Top Ten Rejected Space Shuttle Names
10. Fleeced Lightning
9. Money Shot
8. Sally's Last Ride
7. Maurice
6. REO Spacewagon
5. 20,000 Pounds of Love Thrust
4. O-Ring Eater
3. Sublight Speed Suburban
2. The Edmund Fitzgerald
And the number one rejected Space Shuttle name...
1. Lead Zeppelin
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/22/01)
Top Ten Rejected Space Shuttle Missions
10. Voyage to the center of the Earth.
9. Replace the fine fuel normally burned with dilithium crystals. See if anyone notices.
8. Rendevouz and docking with Britney Spears.
7. Jam paper clip into telecommunications satellite so Houston can get free Pay Per View.
6. Test the effects of zero gravity on a beer keg and a large pepperoni pizza.
5. Reposition Hubble Space Telescope to follow Gary Condit around wherever he goes.
4. Lower suspension, install twin chrome exhaust ports, add bitchin' T-tops. Pull up to Russian Space Station and gun engines then buzz Dairy Queen on Mars.
3. Re-enter Earth's atmosphere using only the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.
2. Rent cargo bay to Philip Morris. Fly a bunch of Space Cowboys to flavor country.
And the number one rejected Space Shuttle mission...
1. Assist Clinton in joining the 25,000 mile high club.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/22/01)
Top Ten Names for George W. Bush's Missile Defense System
10. The National Diaphragm
9. Block That Kick!
8. The Quintillion Dollar Cure for Monkey Business
7. Tommyhawk Knocker
6. Putin On the Fritz
5. 180 Degrees of Separation
4. Broke Shields
3. The Soviet Bloc-er
2. Intercontinental Ballistic Enema
And the number one name for George W. Bush's missile defense system...
1. The Democracy Strikes Back
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/31/01)
Top Ten Taliban Excuses
10. Wanted to be nuked back to the Mesozoic Era. Just didn't have own bomb.
9. Sick of the way Gary Condit was getting all of the American press.
8. Misread Old Testament passage about "burning bush."
7. Still angry because America helped them kick the Russians out of their homeland.
6. Camel loaded with explosives kept sinking in New York Harbor.
5. Tired of the way Nazis and Russians are always the bad guys in American movies.
4. Missed that one newspaper article awhile back about what America did to Iraq.
3. Upset because of immigration, there are not enough people in the workforce to staff all the 7-11's in downtown Kabul.
2. Afghan airforce consists of two paper airplanes and a broken rubber band.
And the number one Taliban excuse...
1. Can't wait to meet Allah.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/13/01)
Top Ten Changes After the WTC Disaster
10. Any seat at any time can be ejected from a commercial aircraft.
9. Gaping hole where Afghanistan used to be filled with asphalt. Russia finally has enough parking.
8. Leggy blonde stewardesses cross trained in the deadly art of Ninjitsu.
7. Cockpits not even Houdini could break into.
6. Transparent clothing, luggage, and luggage compartments.
5. Charles Bronson booked on all domestic flights.
4. Office buildings designed to duck.
3. History Channel dumps Hitler, officially changes name to Bin Laden Channel.
2. F-16 Tomcat escorts you through metal detector at airport check-in. ("Maverick, that carry-on is too close for missiles, switching to guns...")
And the number one change after the WTC disaster...
1. Two words: Nerf planes.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/28/01)
Top Ten Government Demands On Microsoft
10. Microsoft be split up into two companies to keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold.
9. Bill Gates is to PUT DOWN the mouse, STEP AWAY from the keyboard, and COME OUT with his hands up!
8. One of the proposed "Baby Bills" be headed up by outgoing Russian president, Boris Yeltsin, who will create a new vodka-based operating system.
7. Steve Ballmer call off the race of giant squirrels threatening Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson.
6. Steve Jobs gets one free-throw at the Bill Gates Dunking Booth at the King County Fair.
5. If Microsoft reveals the Windows Source Code, the Justice Department will give every nerd a dollar.
4. Redmond, Washington be declared a separate and sovereign nation. Then we bomb it back to the Stone Age.
3. Bill Gates return the State Department laptop he stole with the Top Secret solution for Tetris on it.
2. Microsoft relinquish its Monopoly, admit it's Sorry, and get a Clue.
And the number one government demand on Microsoft...
1. This summer Bill Gates finally gets a haircut and gets a real job.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/08/00)
Top Ten Projects In Development at TYCO
10. A miniature Conductor that does the Mambo number 5
9. A battle scarred coastline that smells like napalm in the morning
8. An HO scale breathalyzer
7. 1/8 inch railroad union busting goons
6. An eCaboose
5. Self-loading cargo
4. An environmentally friendly Locomotive that runs on discarded Pokemon wrappers
3. "Obsession" scented coal
2. A steering wheel
And the number one project in development at TYCO...
1. Railroad ties made from Jar Jar Binks
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/05/99)
