TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Signs it's Christmas in Iraq

10. Muzzle flash has that extra-warm holiday glow

9. Price of sleigh-seeking missiles triples

8. Booby traps put up earlier and earlier every year

7. Prisoners exchanged with little red bows on them

6. You are visited by the ghosts of Ramadan Past, Christmas Present, and a One-Term Future (George W. Bush only)

5. Steaming cups of goatnog

4. Visions of sugar plumbs covertly inserted into the dancing hearts and minds of Iraqi children

3. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you please maintain light discipline within the perimeter until at least oh seven hundred hours?"

2. Millions of Iraqi fathers trying to figure out how to assemble the @#!^% L'il Jihad Anti-Tank Missile Jr.

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Iraq...

1. Unexpected glut of Christmas stockings with the names "Uday" and "Qusay"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/05/03)

TOP TEN SECRET PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT VICK'S

Top Ten Secret Projects In Development At Vick's

10. An inhaler that sterilizes game show contestants.

9. The Vap-O-Rub hot tub

8. A genetically engineered cold virus that temporarily changes brown eyes to blue.

7. Vick's 44 "Magnum" cough supressing condom

6. Mentholated crack

5. Nyquil, now with Viagra! The coughing, sneezing, aching, stuffy headed, fever, so you can get it up, medicine.

4. Mochaccino flavored expectorant

3. Blisterine: mouthwash with nonoxynol 9

2. A normal looking medicine cup that is deadly when used with Robitussin

And the number one secret project in development at Vick's...

1. Strawberry flavored chewable children's Valium. The bedtime snack that makes bedtime last for up to three days!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/99)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN MANHATTAN

Top Ten Signs it's Christmas in Manhattan

10. Suddenly your loose change sounds like magical sleigh bells as the mugger jogs away.

9. There are visions of fairies dancing in your head, but those aren't sugar plums.

8. The flame from the crack pipe has that extra-warm glow.

7. Santa's sleigh driven by a one-eyed Pakistani.

6. Office of Homeland Security has replaced all mistletoe with TOW Missiles.

5. Yes, that's a pistol in Santa's pocket and he's glad to see you...

4. At fully assembled dinner table, Dancer awkwardly announces that he's living with Prancer.

3. Bin Laden sticks his head out of Ground Zero. If he sees his shadow, it's six more years of a Bush White House.

2. You can't believe your luck at the Macy's sale when you buy the Brooklyn Bridge for $9.00 worth of beads!

And the number one sign it's Christmas in Manhattan...

1. Al Quaeda has three fully-loaded hijacked angels flying directly into your Christmas tree.

And to all a good night!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/15/02)