Top Ten Fave Quotes
10. A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. -Mitch Hedberg
9. Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One. -Jay Leno
8. About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. -Josh Billings
7. If you're so pro-life, do me a favor: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. -Bill Hicks
6. Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. -Steve Martin
5. There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. -Dennis Miller
4. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -P.J. O'Rourke
3. Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us. -Larry Miller
2. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. -Steven Wright
And the number one fave quote...
1. Women should be obscene and not heard. -Groucho Marx
And the alternates...
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. -Emo Philips
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -P.J. O'Rourke
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. -Paula Poundstone
Married people are not a very good advertisement for marriage. -Bill Maher
This is not the most right I've ever been. -Paul Reiser
My girlfiend said to me in bed last night, "you're a pervert" I said, "that's a big word for a girl of nine." -Emo Philips
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage: they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner
I think the reason they cast me as the good girls is because they couldn't find any in Hollywood. -Victoria Jackson
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. -David Letterman
Monday, May 29, 2006
Top Ten Fave Quotes
Friday, May 26, 2006
Top Ten Signs You Live In L.A.
10. You are pulled over for a routine traffic violation, two years and three surgeries later, Blair Underwood is signed to play you in the made-for-TV movie
9. You're deaf, yet you carry two cell phones and a pager
8. Your '99 Honda Civic is fined as a "gross polluter"
7. You've lived by the beach for ten years, yet you've never actually gotten in the water
6. You saw the best movie of 2006 in March of 2004
5. You hike eight miles and 5000 feet to the top of Mt. Palomar to legally light a cigarette
4. Your nipple rings always hold up the line at the airport
3. English is spoken in the home, but everything else is in Spanish
2. It's a struggle to feed your $600-a-day Starbucks habit
And the number one sign you live in L.A....
1. You're always a little bit shocked and offended when somebody rudely answers their phone, instead of politely letting you talk to their voicemail
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 4:57 AM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Top Ten Signs You Are an Auto Insurance Claims Adjuster
10. You promise to love, honor, and cherish your wife, except for purposes of worker's compensation, fidelity, suretyship, and boiler and machinery commercial lines.
9. You pay your child five dollars a week allowance not to exceed $250.00 per annum unless chores were committed flagrantly and in conscious disregard of Subsection 1.1(c), or in bad faith creating unreasonable delay, or performed in an unworkmanlike manner resulting in the suspension or revocation of the child's license.
8. You indemnify your cat.
7. You refer to your son's Boy Scout Troop as "that little reciprocal exchange fraternal benefit society."
6. You delay orgasm by requiring a formal proof of loss form and subsequent verification that results in duplication of information and verification appearing in the formal proof of loss form.
5. You open a restaurant and charge $5,662.21 for an omelet - calculated as the lifetime earning potential of the three chickens that died to make the omelet.
4. During the playoffs you refuse to acknowledge any third-party family members for a period of fifteen (15) calendar days.
3. You drop draft a dozen roses to your wife in partial settlement for failure to exhibit property in a reasonable and timely manner and for breech of policy on or before the anniversary of your nuptial contract.
2. You subrogate the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.
And the number one sign you are an auto insurance claims adjuster...
1. You explain to your three-year-old that she can't have the candy until she recovers a deductible upon the first party claimant's request, if any, and the deduction may then be for only a pro-rata share of the allocated loss adjustment expense in reasonable proportion to the candy including but not limited to betterment and depreciation.
And the alternate...
That's a policy in his pocket and he's NOT glad to see you.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:20 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Note: Cowboy Dave recently featured me nicely in one of his posts. Thanks for the blog love, Dave. Herewith are...
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from Bourbon Cowboy
10. I'm sleeping literally on the hardwood floor in a sleeping bag, and the closest laundromat is two blocks away, and it's pretty darn cold outside. But I'm actually surprised at how happy I already am.
9. So already I was pretty sure I was dealing with an idiot.
8. If every time that something in life that should be simple turned out bizarrely difficult, and I reacted each time by waving my fist impotently at the skies, by now I'd have the wrists of Popeye and you'd be seeing me at 3 am on ESPN2 in the World's Strongest Forearm Competition, arm-wrestling Glandulor, the robot that made Deep Blue's high school years hell.
7. I was ecstatic! This is the Holy Grail of cheat papers!
6. You know how life sucks but then it keeps on sucking?
5. Obviously, I've been living in the wrong damn part of the country up to now.
4. I think I just dejigamahooed the proper dealybob, so everything should now be cromulent.
3. Bring the real essentials-clothes, computer, TV, my scotch collection....
2. My problems actually started a few entries ago....
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line from Bourbon Cowboy...
1. Last night at a toga party, while I was soaking in a hot tub and waiting for the Jell-O wrestling to start, four of the sweetest and most beautiful young lesbians I have ever met stripped naked, climbed in, and started making out with each other so close to me that we later joked about how all our legs were getting tangled together.
And the alternates...
How many 3-dollar hotdogs had I actually consumed?
Possible exception if you're a lovely woman with a cute picture somewhere; I'm not ruling anything out.
...my limit is almost always two drinks, unless someone else is buying.
I think I heard a cosmic toilet flush as I realized how much I was going to have to leave behind. So long, futon! Goodbye, exercise bike!
Catch, thy name is Twenty-two.
[pause for drinking.]
I barely rate a second glance.
I spent the afternoon of Tuesday in orant pose near a toilet, and I cancelled my other two look-sees. And that's how I wound up with the apartment I have.
Guess who reads blogs looking for references to the company I work for? The company I work for!
I may, of course, be delusional.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 10:16 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Top Ten Sudanese Insults For Americans
10. Bomb dropping Spielberg lovers
9. Lewinsky stained McLiars
8. Beer guzzling cell phone wielding Richard Simmons followers
7. Barney worshiping embassy deserters
6. Cable ready CNN zombies
5. China coddling, Hillary electing, Southern Canadians
4. Windows98™ crashing motherless sons of Bill Gates
3. Strung out Baywatch junkie couch cowards
2. Cadillac driving golf slaves
And the number one Sudanese insult for Americans...
1. Pork eating, TV preaching, Kathie Lee Gifford watching Great Western Satans of the Age
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:01 PM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Top Ten Products in Development at Pfizer
10. A weight loss drug that also makes you interesting
9. A marriage supplement
8. A topical solution that restores hair on your head and removes hair from your back
7. A financial restorative
6. An anti-assaholic
5. Breath remover
4. An erection pill that also increases your intelligence
3. A fertility drug whose effectiveness is based on your level of income
And the number one product in development at Pfizer...
1. A selective memory enhancement drug
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:46 PM
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Top Ten Rejected Retail Shoe Stores
9. Imelda's Closet
7. Hammertoe Time
6. Shoe From Shineola
5. Foot Shocker
4. Leather, Straps 'n' Buckles
3. New Business Like Shoe Business
2. Pimp Pumps
And the number one rejected retail shoe store...
1. Shoe Fetish
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:55 PM
Friday, May 05, 2006
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from Piehole...
10. He's lucky that he says "structure" in that way that makes me all melty. And then "structure structure structure" so that I get super melty.
9. PS. Winner of the Ciscoe Morris Impersonation Contest? ME!
8. ...when we engage in an uncharacteristic, and potentially soppy, walk on the beach while holding hands, he called me shithead.
7. "Mont-gum-reh! It's suppah time!"
6. My hair is having a very cute day... My back fat, on the other hand, not so much.
5. Two dishwashers. One for the dishes, one for the dildos.
4. ...it was either drinking or stabbing people.
3. And by "fun" I mean "salmonella"
2. I wish I could punch you through the phone.
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line from Piehole...
1. Piehole! The title itself is pure hilarity! As if there is a hole just for pie... -snicker-
And the alternates...
Who knew that 2 donuts could knock me on my ass?
Will I ever tire of being leered at like I'm a piece of meat by middle-aged couples trying to get their three-way on?
...throwing rum on it sounded like a good idea at the time...
Who do I have to blow to get one small dumbass turkey in this neighborhood?
And I'm sorry I called you an armpit. I didn't mean it. (I totally meant it.)
I celebrated by falling down the stairs in my office... Go me.
I mean, I don't want people yelling "FORNICATOR!" at me when I walk in, but something with a little less kissing.
Where the hell is all this pee coming from?
Oh, cruel fate. Why must you ream me?
I cannot poop on command.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:41 AM