Thursday, March 20, 2008


Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Jokes

10. "Asked at a news conference if he had ever patronized a prostitute, Lt. Gov. David Paterson feigned a look of concern and responded, "Only the lobbyists.'"
- Reuters

9. "He said, quote, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber."
-Conan O'Brien

8. "...Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York."
-Jay Leno

7. "Right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem." -David Letterman

6. "You wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really? That might not be scary if you were client number one, but you were client number nine! I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli."
-Seth Meyers

5. "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."
-The Onion

4. "Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops!"
-Jon Stewart

3. "Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn't have to stand there. Really. Tammy Wynette would not have stood there."
-Amy Poehler

2. "Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV."
-Jimmy Kimmel

And the number one Eliot Spitzer joke...

-Eric Allie

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"I've sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent whore-dar."
-Stephen Colbert

"New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer became the butt of jokes faster than, well, faster than it would take a prostitute to ride Amtrak from New York to Washington."
-David Bauder

"You know, if there's one business event your spouse should probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain how you've betrayed them, I mean, what does someone wear for that?"
-Samantha Bee

"It's just mind-blowing that he spent $4,300 on a hooker. It just shows how high the cost of living is in New York. That same hooker would cost $50 in Newark."
-Lisa Landry

"He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France"
-Argus Hamilton

"Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and fuck it."
-Lewis Black

"He said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally - his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time."
-Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband."
-Conan O'Brien

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour."
-Jay Leno

"Here in California, our governor doesn't have to pay for sex. When he wants it, he takes it."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"Her real name is Ashley Dupre. Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."
-The Onion

Choosing a profession:

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1) A Bible
2) A dollar
3) A bottle of whiskey
4) A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

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