TOP TEN SWINE FLU SYMPTOMS

Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms

10. Bacon tastes "funny"

9. Boyfriend demands you wallow

8. You respond to the question, "Can pigs fly?" with, "No, swine flu."

7. Prefer your flu shot honey-baked

6. You are no longer kosher

5. Litter of eight children no longer seems unusual (Octomom only)

4. Snout constantly dripping

3. Bird flu seams, like, so 2003

2. Sam I Am will not eat green eggs and you

And the number one swine flu symptom...

1. Aching, fever, coughing, and CNN cameras in your bed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/30/09)

TOP TEN APPROVED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES

Top Ten Approved Interrogation Techniques

10. Forced watching of Two and Half Men

9. Waiting in line at the DMV for up to 24 hours

8. Roseanne Boarding

7. Put on hold indefinitely

6. Shot in the face by Dick Cheney

4. Pizza arrives in less than thirty minutes, but the crazy bread has the wrong dipping sauce

3. Locked in a box with Danny Bonaduce

2. Mock job interview

And the number one approved interrogation technique...

1. Explaining just where the hell you have been for the last three years! We were worried sick about you!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/27/09)

TOP TEN SOMALI PIRATE EXCUSES

Top Ten Somali Pirate Excuses

10. Thought they were holding the Captain & Tennille

9. Needed 100 metric tons of plastic souvenirs and Chinese knockoff watches

8. Really like boats

7. Wanted to meet Johnny Depp

6. Heard they could club the Navy SEALs and take their fur

5. Was told there would be rum

4. Celebrating Angelina Jolie's latest pregnancy

3. Going to Surf City just to have some fun

2. Merely replacing the fine shipping normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices

And the number one Somali pirate excuse...

1. Was hoping to inspire the sequel "Black Hawk Downer"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/20/09)

TOP TEN SHAKESPEAREAN PORN MOVIES

Top Ten Shakespearean Porn Movies

10. A Midsummer Nights Cream

9. King Leer

8. As You Lick It

7. Two Gentlemen in Verona

6. Handle It

5. Twelfth Night

4. Love's Labours Long

3. Taming of the Screw

2. Winter's Tail

And the number one Shakespearean porn movie...

1. Romeo and Juliet and Antony and Cleopatra

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/17/09)

And the alternates...

Comedy of Rears
Titus Androgynous
Merchant of Fine Ass
Henry the Eight Inches
Testicles and Fellatio
Masturbeth
All's Well that Ends Happy

TOP TEN REJECTED STAR TREK CHARACTERS

Top Ten Rejected Star Trek Characters

10. Madeline Khan Noonien Singh

9. Snotty

8. Spock Remover

7. Uwhora

6. P'lot Com P'lication

5. Ensign Expendable

4. Sequela

3. Ertha Ling

2. Chekov Thelist

And the number one rejected Star Trek character...

1. Captain Jerk

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/14/09)

And the alternates...

Fisherman's Worf
Helen of Troi
Bjorn Borg
Seven of Pi
Captain Han Sulu

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR GATED COMMUNITIES

Top Ten Least Popular Gated Communities

10. The Twin Oaks at Rancid Rivers Pointe Landfill

9. The Manors of the Falls of the Landings of the Creeks of the Hunters Run at Michael Bay

8. The Estates at Hickory Dickory Docks

7. Oppressive Home Owner's Association at Huntington Cheshire Oxford Manchester Wood on the Green

6. Shady Acres at Cemetery Avalanche Ridge

5. Westgate Eastlawn Mobile Estates at Floodplain Tornado Valley Prison Farms

4. Waiting to Die at Leisure World Condo-Closet Homes

3. Southside Crack Dens at Ghetto Grove

2. Long Walk at Short Pier

And the number one least popular gated community...

1. Superfund Clearcut Stripmine Promenade at Stranded Random Toxic Density Overload Radioactive Mute Place

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/11/09)

And the alternates...

The Police Lines at Homicide Hills Morgue Links
The Parking Lots at Three-Hour Commute Lanes
The Grassy Knolls at Assassins Plaza
The Three Mile Islands at Peninsula Foothills Isthmus Volcano

TOP TEN REJECTED MILITARY OPERATION CODE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Military Operation Code Names

10. Operation Sissy Pants

9. Rogue Clown

8. Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

7. Valkyrie Kilmer

6. Pouty Puss

5. Vanilla Fury

4. Flaming Lips

3. Tickle the Enemy

2. Wax On, Wax Off

And the number one rejected military operation code name...

1. Sassy Scarf

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/8/09)

And the alternates...

Guns n' Roses. Well, Mostly Guns with Just a Few Roses.
Female Objectification
Lightning Snail
Shock and Ball
Market Garden Tool
Special OPP, Yeah You Know Me
Beer Run

BOURBON COWBOY MAKES MCSWEENEY'S

My buddy Dave over at Bourbon Cowboy got a hilarious list published in McSweeney's: Unpopular Mardi Gras Shouts

Here are my absolute faves:

"Show me your bra, as long as it's somewhat modest!"

"Adjust your pants slightly!"

"Take off your wimple!"

"Flash me in such an oblique way that I can still post the pics on Facebook!"

"Thank you for your drunken generosity!"

It's a great premise and a flawless execution. I would have also accepted:

You put the fat in Fat Tuesday!

Show me your bro!

and

Put it back on! Put it back on!

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN REJECTED PUSSY CAT DOLL STAGE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Pussy Cat Doll Stage Names

10. Mercedes Porsche

9. Chlamydia

8. Sylvia Plath

7. Cheyenne Laramie

6. Clementine

5. Rihanna Montana

4. Octomom

3. Ikhyd Kal-el

2. Butch Diesel

And the number one rejected Pussy Cat Doll stage name...

1. Oprah Gayle

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/2/09)