Top Ten Places I've Hidden My Easter Eggs
10. In the eviscerated belly of a frozen Tauntaun
9. Offshore egg shelter
8. Omelet
7. In set of Russian nesting eggs
6. Fallopian tubes
5. In video game
4. Under several chickens
3. Deep in the caves of Tora Bora
2. Up Christopher Walken's ass
And the number one place I've hidden my Easter eggs...
1. In one basket
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/31/10)
Top Ten Signs You are not Going to Win a Nobel Prize
10. Your complete body of research documents how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
9. Post-doctoral thesis: "The Effects of Grain Alcohol on Man's Ability to Identify Post-structuralist Internet Porn Signifiers Encoded in ASCII Text."
8. You openly declare that we can achieve peace in Belgium in our lifetime
7. No "killer abs" category
6. Whole foreign diplomacy experience is the ability to see Russia from your state
5. Insist on referring to physicist Robert Oppenheimer as Bobby "Boom Boom" McNukenheimer Smith
4. The Nobel Committee is using a tinfoil microphone implanted in your skull to steal all of your best ideas before you can get them published
3. Your hot tub-based time travel model, while theoretically possible, still has not resulted in your going back to 1986 to do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot in a bitchen Camaro
2. You blame global warming on Megan Fox
And the number one sign you are not going to win a Nobel Prize...
1. Your entire contribution to world literature: one lame top ten list
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/28/10)
I got tagged over at Facebook for one of these surveys...
1. What time did you get up this morning?
The butt crack of noon
2. How do you like your steak?
Deep pink with a warm red center (and I like my steak medium rare)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Last Sex in the City Standing
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Fallujah
6. What did you have for breakfast?
Slim Fast and Rogaine
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean
8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything made by elves
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
In front of the TV
10. Favorite dressing?
Gauze
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive
1909 Stutz-Bearcat Turboprop
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Pants
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Kabul
14. Cup half empty or half full?
It was half full of scotch, half full of soda, but now it's empty. Can I get a refill?
15. Where would you want to retire?
To the bedroom
16. Favorite time of day?
Happy Hour
17. Where were you born?
Where the moon is in the second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Olympic Pole Dancing
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Nancy Pelosi
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Elin Woods
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Sylvia Plath
22. Bird watcher?
Depends on who is giving me the bird
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm always a person, silly!
24. Do you have any pets?
One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I can change my own oil
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Big
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Go fish
29. Are you married?
Only in Laos
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Even in the shower
31. Been in a car accident?
Never on purpose
32. Any pet peeves?
Facebook surveys
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Cardboard box
34. Favorite Flower?
Anything by Georgia O'Queef
35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla Ice
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
A little of the old In-n-Out
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Who says I took a driver's test?
38. From whom did you get your last email?
Nostradamus. It wasn't pretty
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
TJ Maxx
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
In a crowded elevator yelled, "Who farted?"
41. Like your job?
No, you can't have it!
42. Broccoli?
Separate the stems, eat the leaves
43. What was your favorite vacation?
National Lampoon's Summer
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Joe Black
45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of one hand clapping
46. What is your favorite color?
Clear
47. How many tattoos do you have?
0.5
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
3.14
49. What time is it?
Miller Time
50. Coffee drinker?
No. I can quit any time I want.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/10)
Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford
10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode
9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists
8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale
7. Convertible bottom
6. Built-in keg dispenser
5. Remote control upholstery
4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser
3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle
2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV
And the number one project in development at Ford…
1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")
-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/12/07)
And the alternates...
Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns
A big thank you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Things I Don't Get About Facebook list and blowing up my stats like an IED! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check her out!
Thanks for the link love, Spicy Pants!
-Jason Rohrblogger
Top Ten Things I Don't Get About Facebook
10. What's with the layout?
9. What's with all the updates about other people's friends and what they post?
8. Why isn't there a dislike button?
7. Why is it such a huge time suck?
6. What's with all the games?
5. What is an Honesty Box?
4. Why am I getting other people's horoscopes?
3. Why can't I see past chats?
2. Why is nothing dated?
And the number one thing I don't get about Facebook...
1. Why can't I post HTML?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/19/10)
Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper
10. Not really trained to use scythe
9. Halitosis
8. Is congressman who likes little boys
7. Also works for IRS
6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture
5. Smells like ass
4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot
3. Can also make you live longer, too
2. Is bi-polar and off his meds
And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...
1. Has mob ties
-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/15/07)
And the alternates...
Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny
An open letter to Rose DeWitt Bukater:
Oh, Kate Winslet. Sorry to hear you and Sam Mendes split. Now that you are single, I will be available to comfort you during our intense rebound fling. It has probably been seven years since you've had some crazy-hot passion in your life. I'm here to quench the drought. I'll take you back to my trailer park in my Ford Bronco (an American classic!). I'll put on some Marvin Gaye, crack a sixer of Pabst, and remind you how good it feels to be an Oscar-winner. In the morning it's off to Denny's for a decadent Grand Slam. I want you to drown my bacon in your syrup. I've seen all of your movies (Hideous Kinky, anyone?). I know you like middle-aged bearded men. So let's not pretend you haven't been itching to leave Mendes for a little mending. I'll wipe that smile off your face and put it where you need it most. See you in the morning.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/15/10)
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Whiskey
10. Goes down easy, comes up smooth
9. Just screw it!
8. The thicker chicker liquor upper
7. God's gift to alcoholics
6. Good to the last drinker dropped
5. Breakfast of champions
4. A dram is a terrible thing to waste
3. Between love and madness lies scotch
2. Obey your thirst
And the number one rejected slogan for whiskey...
1. The nighttime smokey, boozy, drinking, shooty, faded, so-you-can-get-wasted medicine
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/13/10)
And the alternates...
Melts in your mind, not in your liver
I'm lovin' it
-
You got alcohol in my peat moss!
You got peat moss in my alcohol!
Two great tastes that taste great together.
-
Like a good neighbor, whiskey is there
M'm! M'm! Good!
Don't leave home without it
When it absolutely, positively has to sleep there overnight
Only you can prevent sobriety
Reach out and punch someone
Tastes great, less willing
America's most trusted liquor
The ultimate drunk driving machine
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's whiskey
What can brown do for you?
Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants writes, "Jason. When are you going to feature your number one Internet fan and promoter in one of those handy-dandy top ten lists?"
Uh, be careful what you wish for, Jack.
Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants
10. "THE HANGOVER, in my opinion, is a true date movie, but then again I am a bit strange."
9. "Not to neglect our artsy fartsy side, we also watched INSIDE DEEP THROAT...."
8. "I'd rather not see cuts to my salary at all."
7. "What pedagogy are the teachers using to educate the students?"
6. "[I]t's like sitting through a romantic comedy where everyone is dressed in Mardi Gras costumes. The enjoyment of which just proves that people don't have very good taste."
5. "Is it wrong to find that most of the events I enjoy involve the possibility of bodily harm?"
4. "It was juicy with gore-a-plenty...."
3. "We need more death in the TV show, Heroes."
2. "In order to properly govern ourselves, we need deep questions and further exploration."
And Jason's number one fave line from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants...
1. "How cool would that be to run around in the dead of night blowing poisoned darts in the necks of the nefarious, lodging ninjas stars in their craniums, cutting enemies in half, and scaling walls with climbing spikes? And the disappearing smoke bombs. Sweet Judas Iscariot those puffs of smoke are some kind of bad ass."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/9/10)
And the alternates...
"What is the deal with those little brooms?"
"I thought about Imo's all meat pizza all the way home and even tried to convince the wife that it would make life better."
"I do have to admit that if the pizza were in the house I would tear into it like a down-low Baptist minister on a cracked-out gay hooker."
"I'd ask you to guess how far away my chest of drawers is, but it wouldn't make me look good."
"I have nothing pithy, clever or even offensive to say. I'm just blathering on for no good reason. Are you still reading?"
"[D]on't be expecting any romantic love songs from this writer."
"[T]hey have lost their ever-loving mind if they expect this fat feller to burn 400-500 calories a day."
"I'll meet the sweet baby Jesus sooner rather than later if I try to meet that goal."
"I'm sure the fat doctor would be pleased."
"Don't get me started on the fact that a romantic comedy won best screen play."
Top Ten Awards Show Thank-you Speeches I'd Like to See
10. "Thank you New Beginnings Tucson for getting me cleaned up enough to be here tonight. You truly win 'Best Detox!'"
9. "Thanks to all the fan boys who sent my nude scene viral. That really is where my best talents lie."
8. "...to my ex-wife's attorney: this statue us worth $87.50 max, I've already checked."
7. "I'd like to thank my dealer. There is no way my post-natal ass would have been camera-ready otherwise..."
6. "And a big thank-you to the director for believing I could give the best handjob on the casting couch."
5. "I especially appreciate by fellow nominees for not being talented enough to compete with my performance this year."
4. "Finally: justification for the three years of jazz and five years of tap my mother made me take."
3. "This recognition is really for the special effects, lighting crew, and director who turned me from an unwatchable hack into a believable, sympathetic character for ninety minutes."
2. "...this is totally sweet! Kegger at Joey's mom's house after the show. Wes is bringing Jäger!"
And the number one awards show thank-you speech I'd like to see...
1. "Even though I am feuding with every last toxic person on the cast and crew, and will go out of my way never to speak with any one of you again...this award is for you!"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/6/10)
Top Ten Food Related Band Names
10. Cream
9. Bread
8. Cake
7. The Cranberries
6. Meatloaf
5. Bananarama
4. Humble Pie
3. Smashing Pumpkins
2. KoRn
And the number one food related band name...
1. Sexual Chocolate
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/3/10)
And the alternates...
Vanilla Ice
Buckcherry
Meat Puppets
Pearl Jam
Hot Chocolate
Peaches and Herb
Chickenfoot
Eve's Plum
Veruca Salt
Fiona Apple
Blind Melon
Strawberry Alarm Clock
Moby Grabe
Blue Oyster Cult
Sugar Hill Gang
