Hiatus
I'm off to finish my prison sentence for lying to the jury about drunk driving with Scooter Libby. Then to Switzerland for gender reassignment surgery (again!) as the first one "didn't take." Once I'm done with that, oh, and rehab, I should be back listing in no time. Enjoy my lovely archives, won't you?
Later,
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/21/07)
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Attorney
10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena
9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes
8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart
7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex
6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price
5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch
4. Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."
3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted
2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...
1. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)
And the alternate...
Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan
Jason's Top Ten Fave Best-of-Craigslist Posts of All Time
10. Ways to Not Write a Résumé
9. My Turtle Needs a Booty Call
8. To my Ex-GF's Cat
7. You PISSED on My Floor
6. To the Guy Who Had Sex Last Night in Front of My House
5. Get Well Balloon
4. Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter
3. From an Angry Soldier
2. So You've Decided You Want to Date a Houston Musician
And Jason's number one fave Best-of-Craiglist post of all time...
1. True Story: Battle Asses
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/15/07)
And the alternates...
Top 10 Law Firm Interview Questions
Let Us Frolic in My Totally Dope Blanket Fort
Driving in Phoenix
Advice to Young Men from an Old Man
Dear Hot Chicks
An Open Letter to the Anaheimer Who Posted on Ottawa R&R
143 Reasons That I Will Be the Best Girlfriend You've Ever Had
No More Sex Please
Middle-Aged Women Complaining About Sex
Vasectomy Story
Larry Litle over at Simple Thoughts of a Complex Mind posted about my Diet Coke, Jerry Falwell, and Paris Hilton lists. Larry's got a huge readership because my stats double when he links to me!
Thanks for the shout out, Larry!
These have been a few complex thoughts of my simple mind...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/13/07)
Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Diet Coke
10. You name your firstborn Phenylalanine P. Aspartame, Jr.
9. You ask your dealer if he has any Diet Cocaine
8. A little CO² escapes every time you remove your hat
7. You fill your bong with Diet Coke
6. Hooked on crack of the opening can
5. You have to drink two bottles of Diet Pepsi to get the same buzz as one can of Diet Coke
4. You cook it up in a spoon before drinking
3. You drop out of your Scientology classes and accept Diet Coke as your personal Lord and Savior
2. You demand all of the Diet Coke in the divorce
And the number one sign you are addicted to Diet Coke...
1. In the morning it takes one liter to get well, two liters to get high
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/07)
And the alternates...
Standing in the parking lot of 7-11, you drain a four-gallon Quintuple Gulp
You have a soda fountain hung from your headboard
You demand Texaco install a Diet Coke option on all their gas pumps
You believe the Holy Grail was filled with Diet Coke
You consider TaB a gateway drink
Top Ten Paris Hilton Prison Movies
10. Shawskank Redemption
9. Hanoi Hilton
8. Cool Hand Skank
7. The Queen Mile
6. Escape from Skankatraz
5. Ay, Papillon
4. Stir Skanky
3. Con Airhead
2. Beyond Thunderskank
And the number one Paris Hilton prison movie...
1. Reform School Skanks
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/09/07)
And the alternates...
I Am a Fugitive from a Daisy Chain Gang
The Bridge on the River K-Why Me?
The Great Eskank
Caged Hurry
Midnight Expense
American Herpes X
Heir-nest Goes to Jail
Oh, Mother! Where Art Thou?
Stalag 17 Minutes
Brokedown Paris
Eskank from L.A.
The Big House of Wax
Go to Jail, Go Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
Lady Sing-Sings the Blues
Note: This is a continuation of a Falwell thread posted on Simple Thoughts of a Complex Mind...
Top Ten Jerry Falwell Quotes
10. "The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
9. "The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."
8. "I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
7. "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers...AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
6. "Nothing will motivate conservative evangelical Christians to vote Republican in the 2008 presidential election more than a Democratic nominee named Hillary Rodham Clinton - not even a run by the devil himself...I certainly hope that Hillary is the candidate. She has $300 million so far. But I hope she's the candidate. Because nothing will energize my [constituency] like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't." -at a "Values Voter Summit"
5. "Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
4. "Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."
3. "He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol." –from a "Parents Alert" issued in Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal, warning that "Tinky Winky," a character on the popular PBS children's show, "Teletubbies," may be gay
2. "You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I'm for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
And the number one Jerry Falwell quote...
1. "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" -on the 9/11 attacks
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/07)
Top Ten Signs You Work at the DMV
10. Your kids have to wait in line for two hours before you let them in the house
9. You renew your marriage license every twelve months
8. You signal for at least forty feet before turning in for the night
7. ...and you ask your wife to take a number
6. The pictures in your family album are all one-inch by one-inch face shots with thumb prints
5. Your eight-year-old has a fake ID stating she is a forty-year-old hazmat truck driver
4. Before he can get a license, your dog has to pass an emissions test
3. You stamp all your plates before serving dinner
2. Your diploma doubles as an eye chart
And the number one sign you work at the DMV...
1. You name your children sequentially, starting with your firstborn, 5YKN227
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/03/07)
