TOP TEN CHRISTOPHER MOORE QUOTES

Jenn over at Patience is a Virtue recently sent me my first Christopher Moore book Practical Demonkeeping. Christopher Moore books are what result when the creators of Scooby Doo are drunk novelists instead of stoned cartoon writers...

Top Ten Christopher Moore Quotes

10. If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

9. Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. Its the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.

8. Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

7. Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

6. Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.

5. Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....

4. She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

3. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.

2. I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

And the number one Christopher Moore quote...

1. People, generally, suck.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/30/39)

TOP TEN REJECTED CAMOUFLAGE PATTERNS

Top Ten Rejected Camouflage Patterns

10. Jungle Boogie

9. Dessert Storm

8. GothPunk

7. Suburban Warfare

6. Tees n' Greens

5. Forest Whitaker

3. Woodland Memorial

2. Martini Olive Drab

And the number one rejected camouflage pattern...

1. Strawberry Snowcake

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/09)

And the alternates...

Liger Stripe
Party Dress Uniform

TOP TEN BABY EILER NAMES

I have some friends with the last name Eiler who are having a boy. They asked me to come up with some non-Jason names (I don't condone this). Be careful what you wish for...

Top Ten Baby Eiler Names

10. Private Eiler

9. Wile E. Eiler

8. Vanilla Eiler

7. Boutros Boutros Eiler

6. Jed Eiler-Knight

5. Deef Eiler

4. Eval Eiler

3. Oprah Uma Eiler

2. Ezekiel Yahweh Eiler - EYE

And the number one baby Eiler name...

1. Zeig Eiler

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/09)

And the alternates...

Al
Skyler
Tyler
Aye Aye
Neil F.
Dude
LaFawnda
Chode
Taint
Laurence
Rasputin
Sirhan Sirhan
Pol Pot
Mussolini
Son of Sam
Malcolm Jamal

TOP TEN JEOPARDY CATEGORIES JASON ROHRBLOGGER WOULD TOTALLY KICK ASS ON

Note: Today's premise was stolen wholesale from SuziJane over at Chronic Listaholic.

Top Ten Jeopardy Categories Jason Rohrblogger Would Totally Kick Ass On

10. Ways to Avoid Work

9. Internet Porn

8. Procrastinations

7. Jack Daniels

6. Sleeping In

5. Impotent Potables

4. Awkwardly Hitting on My Coworkers

3. The Bible

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one Jeopardy category Jason Rohrblogger would totally kick ass on...

1. Keg Stands

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/26/06)

And the alternates...

Name That Infection
Hair Bands
Chugging
Stolen Premises

TOP TEN REJECTED INNER-CITY CAR NAMES

Volkswagen is trying to appeal to a more urban demographic with their current "unpimp your ride" ad campaign. Here are the vehicles car companies didn't use...

Top Ten Rejected Inner-city Car Names

10. Pontiac Pimp Stick

9. VW Ghetto Wagon

8. Yugo, Girl

7. Toyota Truqué

6. Aston Martin Luther King

5. Babydaddy-Benz

4. Dodge Dimebag

3. Saab Story

2. Buick Booticall

And the number one rejected inner-city car name...

1. Audi Here

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/07/06)

And the alternates...

Chrysler New Jack City
Lincoln "Boom Boom" Washington
Backalley HUMMER
Alfa Lil' Romeo
Nissan Neckroll
Cadillac Crackilade
Jeep Slut
Scion Scrilla
Honda Ho Down
Easy Eagle
Peugeot Daddy?

TOP TEN SCREEN SAVERS OR LED ZEPPELIN SONGS

Top Ten Screen Savers or Led Zeppelin Songs

10. The Ocean

9. Flying Toasters

8. In The Light

7. Windows IV

6. Black Dog

5. Starfield

4. Four Sticks

3. 3D Flowerbox

2. Mystify

And the number one screen saver or Led Zeppelin song...

1. Stairway to Heaven

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/15/09)

And the alternates...

Black Mountain Side
Cathedral
Celebration Day
Custard Pie
Down By The Seaside
Flying Clocks
Houses Of The Holy
In The Evening
Kashmir
Night Flight
Out On The Tiles
Over the Hills and Far Away
Ozone Baby
Royal Orleans
South Bound Suarez
Tangerine
Tea For One
White Summer

TOP TEN REASONS BRISTOL PALIN AND LEVI JOHNSTON BROKE UP

Top Ten Reasons Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Broke Up

10. He can't skin a bear the way she likes

9. She wants to have thirteen more babies to tie Octo-mom

8. Turns out he's NOT the heir to the Levi's fortune

7. He was looking at Beckah outside of Orange Julius at the mall and Beckah was all, "hi," and he was all, "hey, Beckah." Shee-yah! Like Bristol's gonna put up with THAT?

6. He wants to devote more time to his family

5. She wanted to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" he wanted to see "Watchmen"

4. Exhaustion

3. Her family was nuts!

2. His father wouldn't resign from the sheriff's office

And the number one reason Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston broke up...

1. He changed his MySpace status to "Democrat"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/12/09)

And the alternates...
Did it for the sake of the child
He's STILL pissed about the way Sarah threw the election for McCain
She wants to marry her cousin, Ashley Wilkes
His bailout package isn't very large

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE CARRYING TOM CRUISE'S BABY

Here's an oldie but a goodie from 2006...

Top Ten Signs You Are Carrying Tom Cruise's Baby

10. Heart-monitor beeps out theme to Mission: Impossible

9. Child already same height as the father

8. You've grown fond of the first name Elron

7. After disappointing second trimester, third trimester goes straight to DVD

6. Sometimes you just gotta say "What the heck"

5. Birth video directed by Michael Bay

4. Due on the 4th of July

3. Fetus jumps on your spleen whenever you watch Oprah

2. Your relationship has already jumped the shark

And the number one sign you are carrying Tom Cruise's baby...

1. After a cocktail of vanilla sky vodka you hold your eyes wide shut as he taps out endless love with all the right moves. After the last samurai, you've had a few good men, some young guns, but they were the outsiders because he is far and away the legend, the top gun, in the risky business of losin' it. He is the firm magnolia that brings you days of thunder and rain, man; the power of the world's collateral fades, like the color of money, and sounds like the distant minority report of fireworks born on the Fourth of July.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/06)

TOP TEN THINGS I AM ASHAMED TO ADMIT I LOVE

Top Ten Things I am Ashamed to Admit I Love

10. John Grisham novels - Yes his pulp is hopelessly formulaic. Yes he types his novels with only one hand while on vacation in Italy. He's the only fiction I will read.

9. Flashdance, Sound of Music, and Grease - Yes I'm straight. And I have worn out two Flashdance soundtracks. Sadly, I am not making this up.

8. Ford Windstar - This is my company car. Yes it's dumpy. Yes it's a Ford. But it's roomy, efficient, fast enough, and the A/C blows ice cold.

7. The Atkins Diet - Yes meat is murder. Yes I'm going to die of a heart attack at forty-two. But I'll be skinny and full of bacon double cheeseburgers.

6. Hillary Clinton - Yes she is shrill. But she's about to the lay the smack down on the rest of the world for Obama. Jason likey.

5. Cheeseball 70s acts like Neil Diamond, Bread, and Looking Glass - Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good!

4. 30 Rock - Yes it's completely silly. And I can't get enough! I want to go to there.

3. Nickelback - Yeah, I know, I know. Please don't tell other people, okay?

2. Vienna Sausages - Yes they are ground up chicken lips. And they are SO GOOD!

And the number one thing I am ashamed to admit I love...

1. LOL cats - This crap is funny, I don't care who you are.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/6/09)

TOP TEN LOS ANGELES KINGS EXCUSES

Top Ten Los Angeles Kings Excuses

10. Completely distracted by Octo-mom

9. Lost puck in the glare of the sun

8. When playing the Calgary Flames, want to be referred to as the Los Angeles Queens

7. Still trying to figure out how to pronounce "Robitaille"

6. Didn't get large enough bailout package

5. Upset that "Mighty Ducks IV: Duck in the City" won't be shot at Staples Center

4. Waiting for Wayne Gretzky to come back

3. Got Zamboned

2. Pet chimp being trained as goalie went berserk

And the number one Los Angeles Kings excuse...

1. They suck

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/3/09)