Top Ten New Words
10. SALAD DODGER: an overweight person
9. TESTICULATING: waving your arms around and talking sports
8. BLAMESTORMING: sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
7. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business"
6. SEAGULL MANAGER: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
5. SINBAD: single working girls; i.e. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate
4. 404: someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested information is not there
3. AUSSIE KISS: similar to a French kiss, but given down under
2. MYSTERY BUS: the bus that arrives at the bar on Friday night while you are in the toilet after your tenth beer, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the place is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in
And the number one new word...
1. ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year
And the alternates...
MILLENNIUM DOMES: the contents of a Wonderbra; i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there is actually nothing in there worth seeing
MYSTERY TAXI: the taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: the invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am
BEER COMPASS: the invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from
SWAMP-DONKEY: a deeply unattractive person
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Top Ten New Words
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
This one is a bit of a repeat, but I still find it funny...
Top Ten Answers to "Why Did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?"
10. COALITION PROVISIONAL AUTHORITY - The fact that the chicken crossed the road shows that decision-making authority has switched to the chicken in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on, the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
9. HALLIBURTON - We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost $326,004.00.
8. U.S. ARMY MILITARY POLICE - We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken-rights violations.
7. PESHMERGA - The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in the future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck and will wear a plastic bill.
6. AL-JAZEERA - The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
5. CIA - We cannot confirm or deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
4. TRANSLATORS - Chicken she cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
3. ANDERSON COOPER FROM CNN - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
2. HILLARY CLINTON - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
And the number one answer to "why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?..."
1. GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:18 PM
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The beautiful (and atomic) Bombshell tagged me to complete a twenty-item questionnaire designed to help reflect on last year and plan ahead for this one. The hitch: Toss one question and replace it with your own, then tag a handful of friends to participate. I am tagging the San Diego Chargers.
1. At what age do you wish to marry? Ninety-five. At that age there are four women for every man. I'll have my pick of the GGILFs.
2. Which "Saved by the Bell" character are you? Mr. Belding.
3. Where is the place that you want to go the most? Narnia, a dream world of magic.
4. Which part of you do you hate the most? It's hard being this funny.
5. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do? Heroin.
6. What are you afraid to lose the most? The piece of gum chewed by Britney that I bought on Ebay.
7. If you win $1 million, what would you do? A whole pack of Britney gum in all the flavors of the rainbow! Hoo-ah! Yeah.
8. What's your wish for the year ahead? Two words: President Federline
9. How did you celebrate the New Year? Partied like it was 1999.
10. Why did you start blogging and why will you continue to do so in 2008? I blog, therefore I am.
11. Which type of person do you hate the most? Meme stealers, ironic listers, and lazy punsters.
12. What is your ambition? Madonna's Blond
13. If you had one wish what would you wish for? Hello? More wishes. Duh!
14. Name a body part your significant other tells you she adores: My isles of Langerhans.
15. What is the best gift you can give someone this year? Spice rack.
16. List two of your New Year's resolutions: 1. Finally master the theremin. 2. Boob job.
17. A picture that pretty much sums 2007 for you: Click here.
18. What are two things you were most thankful for in 2007 that will make you even happier in 2008? Parole and Hot Pockets
19. What was the best lesson you learned in 2007? Never ever take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
20. Are you doing what you thought you'd be doing at this stage in your life? I really thought I'd be doing Jennifer Aniston by now. But it's enough to hide in her bushes once in awhile...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:55 AM
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Top Ten Things This Guy Is Saying on His Cell Phone
10. Do these neon fishnets make me look ridiculous?
9. My gumballs itch
8. Meet you in the lobby, Senator
7. Hey little kid, I have candy
6. You should see where the Hershey's comes out
5. Someone just put a quarter in my slot
4. Next year I want a low carb costume
3. Sorbitol, gum base, soy lecithin, SPF 45
2. Dad, why do you always call me a candy ass?
And the number one thing this guy is saying on his cell phone...
1. I went in for a gastric bypass and came out with huge pom poms
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:45 AM
Monday, January 14, 2008
Today's post was stolen wholesale from 15 Minute Lunch.
Top Ten Items in the 1977 JC Penney Catalog that I am Not Making Up
10. My new dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels.
9. Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom...
8. Here is how to get your ass kicked in elementary school.
7. Here is how to get your ass kicked in high school.
6. How to get your ass kicked on the golf course.
This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it is slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rape.
If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he does not, although you can tell just by looking at them that it has happened - or if it has not happened it will. Oh yes, it will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.
If you wear this suit and do not sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you would be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.
Dear god in heaven, I do not believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you are working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
2. In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
As does your search for chest hair.
And the number one item in the 1977 JC Penney catalog that I am not making up...
I am guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
And the alternates...
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I am guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits.
Man, that is sexy.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 2:21 PM
Friday, January 11, 2008
Top Ten Rejected Muppet Movies
10. The Rainbow French Connection
9. Miss Piggy Sue Got Married
8. The Great Muppet Raper
7. My Dinner with Yoda
6. The Sound of Muppets
5. Breakin' Muppets II: Electric Mayhem Boogaloo
4. A-muppican Pie
3. Das Kermit
2. An Inconvenient Dr. Tooth
And the number one rejected Muppet movie...
1. Muppets vs Predator
And the alternates...
A Nightmare on Sesame Street
Statler and Waldorf's Bogus Journey
Gonzo, Baby, Gonzo
Bad News Fozzie Bears
Wild at Hog
Janice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
It's a Big Big Big Big Bird
Stop or My Mom Will Zoot
The Cook, the Swedish Chef, His Wife, and Her Lover
Give My Beauregards to Broadway
Sam the Iron Eagle II
Night of the Living Muppets
Leave it to Beaker
Bert and Earnest Goes to Camp
Texas Chainsaw Muppecre
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:06 PM
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Top Ten Al Qaeda Bowling Team Names
10. Holy Bowlers
9. Osama Pin Laden
8. Axis of Bowl W-Evil
7. Spare-it of Islam
6. 72 Frames in Heaven
5. Death to Israel Except on Wednesday Nights
4. 9-11 Split
3. Pull the Pins
2. Ayatollahs of Rockin' Bowlers
And the number one Al Qaeda bowling team name...
1. Nuclear Bowlacaust
And the alternates...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:53 AM
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Top Ten Signs You are in Love According to Pop Culture
10. You are cuckoo for his Cocoa Puffs
9. You can't handle her jelly
8. You like your chocolate in his peanut butter
7. She puts your boy on rock, rock
6. He always asks for a second cup of your coffee at home
5. You sing the body electric, the armies of those you love engirth you and you engirth them
4. He makes your brown eyes blue
3. You can stand under her umbrella
2. You can't fight this feeling anymore. You've forgotten what you started fighting for.
And the number one sign you are in love according to pop culture...
1. Her milkshake always brings you to the yard
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:51 AM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Top Ten Lessons on Professor Rohrblogger's Class Syllabus
10. Listory: History of the List
9. Throw-away Line Myths
8. Recycling Crusty Madonna Gags into Paris Hilton Tags
7. Stealing from Carlos Mencia
6. Stretching One Thin Premise into Ten Punch Lines
5. Inappropriate Innuendo
3. Bad Puns
2. Replacing a Joke with Folger's Crystals
And the number one lesson on Professor Rohrblogger's class syllabus...
1. Blogging Your Way to Productivity Collapse
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:28 AM