Friday, March 17, 2006


Top Ten Rejected California-themed Barbie Dolls

10. Rancho Palos Verdes Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 square foot house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

9. Fullerton Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

8. San Fernando Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

7. Tujunga Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Pasadena Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Jarvis, Ken's "cousin", plays softball four nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances. Tujunga Barbie's he-she girlfriend, Christine, comes with a bicep tattoo, and sleeveless t-shirt. Bud Light beer cozy and is sold separately.

6. Irvine Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

5. Fontana Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr.CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

4. Beverly Hills Barbie - This collagen-injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

3. Bakersfield Barbie - Comes with removable set of dentures and P&C brand hair dye. Her companion, Karl, Ken's distant cousin, is packaged next to an old Dodge Caravan that sits up on blocks and doubles as a dog house for Fester, the 3-legged dog. For a limited time, buy the Bakersfield yard set and get a free a set of beer can lawn ornaments.

2. Indio Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Tujunga Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

And the number one rejected California-themed Barbie...

1. San Francisco Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two San Francisco Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

And the alternates...

Carson Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for Carson Barbie or for Ken.

South Central Barbie - Rolling large in her 1987 Monte Carlo pimped-out with 20's, she is on her way to see Babydaddy Ken. Included are knappy weave, permanently attached cell phone, high-healed stilettoes and tight jeans. She's just got to get to Crenshaw to score some weed.

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