Top Ten Woody Allen Quotes
10. "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Anderson's fingertips."
9. "Love is the answer...but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."
8. "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
7. "Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
6. "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
5. "I didn't know he was dead...I thought he was British."
4. "Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."
3. "My brain? it's my second favorite organ."
2. "I've often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness...is me."
And the number one Woody Allen quote...
1. "Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love."
"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"Sex is only dirty if it's done right."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like...making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty"
"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying."
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
"Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Top Ten Woody Allen Quotes
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Top Ten Items Removed from Jason's Résumé
10. Objective: Hostile takeover
9. (April 1983 - September 1985) Whipping Boy
8. Special Skills: Can drink a pint of beer in one swallow, up to seven times, before having to boot and rally
7. (October 1986 - May 1989) Lickspittle
6. Relevant Experience: Arrested three times, but never convicted
5. (January 1991 - December 1993) Senate Page
4. Awards and Honors: Second Runner-up "Rainbow Ballerina of the Month" Miss Crystal's Fourth Ave Danceteria (April 1988)
3. (March 1994 - July 2005) Assistant Crack Whore
2. Passive-aggressive team player
And the number one item removed from Jason's résumé...
1. (November 2007 - Present) Fluffer
And the alternates:
(March 2008) Finally off the junk
Education: Bachelor of Kicking Ass and Taking Names from the University of tha Street
(August 1981 - February 1983) Love Doctor
Professional references available from your momma
(July 1980 - August 1980) Lackey
Hobbies and interests: Weight loss through drug and alcohol addiction
(March 1969) Born poor, angry Muslim child
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:39 AM
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Top Ten Signs it's Easter in Los Angeles
10. Mel Gibson directs local Passion Play based on his hit movie based on the bestselling novel of all time
9. Paparazzi stalk Easter Bunny into submission
8. 405 jammed heading into LAX, 101 slow from Ventura to Downtown, El Toro Y is a parking lot, and you're on the brakes on the 110 north from the 91.
7. Tom Cruise's career raised from the tomb
6. New seasonal favorite: Cadbury Peanut Butter Smog
5. Matthew McConaughey smoking plastic grass
4. Destiny's Child don't think you ready for this jellybean
3. Paula Abdul's head still as hollow as a chocolate rabbit
2. Playboy Bunnies hide their eggs
And the number one sign it's Easter in Los Angeles...
1. After three days, Jesús rises from the bed
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:01 AM
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Jokes
10. "Asked at a news conference if he had ever patronized a prostitute, Lt. Gov. David Paterson feigned a look of concern and responded, "Only the lobbyists.'"
9. "He said, quote, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber."
8. "...Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York."
7. "Right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem." -David Letterman
6. "You wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really? That might not be scary if you were client number one, but you were client number nine! I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli."
5. "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."
4. "Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops!"
3. "Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn't have to stand there. Really. Tammy Wynette would not have stood there."
2. "Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV."
And the number one Eliot Spitzer joke...
And the alternates...
"I've sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent whore-dar."
"New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer became the butt of jokes faster than, well, faster than it would take a prostitute to ride Amtrak from New York to Washington."
"You know, if there's one business event your spouse should probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain how you've betrayed them, I mean, what does someone wear for that?"
"It's just mind-blowing that he spent $4,300 on a hooker. It just shows how high the cost of living is in New York. That same hooker would cost $50 in Newark."
"He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France"
"Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and fuck it."
"He said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally - his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill."
"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time."
"Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband."
"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour."
"Here in California, our governor doesn't have to pay for sex. When he wants it, he takes it."
"When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'"
"Her real name is Ashley Dupre. Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money."
"How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."
Choosing a profession:
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1) A Bible
2) A dollar
3) A bottle of whiskey
4) A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:24 AM
Monday, March 17, 2008
Top Ten Signs it's St. Patrick's Day in Los Angeles
10. It's cheaper to fuel your H2 Hummer with Jameson Irish Whiskey than gasoline
9. Jennifer Aniston cast to star in "Leprechaun VI: The Search for Schlock"
8. Transvestites insist on celebrating "It's Pat" Day
7. Gary Busey caught drunk and talking nonsense
6. Crips & Bloods wear green bandanas for the day
5. Pot found at the end of Snoop Dogg's rainbow
4. Sit n' Sleep is REALLY having a blowout mattress sale this time, not like those other holidays
3. St. Patrick drives all of the snakes out of Hollywood
2. Variety refers to Colin Farrell's upcoming "Fast and Furious" sequel as an "Irish Car Bomb"
And the number one sign it's St. Patrick's Day in Los Angeles...
1. Happy Hour at Jason Rohrblogger's fave bar becomes amateur night
And the alternate...
Democrats manage to go one day without a scandal involving gay underage senate page prostitutes laundering money in an arms-for-hostages scheme to have Halliburton supply tainted FEMA trailers to Abu Ghraib prisoners for room and waterboard
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:15 AM
Friday, March 14, 2008
Top Ten Double Names
10. Boutros Boutros Ghali
9. Mahi Mahi
8. Yo Yo Ma
7. Cous cous
6. So so
5. Baden Baden
4. Sirhan Sirhan
3. Bora Bora
2. Duran Duran
And the number one double name...
1. Zsa Zsa
And the alternates...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:07 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Top Ten Carl Sagan Quotes
10. "Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense."
9. "All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value."
8. "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
7. "Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge."
6. "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism."
5. "I am often amazed at how much more capability and enthusiasm for science there is among elementary school youngsters than among college students."
4. "I can find in my undergraduate classes, bright students who do not know that the stars rise and set at night, or even that the Sun is a star."
3. "If we long to believe that the stars rise and set for us, that we are the reason there is a Universe, does science do us a disservice in deflating our conceits?"
2. "Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere."
And the number one Carl Sagan quote...
1. "It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."
And the alternates...
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
"Our species needs, and deserves, a citizenry with minds wide awake and a basic understanding of how the world works."
"Personally, I would be delighted if there were a life after death, especially if it permitted me to continue to learn about this world and others, if it gave me a chance to discover how history turns out."
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
"The brain is like a muscle. When it is in use we feel very good. Understanding is joyous."
"The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition."
"The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent."
"We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces."
"We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology."
"When you make the finding yourself - even if you're the last person on Earth to see the light - you'll never forget it."
"Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people."
"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love."
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:58 AM
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Secret Turn-ons
10. Early primaries with late, late returns
9. Ex-presidents who rally
7. Republican administrations that implode during the second term
6. Bubble baths, long walks on the beach, town hall meetings
5. Candle-lit conventions
4. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and gross domestic product calculations adjusted for the U.S. Dollar's value against the Euro
3. Lincoln bedroom eyes
2. States with huge caucuses
And the number one Hillary Clinton secret turn-on...
1. The naughty feeling of a leather corset and fishnets under a smart pantsuit
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:09 AM
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO IN THE COMPANY OF A WOMAN ACCORDING TO THE EDITORS OF MARIE CLAIRE MAGAZINE
Top Ten Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman According to the Editors of Marie Claire Magazine
10. Reveal how much your car cost
9. Clean your gun
8. Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed)
9. Refer to your mother as your best friend
6. Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter
5. Blow-dry your hair
4. Tip less than twenty percent
3. Celebrity impressions
2. Impressions of us
And the number one thing a man should never do in the company of a woman according to the editors of Marie Claire magazine...
1. Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction
And the alternates...
Question our footwear
Forget to carry cash
Boot and rally
Scream - at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for
Talk about former exploits. Ever.
Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man
Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:12 AM
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Top Ten Worst Foods in America
10. WORST FAST-FOOD CHICKEN MEAL - Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips from McDonald's (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce. 830 Calories, 55 G fat (4.5 trans fat), 48 carbs. Add a large fries and regular soda and this seemingly innocuous chicken meal tops out at 1,710 calories.
9. WORST DRINK - Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 fl oz). 900 calories, 10 G fat, 183 carbs, 166 G sugar. Jamba Juice calls it a smoothie, MSNBC calls it a milk shake. The beverage contains as much sugar as 8 pints of Ben & Jerry's butter pecan ice cream.
8. WORST SUPERMARKET MEAL - Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie (whole pie). 1,020 calories, 64 G fat, 86 G carbs. Label may say this pie serves two, but who ever divided a small pot pie in half? Once you crack the crust, there will be no stopping.
7. WORST "HEALTHY" BURGER - Ruby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger. 1,145 calories, 71 G fat, 56 G carbs.
6. WORST MEXICAN ENTRÉE - Chipotle Mexican Grill Chicken Burrito. 1,179 calories, 47 G fat, 125 G carbs, 2,656 mg sodium.
5. WORST KIDS MEAL - Macaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese. 1,210 calories, 62 G fat, 3,450 mg sodium. It's like feeding your kid 3-1/2 boxes of Kraft mac 'n' cheese.
4. WORST SANDWICH - Quiznos Classic Italian (large). 1,528 calories, 92 G fat, 4,604 mg sodium, 110 G carbs. A large homemade sandwich would more likely provided about 500 calories.
3. WORST SALAD - On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef. 1,450 calories, 102 G fat, 78 G carbs, 2,410 mg sodium. This isn't an anomaly: Five different On the Border salads on the menu contain more than 1,100 calories each.
2. WORST FAST-FOOD BURGER - Carl's Jr. (Hardee's on the East Coast) Double Six-Dollar Burger. 1,520 calories, 111 G fat. Carl's Jr. Brags it's home to this enormous sandwich, but the restaurant chain also provides convenient nutrition info on its website - so ignorance is no excuse for eating it.
And the number one worst food in America...
1. WORST DESSERT - Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. 1,600 calories, 78 G fat, 215 G carbs. Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three? That's the calorie equivalent of this decadent dish. Clearly, Chili's customers get their money's worth.
And the alternates...
WORST BREAKFAST - Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed hotcakes. 1,540 calories, 77 G fat (9 G Trans fat), 198 G carbs, 109 G sugar. Five Egg McMuffins yield the same caloric cost as this stack of sugar-stuffed flapjacks, which is truly a heavy breakfast, weighing in at a hefty two pounds and a half.
WORST STEAK - Lonestar 20oz T-bone. 1,540 calories, 124 G fat. Add a baked potato and Lonestar's Signature Lettuce Wedge, and this is a 2,700 calorie blowout.
WORST CHINESE ENTRÉE - P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein. 1,820 calories, 127 G fat, 95 G carbs. The fat content in this dish alone provides more than 1,100 calories. And you'd have to eat almost five servings of pasta to match the number of carbs it contains. Now, do you really need five servings of pasta?
WORST CHICKEN ENTRÉE - Chili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce. 2,040 calories, 99 G fat, 240 G carbs. "Crispers" refers to an extra thick layer of break crumbs that soak up oil and adds unnecessary calories and carbs to these glorified chicken strips.
WORST FISH ENTRÉE - On the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans. 2,100 calories, 130 G fat, 169 G carbs, 4,700 mg sodium. Perhaps the most misleadingly named dish in America; a dozen crunchy tacos from Taco Bell will saddle you with fewer calories.
WORST PIZZA - Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza. 2,310 calories, 162 G fat, 123 G carbs, 4,470 mg sodium. Downing this "personal" pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust cheese pizza.
WORST PASTA - Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce. 2,430 calories, 128 G fat, 207 G carbs, 5,290 mg sodium. This meal satisfies your calorie requirements for an entire day.
WORST NACHOS - On the Border Stacked Border Nachos. 2,740 calories, 166 G fat, 191 G carbs, 5,280 mg sodium.
WORST STARTER - Chili's Awesome Blossom. 2,710 calories, 203 G fat, 194 G carbs, 6,360 mg sodium.
WORST FRIES - Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. 2,900 calories, 182 G fat, 240 G carbs. Even if you split these "starters" with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before your entrée arrives.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:00 AM