Top Ten Signs Tiny Dancer Is Turning Thirty
10. Jell-O shots now a full 30% Jell-O
9. Trades in novelty burlesque "On Golden Blonde" for actual copy of "On Golden Pond"
8. Damn kids won't get off her lawn
7. Instead of going to the store or buying food, she just watches the Shopping Channel and the Food Network
6. Still rolls around naked on a fur rug...when her back goes out
5. She no longer thinks of the speed limit as a challenge. In fact, driving too fast upsets her dashboard compass...
4. Orders the "good grass." ...and she is talking about her lawn.
3. That Izod preppy shirt she put away until it comes back in style has come back in style
2. It was just like a Fairy Tale only a little
And the number one sign Tiny Dancer is turning thirty...
1. Little known fact: Maya is really a seeing-eye dog
Monday, March 27, 2006
Top Ten Signs Tiny Dancer Is Turning Thirty
Friday, March 24, 2006
Note: Today's guest blogger is Robert Van Deven
Top Ten Rejected Products From Hasbro
10. Wrestle-mania fist of death Barbie
9. Crabs in the pants
8. The Hasbro fro on the go Venus Flytrap disguise kit
7. Ogle, that bug-eyed staring game
6. My lil' mink farm
5. Nitpicker, the game where people end up hating you
4. Hungry hungry Kirstie Allies
3. Chutes and ladders and pits with spikes at the bottom
2. Rotten fruit
And the number one rejected product from Hasbro...
1. *N Sync goes to hell colorforms
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:32 AM
Friday, March 17, 2006
Top Ten Rejected California-themed Barbie Dolls
10. Rancho Palos Verdes Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 square foot house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
9. Fullerton Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
8. San Fernando Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
7. Tujunga Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Pasadena Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Jarvis, Ken's "cousin", plays softball four nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances. Tujunga Barbie's he-she girlfriend, Christine, comes with a bicep tattoo, and sleeveless t-shirt. Bud Light beer cozy and is sold separately.
6. Irvine Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
5. Fontana Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr.CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
4. Beverly Hills Barbie - This collagen-injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
3. Bakersfield Barbie - Comes with removable set of dentures and P&C brand hair dye. Her companion, Karl, Ken's distant cousin, is packaged next to an old Dodge Caravan that sits up on blocks and doubles as a dog house for Fester, the 3-legged dog. For a limited time, buy the Bakersfield yard set and get a free a set of beer can lawn ornaments.
2. Indio Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Tujunga Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
And the number one rejected California-themed Barbie...
1. San Francisco Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two San Francisco Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
And the alternates...
Carson Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for Carson Barbie or for Ken.
South Central Barbie - Rolling large in her 1987 Monte Carlo pimped-out with 20's, she is on her way to see Babydaddy Ken. Included are knappy weave, permanently attached cell phone, high-healed stilettoes and tight jeans. She's just got to get to Crenshaw to score some weed.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 2:48 PM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Yet even more e-mail spam...
THEN and NOW
THEN: Long hair
NOW: Longing for hair
THEN: Acid rock
NOW: Acid reflux
THEN: Moving to California because it's cool
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm
THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
NOW: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
THEN: Seeds and stems
THEN: Hoping for a BMW
NOW: Hoping for a BM
THEN: The Grateful Dead
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian
THEN: Going to a new, hip joint
NOW: Receiving a new hip joint
THEN: Rolling Stones
NOW: Kidney Stones
THEN: Being called into the principal's office
NOW: Calling the principal's office
THEN: Screw the system
NOW: Upgrade the system
THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
THEN: Passing the drivers' test
NOW: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?," "I'd walk a mile for Camel," or "de plane, Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:40 AM
Friday, March 10, 2006
George Bush's Top Ten Threats to America
10. Activist Judges
8. Osama's Homo Abortion Jizzporium
7. The Price of Oil of Olay
6. The Gay Mafia
5. Wardrobe Malfunctions
4. The Internets
3. Human-animal Hybrids
2. Michael Moore
And George Bush's number one threat to America...
1. Evil Dewar's
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:58 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I submitted myself for review over at I Talk 2 Much. I got the reviewer called Princess Pottymouth. They all have great avatars over there, but her's is especially nice. They are a tough crowd. They hate the black template with a white hot passion, etc... I knew I would get raked over the coals for that. The worst part was she accused me of plagiarizing my lists: which she spelled "plaguarized." I am not making this up. Then she announces that she is not even interested in looking for the original sources. And finally, she demands that I stop signing my posts. Ouch. Well, there are no original sources for my posts, other than my own mind. When there is another source, I make that clear by putting their signature at the bottom of the post! I did however steal the entire premise from David Letterman who stole it originally from the Book of Lists.
If you are visiting from IT2M, welcome. Feel free to look around or post any "plaguerized" lists of your own... Thanks for the love, Princess Pottymouth!
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:22 AM
Monday, March 06, 2006
Top Ten Signs You Are Carrying Tom Cruise's Baby
10. Heart-monitor beeps out theme to Mission: Impossible
9. Child already same height as the father
8. You've grown fond of the first name Elron
7. After disappointing second trimester, third trimester goes straight to DVD
6. Sometimes you just gotta say "What the heck"
5. Birth video directed by Michael Bay
4. Due on the 4th of July
3. Fetus jumps on your spleen whenever you watch Oprah
2. Your relationship has already jumped the shark
And the number one sign you are carrying Tom Cruise's baby...
1. After a cocktail of vanilla sky vodka you hold your eyes wide shut as he taps out endless love with all the right moves. After the last samurai, you've had a few good men, some young guns, but they were the outsiders because he is far and away the legend, the top gun, in the risky business of losin' it. He is the firm magnolia that brings you days of thunder and rain, man; the power of the world's collateral fades, like the color of money, and sounds like the distant minority report of fireworks born on the Fourth of July.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:42 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Top Ten Anna Nicole Smith Arguments Before the Supreme Court
10. If the love doesn't fit, you must acquit
9. Compliment Sandra Day O'Connor on her sister, Caroll O'Connor's, work on "All in the Family"
8. No! You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order!
7. Demand Judge Reinhold recuse himself
6. Respond to everything the defendant says with two-snaps-and-a-neck-roll
5. Agree to give Clarence Thomas a lap dance every time he sustains an objection
4. Request sidebar with Rusty the Bailiff and Doug LLewellyn
3. Consistently refer to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as "girlfriend"
2. Announce that her real name is now Vickie Lynn Marshall Mathers
And the number one Anna Nicole Smith argument before the Supreme Court...
1. Offer to share the settlement with her new dead husband, William Rehnquist
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:37 AM