TOP TEN BILL GATES MOTIVATIONS

Top Ten Bill Gates Motivations

10. Just wanted to gain maniacal control of worldwide computing to HELP people.

9. Built $40 billion in personal wealth to impress chicks.

8. Only needs to buy Sun Microsystems, Hewlett Packard, and Marvin Gardens for complete Monopoly.

7. You think computers are just going to crash themselves? No, buster, somebody has to write the software that's gonna crash those computers!

6. Classy haircuts and designer frames aren't free, you know.

5. Was just waiting for James Bond to stumble into his trap before unleashing the Y2K virus on everyone.

4. Jerks at Netscape kept throwing garbage on his lawn.

3. It all started as a harmless prank that got out of hand.

2. Was really unsatisfied with the way it used to take surface mail DAYS to send a chain letter all the way around the world.

And the number one Bill Gates motivation...

1. Deal with Satan stipulated that Bill would never have to give up until there was peace in the Middle East, the economy was booming, and Newt Gingrich quit.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/98)

TOP TEN CONTRACTUAL DEMANDS BY THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

Top Ten Contractual Demands By The Taco Bell Chihuahua

10. His ethnicity be referred to at all times as "Canine-American."

9. Kennels in New York, Milan, and his old hood, Tha Dogg Pound.

8. His glass of scotch never gets down past the halfway mark.

7. The name of that bitch, Lassie, is never uttered in his presence.

6. That all the Kibbles be served separate from the Bits.

5. Pooches everywhere should never be insulted again by referring to Linda Tripp and a "dog."

4. Pussy cats, plenty and plenty of pussy.

3. 24 karat gold, jewel encrusted "scooper."

2. A personal assistant be provided to fetch, sit, and beg.

And the number one contractual demand by the Taco Bell chihuahua...

1. Ubermodel Elle MacPherson be flown in to hold his Milkbone.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/08/98)

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT MONICAGATE

Top Ten Good Things About Monicagate

10. Every ten-year-old now knows the difference between "fellatio" and "intercourse."

9. Hearing Barbara Walters mouth the word "semen."

8. Gap stock soars as blue dress sales skyrocket.

7. For once, Bill is quiet.

6. Al Gore to Dan Quayle at their inevitable debate: "I knew Bill Clinton, I worked with Bill Clinton. I am no Bill Clinton."

5. Highly educated special prosecutor Ken Starr is wasting millions of taxpayer's dollars questioning white collar ethics instead of efficiently putting felons behind bars. (Felons' point of view only)

4. At least Clinton isn't shagging Camilla Parker Bowles. Yet.

3. Unfaithful slobs everywhere now simply refered to as "clintonian."

2. It was either this or 24 hour coverage of O.J. Simpson golfing.

And the number one good thing about Monicagate...

1. Hillary can dump Bill, like the dead weight he is, put all of this behind her, and start running the country like we elected her to do.

TOP TEN REJECTED WRIGLEY'S GUM FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Wrigley's Gum Flavors

10. Tabasco 'n' Raisin

9. 40 Weight! With 100% Recycled Motor Oil Liquid Center

8. Gumshoe

7. Asbestos Fruitastic

6. Bus Station Barnacle Ballyhoo

5. Zapatista Zowie: It's A Revolution In Your Mouth!

4. Dr. Hawkenstein's Chewmucous Explosion

3. Broken Beer Bottle Crunch Surprise

2. Punishmint (Curiously Strong)

And the number one rejected Wrigley's gum flavor...

1. Blow, Pops: Washington's Favorite Candy. How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Hard Evidence?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/19/98)

TOP TEN WARTIME ATROCITIES IN BOSNIA

Top Ten Wartime Atrocities In Bosnia

10. Serbs got their chocolate in Muslims' peanut butter.

9. Sarajevo McDonalds replaced plastic toy Grimace with grenade in every Happy Meal.

8. Each Croat forced to change surname so that is contains at least three consecutive consonants (disemvowelment).

7. Yugo factory resorts to cheap parts and outdated designs for its cars.

6. Prison camps force victims to watch the Magic Hour with Magic Johnson.

5. Greater number of teens took up smoking.

4. 10,000 miles away, President Clinton has to seek solace in the arms of another woman.

3. Newest pop sensation: Sniper Spice.

2. U.N. Peacekeepers replace fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one wartime atrocity in Bosnia...

1. Flippant humor lists that make light of abject human suffering.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/10/98)

TOP TEN PRINCE WILLIAM PICK-UP LINES

Top Ten Prince William Pick-Up Lines...

10. You're not like the other serfer girls.

9. Do you deign to grace these premises with your presence often?

8. The Captain of my Bodyguard couldn't help but notice what a nice ass you have.

7. I won't behead you like my Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather Henry would.

6. What's your sign, title, and family crest?

5. Wanna appear on the front page of a tabloid?

4. Do fries and The Aquitaine come with that shake?

3. That's my horse and carriage parked outside.

2. You like the Spice Girls? Well they're coming over to visit my dad tonight.

And the number one Prince William Pick-Up Line...

1. That's not a sceptre in my pocket...I'm just glad to see you.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/02/99)

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST AFTER HE RETURNS IN THE YEAR 2000

Top Ten Items On Jesus' "Things To Do" List After He Returns In The Year 2000

10. Use the internet to find the current whereabouts of Judas.

9. Try a Remington Electric Razor. If He likes it, buy the company.

8. Sneak behind counter at McDonald's; have friend place gag order of fishes and loaves.

7. Stretch out, properly warm-up, then kick some Lucifer butt.

6. Goodbye sandals, hello Reeboks!

5. Appear on Jerry Springer, heal the guests.

4. Pop in a tape of "Titanic" so He'll have something to watch for Eternity.

3. Ride into New York City on donkey...apply for cab driver's license.

2 . Start a band.

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list after He returns in the year 2000...

1. Get a haircut and get a real job.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST BEFORE HE RETURNS IN THE YEAR 2000

Top Ten Items On Jesus' "Things To Do" List Before He Returns In The Year 2000

10. Pick up shroud at Turin dry cleaners.

9. Perfect new miracle: turning water into Diet Snapple.

8. Shoot 35mm preview of return announcing, "this time, it's personal."

7. Direct-mail campaign to those set for Pre-Tribulation rapture: rapture bus will arrive mid-to-post Trib.

6. Two words: Holy Spice

5. Rent a tux, buy a corsage, wash the Camaro.

4. Three day, five state book signing junket.

3. Stick head out of tomb, if no shadow, three more millenniums of winter.

2. Cancel paper, kennel the dog, set timer for the lights.

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list before He returns in the year 2000...

1. Pay a little visit to Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Jerry Falwell.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)