Saturday, August 06, 2005


Top Ten Surprises in Clinton's Autobiography

10. Once killed a man in a barfight over health care reform

9. Used the Special Forces to liberate a six pack of Natty Light from 7-11

8. Liked Siskel, loathes Ebert

7. He inhaled. Profusely.

6. When he confronted Chelsea about her childish support for Schedule 24(c) non-profit tax exemptions and she shouted "I learned it from watching you!"

5. The time he drunk dialed Newt Gingrich and invited him to "impeach this."

4. Has a covert lair deep in the Ozarks called the Fortress of Pulchritude

3. Never bothered tipping the Dominos guy after the second election

2. Secretly replaced the Constitution with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone would notice

And the number one surprise in Clinton's autobiography...

1. He can't remember where he left is lighter, either.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

He benches 350 and squat presses 410
Can drink 2 liters of Mountain Dew in 1 minute 8 seconds
Was passed over for the role of Joe Dirt when producers found out he had a degree from Oxford University
Is fluent in both Jive and Ebonics
Briefly dated Helen Gurley Brown in 1964
Fave book: Leaves of Grass Fave Movie: Point Break
Second worst decision: that third Big Mac before boarding Air Force One
At the end of the day, feels Kenneth Starr is a professional investigator with the highest ethical standards
Had to pay hush money when Buddy the dog got Tipper Gore's bitch pregnant
Comes from a solid background of cornbread and privilege
His big admission to Playboy magazine that he has "lusted in my heart" for other women

1 comment:

Atomic Bombshell said...

Fortress of Pulchritude? He wishes he could get his ugly ass anywhere NEAR anything remotely resembling pulchritude... HEH! ;)