101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown
2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters
4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas
5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua
6. Go paraspelunking
7. Date a zoologist
8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards
9. Give a lecture series on banditry
10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke
11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style
12. Join the La Leche League
13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer
14. Play it cool for awhile
15. Take up smoking
16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane
17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay
18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills
19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship
20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire
21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl
22. Quell an uprising
23. Finally lose at Jeopardy
24. Slap a parking enforcement officer
25. Graduate High school
26. Mosey
27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup
28. Road trip
29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive
30. Fly in a jet
31. Cry over spilled milk
32. Finish writing my manifesto
33. Fish for Great White Plankton
34. Die and come back
35. Pirate a video about pirates
36. Sail in the Baltic Sea
37. Visit the DMV in the Congo
38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon
39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet
40. Spend more time at the office
41. Be a stunt man for a major film
42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell
43. Hang out with a monkey
44. Walk the plank
45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market
46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset
47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year
48. Fly too close to the sun
49. Eat at Ed's
50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant
51. Spit fire
52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy
53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string
54. Tour with Tito Jackson
55. Spill the beans
56. Set a world record
57. Kill a real live zombie
58. Cry havoc
59. Take a mime class in Mandarin
60. Run amok
61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand
62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit
63. Strike anywhere
64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum
65. Outsource Michael Moore to China
66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce
67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move
68. Party with Gabe Kaplan
69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet
70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard
71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up
72. Eat sushi with Aquaman
73. Sew a split personality back together
74. Represent
75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong
76. Compete in a krumping competition
77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken
78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum
79. Have a cool mural painted on my car
80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play
81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition
82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny
83. Give out free hugs
84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before
85. Finally look before I leap
86. Point out the obsequious
87. Learn a bunch of stuff
88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning
89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic
90. Get into a rap battle
91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre
92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser
93. Frankly give a damn
94. Wish upon a starfish
95. Finish third for once
96. Set the voices in my head to music
97. Play jai alai
98. Jump through a glass window
99. Learn to make tacos provençale
100. Get a Burma shave
And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...
101. Date übermodel Gabourey Sidibe
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/5/11)
