Thursday, May 19, 2005

TOP TEN CHEWBACCA TURN-ONS

Top Ten Chewbacca Turn-Ons

10. Fresh cut flowers

9. Handwritten poetry on fine stationary

8. A hot bubble bath and flea dip

7. Bounty hunters who can't make the jump to hyperspace

6. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou

5. Wookiees who are "real"

4. Replacing the fine coffee normally served on the Millennium Falcon with that hilarious Chihuahua

3. Tavern sponsored Ewok tossing contests

2. Retooling the ion drive from a stock proton particle subverter to a really bitchin' custom dilithium hyper-light quark inverting atomic star thumper with twin chrome exhaust ports. Then cruising the Dairy Queen on Yavin.

And the number one Chewbacca turn-on...

1. A well oiled cross bow--if you know what I mean...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/23/98)

3 comments:

Grins said...

Chewie sounds kinda sexy after reading this.

Jason Rohrblogger said...

Grins,

Youy always did like your men hairy and non-verbal.

Anonymous said...

Star Wars Episode III opens tomorrow, and if, like me, you
keep an eye on film review websites, you know about Rotten Tomatoes.com.
Rotten Tomatoes takes reviews from all over the web and print media, and
summarizes the reviews as "positive" or "negative", and then ranks films
as to what percentage of the reviews are positive. It also distinguishes
between overall rankings (i.e. every source) and the rankings of what it
calls the "Cream of the Crop" (people at newspapers and magazines who
actually get paid for their judgment.)

At first blush, it looks pretty good for this movie so far. Overall
reviews are 85% positive. Cream of the Crop's positive reviews are
currently at 73%. Compare this to Episode I (62% overall, 39% Cream) and
Episode II (65% overall, 40% Cream), and things are promising.

But I've been reading the actual quotes from these positive reviews, and
I gotta say I'm as ready for disappointment as ever. Right now there are
83 reviews(they usually have around 200 by the end of a film's run), and
70 of them are marked as "positive." But look! Here are quotes Rotten
Tomatoes lists from 22 allegedly POSITIVE reviews:

“It’s not near as good as you may have heard.”
“While Sith is mostly enjoyable, the best part about it is that we are
finally done with the journey.”
“Episode III. . . is without doubt the best of the three most recent
films. That’s not exactly high praise.”
“May be the fourth best film in the series. It’s still a tossup with
Ewok Adventure . . .”
“A good film, but just not the classic it could have been.”
“Revenge of the Sith is both unspeakably brilliant and kind of OK,
depending on where you’re coming from.”
“Revenge of the Sith is the film that should have salvaged the prequels.
It doesn’t.”
“For every thrilling space battle or lightsaber duel, you get two scenes
with embarrassingly bad dialogue and line delivery.”
“A flawed masterpiece.”
“Episode III, though head and shoulders above the other sequels, is
crippled by poor scripting and logic.”
“It’s neither sponge-worthy nor Vaderiffic.”
“Though it starts slowly, it lumbers towards greatness in the last third
and restores [Lucas], briefly, to the top of his class.”
“Revenge of the Sith overcomes its dime-store dialogue and less than
convincing performances through sheer force . . .”
“I’m still not convinced this is the result of good filming so much as it
simply makes viewers nostalgic. . .”
“Though flawed, Episode III never betrays the Star Wars legacy.”
“The good George Lucas usually wins out . . .”
“Even if this movie is short of perfection, it makes Star Wars complete.”
“Finally, Lucas recaptures some of the magic!”

And, from the big-name review outlets in their “Cream of the Crop” section:

“Revenge of the Sith is the most energetic of all the prequels, the only
one at all worth watching. But that doesn’t mean it is without the
weaknesses that scuttled its pair of predecessors.” (L.A. Times)

“Man: You’re so beautiful. Woman: It’s only because I’m so in love.
Man: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you. Me: Man oh man.”
(Toronto Globe and Mail)

“Lucas makes it easy to experience . . . Episode III . . .as a rush of
deliverance—even if the move itself doesn’t fully deliver.”
(Entertainment Weekly)

For further worries, go online and read Roger Ebert's review (3 1/2 stars
out of 4), or David Edelstein's review in Slate Magazine ("It's actually
really good!") and try to figure out how the devil they achieved these
optimistic conclusions. They both run for long paragraphs listing the
problems with the film, and end on a final paragraph about how exciting
the conclusion is. Ebert even points out that, at one point, Hayden
Christensen rushes into a room and says "Did I miss SOMETHING?" instead
of "Did I MISS something?" At FSU film school, an obvious screw-up like
that would prevent you from passing the course. It must be nice to be Lucas.

Anyway, I just figured I'd sound the warning. I fully expect it to suck.

--Dave