TOP TEN RAIN ONE LINERS

Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/10)

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

TOP TEN REJECTED CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIALS

Top Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials

10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas

9. A Very Special Ludachristmas

8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas

7. Behind the North Pole

6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown

5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat

4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!

3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives

2. Bethlehem Idol

And the number one rejected Christmas television special...

1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/10)

And the alternates...

A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween

The Littlest Prostitute

Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas

Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail

4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas

A Very Special Home Invasion

Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

A Kwanzaa Karol

101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

SANTA'S TOP TEN REJECTED REINDEER

Santa's Top Ten Rejected Reindeer

10. Boner

9. Blitzed

8. Surly

7. Vexed

6. Lazy

5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Giuliani

4. Basher

3. Hesher

2. Sneezy

And Santa's number one rejected reindeer...

1. Snoop Doggy Deer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/10)

And the alternates...

Goth
Osama
Punky
Sauer Kraut
Inky, Dinky, Binky, Clyde
Mario
Venison
Quagmire

LAME QUIZ

Here's another one of those stupid quizzes I love.

FAVE SONG: Baby Got Back (I like big butts and I cannot lie)

LADIES: SUPERMAN OR CLARK KENT? Superkent

GENTS: GINGER OR MARYANN? Ginger was a slut! I pick Ginger...

FAVE QUOTE: "Let me show you where."

TELL ME A SECRET, C'MON: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVE FOOD? Lobster stuffed inside filet mignon stuffed inside a paté of duck liver

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MATE: Chainsmoking librarian who owns a liquor store

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would tone down my extreme sexiness one notch

WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Red

WHAT IS THE MOST VULGAR STATEMENT YOU'VE SAID OR OVERHEARD? You're now in the top tax bracket

EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A FRIEND? And a couple of enemies

ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES? I'm fluent in colloquial Swahili

FAVE WORD? Bitches

WORDS OF WISDOM?: Cut the red wire

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Lance Armstrong

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Jackie Kennedy

SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Jennifer you rock and you rock and you don't stop

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/10)

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Top Ten Politically Correct Christmas Carols

10. Frosty the Snowperson

9. I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Christmas

8. O Come Let us Adore Him or Her

7. Jolly Mature Morally-Gifted Nicholas

6. Rudolph the Recovering-Alcoholic Reindeer-American

5. Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender

4. Oh Holiday Tree

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter

2. Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over by a Non-Human Perpetrator

1. I'll be Home for a Short Period of Time in December

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/10)

And the alternates...

Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer

Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Maintained Continuously Monitored Nontoxic Eco-friendly Outdoor Fire for which I do Have a Permit

Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage (If Office Policy Permits)

Hark! The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings

I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus with a Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Mutual Affection

We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter

Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence

Oh Devout Night

O Little Town of Palestinian Joint Rule

We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia Are

TOP TEN REJECTED EUPHEMISMS FOR SANTA GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

Top Ten Rejected Euphemisms for Santa Going Down the Chimney

10. Gleaming the tube

9. The full Mary Poppins

8. Donning the sweet soot suite suit

7. Riding the fire

6. Smoking the hole

5. Chimnastics

4. Going on facebrick

3. Getting a piece of ash

2. Sucking the yule fuel

And the number one rejected euphemism for Santa going down the chimney...

1. Catching the flue

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/10)

And the alternates...

Flamediving
Singeing Santa
Baking the beard
Sautéing the Saint
Roasting los regalos
Reindeer dropping
The jolly old Viking funeral
Lighting Santa's Cigarette
Cooking Father Christmas
Searing the sucker
Taking the hellivator
Cramming the gramps
Parachuting the pyre
Infiltrating the inferno
The Nocturnal Nick Knock
Sticking the stovepipe
Gerbaling the Jolly Elf
Sucking the soot cigar
Crawling the carbon cavern
Dunking in the dark drain
Thumbing the thermal throughway
The sleighride through central spark
Stalking the stockings
Reaming the resin
Cleaning the cough cave
Flying the furnace
Entering the exhaust
Crunching candy canes down Internal Combution Canyon
Bouncing down Backdraft Blvd
Up Soot Creek

TOP TEN WIKILEAKS SURPRISES

Top Ten WikiLeaks Surprises

10. Angela Merkel secretly likes it when George W. Bush rubs her shoulders after a hard day at the summit

9. Hillary Clinton can never remember the name of that one dude from Kazakhstan. You know, the guy with the fez or the keffiyeh or the sarong or whatever.

8. Muammar Khadafi likes to feel pretty on the weekends

7. Vladimir Putin spends thirty hours a week looking at LOL cats

6. Fidel Castro really hates the U.S.

5. In May of 2009, Canada was six hours away from launching a full scale land invasion of Megan Fox before a settlement was reached for her to not star in any more Transformers movies

4. Belgium will waterboard it's own citizens after three unpaid parking tickets

3. Burmese Strongman Than Shwe has the worst garlic breath

2. Iran just wants to be held

And the number one WikiLeaks surprise...

1. Jimmy Carter once shanked a man over access to the Suez Canal

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/7/10)

And the alternates...

Bill Clinton still has a top secret Russian nurse who handles all of his medicine

Mobutu Sese Seko can hang ten with Tom Hanks in Malibu on the righteous waves

The Kardashians are talentless hacks

The 'h' in Kathmandu is not silent

Sarah Palin is actually an Oxford-trained economist who just acts dumb so she will appeal to real Americans