Tuesday, April 01, 2008


Top Ten Rejected Opening Lines from Jason's Novel

10. "Princess Leia signaled her desire by reclining near the Orgasmatron; 'Help me, Jason Rohrblogger,' she murmured, 'you're my only hope.'"

9. "It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs."

8. "Rigor mortis hadn't set in yet, like Viagra taking hold of an ancient wilted magnolia, but that was sure to change before prom was over in six hours."

7. "It was a time for heroes: when boys became men and men became women."

6. "Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', but we were stayin' alive, stayin' alive."

5. "Call me Oatmeal."

4. "The canopy was thick like Mama Cass. The swamp mud-sucked my boots, while mosquitoes blood-sucked the trigger finger on my M-16A1. Charley was breathing down my neck. It felt like the hot-breath of death after death had been eating anchovies. A nameless gut instinct to survive turned me around. 'Quit breathing on me, Charley,' I demanded, 'and have a mint.'"

3. "I like big butts, and I cannot lie."

2. "From all your furthest bounds, pour ye now in, ye bold billows of my whole foregone life, and top this one piled comber of my death!"

And the number one rejected opening line from Jason's novel...

1. "Show Daddy on the blog where Jason touched you."

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

"I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet blog posts that last three days."


Display Name said...

laughity laugh laugh sigh.
Why do you not have gallons and gallons of readers you delightful fiend?!

Jason Rohrblogger said...

Ah, Angela... My ego swells with your kind words. My sense of humor only appeals the the absolute smartest and good-looking readers. As you can see, it is a very small club. Welcome.

Larry Litle said...

Another great top 10 list. I am doing my part to send traffic your way from my blog. Your blog is always good for a laugh. I can not wait to read your book, if you can ever get past the first line.

Grins said...

Aww I liked the alternate, THAT book I'd read.

Joboo said...

"It felt like the hot-breath of death after death had been eating anchovies."

You must have met my Uncle Gordy. Hopefully you passed on the corn liquor I'm sure he offered. Great list Jason.

Jack said...

How about this dandy:

"You had me at Rohrblogger."

ken said...

"...thick like Mama Cass..." Effin' classic.