Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Car-Salesman-To-English Translator


You're pre-approved!
For 25.9% interest rates.

We're having a big sale!
We couldn't give these problem cars away.

You qualify for special financing!
You obviously haven't made a payment on your outstanding Visa balance since before you went to prison for tax evasion.

Have you considered a lease?
You have the purchasing power of an eight-year-old between allowances.

We'd like to finance you here.
You'll still be paying for this when your eight-year-old goes to college.

Do you have a co-signer?
You couldn't finance the steam off of a cup of coffee.

I'd like to introduce you to our service department.
You'll be spending alot of time there.

Are you ready to buy today?
Don't waste my time.

Do you have good credit?
Don't waste my time.

Is this car in your price range?
Don't waste my time.

Do you like this vehicle enough to take it home today?
Please buy this before you notice the scratches and high mark-up.

What do we have to do to earn your business?
Do you like your screwing hard and fast, or soft and slow?

What do you have for a down payment?
How much do you have in the your pockets, in your wife's purse, in your children's piggy banks, under the couch cushions, and coming in your next paycheck?

What kind of a monthly payment were you considering?
Can you live in the car and give us the rent?

How about a (smaller, slower, cheaper) vehicle?
You can barely afford to ride the bus.

Have you considered a (larger, faster, more expensive) vehicle?
You'll be spending twice as much as you had planned.

Please feel free to look around.
I will hound you until you buy a car.

The (competing model) is an excellent car.
They outsell, outperform, and cost less than our model.

Of course you can have your mechanic look at it.
After you buy it.

It's economical.
It has the power of a loosely wound rubber band.

It performs.
It will deplete the fossil fuel reserves of OPEC before it's paid for.

It's the (fastest, most powerful, largest) in it's class.
No other manufacturer would build a car like this.

This model is all-new for this year.
We changed the shape of the headlights and added two speakers.

Note the classic lines.
It's as aerodynamic as a box of lead.

It's got dual air bags.

It's a great value.
It's overpriced.

I'll even throw in the floor mats.
For another $199.00 on the back end.

It's a sport-utility vehicle.
A stiff breeze may tip it over.

Do you have proof of income?
We called McDonald's and they never heard of you.

It's our most popular model.
It's marked up $5,000.00 over sticker price.

What are you driving now?
What will you be trading in to me for $1,000.00 less than wholesale?

Regarding your trade:

Are these the original miles?
Your odometer has been rolled more times than Heidi Fleiss.

Has it ever been in an accident?
This car looks like it was salvaged from Baghdad.

It's a classic!
Your car was built before the Nixon administration. And has about as much integrity left.

-Jason Rohrblogger


An Adventurer said...

I can't tell if you came up with this yourself but it's HILARIOUS! I'm such a hater of car salesman - particularly because I'm a woman and they seem me coming and I can immediately see their expressions change to greed - it literally says, "Oh, easy meat!" They're always suprised when I just about force feed them their ties because they can't pull anything over on me. Very hilarious stuff and right on the money!

Jenn said...

Haha- me too Charity!

This is great Jason, I shared it with a few friends and it really is right on!