Top Ten Things That Used to Rock and Now Suck
10. McDonald's
9. Robin Williams
8. Star Wars
7. Movies in General
6. Drugs and Alcohol
5. The Democratic Party
4. Detroit
3. Top Ten Lists
2. CNN
And the number one thing that used to rock and now sucks...
1. Steve Martin
-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/01/06)
Top Ten Rejected Winter Olympic Sports
10. All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
9. Gender-Optional Ice Dancing
8. Aprés Ski
7. Snoop Dogg's Lot-Mo'-Than-A Halfpipe
6. Viceathalon: Shoot & Cover-Up
5. The Bode Miller Downhill Career Slide
4. Iron Chef Uzbekistan
3. Bob Costas Hairboarding
2. Lugie
And the number one rejected Winter Olympic sport...
1. Jihad Suicide BombSledding
-Ken Bloggerts and Jason Rohrblogger
(02/23/06)
And the alternates...
Men's Figure Skating Catfights
Duel of the Whiney-Ass Speedskaters
Remote Control Channel-Changer Relay
Tom Sizemore's Team Teen Pursuit
Bisexualathalon
Top Ten Burger King Turn-0ns
10. Melting the Dairy Queen
9. Catsuptinis
8. Drive-thru relationships
7. Onion Ring Tones
6. All-beef Patricia
5. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou only $4.99 for a limited time
4. Pulling rank on Colonel Sanders
3. A well-oiled Frialator
2. Larry, Moe, and Curly Fries
And the number one Burger King turn-on...
1. Coming home to his whopper
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/06)
And the alternates...
Tossing her side salad
Conquering Poland
Top Ten Reasons "Dead Eye" Dick Cheney Shot Harry Whittington
10. Thought he saw Osama bin Laden coming out of his hidey-hole
9. Harry refused to marry Cheney's daughter
8. Did not want to appear weak to the doves
7. Heard a rumor Whittington was thinking of voting Democrat
6. Wanted to pry gun from Harry's cold, dead fingers
5. Was aiming for Cindy Sheehan's other son
4. Whittington refused to succumb to Cheney's withering contempt
3. Misunderstood rules regarding gun control
2. As a gag, spotter stated he sighted Bill Clinton
And the number one reason "Dead Eye" Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington...
1. Town wasn't big enough for the both of 'em
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/15/06)
And the alternates...
Because torture has been outlawed
Harry was hiding weapons of mass destruction
Cheney hates attorneys
Hunting with Cheney is still safer than riding with Ted Kennedy
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty on Valentine's Day but Aren't
10. I always poke 'em with my finger first to see what's inside
9. Time for a little naked guy to take a shot at us
8. Check out THIS long stemmed beauty!
7. My favorites are the dark ones with the nuts
6. Watch out, this cork's ready to pop!
5. If you don't like it, spit it out
4. I can't believe he gave me a mushy one
3. So, did you get any at the office this year?
2. I hope my gift isn't too big for you
And the number one thing that sounds dirty on Valentine's Day but isn't...
1. Put it in now and hopefully we can stay awake for the whole thing
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/14/05)
Top Ten Valentine's Quotes
10. "Love heightens all senses - except the common." -Mark Twain
9. Marianne: "Can love really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn." -From Sense and Sensibility (1995)
8. "Put even the plainest woman into a beautiful dress and unconsciously she will try to live up to it." -Lady Duff-Gordon
7. "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like as hour. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein
6. "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
5. "I have no other but a woman's reason: I think him so because I think him so." -William Shakespeare
4. Emma Valentine: "What do you demand of a woman, intelligence or beauty?"
Jim West: "Beauty if they are intelligent, and intelligence if they are beautiful." -From The Wild, Wild West (1965)
3. "You know, when Comedy Central asked us to do a Thanksgiving episode, the first thought that went through my mind was, 'Boy, I'd like to have sex with Jennifer Aniston.'" -Trey Parker from South Park (1997)
2. "He is dreadfully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life." -Artemus Ward
And the number one Valentine's quote...
1. "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." -Sharon Stone
Happy V.D. everyone!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/12/06)
And the alternates...
"Everything comes with age, and everyone knows, Madame, that twenty is not the time to be a prude." -Moliere
"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness." -Leo Tolstoy
"With many women I doubt whether there be any more effectual way of touching their hearts than ill-using them and then confessing it. If you wish to get the sweetest fragrance from the herb at your feet, tread on it and bruise it." -Anthony Trollope
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." -Henny Youngman
"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy." -George Lorimer
"You aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy." -Garth Brooks
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart. Pursue those..." -Unknown
Will: "You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautiful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem."
Laura: "Sorry. Wrong line. I am not taken aback by your keen insight and suddenly challenged by you." -From Wolf (1994)
Lulu: "Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." -From Can't Stop the Music (1980)
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." -Jim Backus
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Lelaina Pierce: "Are you religious?"
Michael Grates: "Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm, uh a non-practicing Jew."
Lelaina Pierce "Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin." -From Reality Bites (1994)
"We are not defined by who loves us, but by who we love." -From Adaptation (2002)
"One of the surest tests to see who your real friends are is to have a very beautiful girlfriend." -Jeffrey R. Gund
"I can't see your physical beauty - the darkness of your heart fails to illuminate it." -Jeffrey R. Gund
"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel." -Unknown
Catherine: "Oh, do you really think so, Sir Robert? How little you know about women. Good-bye. I doubt that we shall meet again."
Sir Robert: "Oh, do you really think so, Miss Winslow? How little you know about men." -From The Winslow Boy (1999)
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home." -Rodney Dangerfield
"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." -Henry Drummond
Top Ten Valentine's Messages on Amish Candy Hearts
10. Thou Art Hot
9. U Raise My Barn
8. My Jezebel
7. Rock My Buggy
6. 4 Keepeth
5. Quilt Babe
4. Let's Plow
3. Garden Ho
2. Farm Animal
And the number one Valentine's message on Amish candy hearts...
1. U Churn My Butter
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/13/05)
Top Ten Projects in Development at Starbucks
10. Coffee-flavored heroin
9. Enya CD's with caffeine
8. Intravenous travel mug
7. Juan Valdez' donkey muffins
6. Cappuccino chewing gum
5. Stainless coffee ring
4. Roast French
3. Mobile store that intercepts pedestrians
2. Vanilla Iced
And the number one project in development at Starbucks...
1. Mochaine
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/02/06)
And the alternate...
Crackuccino
