Thursday, October 16, 2008


Top Ten Reasons I Won't Be Posting for Awhile

10. Now I have to find the real killers AND get OJ's memorabilia back

9. Must. Save. Stock. Market.

8. Working overtime to pull off a come-from-behind victory for Ron Paul

7. Can't talk. Masturbating.

6. Three words: Petticoat Junction Marathon

5. Britney won't stop calling

4. Getting the homeless to live outside the box

3. Being inducted into a society so secret, even I don't know what it is

2. Talking crazy bread down from the edge of the foil

And the number one reason I won't be posting for awhile...

1. Bachelor party in Vegas before my friend throws his life away marries the love of his life

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Top Ten Rejected Kool-Aid Flavors

10. Meadowlark Lemon

9. Statutory Grape

8. Strawberiberi

7. Cherry Seinfeld

6. Wang Dang Sweet Orange Tang

5. 84 Octane Mangoline

4. Fig

3. Tomato 'n Onion

2. Marion Berry

And the number one rejected Kool-Aid flavor...

1. Sex on the playground

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Lemon Plague
White Zinfandel
Ganges Float Surprise
Gangrene Apple
Raspberry Gordy
Girls Gone Watermelon
Red Sepsis
Electric Acid Test

Thursday, October 09, 2008


Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes

10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism

9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."

8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld

6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department

And the number one Pat Robertson quote...

1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state

"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."

Monday, October 06, 2008


Top Ten Jason Rohrblogger Magazine Headlines

10. Lists with Less Than Ten Items: Should They Be Posted?

9. Internet Porn for Dummies

8. Bottom Ten Lists: Are They a Threat?

7. Stolen Premise Preview 2009!

5. Man Bites Pun

4. Pimping Out Your Blah Black Blogger Template

3. Listin' Ain't Easy

2. We Replace the Fine Headline Normally Written with Folger's Crystals: Is Anything Funnier?

And the number one Jason Rohrblogger Magazine headline...

1. Sidebar Suicide! Avoiding Banner Tags at All Costs

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

We Drive Ten Jokes Into the Ground and See Who Comes Back for More!
Recycling: Lewinsky Jokes and Taco Bell Chihuahua References We Can't Get Enough of!
Posting Every Three Weeks: Leave 'Em Wanting More!
Moderation Madness: Controlling the Comment Chaos
Our Pick for Sexiest Blogger Alive

Friday, October 03, 2008


Top Ten Lies I Have Told

10. I don't know how that got there

9. Those are the original miles

8. I don't like it when you touch me there

7. That's not infected

6. I'll have your money tomorrow

5. Never on a Sunday

4. I'm a great candidate for this job, sir

3. You'll be okay

2. I love you

And the number one lie I have told...

1. I can't believe it's not butter

-Jason Rohrblogger