A big thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my British Petroleum Excuses list and flooding my fragile bloglands with traffic. Thanks for the shout-out, Jack! May your shoreline be unsp-oil-ed and your coast ever clear.
Top Ten TV Show Titles that Describe My Life
10. 10 Things I Hate about You
9. Breaking Bad
8. Lie to Me
7. Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
6. Laff-A-Lympics
5. The Bachelor
4. Biggest Loser
3. Jeopardy
2. Lost
And the number one TV show title that describes my life...
1. Clueless
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/25/10)
And the alternates...
Diff'rent Strokes
Have Gun - Will Travel
Yes, Dear
Good Times
The Twilight Zone
Mission: Impossible
Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time in Traffic
10. No blood in your butt
9. You've gone three blocks in the last hour
8. Your family celebrated their last four Christmases in the passenger seat
7. Red light camera has more pictures of you than Facebook
6. Your DNA is now 50% exhaust
5. Waited so long to clear the intersection, your tags have expired
4. Completely out of ammo (Los Angeles only)
3. A crippled three-toed sloth stopped for a nap and still beat you to the light
2. Traffic report is thirty seconds of the DJ screaming obscenities and questioning the existence of a cruel God who mocks our very attempts at transportation
And the number one sign you are spending too much time in traffic...
1. Have just enough time to fuel up between drive-thrus
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/22/10)
Top Ten British Petroleum Excuses
10. Oil tankers burn fuel and pollute. Trying to deliver crude oil to the shore by all-natural wave action instead
9. Saved enough money on safety equipment to buy three U.S. senators
8. Delicate Gulf Coast ecosystem had it coming
7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice
6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake
5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?
4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."
3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party
2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them
And the number one British Petroleum excuse...
1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/18/10)
Top Ten Vodkas
10. Skyy
9. Russian Standard
8. Smirnoff
7. Cîroc
6. Stolichnaya
5. Absolut
4. Belvedere
3. Grey Goose
2. Crystal Head
And the number one vodka...
1. Ketel One
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/15/2010)
Top Ten Rejected Books of the Bible
10. The Gospel According to Moishe
9. Genesis without Phil Collins
8. Numb3rs
7. Ruth Does Gomorrah
6. The Song of Solomon Remains the Same
5. Paul's Letter to the Rastafarians
4. Hebruise
3. Jerusalem Idol
2. Jesus' Top Ten Sermons
And the number one rejected book of the Bible...
1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Gospel
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/15/07)
Top Ten Signs Your Car Bomb is a Dud
10. While festive, filling your payload with silly string and confetti will not increase the impact
9. Your manure is homemade
8. You insist on removing the propane tanks to make room for your kickin' speakerbox
7. Clown car holds two hundred hilarious martyrs, but no detonator
6. Mini Cooper = mini boomer
5. The brakes go out on your Toyota ScudRunner before you can even get it to the infidel target
4. Timer set to go off at midnight February 30th, 2011
3. Entire warhead is a dashboard Jesus strapped to an M-80
2. Fine nitrates normally ignited replaced with Folger's Crystals
And the number one sign your car bomb is a dud...
1. Acme Manhat-o-splode designed by Shaikh Wahile-i-Khyote
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/6/10)
Top Ten Rejected Men's Magazines
10. Unpopular Mechanics
9. Economy Car Digest
8. Cosmo Kramer Politan
7. Gentlemen's Bicentennially
6. Playbill
5. Flomaxim
4. Sissyboy
3. Feeled and Scream
2. Gynecomastia Weakly
And the number one rejected men's magazine...
1. Martha Stewart Handgun Collection
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/3/10)
And the alternates...
Madmenmoiselle
American Male Cheerleader
Tiger Woods Beat
Teen Rogue
