Esquire Magazine's 50 Reasons It's Good to Be an American Man (in no particular order)
Note: This was published in Esquire's June 2006 issue and is reprinted here without permission. Copyright, schmoppyright
50. Eight more Sopranos episodes
49. This formula: a Tuesday, the sizzling sun, cheap beer, bleacher seats
48. Because if you're an American man, you're not a British man
47. Because someday you could grow up to be Grand Exalted Ruler of a club called the Elks
46. Macaroni and cheese. And hot dogs
45. Yellow mustard
44. Corn Bread
43. ZZ Top. They're from Texas, and they're not from old money. In fact, they just got paid today, and it was all nickels and dimes. They sport beards that would be unacceptable to most biker mamas. They have consumed booze, drugs, topless dancers, pork ribs, and pecan pie with equal and unadulterated ferocity. And considering that they haven't made a decent album since 1983, it's somewhat remarkable that they're still around. But ZZ Top continues to define the aesthetics of unrepentant American maleness; this is the music of liars, fighters, and gamblers. ZZ Top is what you hear when there are thirteen people in the bar and twelve of them are men (and the thirteenth is a waitress and she’s been divorced three times). It's a straightforward equation: Billy Gibbons gets his ax in the pocket, everybody hunkers down with Camel straights, the world turns into chrome and leather, and thirty years of political correctness evaporates like spit. –Chuck Klosterman
42. The perfect cheeseburger
41. The never-ending quest to find the perfect barbecue joint
40. Batting cages and driving ranges. In the same spot
39. Tiffany's. Any schmuck with a credit card can walk in, buy the cheapest trinket in the store, have 'em wrap it up in that peacock-blue box with a satin bow, and melt any woman's heart.
38. NFL Sunday Ticket
37. The ever-changing standards of American beauty. While men elsewhere have fairly stagnant tastes, our ideal swings constantly from Kate Moss to J. Lo. This is good. It means American women have countless norms to pick from and ensures us of a truly eclectic buffet.
36. The surfeit of attractive actresses named Jennifer
35. That the Yankees haven't won the World Series in five seasons. And it ain't gonna happen this year, either
34. That concurrently Bob Dylan and Kanye West both, in some way, speak for you
33. The red-eye out of Vegas. At 3:00 p.m., you're poolside, trying to sweat out an ill-advised round of mojitos with three women from Nova Scotia. You haven't eaten since the night before, when you had a porterhouse at a place where they made the Caesar salad at your table. At 6:00, you get your bag from the bellman and wash up in the casino restroom. You still look good. At 8:00, you stand at the craps table, your bag at your feet, and make one last concerted effort to hit on your famous parley on the horn hi yo. At 9:45, after laying a quick five hundred on the Redskins, you grab a cab to the airport, where you drop a final hundred into the Wheel of Fortune slot machines as you tug on a Bloody Mary. At 11:56, you take your seat on the plane, and fifteen minutes later, every reading light goes out, every head tilts into a makeshift pillow. When you land, you debark bleary-eyed, crook-stepped. It's 5:58. In three hours you will be at work. –Tom Chiarella
32. The C-note
31. The rebirth of the steak house. Less burgundy, better meat
30. The duality of never buying a Jack LaLanne juicer but being happy that he is selling them
29. The smell of a box of baseballs
28. DVR for just seven dollars a month
27. Boy shorts on women
26. Wine in a box
25. Salad in a bag
24. Titanium is our mineral. Titanium drivers. Titanium bats. Titanium armor
23. When you think about it, our flag is still the coolest looking of any nation's. Except maybe Kiribati's
22. You can eat Krispy Kremes sautéed in trans fat at every meal for the next three months and still not be the fattest person at the state fair
21. You're never more than a car ride away from a decent public golf course
20. Low expectations
19. The Food Network's Giada De Laurentiis
18. One-hundred-eighty-minute happy hours
17. Three beach chili
16. Four-door trucks
15. Five-blade razors
14. The lyrics to Hank Williams Jr.'s "Texas Women:" I've got some fond memories of San Angelo / And I've seen some beauty queens in El Paso / But the best looking women that I've ever seen / Have all been in Texas and all wearing jeans
13. Baked beans at Durgin-Park. In Boston, of course
12. Tater Tots
11. Texas Pete hot sauce
10. Slow-pitch softball
9. Cheap cars with cojones. Like the Dodge Magnum, a wagon that'll do 130 miles per hour
8. The first four days of the NCAA tournament. Forty-eight games in eighty-four hours
7. The first eighteen minutes of Conan O'Brien
6. The Wonderbra
5. 3-in-One oil
4. Outlaw Country (channel 63) on Sirius. Self-description: "A sanctuary for the freaks, misfits, outcasts, rebels, and renegades of country music."
3. Redwood National Park in California. An atheist could find God here
2. Canadian import Emanuelle Chriqui
And Esquire Magazine's number one reason it's good to be an American man...
1. The original Tommy's burger. Not Tommies, mind you, that sorry mall-rat imitator of the real thing in L.A., but Tommy’s - the y indicating that the chili on top has been brewing in the same pot for fifty years, which may be why you find very few American women in the long line
-Esquire Magazine
(07/04/06)
