TOP TEN LESSONS I LEARNED IN 2009

Today's premise was stolen from Brandy over at It's like, I'm...mmmagic!

Top Ten Lessons I Learned in 2009

10. Gum will not remove the taste of gasoline

9. A breathalyzer is the second worse thing that can be put in your mouth

8. Flowers will only shut a girl up if the argument is already over

7. Never give a kid a whistle and tell him not to blow it

6. Hypnosis is voluntary

5. I can make my boss cry. At work.

4. The idea of riding a Harley-Davidson is way better than the reality

3. Leather pants are a privilege, not a right

2. Folgers Crystals and tequila don't mix

And the number one lesson I learned in 2009...

1. Never, ever take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/09)

I PREDICT THANKS FOR JACK

Future shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for writing up my Top Ten Predictions for 2010 list and posting a link!

Jack likes the political humor, so I predict a year of federal and state-level hijinks for Jack's giggling pleasure. Palin/Johnston 2012!

-Rohrblogger

JASON ROHBLOGGER'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2010

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Predictions for 2010

10. Jim Bob Duggar will finally figure out how to use a condom

9. OJ Simpson will successfully break out of jail, and before being apprehended, will manage to star in another Hertz commercial

8. Jesse Jackson's love child will ghostwrite John Edwards' love child's tell-all memoir

7. Lindsey Lohan will once again become America's sweetheart with her youthful charm and childlike innocence

6. One lost weekend in Vegas, Larry King will divorce and remarry again

5. Liz Taylor will retire

4. Elin Woods will start dating Annika Sörenstam

3. Michael Jackson will be spotted alive, with his ex-father-in-law Elvis, in a Tallahassee Stuckey's

2. Sarah Palin will become the first victim of Barack Obama's first death panel

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one prediction for 2010...

1. I will finally have to stoop to writing recycled, hackneyed, pop-culture references

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/27/09)

And the alternates...

Ann Coulter will finally find Mr. Far Right

David Letterman will enter rehab for his addiction to disco biscuits

Dick Cheney will preemptively invade a 4:30 buffet

Octomom, Balloon Boy, Jon and Kate, and Spencer Pratt will entertain us with their endless talent and original material

Jesus will return

George W. Bush-era nostalgia will reign as folks remember the Good Times when you used to could mortgage your house to put gas in your Hummer. Now we are all just living in our cars.

Osama bin Laden will turn up living in a San Francisco free-love commune

TOP TEN WAYS SANTA CLAUS IS CUTTING BACK IN THIS ECONOMY

Top Ten Ways Santa Claus is Cutting Back in this Economy

10. Purina Reindeer Chow 10% sawdustier

9. Naughty List digitized and posted on Facebook

8. Belly now shakes like a bowlful of ramen

7. Blitzen given up to Madonna for adoption

6. Valuable lump of coal replaced with Enron stock certificate

5. Reindeer/electric hybrid sleigh

4. Off-season condo in Florida timeshared with Hanukkah Harry, Ramadan Rashid, and Kwanzaa Kenny

3. All requests for specific toys outsourced to a call center in India

2. Workshop in northclosure

And the number one way Santa Claus is cutting back in this economy...

1. Only sending 30,000 more troops to Elfghanistan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/1/09)

And the alternates...

Mrs. Claus trying to extort money from David Letterman
Had to sell his membership in The Hair Club for Men
Half of the deliveries subcontracted out to Balloon Boy
Forced to become Spokesanta for Jenny Craig
Only wrapping every other gift
Completely skipping Billy Roger's house of Colton, Ohio
Octomom only left with seven gifts

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

Top Ten Worst Christmas Album Covers of All Time

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

And the number one worst Christmas album cover of all time...

1.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/21/09)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REJECTED BEERS

Top Ten Rejected Beers

10. Hugh Hefeweizen

9. Dr. Bock

8. Fail Ale

7. Birth Control Pilsner

6. Malt Disney

5. Captain's Lager

4. Coal Porter

3. Sour Kraut Stout

2. Margaret Mead

And the number one rejected beer...

1. Beers for Fears

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/18/09)

And the alternates...

Barley-Davidson
Yeast Injection
David Hasselhops

TOP TEN TASTELESS TIGER WOODS JOKES

Top Ten Tasteless Tiger Woods Jokes

10. Q: What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

9. Tiger may be a playboy, but his wife was out clubbing on Thanksgiving

8. Why did Tiger decide to redo Elin's prenuptial agreement? She told him about her new recipe for Swedish meatballs.

8. Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Lion Cheetah?

7. The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a five."

6. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball four-hundred yards.

5. What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Swede.

4. Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

3. Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

2. Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

And the number one tasteless Tiger Woods joke...

1. Tiger Woods won't be playing any more tournaments this year. However, I'm sure he will get in some holes here and there.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/09)

And the alternates...

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa always stops after three hos

Tiger drives an Escalade, so couldn't he blame the accident on his Caddy?

Elin asked her marriage counselor why, next time, she should go after Tiger with a nine-iron instead of the three-iron she used the morning after Thanksgiving?
The counselor advised, "Because, now you're closer to the green.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Should have used a driver, though.

Gatorade dropped their Tiger Woods sports drink. Because it would be rude to ask, "Is it in you?"

What's the difference between Tiger's pal Rachel Uchitel and Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed's hair was naturally blond, and he could talk.

Tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble?
A: Intercourse.

Q. What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
A. Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Someone should explain to Tiger's wife that hitting a driver meant the club, not the guy in the front seat. Imagine what will happen the next time he asks his wife to do some ironing.

When asked when he would be doing Oprah, Tiger stated, "She's not my type."

Tiger can't seem to control his wood.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf, to concentrate on his first love: adultery.

TOP TEN TINKERBELL PET PEEVES

Top Ten Tinkerbell Pet Peeves

10. That bitch, Wendy

9. Captain Hook has a thing for young boys and never notices when you get a new haircut

8. Heiresses who name their Chihuahuas after you

7. Disney lawyers crawl all over you if you even think of doing regional theater in the off-season

6. No decent Thai food in Never Never Land

5. Lost Boys with slingshots

4. Carpal wand

3. Smee's wandering hands

2. Mosquito nets

And the number one Tinkerbell pet peeve...

1. Pixie lung from breathing all of that pixie dust

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/12/09)

ADULT MOVIE OR PRINCE SONG?

Adult Movie or Prince Song?

10. "Dirty Mind"

9. "Cream"

8. "Do Me Baby"

7. "Gett Off"

6. "Soft and Wet"

5. "Head"

4. "I Wanna Be Your Lover"

3. "Nasty Girl"

2. "Insatiable"

And the number one adult movie or Prince song...

1. "The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/9/09)

And the alternates...

"Orgasm"
"Sexy M.F."
"I'm Yours"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"My Love Is Forever"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"
"I'm Yours"
"In Love"
"Kiss"
"Adore"

*They are all Prince songs...

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

I originally got this post from Dave over at Blogography who got it from Finn over at A Life Less Ordinary who got it from Vanity Fair. I am going to answer the original Vanity Fair questions because I'm so vain, I probably think this fair is about me...

Proust Questionnaire

What is your most marked characteristic?
My dragon tattoo with the head of Roger Ebert and the body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a man?
The body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The head of Roger Ebert

What do you most value in your friends?
Lending money

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sometimes my sexiness is so extreme, it causes the earth to spin backwards

What is your favorite occupation?
Assistant Ponzi schemer

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and internet access

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Abu Grhantánamo Bay

In which country would you like to live?
Nigeria. All of their banks need my help.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jenn, Heather, Jack, Bombshell, Carrie, and David

Who are your favorite poets?
Lim Erick. And that guy from Nantucket is talented!

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatz

Who is your favorite heroine of fiction?
Debbie from Dallas

Who are your favorite composers?
Hendrix, Zeppelin, Crüe

Who are your favorite painters?
Baer, Safecoat, Sherwin-Williams

What are your favorite names?
Jason, Astrid, Aloysius, Rumer, Apple, Spandau

What is it that you most dislike?
Honesty, competence, beauty

Which talent would you most like to have?
Ability to lick my own eyebrows

How would you like to die?
In an alcoholic stupor smothered under Jennifer Aniston's poodle and a thirty-pound bacon double cheeseburger (extra pickles)

What is your current state of mind?
Fuzzy. What's your point?

What is your motto?
No army has ever won a war on two fronts in Asia, so don't even try

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/09)