Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear Jason Say
10. This shirt is sooo last season. I think I'll go out on my own and buy something more up to date.
9. Sorry I'm late, I was traveling at a safe rate of speed for the conditions.
8. ...that's when I realized I had scheduled TWO dates last Saturday...
7. I'll just leave this extra tequila for the host of the party.
6. I reassured her that small breasts and no ass were really attractive.
5. I'd like a veggie burger...soy milk...and carrot sticks...to go...
4. Just got off the phone with my father and...
3. I find Kubrick's violence towards women as distasteful as the graphic male-oriented lesbian pornography that undermines our Christian nation.
2. Once I get the doublewide set up in Marana, Grandma can just move in with me.
And the number one thing you will never hear Jason say...
1. My level headedness is only matched by my dedication to this job, sir.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear Jason Say
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Top Ten Rejected Cars in the Star Wars Universe
10. Volkswagen Jedi
9. Ford Millennium Falcon
8. Buick Skywalker
7. Dodge Darth
6. Jar Jarmann Ghia
5. Jetta the Hutt
4. Plymouth Rebel Alliance K
3. Mazda Miara Jade
2. X-Wing Spyder
And the number one rejected car in the Star Wars Universe...
1. Isuzu Storm Trooper
And the alternates...
Grand Caravan Tarkin
Ford Galaxy Far, Far Away
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Huge thanks to Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women post! Spicy has, like, the the largest readership EVER. Her link has TRIPLED my all-time record for page loads in one day. Incredible.
Also have to send love to Yoshie who found me "über funny." And big ups to the fine ladies at the Lifetime Moments message board for linking to the gender-related hilarity.
Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions....
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:40 PM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women
I don't have to have a reason to bring you flowers.
Is that the baby? I'll get her.
Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I'll bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.
I don't want anyone "falling in" in the middle of the night.
I know. Let's take you shoe shopping!
As long as I have legs to walk on, you'll never have to take out the garbage.
I made some Niman Ranch lamb tenderloin with garlic, back pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds OK.
I like to get these things before I have to be asked.
And the number one pornographic image for women...
Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:44 AM
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Note: Large portions of this list were stolen wholesale from Happy Fun Pundit...
Top Ten Things I Hate about Star Trek
10. Noisy doors. You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors and they are dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.
9. The Federation. This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you are rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here is an important fact: Most people, you don not want to see them in spandex. You would pay good money to not have to see them. If money had not been abolished, that is. So you are screwed.
8. Reversing the Polarity. For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity on everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they have gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom Three?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Giordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it is a wonder the Enterprise does not spontaneously combust whenever they put the juice to it.
7. Seat belts. Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you would think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good eight feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that is locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"
6. No fuses. Every time there is a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you are going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.
5. Rule by committee. Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best Sci-Fi show on TV last year:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
4. Beaming people everywhere. So, you have the capability to beam men and matériel to any named coordinates? Okay, why are you outfitting whole Starships and sending them on five-year missions? Why are you not BEAMING whole Starships where they need to go and then BEAMING them home at night? Or just beaming people on specific missions sans ship? Why are you firing ranged weapons, like photon torpedoes, at moving targets? Why are you not just beaming your weapon onto the enemy ship and then remotely detonating it? While you're at it, why are you outfitting ships with kitchens and supplies? Can't you beam a Romulan ale and a sammich where you want it when you need it? I'm just saying.
3. Technobabble. The other night, I could not get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.
2. The Holodeck. Speaking of the Spice Channel, we all know what the Holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegee the Holodeck clean.
1. The Prime Directive. How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going "WHEET!" all day. It would be hell. At least until the kaboom. The Earth-shattering kaboom.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:15 AM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Top Ten Signs You are Obsessed with Your Circulatory System
10. Dracula awkwardly stammers, "This just isn't working out."
9. Ever since college you've been tricuspid-curious
8. You name your twins Aortic P. Coarctation and Fossa Ovalis
7. Your fave movie of all time? Thoracic Park.
6. Your dream car is a Dodge Ventricle
5. Dr. Robert Jarvik makes you hot
4. You always enter a building through the right atrium
3. Your girlfriend has a vena cava fetish
2. Your fave actor? Bill Pullman-ary
And the number one sign you are obsessed with your circulatory system...
1. You are a hemosexual
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 2:14 AM
Monday, August 13, 2007
I submitted myself for a review over at Charles Young's Top Site of the Day and the critics have spoken. Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten is "really cool and funny" and "worth the stop by."
If this were a movie campaign, I could get away with quoting just one word like:
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten
Thanks for the awesome review, Charles! Check out Charles' site full o' blogs where you can even submit yourself for review.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:20 PM
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument
10. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
9. You are so cute when you get pissed off
8. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread
7. I get it...you're on your period
6. You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?
5. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Did I say "you?" I meant your sister.
4. Easy there, Turbo. Football is on.
3. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning
2. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
And the number one thing you should never say to a woman during an argument...
1. We both know that thing ain't loaded
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:05 AM
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Bryan Crockett over at Dad's on a Rant Again featured my Ann Coulter list nicely in one of his posts. His profile also states he likes Eva Cassidy who is one of my all time fave singers of all time ever in the history of rhythmic sound. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.
Thanks for the shout out Bryan!
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 4:59 PM
Top Ten Quotes from the Coultergeist
10. "Congress could pass a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries leave....We should require passports to fly domestically. Passports can be forged, but they can also be checked with the home country in case of any suspicious-looking swarthy males." -After the 9/11 attacks
9. "People are hysterical about speech right now. Everyone's comments are being taken out of context and wildly misinterpreted." -Washington Post
8. "[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks." -Rivera Live 8/2/99
7. "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" -Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01
6. The "backbone of the Democratic Party" is a "typical fat, implacable welfare recipient" -syndicated column 10/29/99
5. To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war." -MSNBC
4. "Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let's just call it for what it is. They're whores." -Salon.com 11/16/00
3. Juan Gonzales is "Cuba's answer to Joey Buttafuoco," a "miscreant," "sperm-donor," and a "poor man's Hugh Hefner." -Rivera Live 5/1/00
2. On Princess Diana's death: "Her children knew she's sleeping with all these men. That just seems to me, it's the definition of 'not a good mother.' ... Is everyone just saying here that it's okay to ostentatiously have premarital sex in front of your children?"..."[Diana is] an ordinary and pathetic and confessional - I've never had bulimia! I've never had an affair! I've never had a divorce! So I don't think she's better than I am." -MSNBC 9/12/97
And the number one Ann Coulter quote...
1. "I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote." -Hannity & Colmes, 8/17/99
And the alternates...
"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote." -Politically Incorrect, 2/26/01
"If you don't hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country." -George, 7/99
"We're now at the point that it's beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it's a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane." -Equal Time
"It's enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert." -The Case Against Bill Clinton, Coulter's 1998 book.
"Clinton is in love with the erect penis." -This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00
"I think we had enough laws about the turn-of-the-century. We don't need any more." Asked how far back would she go to repeal laws, she replied, "Well, before the New Deal...[The Emancipation Proclamation] would be a good start." -Politically Incorrect 5/7/97
"If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it." -MSNBC 7/27/97
"If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns." -Politically Incorrect, 12/18/97
"The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail." -Hannity & Colmes 8/24/01
"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." -MSNBC 3/22/97
"Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair. Now, they all have long blonde hair." -CapitolHillBlue.com 6/6/00
"I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't." -TV Guide 8/97
"Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married." -Rivera Live 6/7/00
"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend." -Politically Incorrect 7/21/97
"I think [Whitewater]'s going to prevent the First Lady from running for Senate." -Rivera Live 3/12/99
"My track record is pretty good on predictions." -Rivera Live 12/8/98
"The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals." -Washington Post 8/1/00
On Rep. Christopher Shays (D-CT) in deciding whether to run against him as a Libertarian candidate: "I really want to hurt him. I want him to feel pain." -Hartford Courant 6/25/99
"The swing voters - I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don't have set philosophical principles. You're either a liberal or you're a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. " -Beyond the News, Fox News Channel, 6/4/00
"My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism." -MSNBC 2/8/97
"You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard." -Washington Post 10/16/98
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:28 AM
Monday, August 06, 2007
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Top Ten Celebrity Answers
10. DR. PHIL - The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
9. GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
8. OPRAH - Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
7. COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
6. ANDERSON COOPER FROM CNN - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
5. HILLARY CLINTON - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
4. NANCY GRACE FROM COURT TV - That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
3. PAT BUCHANAN - To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
2. MARTHA STEWART - No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
And the number one celebrity answer...
1. COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one?
And the alternates...
DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA SIMPSON - In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and browse the internet. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \. reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE - I invented the chicken.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:07 AM
Sunday, August 05, 2007
I'll admit it: I'm a sucker for any lame internet stunt or meme. This one comes from Yummy Sushi Pajamas. Check it out:
Over at Ashwin's blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:57 PM
Friday, August 03, 2007
Top Ten Signs You Are Not Digesting Your Food
10. Your tape worm is longer than an Oliver Stone movie
9. Nicole Richie calls you Olive Oyl
8. You inject IV Pepto Bismol
7. You spend more time in the bathroom than Paris Hilton
6. Your boss is no longer the only sphincter causing you trouble
5. You MicroSize your meal at McDonald's
4. You name your spastic bowel Colon Feral
3. That's a pickle in his pocket but you're not glad to see him
2. You replace the fine nutrients normally absorbed with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices
And the number one sign you are not digesting your food...
1. After swallowing, you return your food to the store for a full refund
And the alternate...
Your doctor sends you back to alimentary school to read "The Iliac and the Colonoscopy"
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:05 AM