Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Top Ten Items in Jason's Survival Kit

10. A bible

9. A gun

8. A hollowed-out bible with a gun in it

7. Emergency banana

6. Three-days supply of water

5. Year's supply of Viagra

4. Extra SPAM, backup can of Vienna sausages

3. DVD of "The Negotiator"

2. Belgian-to-English dictionary

And the number one item in Jason's survival kit...

1. Midol

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Phonetic alphabet
Extra lottery tickets
L.L. Bean catalog
List of nearest relatives not living with him
Hidden cache of 80's porn
Prescription for Proactiv
Surplus semaphore flags
Military-grade tuxedo, corsage, and Camaro
Norse code
Mother's recipe for kicking ass and taking names
Cyanide capsule and bottle of '53 Dom PĂ©rignon

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Top Ten Rejected Soda Flavors

10. Coke Heavy

9. Pepsi Max Headroom

8. Sierra Mr. Mister

7. Dr. Salt

6. Chemical Syrup

5. Goatse with Lime

4. Sour Crush and Onion

3. Gumbo

2. Coca-Cogurt

And the number one rejected soda flavor...

1. Welch's Date Grape

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

7-UP H20
T&A&W Boot Rear
Two Girls One Crush
Coke Zero Point One
Mountain Bleu Cheese

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Why would ordering breakfast free Mr. Simpson?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, September 21, 2009


Top Ten Rejected Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Behaviors

10. Eat the whole bag of Oreos. Three times.

9. Beat every yellow light

8. Count your blessings

7. Rent Bad Boys II each time

6. Say four Our Fathers and four Hail Marys

5. Get in the ten-items-or-less line with nine items

4. Watch Oprah

3. Run exactly five minutes late

2. Always double down on eleven

And the number one rejected OCD behavior...

1. Write all of your blog posts with precisely ten items

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, September 18, 2009


Top Ten Surprises in the New Health Care Bill

10. Third bypass is free

9. Death Panels will meet on Thursdays at midnight during a full moon

8. Only drugs covered are the pills you can pry from Rush Limbaugh's cold, dead fingers

7. Mammogram sponsored by Victoria's Secret

6. $25,000 hammer? $40,000 toilet seat? Say hello to the $50,000 lolly pop.

5. All second opinions by Dr. Laura

4. Tongue depressors taste suspiciously like Popsicle

3. Before you light a cigarette, Dick Cheney will preemptively invade your lungs

2. Prostate exam is five bucks, same as downtown

And the number one surprise in the new health care bill...

1. Nursing homes now feature all-you-can eat Jell-O

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Top Ten Rejected Movie Prequels

10. Ten Leagues Under the Sea

9. The Cook, The Thief, His Girlfriend and her Acquaintance

8. The Mediocre News Bears

7. Apollo 12

6. Getting There

5. Debbie Does Lubbock

4. The Cider House Suggestions

3. The City According to Garp

2. Immigrant Kane

And the number one rejected movie prequel...

1. Two Men and a Zygote

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Disagreement Club
11 Angry Men
The Chatter of the Lambs
American History W
To Threaten a Mockingbird
A Few Things About Eve
Chanting in the Rain
Nobody Likes it Hot
The Okay Escape
The Green Yard
Near the Waterfront
No County for Old Men
Luke Warm Hand Luke
(499) Days of Summer
The Muggle of Oz
Hurt Bill
The Fifth Sense
There May Be Blood
Thousand Dollar Baby
The Mild Bunch
11 Monkeys

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Top Ten Things that Are Supposed to Feel Good (but Don't)

10. Yoga

9. Thanksgiving dinner

8. Psychotherapy

7. Deep tissue massage

6. Running

5. Hammocks

4. Gambling

3. Fake breasts

2. Meditation

And the number one thing that is supposed to feel good (but doesn't)...

1. Giving money to a homeless person

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


Dear Preachy Neighbor,

In what has to be the most popular verse of the New Testament, John 3:16, all you have to do to receive salvation is believe in Jesus:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

That's it. That ALL you have to do: "Believeth in Him." Notice what that verse DOESN'T say. I doesn't say you have to read the Bible, it doesn't say you have to go to church, or tithe, or listen to Amy Grant. Also, you don't have to KNOW anything special: no secret handshake, no language like Aramaic, you don't even have to know the bible verse John 3:16.

In fact, when Jesus is on the cross in Luke 23:39-43 one of the thieves being crucified with Him asks Jesus to remember him in Heaven. Okay, according to the rules (and Jesus), that thief is saved. Notice that the thief has not read the Bible. He has not read the New Testament because it does not even exist yet. The first Gospel won't be written for another 60-90 years. But he is going to Heaven. (Side note for judgmental ignoramuses: If Bernie Madoff, the biggest thief in history, accepts Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, he gets to go to Heaven. Seriously. Please also note that he does not go to church.)

So, I said all of that to say this: it's one thing to go around telling people they need to believe in Jesus. That's what you are supposed to do for salvation. It's ANOTHER THING to go around telling people they need to "live life by the Bible" and/or go to church.

My general point is this: if you want to go around telling people that they "need" or "should" read the Bible or live their life by the what the Bible says, then YOU NEED TO HAVE READ IT YOURSELF. My specific point is this: you not only need to have read it, you need to have a basic understanding of WHAT YOU HAVE READ.

Do you even know the difference between the Synoptic Gospels and John? Do you know the difference between a Gospel and an epistle? Are you aware that Paul is an apostle, but not a disciple of Jesus? That's right: Paul never met Jesus. Look it up. Paul, who was converted to Christianity AFTER Jesus ascended to Heaven suggests you should go to church, but NOT FOR SALVATION. The Gospel of John, who has actually met Jesus, says you just have to believe in Him. I'm gonna go with the Gospel on this one, 'kay?

Also, contrary to what Mel Gibson told you, the Jews didn't kill Jesus. That's right, I said it. The ROMANS killed Jesus. I'll pause while that sinks through your skinhead...

King Herod was Jewish, go on look it up. But King Herod didn't preside over Jesus' trial. That would be Pontius Pilate who is Roman. The Sanhedrin (look it up) WANTED Jesus dead, so Pontius Pilate "washed his hands" of the whole thing and turned Jesus over to the soldiers who are...CENTURION GUARDS. Note for you non-history majors: Centurions are Roman, not Jewish. And crucifixion is a ROMAN practice. Jews executed people by stoning. Did I just blow your mind? All I did was read the Bible you are thumping.

But here's the thing: even if the Jews had killed Jesus (News flash!) Jesus is also Jewish! Hating all Jews for killing Jesus would be like hating all white people for shooting President Lincoln, or hating all black people for assassinating Malcolm X. Jesus was a product of their own culture, and not living the way they liked. Fortunately, Jesus followed John 3:16 and eventually went directly to Heaven, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Speaking of collecting $200, I'll pay you a widow's mite for every Gospel you read correctly, you stillborn child of God.

Okay, I feel better now...

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Changes now that Disney has Purchased Marvel Comics list.

I'm just hoping Disney will buy my "Amazing Adventures of Rohrblogger" which mostly involves timely applications of bourbon in a crisis. I must use my powers only for good.

Thanks for the uncanny link, Jack!


Sunday, September 06, 2009


Top Ten Changes now that Disney has Purchased Marvel Comics

10. Peter Pan and Captain Hook join Batman and Robin for NAMBLA's "movie of the year"

9. The Evil Queen poisons Snow White with a radioactive spider

8. Punisher awakens Sleeping Beauty with a thousand-rounds-per-minute of percussion cap awesomeness

7. The Muppets take Dr. Manhattan

6. Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain America team up to rid the Caribbean of its dangerous surplus of rum

5. Don't get Cinderella angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry...

4. X-Men vs Aristocats to the death

3. Marry Poppins gives Human Torch a good cleaning

2. Alice in Wolverine

And the number one change now that Disney has purchased Marvel Comics...

1. With great power comes great co-opt every last franchise of America's emotional youth and bundle it into one revenue stream for the shareholders

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Princess Python meets Thumper
Storm McDuck
Cruella De Vulture
Roger Invisible Rabbit
Silver Simba
Captain Wall-EO
Ariel douses Pyro
Zorro can no longer sue Batman for infringement

Thursday, September 03, 2009


Reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

My words from Heather...

5. Ten - I read somewhere that the internet is just "a bunch of stupid videos and top ten lists." I love that internet content is base ten because the binary ones and zeros digital coding consists of would only tolerate a top two list. And how much fun is that?

4. Humor - Dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

3. Family - Yes. I am pro-family.

2. Faith - Really? This word reminds you of me?

And my number one word...

1. Chicken - Mmm, whether soup, fricassée, McNugget, or pot pie who doesn't love a paltry poultry? God bless Colonel Sanders and his breaded, deep fried, faux-military rotisserie of avian goodness. If America can't suck on the drumstick of decadence, then the terrorists have won. Pass the gravy...

-Jason Rohrblogger