TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS ACCEPTING BRIBES

Top Ten Signs Your Congressman is Accepting Bribes

10. Demands tariffs to protect our domestic cocaine industry

9. Last three motions were entered from The Pink Taco Bar & Girl in the Virgin Islands

8. Agrees to allow drilling for oil in Dick Clark's toupée

7. Just lost the capitol of Vermont at the craps table

6. Moves we invade the Raider Nation

5. Appropriates more money for Reading, Writing, and Meth

4. Sides with Hillary Clinton that we impeach Newt Gingrich

3. His lap dog has a gold-encrusted scooper

2. He sells his votes on Amazon.com

And the number one sign your congressman is accepting bribes...

1. Names the next Space Shuttle "BudNikeBay"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/28/05)

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES

Top Ten Least Popular Thanksgiving Side Dishes

10. Porn Cone

9. Gibli

8. Rove Top Stuffing

7. Boat Gravy

6. Hash Potatoes

5. Candied Lambs

4. Turkey Squeezins

3. Sweet Potato Thigh

2. Manberry Sauce

And the number one least popular Thanksgiving side dish...

1. KoRnBread

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/23/05)

TOP TEN SENSATIONAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE BIBLE

Top Ten Sensational Newspaper Headlines in the Bible

10. Joseph: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

9. Third Quarter Temple Profits Down After Money Changer Scandal

8. Horny Joshua Exposes Entire City!

7. Two by Two: What REALLY Happened on the Ark?

6. Job to Yaweh: "Whatever!"

5. Mark Geragos to represent Cain: "My client is...not his brother's keeper."

4. Moses Dumps Pharoah for Burning Bush!

3. Cana Bride Found Two Cities Away, "It was supposed to be MY day..."

2. Sanhedrin: "Pharisees are totally whack!"

And the number one sensational newspaper headline in the Bible...

1. Pilot Decries Rise in Hebrew-on-Hebrew Violence

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/05)

TOP TEN PILGRIM PET PEEVES

Top Ten Pilgrim Pet Peeves

10. Lousy reception on Pre-Columbian TV's

9. We ate turkey and stuffing LAST year

8. Indians who act like they own this country

7. The trading post is putting up their Christmas decorations earlier every year

6. Traffic on the cross-forest trail is unbelievable

5. Trying to give thanks in 20 degree weather while you're dying of scurvy and rickets

4. Crazy old Dick Cheney keeps mumbling something about running for "president"

3. Playing Pictionary with a stick and some sand

2. Having to shoot the turkey since you can't choke the chicken.

And the number one Pilgrim pet peeve...

1. Windows1695

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/98)

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE BETTER IN THEORY THAN REALITY

Top Ten Things That are Better in Theory than Reality

10. Network television

9. Threesomes

8. Movies that feature Ben Stiller

7. Sex on the beach

6. Suing the bastards

5. Slo jams

4. Following your dream

3. The backstory on any album

2. War

And the number one thing that is better in theory than reality...

1. Marriage

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/14/05)

And the alternates...

Cell phones
All-star games
Anything beer-battered
Real desparate housewives
Political documentaries
The Sunday comics
Driving around in a convertible
Acoustic versions
Cordless anything
Leather upholstery
Top ten lists

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG ATTORNEY

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Attorney

10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena

9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes

8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart

7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex

6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price

5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch

4. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman

3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted

2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's

And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...

1. She has all the time in the world since she withdrew her Supreme Court nomination

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)

And the alternates...

Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."
Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT WAL-MART

Top Ten Projects in Development at Wal-Mart

10. A 99¢ DVD player

9. Gift registration services for shotgun weddings, NFL arraignments, and NASCAR funerals

8. Legislation that would raise the minimum wage to 8.00 an hour but allow them to pay all employees in pesos

7. An in-store discount plastic surgery outlet

6. Toddler-operated fork lifts that haul your grocery pallet to your Suburban

5. A Labor Day blowout with 25% more blow

4. Tubeless tube top

3. Wal-Street: blue chip stocks at junk bond prices...

2. Fall line of designer leaf blowers

And the number one project in development at Wal-Mart...

1. An Indonesian manufactured Top Eight List that sells for half the price of an American manufactured Top Ten List

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/04)

And the alternates...

The more exclusive Sam's Country Club
Novelty singing toaster

TOP TEN SPAM SUBJECT LINES IN IRAQ

Top Ten SPAM Subject Lines in Iraq

10. Elevation h^gher than the population? Get your DEGREE from ANY cave!

9. Beheadings: 1/2-Off!

8. Get your hump up: Camel V*I*A*G*R*A

7. Suic1de b0mb tick1ng? Check 0ut 0ur insurance rates N0W!

6. Dear Jihad Member, Verify your username, perimeter password, and ethnic affiliation

5. Hard2find u.r.a.n.i.u.m, s@r/in, wMd...

4. Crime-share opportunity in beautiful Abu Ghraib!

3. We'll close ur mortgage B4 the next insurgency.

2. Get in on ground flr - about to blow sky hi!

And the number one SPAM subject line in Iraq...

1. Local goats want to meet you!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/08/04)

And the alternates...

Moviephone: Catch the latest Osama DVD!
You are PRE-APPROVED for 77 celestial virgins in heaven!