Monday, February 28, 2005


I don't normally stray from my list format to plug my latest Internet crush. However, I stumbled across pure hilarity one day as one of those random "next blog" button hits: Patience Is a Virtue. The author is a married woman trying to conceive a child and her writing documents everything from her emotional struggle with infertility to her hair color. The reason her blog is so funny is her phrasing. Even her throw-away lines are crafted so that on their own they could be a bumper sticker. Highs: she captures the universal everyday banality of suburban life. Lows: she records her own monthly cycle in excruciating detail for the public to read.

You can normally get a chuckle by surreptitiously scanning snippets of her latest post while checking your e-mail at work. But you are better off to take the time to read the whole thing from the beginning, like a novel, to get a feel for her journey.

This is the kind of blog that is meant to be read at 2:00pm on rainy Tuesday afternoons while you're pretending to be home sick, sitting in your sweatpants, next to Kevin Federline, ashing Parliaments into the microwavable mac-'n'-cheese container.

Ladies: enjoy the guilty-pleasure-reading as she rips into her ex-husband and eviscerates his current wife, natch. Men: she's not stingy with the pictures.

To give you an idea what I am talking about, below are my Top Ten fave lines from her blog. Out of context you can imagine any one of these printed on a T-shirt. In context, they are even funnier. Enjoy.

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines in Jenn's Blog

10. "Those bras are immoral."

9. "she said, 'We are having a little baby.' In a baby-talk voice. Which automatically annoyed me."

8. "spent a couple of hours rolling around naked on fur rugs and trying to remember to suck in my stomach."

7. "Note to cops: I am aware that Absinthe is illegal."

6. "Mike is hungry this morning. I bought him a burrito a mere 7 hours ago, and the man appears to want to eat again."

5. "Two cute kids all dressed up. Adorable. I fear for them."

4. "Here I sat at the salon, boldly experimenting with my hair color, deep in discussion about which bar in town makes the best cosmopolitans...."

3. "OK, don't freak out. I have to wear this ankle bracelet for a while and I can't leave my house."

2. "Oh shit- old habits! bye!"

And Jason's number one fave line in Jenn's blog...

1. ".5 second later....Oh my God! Not cool! Not cool! That is my shirt!"

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"you begin to heal when you get tired of the grieving process"

"I want to make fun of her pain simply because I think it was less than mine. 'What did she have, 6 failed Clomid cycles? That bitch doesn't KNOW pain.'"

"Assuming I live long enough, Mike and I are driving to Dallas tonight."

"I don't remember hearing 'Sweat Drip from my Balls' in the 80's, do you? Never mind, it was very fun."

"Just enough of an attraction that I began secretly touching scarfs. As time went on, my desire to fondle yarn increased"

"it never entered my mind to want him until he cut his hair."

"Just like a fairy tale, only a little sluttier."

"my husband's sperm overachieves in every possible category"

"Thank you for reading and I will do my best to keep things positive and interesting."

"In other news, I am 8 dpo and spotting heavily, with horrid cramps"

Monday, February 07, 2005


Top Ten Britney Spears Pet Peeves

10. The way a backup dancer tastes after a half a pack of cigarettes and three beers

9. Sobriety

8. Husband's babymamma

7. Telephoto lenses

6. Clothes

5. Emily Post's Etiquette for Dummies

4. The way Courtney Love is out of control in the press

3. Marriages that last longer than the honeymoon

2. Moms who think they are smarter than you when they are not!

And the number one Britney Spears pet peeve...

1. Soap

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Attorneys who scare off all of the hotties
People with more than 12 items in the Express Lane
Sluts like Paris Hilton who set the women's movement back 50 years
The way "Crossroads" was snubbed at the Oscars
Hickey concealer

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Tom Clancy Titles

10. The Little Terrorist That Could

9. Spec Ops: Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

8. The Pacification of Jack Ryan

7. Burberry Mews: Nancy Nindle Gets A Summer Pony

6. 10 Steps To A Tantric Understanding Of Your Spouse

5. Community Quilt: Rebuilding A Village Through Sewing

4. Code Name: Sgt. Lovemuscle

3. Conflict Resolution: Nonviolent Detante

2. The Blue Gap Dress

And the number one rejected Tom Clancy title...

1. Agricultural Espionage: A Renegade CIA Agent Turned Sod Buster Converts Military Hardware Into Farm Implements

-Jason Rohrblogger