Sunday, January 30, 2005


Stella Awards

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.


5TH PLACE (TIED): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5TH PLACE (TIED): A man, 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500--and medical expenses--after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle dog. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought for because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked. At the time, Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2ND PLACE: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1ST PLACE: This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, January 28, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Outlet Mall Factory Stores

10. Ted Benchley's Scratch 'n Dent Ammunition Barn

9. The Electrical Outlet Outlet Store

8. The Whore Wharehouse

7. Past Yer Eyes: Expired Milk Bonanza

6. Bonaparte's Short 'n Small 'n Passive Aggressive Men's Store

5. The Tack Room: Everything For The Space Between Your Thumb And The Bulletin Board

4. Tripp Wire: Covert Recording Supplies

3. The Rainfores--This Cafe Is Now Under The Control Of the People's Revolutionary Forces And Will Be Razed To Plant Cash Crops Like Marijuana To Further Finance the Glory Of The Revolution! Viva La Revolucion!

2. Stocks 'n Bonds: S & Megamart

And the number one rejected outlet mall factory store...

1. The Despot Depot: Discount Dictators Direct

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Top Ten Items Found by the U.N. Weapons Inspection Team in Iraq

10. Elite squad of Republican Guard dispatched advanced tactical attack goats trained to hunt down an Allied soldier and eat his canteen.

9. Top secret plans for a Muslim themed amusement park, "Allahland."

8. An identical looking Big Mac with twice the fat and three times the cholesterol designed to kill an American by age 35.

7. A bundled cache of "Honk If You Hate The West" bumperstickers.

6. A file folder brimming with unretouched photos of Clinton actually
making love to his wife.

5. A redneck from the Florida Panhandle that was dropped off in Baghdad by aliens in '73.

4. A missile warhead filled with copies of "The Satanic Verses" aimed at Tehran.

3. An illicit caravan selling pin-up posters of the "Bedouin Girls:" a
cheesy pop act wearing garish robes and sequin veils.

2. Burried barrels of dual-use chemicals that actually leave your skin
younger looking and diminish the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

And the number one item found by the U.N. weapons inspection team in Iraq...

1. 16mm black and white anti-American propaganda films starring a hilarious Farsi speaking Chihuahua.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, January 22, 2005


Top Ten Taco Bell Chihuahua Job Offers

10. Spokesdog: late night Hartz Mountain time share infomercials.

9. Sidekick: Conan O'Brian Show.

8. Taco filling: Shanghai, China

7. Dean of Students: Spuds Mackenzie's School for Wayward Bitches

6. Stunt Double: Ren and Stimpy Show.

5. Goodwill Ambassador to Cuba

4. Celebrity Doorman: Lassie's FIREHYDRANT! Casino

3. Go Go dancer: West Hollywood leather bar "The Leash."

2. Role of Arnold Jackson in the Broadway stage version of "Diff'rent Strokes."

And the number one Taco Bell Chihuahua job offer...

1. Ball fetcher for Siegfried & Roy

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, January 16, 2005


Top Ten Signs You Are in Love with Jason

10. You ask, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." But you only list the top ten.

9. Your twin girls are named Rohrie and Jasina.

8. You leave a trail of tempting cheeseburgers from your front door to your boudoir.

7. You find yourself renting two or three cars a day.

6. You are exhausted, and your hands are sore...from a hot night of e-mail.

5. You legally change your sign to Pisces.

4. You believe his lame jokes are filled with secret messages for you.

3. Your answering machine announces: "If this is Jason calling, stay on the line until I can get home and pick up the phone!"

2. You put posters of him right up over your old posters of Drew Carey.

And the number one sign you are in love with Jason...

1. Favorite Spice Girl? Jason.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Top Ten Reasons Jennifer and Brad Broke Up

10. Contrary to popular belief, SHE would always Bogart the joint.

9. He wanted to have kids; she wanted to date an actor.

8. Every night is was the same tired thing: TV, beer, then routine sex with the most beautiful person in the world.

7. He couldn't stand her (...wait for it...) Friends. (Get it? It's a wacky "Friends" pun! That never happens in print coverage of Jennifer Aniston!)

6. Once Britney and Jason Alexander broke up they realized ANY celebrity couple could fail.

5. He kept working on that damn truck all weekend and wouldn't even come in when hot supper was ready.

4. Money.

3. He kept wanting to have a threesome with Angelina Jolie; she kept wanting to have a threesome with David Gest.

2. Scheduled divorce before awards season so they could capitalize on the inevitable awkward meeting on the red carpet.

And the number one reason Jennifer and Brad broke up...

1. It's more like Ocean's 4 or 5, if you know what I mean.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, January 10, 2005


A cool timeline...

25 years ago: I had just turned 10. The horses at Glenhilly, our ancestral Estate, were bringing their Spring foals. Father had picked out the fastest one, Zanzibar, an Arabian Quarter Horse with fire his belly, to be my mount for the Fox Hunt that season. Oh, father! Why did you have to leave us for that Haitian stable boy?

20 years ago: I had just turned 15, the Superior Court of Appeals finally mandated that I could be tried as an adult. Why didn't I listen to Senator Halstead when he was giving advice? I would later find out what the juvenile system had in store for less fortunate defendants...

15 Years ago: I had just turned 20. Getting out of the military was one of my better decisions but the lessons learned in Viet Nam were still ringing in my head. How I ended up in that tower and where I got the rifle are questions that I guess I'll never have answers to. I just hope God lets those kids enter heaven so I won't have to face them again.

10 Years ago: I had just turned 25. Like a lot of Baccalaureates I couldn't decide on a post college career. MBA? Work for Uncle Winston at the Underwriter's Guild? Law school beckoned with promises of huge payouts in questionable tort cases. How I ended up touring South Africa in that Sondheim Revue remains a mystery. What I know is that's how I met Alison Leslie Potts and that's all that matters.

5 years ago: I had just turned 30. I was spending $40 a day just to get well, $80 a day if I wanted to get high. At $5 a trick in Griffith Park, well, you do the math. I had lost Jill, Silas, and Zanzibar. I had hit bottom. At one point I just looked at Clarence Frank and announced in my best Judd Nelson "I've been to Paradise but I've never been to me."

3 years ago: I was 32. My time in the Peace Corps had been productive, even rewarding, but my novel was stalled and things with Bree were, well, sketchy. She didn't want to share me with the world and I loathed her coffeehouse friends. How could I enjoy a double half-caff when things were disintegrating in the Sudan? It would prove too much for either of us. I think I lost all desire to write after that. My novel was our stillborn child. I can still hear chapter 24 crying out its sad denouement in the cradle of my cerebellum. Rage against the dying of the light, little chapter, do not go gently into that good night...

1 year ago: I was 34. The surgery was a success and I could finally throw away my toupee forever! The braces will be off next year and to think they said I would never walk again! I can't wait to hold Zanzibar and taste the salt air of coastal New Guinea again.

This year: I've just turned 35. I live in my condo and, for the first time in my life, make pretty decent money. I will have a full-time job for the spring semester, and hope that it will extend into a permanent one. I have amazing friends who I love very much, and a family which supports me unconditionally (even though my dad would like me to get married). I still surf, and I still direct shows. I'm leaving for NY in a few days for another adventure.

Yesterday: I golfed with Harvey and he thinks my software fix for the mass spectrometer aboard the Hubble will never fly with Jerry and the boys at JPL. I just told him they can come up with their own Finley algorithm to deal with the Bose-Einstein Condensate. He backed down and promised there won't be anymore "Russian" episodes again. I was just happy to be golfing.

Today: It's only 2:14pm, but so far I'm on my second cup of coffee and am trying to reply to e-mails. I plan to go to the gym (but I said that yesterday and blew it off...) and will clean my foul house. I also have an appointment with Kevin, my hairdresser for a cut-and-color. Tonight I'm going to dinner and then drinks with Edward and I think that is progressing nicely. Tonight may be the night! I am excited about what the New Year will bring.

Tomorrow: January 11, 2005. I'm guessing I'll call the Independent Counsel back and finally agree to testify before Congress. I just hope Azra and Muhammad can get out of Gitmo before the other shoe falls. When I left Riyadh in '98 I never would have thought it would go down like this. Sometimes the world (and especially the Middle East!) is a crazy place, you know?

And you?

Friday, January 07, 2005


Top Ten Jabba The Hutt New Year's Resolutions

10. Return ThighMaster for full refund.

9. Finally come out to mom and dad at the all-Hutt cotillion.

8. Have Lewis Carroll ghostwrite autobiography, Jabbawocky.

7. Attack queen in chess-by-mail game with Boba Fett.

6. Sue Pizza Hut, Sunglass Hut, and Timothy Hutton for copyright infringement.

5. Learn bass line to Louie Louie: start all-slug band.

4. Finally build that patio deck he's been talking about.

3. Kill next joker who mistakenly refers to him as a "Jawa."

2. Use cool carbon freezing machine to make Bantha-size novelty popsicles.

And the number one Jabba the Hutt New Year's resolution...

1. Finally work up the guts to ask out Kirsty Alley.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


All questions pertain to 2004, if it doesn't say specifically.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Finally decided that I want to stay a man. I think that is my gender-destiny.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. Unh unh.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
This lady next to me on the train.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Rodney Dangerfield.

5. What countries did you visit?
Compton, Watts

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
That kidney I sold for beer money.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The 4th of July. I was in a hot tub full of women. September 11 when I sailed to Catalina Island and drank corn squeezins.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying off the junk.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't have a successful, fulfilling romantic relationship. But I refuse to categorize this as a "failure". I did have some really cheap meaningless dinners.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Does mental illness count? Cause I didn't suffer any of that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A hairless Asian boy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Paris Hilton

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Paris Hilton. Reality TV? C'mon, Paris. Go back to porn where you belong!

14. Where did most of your money go?
The Forum. Those who dismiss it as a cult don't understand the relationship between your soul and the material tribute we pay in this life to avoid a celestial shame spiral.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This one time I found a parking meter with 21 minutes left on it! Screw you City Hall! HA! That's one quarter you won't be getting this year! Boo Yah! Go back to invading oil rich countries you Fascist Pinko Commie Hippies!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
If I Only Had a Brain.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Fuchsia
b) thinner or fatter? Quite
c) richer or poorer? Yes

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Crystal Meth

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Working towards peace on earth. Cleaning out my linen closet.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I wouldn't say "fell" so much as "collided with" in an unmarked intersection.

22. How many one-night stands?
We weren't really standing, but let's just say that I gave one Marine a memory he can take with him to the torture chambers of Fallujah. Semper Fi.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
That one guy who doesn't turn left on the protected green arrow because he is not paying attention because the through-traffic light is still red? That guy.

25. What was the best book you read?
Shadow Divers by Kurson

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The way my nose whistles when I'm congested and drunk.

27. What did you want and get?
That warm feeling way deep down in my toes.

28. What did you want and not get?
Rolls Royce Phaeton III

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
The x-ray of my left molar when it cracked from riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Bury Farm.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to, um, Chuck E. Cheese and, um, saw the moose, and...Oh! I won a pencil with a fire truck on it! And played Tekken, like, 30 times! The best part was the pizza cause a guy comes by and gives you all the free re-fills on Coke you can drink. I had three Cokes before my mommy said I couldn't have anymore. But the guy came by one more time and snuck me another one when my mommy wasn't looking. He was so cool! I ran out of tokens before Bobby did and he even shared some of his with me. I turned 35 this year.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
A timely arraignment with my own counsel, not that Public Defender weasel they gave me. Late.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Pre-Colombian Dominatrix.

33. What kept you sane?
Jack Daniel's and Slimfast. The brunch of champions.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dan Rather. That guy can bring down a president faster than Monica Lewinsky. Did you see that forgery story he broke? Classic.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay divorce.

36. Who did you miss?
Bullwinkle Moose. They really gotta bring that guy back.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. Tony Silva. That guy knows bunions.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
You can't really make a housecat take a bath if it doesn't want to. Or a shower. Or even get in the hot tub. Or the lap pool at Bally's.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Tell me why
The car is in the front yard
And I
Am sleeping with my clothes on?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, January 02, 2005


Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2005

10. Martha Stewart is discovered smuggling fois gras into prison in her rectum.

9. Whitney Houston's condition is still unknown but doctors rule out "stable."

8. I giant Imperial Star Destroyer docks at the Pentagon and takes Donald Rumsfeld back to his home planet.

7. Tara Reid's bed collapses: 2 killed 14 injured.

6. After the free Iraqi elections, Cheney carves out his own small republic: Dickistan. Capitol: Halliburtamabad.

5. Fans become unruly at a WBC heavyweight boxing match and a Pistons game breaks out.

4. Liza Minnelli legally changes her sign to Gemini so she can get readings for both of her personalities.

3. The hockey lockout is broken when the Detroit Red Wings agree to take on Ron Artest in a best-two-out-of-three cage match.

2. Michael Jackson explains naked photos of himself with guests at Neverland as a "wardrobe malfunction."

And Jason's number one prediction for 2005...

1. Tom Cruise and Madonna form an even wackier cult based on the teachings of Kabbala and thetan worship: Ziontology.

-Jason Rohrblogger