Top Ten Things Jason Does With His Spare Time
10. Work on macrome tryptich depicting the history of Borneo
9. Look for the Real Killers
8. Re-watch all 13 episodes of The Greatest American Hero
7. Study for the GED
6. Shave my back
5. Finish translating the Koran into the Cajun dialect
4. Save the children
3. Figure out next month's horoscope for that hilarious Chihuahua
2. Dark grumbling about how nobody understands my humor. Hate world...revenge soon...
And the number one thing Jason does with his spare time...
1. Write top one thousand list, take funniest 1%, send out as top ten list
Monday, July 31, 2006
Top Ten Things Jason Does With His Spare Time
Friday, July 28, 2006
Top Ten Bush Suggestions After the 9/11 Panel Report
10. Route all trains away from the capitol so they can't be hijacked and driven into the White House.
9. Guantanamo Bay detainees should be held a minimum of two years to guarantee fresh intelligence.
8 . Best way to fight terrorism? Tax cuts for the rich.
7. Wartime is no time for the Geneva Convention.
6. Relax gun control laws so the average citizen can protect himself on an airplane.
5. Sexual harassment training for all Abu Ghraib prisoners.
4. Wait. Something happened on 9/11?
3. Bomb Afghanistan back to the stone age to deprive Al Qaeda of it's military and industrial might.
2. Stabilize the blood-for-oil exchange on the new Baghdad Stock Market.
And the number one Bush suggestion after the 9/11 panel report...
1. Death penalty for all suicide bombers.
-Jason Rohrblogger and Kyle Bloggam
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:33 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Top Ten Reasons Your Rental Car Is Not Ready
10. Somebody better looking than you came by, without a reservation, and we just gave it to them
9. The "B" in Budget stands for "broken"
8. No vehicle will be released until the driver complies with our strict "No Pants" policy
7. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our
frequent drunken brawls
6. The vehicle was picked up by Secret Service agents who suspiciously asked of we were running a Ford "Escort" Service
5. Your sub-compact will be delivered to you once the family of
Russian squatters moves out
4. Your rental is being serviced by our highly motivated staff of
factory trained squirrels
3. There's probably an astroid headed towards the earth right now and our total annihilation is imminent so what difference does it make if your Elantra is a few minutes late?
2. We've secretly replaced all of the cars in our fleet with Folger's
And the number one reason your rental car is not ready...
1. Old Man Budget says the only form of payment we can accept anymore is aluminum cans
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:10 AM
Friday, July 21, 2006
Top Ten Rejected Amusement Park Rides
10. Voyage to the Bottom of the Urinal
9. The Flying Tooth Extractor
8. Mysterious House of Waning Consiousness
7. Sailboat on Mine Harbor
6. The Empregnator
5. Dr. Hacksaw's Amputorium
4. The Acid Drop
3. Three-Thousand-Mile Coast to Coaster
2. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and Subsequent Arraignment
And the number one rejected amusement park ride...
1. Honey, I Shrunk Your Testicles
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:32 AM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Top Ten Children's Books By Stephen King
10. Incisor the Rabid Puppy
9. Playground of Pain
7. My Substitute Is Satan
6. A Clown Touches Billy
5. Cafeteria Coroner
4. The Boy's Locker Room Redemption
3. Shoot Out at OK Elementary
2. Braces in the Basement
And the number one children's book by Stephen King...
1. Barbie Q.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:18 PM
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Top Ten Signs You Are Not Getting Enough Sleep
10. You fantasize more about the mattress than the woman
9. Your eyelids are heavier than Elton John at Hometown Buffet
8. You try to count sheep but it just makes you spill your third cappuccino extinguishing your meth pipe.
7. You dream about all of the sleep you are finally going to get when you wake up.
6. You hit the snooze bar on your car alarm. Then you drop your head down among the twisted debris to get a few winks before the jaws of life get there to cut you out.
5. You have huge fluffy pillows implanted in your wife's breasts.
4. Airport security searches the bags under your eyes
3. You pay $1.99 a minute to hear Laura Ashley whisper slowly about the thread count
2. You've replaced the fine Ambien normally served with Folger's Crystals
And the number one sign you are not getting enough sleep...
1. The last time you closed your eyes in 1991 there was a Bush in the White House, a war in Iraq, and the Democrats were about to win the election
And the alternates...
You've spent less time on your back than a turtle
You don't even bother to set the cruise control on the RV before you head back to crash on the couch for a quick nap
You name your twins Sealy and Posturepedic
By the time you have to wake up, your microwave popcorn is almost done
You are first in line to buy the new Ford Siesta
You suffer from Wake-o-lepsy
Your ancestors beckon you to walk towards the light but you stop for a nap
It's 7:00pm and you've already crashed like a Delta flight
You complain that your husband doesn't give you enough snoreplay
You belly up to the snooze bar and order a Nap on the Beach
You envy that girl in the coma for 20 years
You daydream about night dreams
You institute a company-wide mandatory afternoon Goldfish cracker snack and nap time
You fall asleep reading this list
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:01 AM
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Top Ten Projects In Development At KFC
10. A fat free "super-chicken" with four breasts and eight legs, yet no thighs or ribs
9. New nugget texture: Extra Soggy
8. An insulated disposable paper bucket with separate compartments for 15 pieces of chicken, 4 large fries, and 1 gallon of ice cold soda that can withstand 5 minutes in a 350 degree deep fat fryer
7. Drive-Thru restrooms
6. A NASA-approved freeze dried chicken pot pie that can be consumed through a straw
5. Catsup flavored Ketchup
4. A non-flammable petroleum based synthetic Ranch-flavored dressing-style reconstituted condiment dispensed in .0005oz indestructible packets
3. Boneless cheesecake
2. A more sophisticated Post-Doctor Pepper
And the number one project in development at KFC...
1. Immediate deployment of a potato fueled Detroyer-class Gravy Boat followed by a unilateral Declaration of Allegience to Colonalisimo Sanders
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 11:53 AM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
This questionnaire was so off-the-wall that I simply had to comply... Behold its craptastic goodness! Feel free to participate, and enjoy.
Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?
You mean, besides with your mom?
Are you gay?
Your mom is gay
Do you have hairy legs?
Your mom does
Do you smoke anything?
Ham and turkey
Do you like monkeys?
I spank my monkey. He is, after all, naughty
How many fillings do you have?
Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
I would like to swim in a lake inside the ocean
Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Is that what I licked? A square battery?
Have you ever read the Bible?
Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Throughout my entire youth
Do you wear a lot of black?
Did you ever bring a weapon to high school?
My bare hands...
Have you ever hugged a tree?
Do you know what a sphincter actually is?
Duh! I've worked for several...
Describe your hair?
Dirrty, dirrty blonde
Are you a wildbeast?
No. I'm a wildebeest
Do you like to have fun?
This quiz is superfruity
Do you like drama?
See answer above
Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Yes. And I hit the bong right back
Do you like mayonnaise?
Bring me the buttah
Are you afraid to die?
Right now, like, this minute? No
Do you like playing in leaves?
Can I smoke them?
Do you like lyme ticks?
They're delicious. When you roast them they have a nutty flavor
Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
I quit wetting the bed. Last night
Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
Right now? Yes
Are you an adult?
Ever won a spelling bee?
I won a pissing bee
Do you ever eat because you are depressed?
I eat for any reason at all. Precious, life-giving food
Are you a television addict?
What's a television?
Do you think OJ is guilty?
I'm waiting for him to find the real killer or killers
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Well, your mom seemed to like it when I was spending time with her last night
Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?
Yes. And it's not as fun as it sounds
On a swing?
Do you like Elvis?
Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery channel?
I enjoy watching your mom "do it" on the Discovery channel
Ever been hit on at a zoo?
Yeah, your mom really digs me
Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?
Only a partial stranger
Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?
Must have something to do with the tryptophan
Does your mom think someone is hot?
My mom likey-likey some Sam Elliot
Are you a sugar freak?
I'm sugar free
Ever been arrested?
Ever commit a crime and get away with it?
Being this funny has got to be illegal
Do you like orange juice?
It gives me heartburn
What sign are you?
Pisces. Smell the fish, baby
Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?
Sure, I like to watch their dentures fall out from laughing
Where do you wish you were right now?
Take me to my special place, take me to my special place, take me...
Did you enjoy this?
Your mom enjoyed this
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 1:07 AM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Esquire Magazine's 50 Reasons It's Good to Be an American Man (in no particular order)
Note: This was published in Esquire's June 2006 issue and is reprinted here without permission. Copyright, schmoppyright
50. Eight more Sopranos episodes
49. This formula: a Tuesday, the sizzling sun, cheap beer, bleacher seats
48. Because if you're an American man, you're not a British man
47. Because someday you could grow up to be Grand Exalted Ruler of a club called the Elks
46. Macaroni and cheese. And hot dogs
45. Yellow mustard
44. Corn Bread
43. ZZ Top. They're from Texas, and they're not from old money. In fact, they just got paid today, and it was all nickels and dimes. They sport beards that would be unacceptable to most biker mamas. They have consumed booze, drugs, topless dancers, pork ribs, and pecan pie with equal and unadulterated ferocity. And considering that they haven't made a decent album since 1983, it's somewhat remarkable that they're still around. But ZZ Top continues to define the aesthetics of unrepentant American maleness; this is the music of liars, fighters, and gamblers. ZZ Top is what you hear when there are thirteen people in the bar and twelve of them are men (and the thirteenth is a waitress and she’s been divorced three times). It's a straightforward equation: Billy Gibbons gets his ax in the pocket, everybody hunkers down with Camel straights, the world turns into chrome and leather, and thirty years of political correctness evaporates like spit. –Chuck Klosterman
42. The perfect cheeseburger
41. The never-ending quest to find the perfect barbecue joint
40. Batting cages and driving ranges. In the same spot
39. Tiffany's. Any schmuck with a credit card can walk in, buy the cheapest trinket in the store, have 'em wrap it up in that peacock-blue box with a satin bow, and melt any woman's heart.
38. NFL Sunday Ticket
37. The ever-changing standards of American beauty. While men elsewhere have fairly stagnant tastes, our ideal swings constantly from Kate Moss to J. Lo. This is good. It means American women have countless norms to pick from and ensures us of a truly eclectic buffet.
36. The surfeit of attractive actresses named Jennifer
35. That the Yankees haven't won the World Series in five seasons. And it ain't gonna happen this year, either
34. That concurrently Bob Dylan and Kanye West both, in some way, speak for you
33. The red-eye out of Vegas. At 3:00 p.m., you're poolside, trying to sweat out an ill-advised round of mojitos with three women from Nova Scotia. You haven't eaten since the night before, when you had a porterhouse at a place where they made the Caesar salad at your table. At 6:00, you get your bag from the bellman and wash up in the casino restroom. You still look good. At 8:00, you stand at the craps table, your bag at your feet, and make one last concerted effort to hit on your famous parley on the horn hi yo. At 9:45, after laying a quick five hundred on the Redskins, you grab a cab to the airport, where you drop a final hundred into the Wheel of Fortune slot machines as you tug on a Bloody Mary. At 11:56, you take your seat on the plane, and fifteen minutes later, every reading light goes out, every head tilts into a makeshift pillow. When you land, you debark bleary-eyed, crook-stepped. It's 5:58. In three hours you will be at work. –Tom Chiarella
32. The C-note
31. The rebirth of the steak house. Less burgundy, better meat
30. The duality of never buying a Jack LaLanne juicer but being happy that he is selling them
29. The smell of a box of baseballs
28. DVR for just seven dollars a month
27. Boy shorts on women
26. Wine in a box
25. Salad in a bag
24. Titanium is our mineral. Titanium drivers. Titanium bats. Titanium armor
23. When you think about it, our flag is still the coolest looking of any nation's. Except maybe Kiribati's
22. You can eat Krispy Kremes sautéed in trans fat at every meal for the next three months and still not be the fattest person at the state fair
21. You're never more than a car ride away from a decent public golf course
20. Low expectations
19. The Food Network's Giada De Laurentiis
18. One-hundred-eighty-minute happy hours
17. Three beach chili
16. Four-door trucks
15. Five-blade razors
14. The lyrics to Hank Williams Jr.'s "Texas Women:" I've got some fond memories of San Angelo / And I've seen some beauty queens in El Paso / But the best looking women that I've ever seen / Have all been in Texas and all wearing jeans
13. Baked beans at Durgin-Park. In Boston, of course
12. Tater Tots
11. Texas Pete hot sauce
10. Slow-pitch softball
9. Cheap cars with cojones. Like the Dodge Magnum, a wagon that'll do 130 miles per hour
8. The first four days of the NCAA tournament. Forty-eight games in eighty-four hours
7. The first eighteen minutes of Conan O'Brien
6. The Wonderbra
5. 3-in-One oil
4. Outlaw Country (channel 63) on Sirius. Self-description: "A sanctuary for the freaks, misfits, outcasts, rebels, and renegades of country music."
3. Redwood National Park in California. An atheist could find God here
2. Canadian import Emanuelle Chriqui
And Esquire Magazine's number one reason it's good to be an American man...
1. The original Tommy's burger. Not Tommies, mind you, that sorry mall-rat imitator of the real thing in L.A., but Tommy’s - the y indicating that the chili on top has been brewing in the same pot for fifty years, which may be why you find very few American women in the long line
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:31 AM
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Top Ten Rejected Defense Department Projects in Development for Iraq
10. A prayer rug that traps all pleas to Muhammed and e-mails them to Jesus
9. A cleric-seeking missile
8. An interrogation hood that exfoliates while it intimidates
7. A puppet government headed by King Friday and Prince Tuesday
6. A Vietnam metaphor with 10% less accuracy
5. An oil pipeline that liberates itself
4. A 24-hour Arab news network that only shows reruns of McHale's Navy
3. A suicide bomber vest that lifts and separates
2. Bradley Fighting Goat
And the number one rejected Defense Department project in development for Iraq...
1. The burkhini
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:36 AM