TOP TEN REJECTED CHILDREN'S TOYS

Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys

10. Playdough Fuzzy Pumper Brie Factory

9. Syphilitic Barbie (Scabby Ken sold separately)

8. Mr. Leekhead

7. Don't Break the Ice or I'll Kill You!

6. Trivial Pursuit, GED Edition

5. Beavis and Butthead's Lincoln Logs (Heh, uh, heh, heh. Logs.)

4. Betty Crocker's Bake-Your-Own Paint Chips

3. O.J. Trial Actions Figures (assault and battery not included)

2. Pork Legos

And the number one rejected children's toy...

1. Don't Drink the Bong Water

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE GUM FLAVORS

Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors

10. Gizzard

9. Pumice

8. Hair

7. Doublelint

6. Lymph

5. Juicy Newt

4. Cud

3. Stubble Yum

2. Clam

And the number one least favorite gum flavor...

1. Wrigley's Vap-o-mint

-Robert Paul Van deven

TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN MAKE WITH CHEEZ WHIZ

Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz

10. Love

9. Intestinal Blockage

8. V-ger

7. Mouse Mousse

6. Oprah Bait

5. Lubricated Pants

4. Little balls of whizzy goodness

3. Any GM product

2. Flaccid Cheese Worms

And the number one thing you can make with Cheez Whiz...

1. The Arizona Wildcat Offense

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED BUMPER STICKERS

Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers

10. What are you lookin' at, pig?

9. I am not driving my other car.

8. Wouldn't it be great if the Air Force had to sell a bomber to buy some cookies and little furry animals were our friends?

7. My kid is, like, smart and stuff.

6. I have no plants or fruit.

5. Don't blame me, I voted for poon.

4. Honk if you're surly.

3. I am going to kill you.

2. Expect a miracle if you are stoopid.

And the number one rejected bumper sticker...

1. I set O.J. free and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHILDREN'S BOOKS

Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books

10. How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day

9. See Spot Run...In Front of a Moving Bus

8. Encylopedia Brown Gets Shot by the Crips

7. Green Eggs and Armpit Jam

6. You're a Manic Depressive, Charlie Brown

5. The Babysitter's Club Sell Their Bodies

4. Babar's Giant Boil

3. Horton Hears Voices Urging Him to Kill

2. Willy Wonka and the Suppository Factory

And the number on least popular children's book...

1. The Auto-erotic Adventures of Curious George

-Robert Paul Van Deven

PROPS

Props to Aurorealis for listing me as her NUMBER ONE FAVE BLOG!

"I may be his biggest fan," quoth she.

Her blog is an outstanding mix of graphics, personal musings, and nerd culture. What's more, she updates early and often. And her pinup section is easy on the eyes. Enjoy and thanks for spreading the blog love.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/20/05)

TOP TEN O.J. TELEVISION SPINOFFS

Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs

10. Chico and the O.J.

9. OJwatch

8. This old O.J.

7. The Fugitive

6. The Young and the O.J.

5. I Dream of O.J.

4. O.J. and the Bear

3. Hawaii Five-O.J.

2. Unsolved Mysteries

And the number one O.J. television spinoff...

1. Murder, O.J. Wrote

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED BATMAN VILLAINS

Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains

10. The Funneler

9. Knitwoman

8. Pat

7. Rice-a-Roni Head

6. Manateeman

5. Politically Correct Chick

4. Yarnface

3. The Chive

2. Uncontrolled Intersection

And the number one rejected Batman villain...

1. The Insinuator

-Robert Paul Van Deven

And the alternates...

Fife
Pinkeye
Fullprice
Rashgirl
Regularly Scheduled Mammogram
The Independent Contractor
Biopsy

TOP TEN REJECTED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

10. Chocolate Spankys

9. Monkey-roons

8. Silicon Wafers

7. Mint Doo-Doos

6. Lug Nut Chewies

5. Soylent Greens

4. Fat 'n Gristles

3. Caramel Naughties

2. Asbestos Cremes

And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...

1. Shorthairbread

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CIGARETTE BRANDS

Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands

10. Benson & Hedge Clippings

9. From the makers of Virginia Slims: Minnesota Fats. You've let yourself go, baby

8. Capri with wings

7. Still working on your GED? Try GPC with FD&C #5

6. Kool Ultra Sticky

5. Ba-Ba, the cigarette for toddlers

4. Kingsford Matchlite 100's

3. Lucky Strike, for Teamsters willing to negotiate

2. Poison Gas in a Tube

And the number one least favorite cigarette brand...

1. Things I found in my pants, unfiltered

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT WORK WHEN YOU'RE BORED

Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored

10. Hang out in office supply closet, see if insults really do bounce off rubber and stick to glue

9. Xerox parts of your body where sun don't shine

8. Hit company cafeterial lady in the head with modem (nothing but internet)

7. When talking to clients on the phone, ask how much they weigh

6. Accuse coworkers of being scared

5. Have your desk moved ot the smoking lounge where thick clouds of second hand smoke function as a surrogate ozone layer

4. Look for ninjas, invisible dogs, and other workplace bugaboos

3. Talk to your boss like Fred Schneider of the B-52's

2. Call Ann's son on the phone, tell him you're hiding somewhere in his house

And the number one thing to do at work when you're bored...

1. Abort, retry, and ignore

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED RESEARCH PAPERS AT THE CIA

Top Ten Rejected Research Papers at the CIA

10. McDonald's: Weapon of Ass Destruction?

9. South Vietnam 2001: A Clear-and-Hold Approach to Taking the Peninsula in the New Millenium

8. Destabilizing Angolan Support for Cuba

7. Encrypting Mission Critical Information as a Word File

6. East Coast vs. West Coast Rap: Determining Factors of Whack

5. Psy Ops: Winning Arab Hearts and Minds Through Extended Palestinian Occupation

4. Aerial Saturation Bombing: The Silent Killer

3. The Levy Doctrine: Extending Tactical Kill Zones to Mistresses Who Talk

2. Urban Feline Napalm Applications

And the number one rejected research paper at the CIA...

1. Refried Beans: Biological Threat to HQ Operational Air Quality

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/01)