TOP TEN DEMANDS ON IRAQ IF JEWEL WERE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

Top Ten Demands on Iraq if Jewel Were Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

10. Saddam Hussein will have to allow on-site inspections, and work with a therapist to heal his wounded inner child.

9. Before any progress can be made, Iraqi women must be given the right to vote, sing, and play guitar

8. Soldiers in the elite Republican Guard will keep a daily journal detailing their personal triumphs and disappointments and the locations of any mobile Scud launchers.

7. Any bathroom breaks during negotiations must culminate with Hussein putting the toilet seat down.

6. If Saddam decides later that he wants to let inspectors back in, he has to send flowers and a sincerely worded note of apology.

5. After deadly Sarin nerve gas has been destroyed, the aluminum containers will be recycled.

4. All Soviet-made T-56 tanks to be replaced with strappy tank tops.

3. After reaching a historic peace accord, Saddam may not "just roll over and go to sleep."

2. Neither country can threaten to walk out on talks when the other country feels vulnerable.

And the number one demand on Iraq if Jewel were the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...

1. Before sending your armored columns rumbling across international borders, and against unarmed Kurds, is it too much to ask that you just hold me?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/16/98)