Thursday, January 26, 2006


Top Ten Signs Your Oprah Book Club Memoir Is Not Real

10. Protagonist named Figment "Ficty" McFiction

9. Author notes state she was born on the planet Alderaan and currently resides with her husband on Naboo

8. Denouement reveals return to stasis involving a love triangle with a giant ape and hot blonde silent-film star

7. Writer claims he got out of prison, annexed the Sudetenland, blitzkrieged the French, and conquered Poland

6. Main character spends Tuesdays with Morrie, Wednesdays with a one-legged prostitute, and Fridays fishing with Batman

5. Claims that he didn't inhale STILL don't ring true

4. Memoirist's former paramour dispels myth that she will "git, git, git, git you drunk/git you love drunk off my hump."

3. Contemporary associates witness subject turning wine into water, watering on a walk, and sicking the heel

2. Insists he lost his virginity to a 100-year-old Afrikaner in 14th century Vienna

And the number one sign your Oprah Book Club memoir is not real...

1. Patiently explains to Larry King, once again, how he accompanied Hunter S. Thompson to church every Sunday

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Last three chapters written in the second person
Cisco Kid was not a friend of his
Probably invented the Meat Lover's pizza, but cannot verify creation of military form of covert messaging known as "puff, puff, pass."
Maintains he gave Mother Theresa her rainbow dolphin back-tattoo
Could not have translated the Book of Mormon into binary Mayan hieroglyphics


Jenn said...

Hahaha!! I love it!

Anonymous said...

Jason, you rock.

--Dr. Rodda