2004 ROUNDUP

All questions pertain to 2004, if it doesn't say specifically.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Finally decided that I want to stay a man. I think that is my gender-destiny.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. Unh unh.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
This lady next to me on the train.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Rodney Dangerfield.

5. What countries did you visit?
Compton, Watts

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
That kidney I sold for beer money.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The 4th of July. I was in a hot tub full of women. September 11 when I sailed to Catalina Island and drank corn squeezins.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying off the junk.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't have a successful, fulfilling romantic relationship. But I refuse to categorize this as a "failure". I did have some really cheap meaningless dinners.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Does mental illness count? Cause I didn't suffer any of that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A hairless Asian boy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Paris Hilton

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Paris Hilton. Reality TV? C'mon, Paris. Go back to porn where you belong!

14. Where did most of your money go?
The Forum. Those who dismiss it as a cult don't understand the relationship between your soul and the material tribute we pay in this life to avoid a celestial shame spiral.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This one time I found a parking meter with 21 minutes left on it! Screw you City Hall! HA! That's one quarter you won't be getting this year! Boo Yah! Go back to invading oil rich countries you Fascist Pinko Commie Hippies!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
If I Only Had a Brain.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Fuchsia
b) thinner or fatter? Quite
c) richer or poorer? Yes

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Crystal Meth

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Taxes.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Working towards peace on earth. Cleaning out my linen closet.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I wouldn't say "fell" so much as "collided with" in an unmarked intersection.

22. How many one-night stands?
We weren't really standing, but let's just say that I gave one Marine a memory he can take with him to the torture chambers of Fallujah. Semper Fi.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
TeleTubbies.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
That one guy who doesn't turn left on the protected green arrow because he is not paying attention because the through-traffic light is still red? That guy.

25. What was the best book you read?
Shadow Divers by Kurson

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The way my nose whistles when I'm congested and drunk.

27. What did you want and get?
That warm feeling way deep down in my toes.

28. What did you want and not get?
Rolls Royce Phaeton III

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
The x-ray of my left molar when it cracked from riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Bury Farm.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to, um, Chuck E. Cheese and, um, saw the moose, and...Oh! I won a pencil with a fire truck on it! And played Tekken, like, 30 times! The best part was the pizza cause a guy comes by and gives you all the free re-fills on Coke you can drink. I had three Cokes before my mommy said I couldn't have anymore. But the guy came by one more time and snuck me another one when my mommy wasn't looking. He was so cool! I ran out of tokens before Bobby did and he even shared some of his with me. I turned 35 this year.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
A timely arraignment with my own counsel, not that Public Defender weasel they gave me. Late.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Pre-Colombian Dominatrix.

33. What kept you sane?
Jack Daniel's and Slimfast. The brunch of champions.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dan Rather. That guy can bring down a president faster than Monica Lewinsky. Did you see that forgery story he broke? Classic.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay divorce.

36. Who did you miss?
Bullwinkle Moose. They really gotta bring that guy back.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. Tony Silva. That guy knows bunions.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
You can't really make a housecat take a bath if it doesn't want to. Or a shower. Or even get in the hot tub. Or the lap pool at Bally's.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Tell me why
The car is in the front yard
And I
Am sleeping with my clothes on?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/05/05)