Saturday, January 31, 2009


Top Ten Attractions at Chinese Disneyland

10. Snow White and the Seven Child Laborers

9. Pirates of Haiphong Harbor

8. It's a Small New World Order After All

7. Dumbo the Delicious Frying Elephant

6. Mongolia Bobsleds

5. Super Lucky Auto Utopian Highway of Glorious Driving

4. Chiang Kai Shrek

3. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and Subsequent Internment in a Reeducation Camp

2. Great Mall of China

And the number one attraction at Chinese Disneyland...

1. Mickey Maoist

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Country Bear Jamboree of Counterfeit Watches
Tower of Tibet Terror
Peter Tai Pan
Magic Falun Gong
Space Race Mountain
Haunted Yao Ming
Pooh Goo Gai Pan
Forbidden Epcot

Monday, January 26, 2009


Top Ten Lesser Known Holiday Mascots

10. Marty the Martin Luther King Day Marten

9. Hanukkah Harry

8. Leafy Erickson the Arbor Day Deciduous Conifer

7. Thanksgiving Todd

6. Madam Deesey the President's Day Mistress

5. Patty Purim

4. Mammary the Mardi Gras Matron of Toplessness

3. Comrade Labor Day

2. Mattress Blowout the Memorial Day Salesman

And the number one lesser known holiday mascot...

1. Explodey the three-fingered Fourth of July Firecracker

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Phoney, the Mother's Day Obligatory Call
Secretary's Day Sally

Friday, January 23, 2009


Top Ten Positions in the Rohrblogger Cabinet

10. Missionary

9. Pro-Tobacco Surgeon General

8. Hug Czar

7. Secretary of Housing and Urban Funkadelic

6. Joint Chiefs of Sass

5. Secretary of Aw Yeah!

4. Irrational Security Advisor

3. Ambassadors to the U.N.: J. Daniels, J. Beam, and J. Cuervo

2. Oprah

And the number one position in the Rohrblogger cabinet...

1. Office of the Vice-Ninja-in-Chief

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Attorney General Specific
Director of the Office of Management, Budget, and Porn
National SPAM Council
Secretary of the Exterior
Waterboard of Directors
Secretary of Homeland Insecurity
Desdecka!(DSDEQAA) Directorate of Secrets that Don't Exist so Quit Asking Already
Secretary of Bling
Chairman of the Federal Beer Reserve
Bailout Betty the Secretary of Hott

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I am normally a huge fan of drinking whatever you want. And I can see wanting to celebrate, and remember, Obama's historic inauguration. But why would you choose, um, commerative water as the substance to do that with? Why not something more permanent? Or more potent?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Nothing like waking up to a little Sunday morning link love from a large biker...

Big thanks to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my errata: Top Ten Movies About the Bush Administration.

Check out Jack's rants and raves here.

We're all gonna miss Bush...

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, January 17, 2009


We are just a heartbeat away from Beau Bridges playing President Bush in the made-for-TV movie...

Top Ten Movies About the Bush Administration

10. Iraqalypse Now

9. Trillion Dollar Maybe

8. Bush and Dick and Ted and Malice

7. President Evil

6. National Lampoon's Summer Invasion

5. The Rummy Returns

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Mindless Despot

3. Raging Kabul

2. Oil Reservoir Dogs

And the number one movie about the Bush administration...

1. Lie Hard

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts

And the alternates...

Saving Private-ization
Full Mental Jacket
Kill Bill Clinton
The Big Creep
Bush Subsidy and the None-Tax Kid
Gone With the WMD
Condoleeza Rice and the Last Crusade
The Man Who Shot Liberty
Almost Heinous
Mid-Right Cowboy
Midfight Run
Of Condi Rice and Men
Meet the Fu*kers
Sleepless in Syria
Good Ol' Boyz in da Beltway
Dumb & Dumberer: When Bush Met Dick
The Veep's Lezbo Daughter (The Dick And Dyke Show)
George, George, George of the Bungle
Donald Ducksfeld
Two-Faces of Evil
Budget Schmudget: We Don't Need No Stinkin' Surplus
Pimps & Ho's: The Bush Family Tree Goes Unpruned
Weapons of Mass Deception
Finding Neverland: The George W. Bush Rise to Power
Growing Up Bush: Dude, Where's My Bar?
Super-Size Me: Deficit Attention Disorder
Did You Want Freedom Fries With That?
Germany & France, Drop Your Pants (And Bend Over)
The SpongeGeorge Square Head Movie
The Life Pathetic With George Double-U
Raging Bullshit
I (Don't) Heart Spellingbees
The Unpronouncibles
It's a Wonderful Strife
Citizen Cocaine
Last Exit Strategy to Tehran
The Violence of the Sands
Fight Club
Paths of Gory
Are We There Yet?
Pooh's Clusterfu*k Movie
Mission: Imcomplished
Abhorrence of Arabia
Grim and Grimmerer
One Blew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
An Iraqwork Orange
Throw Osama from the Train
The Texas Cheneysaw Massacre
The Iraqi Horror Picture Show
Dial W for War
The Emperor's New-cular Groove
Mr. Ditz Goes to Washington
Pimped Fiction
This Is Wire Tap
The Great Debasters... Debaterists... Arguers!
The Empire Strikes Iraq
American Wankster
Disaster and Commander
Honey, I Shrunk the Constitution!
The Decider House Rules
My Own Private I Dunno
Rove, Actually
Topic Blunder
Disaster Movie
They Shoot Lawyers, Don't They?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Top Ten Victoria's Secret Models

10. Rebecca Romijn - I would like to carry her books to school in the snow, uphill both ways.

9. Naomi Campbell - I want to haul her recyclables to the curb.

8. Alessandra Ambrosio - I would love to change her oil.

7. Bar Refaeli - I could pre-soak her delicates.

6. Marisa Miller - I believe she can fly.

5. Molly Sims - I would not quit her basic training.

4. Adriana Lima - I volunteer to do her chores.

3. Claudia Schiffer - I can prune her rose bush.

2. Gisele Bundchen - I prefer to wash her windows.

And the number one Victoria's Secret model...

1. Heidi Klum - I would defrag her hard drive.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Angie Everhart - I can finish her entrée.

Laetitia Casta - I'd do her pre-flight check.

Petra Nemcova - I want to shine her left shoe.

Estella Warren - I would sign up to jump out of her cake.

Daniela Pestova - I would have her warrant quashed.

Josie Maran - I pack her parachute.

Tyra Banks - I'd watch her show.

Stephanie Seymour - I would check her e-mail.

Niki Taylor - I fill out her deposit slip.

Olga Kurylenko - I nominate her for vice president.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

In 2009 I resolve to...

10. Quit selling used dental floss on Ebay as new

9. Unload three of my personal firearms

8. Stop making my sushi talk in a tiny shrimp voice before eating it

7. Yodel less

6. Spit more

5. Lose ten, no wait, five. Okay three pounds. Lose two pounds and spit a lot to make up for it

4. Learn computers

3. Buy a toothbrush, hairbrush, and paintbrush

2. Leave less DNA evidence lying around

And the number one new year's resolution...

1. Bring sexy back

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Finish freebasing M&Ms
Buy less apology jewelry
Go to my special place
Remember the children

Monday, January 05, 2009


Top Ten Banned Phrases 2009

The following are banned from the English language...

10. Green

9. Maverick

8. Carbon footprint

7. Wall Street/Main Street

6. Joe the Plumber

5. Icon or Iconic

4. Staycation

3. Not so much

2. It's that time of year again

And the number one banned phrase for 2009...

1. Top ten _____________

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

At the end of the day
With all due respect
On a daily basis
It's a nightmare
Shouldn't of
It's not rocket science
At this moment in time

Thursday, January 01, 2009


Jason's New Year's Resolution Quiz

Answer the following then calculate your score to determine what your New Year's resolution will be...

As of January 2009 you are still:
1. Doubling down
2. Coughing
3. Puking
4. Can't take quiz. Masturbating.
5. Googling Lindsay Lohan

You've lost feeling in your legs because:
1. Your bookie broke them
2. Of the searing pain in your lungs
3. You drank too much
4. It didn't put the lotion on it's skin
5. You refused to get up during TV Land's The Simple Life marathon

You've come out of a drunken stupor in:
1. Las Vegas
2. Flavor Country
3. A Liquor store
4. Leather chaps
5. Nothing but a wife-beater and a Wii paddle

Fill in the blank: You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to ____ 'em:
1. Fold
2. Smoke
3. Shoot
4. Spank
5. Stalk

Who is your hero?
1. Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal
2. Joe Camel
3. Nick Nolte
4. Paul Rubens
5. Seth MacFarlane

Your fave movie of all time is:
1. Seabiscuit
2. Thank You for Smoking
3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Behind the Green Door
5. Bad Boys II

You smell like:
1. Flop sweat and green felt
2. Mickey Rourke's ash tray
3. Budweiser and regret
4. K-Y and a used thong
5. Taco Bell

Have you ever traded sex for any of the following?
1. A chit for Pony Boy in the third race
2. A cigarette floating in a can of Natty Light
3. A case of NyQuil
4. More sex
5. Two tickets to the premiere of Wild Hogs

In the past year you've spent approximately twenty hours a week:
1. Waiting on seventeen. Seventeen! C'mon lucky, lucky number seventeen!
2. Looking for somewhere to stick a patch
3. Hauling bags of empty Icehouse cans to the curb
4. Parked outside of Hawaiian Tropic Zone, throwing the vibe out
5. Sewing your Joker-themed professional wrestling uniform

Your most rigorous recent workout was:
1. Shredding Junior's college fund with a slot machine lever
2. Inhaling
3. Lifting twelve ounces at a time
4. A three-way with a tranny and a blow-up doll
5. Sweating out a garlic binge after a long night at Olive Garden

Scoring: For every number one give yourself one point, for every number two give yourself two points, etc.

Your New Year's Resolution is:

5-14 points:
Put the double down and step away from the blackjack table. Your rent ain't gonna pay itself.

15-24 points:
You look like a Shar Pei puppy and smell like Amy Winehouse. Give your lungs a break and suck on an oxygen tank for awhile.

25-34 points:
Your liver has left the room voluntarily and your kidney's are Swiss cheese. Take one more slug of that warm Margarita and head directly to AA.

35-44 points:
If your resolve ever falters, good thing Dateline is there to keep you on track.

45-50 points:
While admirable, the Porky's trilogy is not man's greatest artistic achievement. Set Maxim Magazine aside and pick up a book.

You're welcome...

-Jason Rohrblogger