TOP TEN DEMANDS ON IRAQ IF JEWEL WERE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

Top Ten Demands on Iraq if Jewel Were Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

10. Saddam Hussein will have to allow on-site inspections, and work with a therapist to heal his wounded inner child.

9. Before any progress can be made, Iraqi women must be given the right to vote, sing, and play guitar

8. Soldiers in the elite Republican Guard will keep a daily journal detailing their personal triumphs and disappointments and the locations of any mobile Scud launchers.

7. Any bathroom breaks during negotiations must culminate with Hussein putting the toilet seat down.

6. If Saddam decides later that he wants to let inspectors back in, he has to send flowers and a sincerely worded note of apology.

5. After deadly Sarin nerve gas has been destroyed, the aluminum containers will be recycled.

4. All Soviet-made T-56 tanks to be replaced with strappy tank tops.

3. After reaching a historic peace accord, Saddam may not "just roll over and go to sleep."

2. Neither country can threaten to walk out on talks when the other country feels vulnerable.

And the number one demand on Iraq if Jewel were the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...

1. Before sending your armored columns rumbling across international borders, and against unarmed Kurds, is it too much to ask that you just hold me?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/16/98)

TOP TEN REJECTED TOPICS ON THE RICKI LAKE SHOW

Top Ten Rejected Topics On The Ricki Lake Show

10. I've been in love with my baby's mother since the day we got married and that's not about to change now.

9. I have big secret to tell you: I have nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for your hard earned accomplishments.

8. Girl, your ass looks great in those tasteful jeans, you must have all kinds of self-respect.

7. Twins separated at birth, and then reunited a few minutes later.

6. Ho's and dikes: Gardening below sea level.

5. Gay priests who, nevertheless, remain celibate and do a great job of ministering to the community anyway.

4. Why Oprah is the Queen of all daytime talk shows eight years running.

3. I was gonna sleep with your man, but we decided against it because it would hurt your feelings.

2. I left my bad relationship before it got abusive, and now I'm a well adjusted middle class citizen.

And the number one rejected topic on the Ricki Lake show...

1. Underage school children who go home to two-parent nuclear families.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/19/98)

TOP TEN GANSTA PET PEEVZ

Top Ten Gangsta Pet Peevz

10. When yo jus kickin' it with yo homies and The Man think he all that an try to come up on yo ass fo sellin' a little medicinal crack.

9. When your lowrider gets stuck in the 'up' position.

8. O.G.'s who dis the hood jus cuz they think they got it goin' on.

7. Getting a jheri curl caught in the bolt of your AK.

6. Hoes who think they bitches, and bitches who think they hoes.

5. The light in solitary is so bad, it's hard to get an accurate depiction of Louis Farrakhan in a prison tattoo.

4. Sucka MC's who can't bust a rhyme.

3. Going through the metal detector security checkpoint at the 7-11.

2. When the bitch don't have my money.

And the number one gangsta pet peeve...

1. Middle class white boys who write whack lists.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/25/98)

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE NEW ELECTRIC VEHICLES

Top Ten Good Things About the New Electric Vehicles

10. They go through fewer batteries than Oprah's "back massager"

9. Faster than a speeding golf cart

8. Electrified back seat eliminates need to stop car before disciplining children

7. Refueling as easy as being struck by lightning

6. Taco Bell puts out more emissions

5. More popular than rotary engines

4. They also slice, dice, and julienne

3. Almost never explode if you go slower than 50 mph

2. You don't spill electricity on your shoes

And the number one good thing about the new electric vehicles...

1. Less annoying than the Electric Slide

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/99)

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN HIDING PLACES

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Hiding Places

10. In broom closet

9. With Elvis at Memphis Denny's

8. Under Scooby-Doo mask

7. Touring as guitar tech with ZZ Top

6. Kandahar Bowl-O-Ramadan

5. Cave that is higher than a Phish concert on Mt. Everest

4. Secret fort made of pillow cushions

3. Berkeley Ashram

2. Replaced the fine fanatic normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Osama Bin Laden hiding place...

1. Your mom's room

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/04)

And the alternates...

Camp David
In a hidey hole
Batcave
Fortress of Schadenfreude

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT MOTOROLA

Top Ten Projects In Development At Motorola

10. Radar defeating hair gel

9. Satellite transmitted microwave burrito

8. Laser-guided dashboard Jesus

7. Stealth dust bunny

6. Twin recoilless fully automatic belt-fed reciprocal gas powered Pez
launchers

5. Padded cell phone

4. Voice-activated motion-sensitive contraceptive

3. Hand held New Yorker-to-English translator

2. Husband-mounted listening device

And the number one project in development at Motorola...

1. Shoulder-fired bean fueled surface-to-air heat seeking Chihuahua

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/11/99)

TEN POINT RECONDTIONING SERVICE ON ALL USED HONDAS

Ten Point Reconditioning Service On All Used Hondas

10. Change the air in the tires--install high performance air.

9. Lubricate the seat belts.

8. Rotate the mirrors.

7. Shine the muffler belt.

6. Check seat cushions--remove any loose change.

5. Armor-all the brakes.

4. Check license plate for wear--replace if necessary.

3. Calibrate the floor mats.

2. Lick the ash tray.

And the number one reconditioning service on all used Hondas...

1. Polish and reset the odometer.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/31/99)