TOP TEN REJECTED JACK-O-LANTERNS

Top Ten Rejected Jack-o-lanterns

10.


9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one rejected Jack-o-lantern...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REASONS PETS HATE HALLOWEEN

Top Ten Reasons Pets Hate Halloween

10.


9.


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6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one reason pets hate Halloween...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/23/07)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REJECTED MUPPETS

Top Ten Rejected Muppets

10. Preachy Keen

9. Miss Ciggy

8. Manimal

7. Reeker

6. Fuzzy Beer

5. Fraggle Crack

4. Gunzo

3. Buffalo Wing

2. Noduh

And the number one rejected Muppet...

1. Kermit the Hog

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/07)

TOP TEN METRIC PERVERSIONS

I love me some forwarded e-mail spam...

Top Ten Metric Perversions

10. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

9. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

8. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

7. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

6. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

5. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

4. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

3. 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

2. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

And the number one metric perversion...

1. Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/07)

And the alternates...

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations:1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT CAESAR'S PALACE

Top Ten Projects in Development at Caesar's Palace

10. A showgirl with 2to1 odds

9. Drive-thrulette

8. A roasted peasant on the same plate as a steak: serf and turf

7. Blackjack table with a mortgage-payment minimum bet

6. Pimp Cocktail

5. Urinal-mounted hold 'em dealers

4. Downscale Mason Jar-tini

3. Hot poker chip massage

2. Loosest craps in town

And the number one project in development at Caesar's Palace...

1. Paris Hilton-themed slut machines

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/11/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED BIBLE ONE-LINERS

Top Ten Rejected Bible One-liners

10. Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless

9. Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds

8. Q: Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

7. Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet

6. Q: What kind of cars are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord

5. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down

4. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home

3. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once

2. Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing

And the number one rejected bible one-liner...

1. Q: Who was the first tennis player in the bible?
A: Joseph. He served in Pharaoh's court

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun

Q: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck

Q: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: In the Bible it says,"He-brews"

TOP TEN REJECTED HIGH-EMISSION VEHICLE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected High-Emission Vehicle Names

10. Volkswagen Fahrt

9. Hyundai Expel

8. Subaru Braaap

7. Chevy Gastro Van

6. Ford Flatus

5. Chevy Smel Aire

4. Acura Ejecta

3. Dodge Vapor

2. Geo Rectum

And the number one rejected high-emission vehicle name...

1. Mini Pooper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/08/04)

And the alternates...

Buick Rendez-poo
Cadillac DeSmelle
Mercedes Movement
Chevy Tail Blazer
Chrysler Seeping
PU Cruiser
Cadillac Asscalade
Plymouth Gentle Breeze
Geo Spasm
Toyota Puttputt
Citroen Void
Opel Oder
Saturn Silent-but-deadly
BMW Bowel
Ford Funk
Scion Scat
Pontiac Pucker
Toyota Turtle Head
Buick Burp
Isuzu Pooper
Hummer Bumair
Ford Musty
Dodge Doo-rango
Dodge Grand Contraction
Ford Expulsion
GMC Yuckon
Honda Emanate
Hyundai Ass-scent
Mitsubishi Emit
Aston Farten

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW JOB

Top Ten Signs You Need a New Job

10. You can't look at your boss without envisioning crosshairs on her forehead. And you are self-employed.

9. After taxes your last paycheck was negative. You actually owed them $46.73.

8. The third girl from your department is out on family leave this week. Not only are you going to have to pick up all of the slack, those three child support payments are going to hurt.

7. If your wages get any more garnished, they'll be an entrée.

6. They page you over the intercom as "Mr. Goat. Mr. Scape Goat."

5. You are running out of orifices to hide the heroin.

4. Your supervisor gently reminds you, "These detainees aren't going to sexually humiliate themselves."

3. Your benefits include unlimited time on the heart-lung machine.

2. They've replaced the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you need a new job...

1. Your embezzlement only brings in a few extra dollars now that the company is on the brink of bankruptcy.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/04)

And the alternates...
Your cube-mate just learned how to fly a plane, but not how to land.
Arthur Miller wrote a play about you.
You can't get any sleep with all that manufacturing going on.
A meeting with your boss costs $25.00, same as downtown.
The medical board no longer recognizes your residency under Dr. Mengele.
You hate the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Your wife makes more money than you and she's dead.
You are up for re-election.
You were originally appointed by Nixon.