TOP TEN TOOL DEFINITIONS

Top Ten Tool Definitions

10. HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

9. MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

8. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for boring rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

7. HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board Principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE-GRIPS
Used to round-off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

5. OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

4. WELDING GLOVES
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

3. DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

2. WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses.

And the number one tool definition...

1. DAMMIT TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT!" at the top of your lungs. It is most often the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/10/08)

And the alternates...

WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last forty-five minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a car upward off of a hydraulic floor jack.

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened forty years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a fifty cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

SKIL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.