Bad Break Up Deux
Dear Wells Fargo Bank,
You've known this was coming before I did. We've had a good, long run: 28 years.
I was eleven when my mother brought me down to open a savings account with you. What made you so attractive is that you are everywhere. Just like a bad girl, you get around. Every street corner, grocery store, and shopping mall.
It hasn't all been deposits and sunshine. I'm a lazy, lazy man and switching banks is a pain in my lazy, lazy derrière. So I put up with your crazy fees, refusal to return my checks, incessant charges to talk with a teller, and endless hold times. Because, hey, after 28 years I think I can still make this work.
The end came when I had to deposit a check. That's all. I wanted to GIVE YOU MONEY. A lot of it, because I was MAKING A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOME. Since you charge me to go to a teller, I went to one of your automated teller machines, like I have done thousands of times.
Los Angeles has the highest level of fraud with the possible exception of Wall Street. We are, after all, a Pacific Rim border town. So I wasn't surprised when you returned my check with a request to go in-person to deposit it with a teller. So far you are being picky, but reasonable. And besides, I've missed our face-to-face time.
Here's the problem though, Wells. What can I do if the TELLER refuses my deposit? She looked at my check like I just handed her a dead rat. She called for a supervisor who scowled and said she was going to put a "90-day hold" on the check, "send it to collections," and charge me a "$150.00 fee for processing" it. I am not making this up.
So I call your phone center and tell them what happened. I ask if I can deposit the check over the phone. The nice supervisor at the call center stated, because of the amount, I would have to deposit it in-person at a branch. When I gently informed her that the branch manager was going to charge me $150.00 and a 90-day hold for GIVING YOU MONEY she stated it was the "manager's discretion" whether or not to take a deposit. Fair enough. So, how can I deposit this?
I was told I can drive around from branch to branch attempting to deposit my check but there are no guarantees that any branch will take it. I am not making this up.
Look, Wells, I am not a criminal. But I don't expect you to take my word for it. I expect you to look at the bank account I've had with you forever. You know where I live, you know where I work, YOU'VE EXTENDED ME LINES OF CREDIT FAR BEYOND THE DEPOSIT I WAS MAKING.
So why are you treating me like a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?
Speaking of working (a concept you are apparently not familiar with) I have a day job. I can't be driving from branch to branch in the hopes that one of your managers will decide to kiss me first.
So it's not me, it's you.
Look Wells, you're huge now. Huge, bloated, no longer relevant. You are Orson Wells Fargo. And like Orson Welles your best work came early and then degenerated into magnificent ambiguity. The Magnificent Ambiguities. With a higher churn rate than an Amish dairy.
I went to one of the smallest banks there is and they immediately opened a checking account for me that EARNS INTEREST and cashed my large check. Apparently small banks like large deposits. From strangers who just walked in. Sure they only have one location, but they like me for who I am. A non-fraud committing customer who gives them money.
So I'll see you around on the street corner, the grocery store and the shopping mall. But I won't see you at the bank.
For once smaller is better. Good luck with the bail outs...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Bad Break Up Deux
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Top Ten Paul Newman Quotes
10. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
9. People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.
8. Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
7. I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.
6. To be an actor you have to be a child
5. If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.
4. Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down.
Newman's second law: Just when things look darkest, they go black.
3. [Getting the truth in the New York Post has been as] difficult as finding a good hamburger in Albania.
2. We lost the gearbox and I started sliding around out there. I was having a good time up until that point.
And the number one Paul Newman quote...
1. The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:53 AM
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Top Ten Rejected Drugs
10. Hairy Speedball
9. Strawberry Heroin
7. Preparation Itch
6. Angel Rust
5. Malibu Barbiturates
4. Floor Bait
3. Tragic Mushrooms
2. Folger's Crystal Meth
And the number one rejected drug...
1. Liquid Panty Remover
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:08 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Top Ten Phrases in My Quarterly Review
And the number one phrase in my quarterly review...
And the alternates...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 10:31 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Top Ten Lines that Sound Dirty in Star Wars but Aren't
10. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
9. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
8. Look at the size of that thing!
7. Sorry about the mess...
6. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
5. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?
4. You've got something jammed in here real good.
3. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
2. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
And the number one line that sounds dirty in Star Wars but isn't...
1. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!
And the alternates...
You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Get on top of it!
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 1:24 PM
Monday, September 15, 2008
Top Ten Signs Your Novel will not Win a PEN/Faulkner Award
10. Your theme: Bitch better have my money
9. Your plot: Man vs Cake
8. Main character: Perry Hotter
7. Wrote two beginnings and a middle, but no end
6. You follow a maverick policeman who easily avenges his partner's murder with careful investigation and proper case handling
5. Published exclusively on Bazooka gum wrappers
4. Final chapter concludes with a plea for all mankind to embrace penis enlargement
3. Chapter one: "Rollin' in my five-point-oh." Chapter two: "Got my ragtop down so my hair can blow."
2. You illustrate man's inhumanity to Aimee Mann
And the number one sign your novel will not win a PEN/Faulkner Award...
1. You submit ten single-line synopses and not one is funny
And the alternates...
You craft a sequel to Genesis
It's the fictionalized memoir of a Nigerian Internet banker
You attempt to explain how Stella got her back groove
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:52 PM
Friday, September 12, 2008
Top Ten Sarah Palin Pet Peeves
10. Public private jets
7. Full household uteri that aren't hers
6. Community organizers
5. Live moose
4. Being called a VPILF
3. Presidential nominees younger than 70
2. Her resemblance to Caribou Barbie
And the number one Sarah Palin pet peeve...
1. Vice presidents who don't kill on the first shot
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 3:20 AM
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Top Ten Sarah Palin Turn-ons
10. Pro-life hunters
9. Hockey proms
8. State troopers who resign
7. Shotgun weddings
6. Presidential nominees knocking on Heaven's door
5. Mooseburger Helper
4. Sweet Inuit nothings whispered in her TelePrompTer
3. Former P.O.W.s
2. The naughty feeling of secretly wearing a full set of thermal underwear beneath a smart pantsuit
And the number one Sarah Palin turn-on...
1. Pit bulls who wear lipstick
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:27 PM
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time Redux
Awhile back I published this list and it has remained VERY popular. I get 20 to 30 hits a day just for this post. So...I am doing what every media outlet does when they have a hit, I am reissuing it over and over. This time with my snarky remarks...
Um, you know you have a problem when the MEN in your family are better looking than the women.
Wally? She doesn't care. At least, she didn't care last night when we were listening to MY album.
I don't know if this is supposed to appeal to men or women, but I do know this: he wouldn't know what to do with either of them.
Why do the sweaters have scoop necks if the shirts don't have open collars? And is your church held in a barn? Cuz that would be cool.
Was the studio out of razors? Why are three of these guys smiling? What's going on under there? Wait, I don't want to know.
You laugh, but I love her. She will be mine. Oh, yes. She. Will. Be. Mine.
If I was making an album about the loss of every single one of my friends, I would want it put out by the "Rainbow" record company, too. Nobody knows loss and death like those Rainbow guys.
Ah, Ken, I actually like your suit. But I have a request: can the Broyhill carpet guy that installed your shag be shot?
Where to start, Dave? The unfortunate placement of the word "Zap?" The fact that your master has lashed you to a turntable? Your juicy mullet? You know, leather pants are a privilege, Dave, not a right. And Michael Jackson called, he wants his shirt back.
And the number one worst album cover of all time...
It's hard to be more gay than the Village People, and they were TRYING to be gay. And your song "All Men Play on 10?" Well your absolute gayness goes to 11.
And the alternates...
So many completely inappropriate jokes, so little bandwidth. Insert your own threesome, hot Braille-on-Braille action, or Bouffant-fetish gag here.
You're God's child? Because you look like a carbon-copy of the nimrod standing next to you.
I thought Joyce (above) had a lock on the rose-and-bad-eyewear look. And "Heino" is the sound I involuntarily make when I look at you.
Looks like one of these Crusaders invaded the drive-thru at Taco Bell. He worships the Burger King of Kings.
Well, Jim, you LOOK like you love your life.
The miracle isn't that she can still play the organ with no hands, it's that she can do it while looped on ecstasy. I don't know how I would handle it, though. I have to play my organ by hand every night.
You know who I feel for? The guy on the right. He's obviously gained ten pounds, and a second chin, since the suit fitting. And he can't hide his extreme sexiness behind glasses like the Clark Kents on the left. It's gotta suck to not fit in the spiritual daisy chain once the touching starts...
This guy is obviously a serial killer. You can see the lumpy bodies stacked up four-deep and covered in hay behind him. But with all the money to be cadged from dead-people's wallets, you'd think he could get some dental work done...
Look, I don't know if you are a cop or a robber, but you might want to LOAD THAT THING before you threaten me with it (or your jazz themes.) 'Nuff said.
Whatever John is saying, it took him half a beer and cigarette to work up the courage. My only request for Julie is: show me on the doll where John touched you.
You're welcome, Mike. You're welcome.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:37 PM
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Top Ten Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
10. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
9. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
8. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
7. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
5. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
4. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
5. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
4. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
3. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
2. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
And the number one Jerry Seinfeld quote...
1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
And the alternates...
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
The IRS are like the mafia! They can take anything they want!
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:48 AM