Top Ten Phrases in My Online Dating Profile
10. Disease-free
9. In the hizzy
8. Ferret-like
7. Bootylicious
6. Harvard
5. Sexytime
4. Unctuous
3. Potty mouth
2. Beeyotch!
And the number one phrase in my online dating profile...
1. Hung like a light switch
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/29/08)
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
10. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in
9. I didn't expect everyone to come at once
8. It's Cool Whip time
7. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
6. Whew, that's one terrific spread
5. I'm in the mood for dark meat
4. Are you ready for seconds yet?
3. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
2. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
And the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't...
1. Don't play with your meat
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/08)
And the alternates...
Talk about a huge breast
Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
You still have a little bit on your chin
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that
That's the biggest one I've ever seen
How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Best. Email. Ever.
My cousin sent me the following during hiatus...
Everyday I wake up, get ready for school, grab my backpack and get into my car. The drive to school is short and painful, and all I can think about is a cup of strong black coffee. I get my coffee and walk into my class room ready to listen to a mind numbing teacher talk to me about litigation and business law. I tune her out and stare at my laptop ready to read something that always gives me hope that the day will end. I hit the favorites icon on my internet browser, and scroll down to "Jason's Top Ten" and click the those three words in anticipation. I take a sip of my strong black coffee.
And then a tear.
Last updated October 16, 2008: The dreaded sentence I read everyday. This is where the panic and anxiety sets in. October 16th, I read again and again. I open up the mini calender on the corner of my screen and count the days since the last top ten went up. It has been 27 days. I'm in withdrawal. The shivers at night are the worst.
What happened to the infamous Jason Rohrblogger? He was so great. I wonder if at that Vegas bachelor party took him from us forever. If it did, at least he died happy. Now please raise your glasses on this day after remembrance day, and remember Jason. A man who could make us laugh by just looking at you in his rear view mirror. A man who could make you smile every time you thought of his beautiful happy face. Remember. Jason.
-Kirk
