TOP TEN CHANGES IF JASON RAN THE SPECIAL FORCES

Top Ten Changes if Jason Ran the Special Forces

10. Cyanide pills delivered in a Hitler-shaped Pez Dispenser.

9. Six week advanced training missions to the Playboy Mansion.

8. Lightning fast two- and three-man commando teams sent to search and destroy Richard Simmons

7. Navy SEALs issued tactical surfboards. ("Because Charlie don't surf.")

6. Berets replaced with a saucy green scarf for Fall.

5. New recruits subjected to a rigorous Pespi Challenge.

4. All shock troops issued combat cologne, "Guerilla," so they can always smell like "napalm in the morning."

3. Blemish concealing hypoallergenic warpaint SPF10 with collagen.

2. Survival knife equipped with secret compartment containing emergency double cheeseburger with grilled onions, no pickle.

And the number one change if Jason ran the Special Forces...

1. All radio transmissions encrypted in Ebonics.*

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/03/01)

*This is Grandmaster Sgt. Flash keepin' it real in the HQ crib with all the rearward, gearward honeyz. I'm sendin' out mad props to my peeps in the Opizational Hizone. Fab 5 Freddy you are clear for Operation Run DMZ. You may flava the Sugar Hill position and drop the mad funk on all nonfriendly, whack MCs. I also got big ups for my base thumpin' arty crewz. All y'all get your gat lit for a Bin Laden hit. We are camel fabulous in the tree line, repeat, turban disturbin' in the tree line. Love, sex, and paychecks. Peaceout yo, over.