TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG THERAPIST

Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Therapist
 
10. For half price, she offers to take you through only six of the twelve steps.
 
 9.  Encourages you to act on your homicidal fantasies towards Kathie Lee Gifford on the grounds that no jury would convict you.
 
 8.  His business card contains the spelling mistake "Sigmund Fraud."
  
 7.  Refers to masturbation as "releasing your inner child."
 
 6.  Sends you to an "anger workshop" when what you're really stuck in is denial.
 
 5.  Your sessions include driving to a bar "for a quick drink." 
 
 4. After your "fear of abandonment" revelation, he leaves the room so you can be alone for awhile.
 
 3. Prescribes Zoloft, Valium, and Crystal Meth.
 
 2. Her nickname: Drill Sergeant Happiness.
 
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong therapist...
 
 1. You curl up into the fetal position while vulnerable, he asks: "Has anyone ever told you, you have a great ass?"
 
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/19/98)