Top X Rejected Amendments to the Constitution of the United States
Amendment X: The right to do a little dance, make a little love, indeed the very right to get down tonight shall not be infringed.
Amendment IX: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless CNN has had a chance set up 24-hour coverage.
Amendment VIII: In peacetime, neither the bride, groom, nor a wedding guest shall be required to perform more than two (2) line dances at all legally attended receptions. This is reduced to one (1) if the person in impressed upon to replicate the Macarena or Electric Slide.
Amendment VII: Allows the attorney general to bring charges against any exotic dancer who picks up United States currency with anything other than her hands.
Amendment VI: Congress shall make no law prohibiting the right of the people peaceably to assemble, unless they are assembled in a house for the purposes of reality television.
Amendment V: Declares it a high crime to filibuster in the X-amendments-or-less line in Congress.
Amendment IV: Makes it illegal to post nude photos of your ex on the internet. (Article i: Unless she is really hot)
Amendment III: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, until the subject has had time to hide the porn, flush the pot, and cover their naughty-nurse tattoo.
Amendment II: In the course of human events that Stockings are attached to a chimney, they shall be hung with care.
And the number I rejected Amendment to the Constitution of the United States...
Amendment I: No glove, no love.
-The Honorable Gentleman from the Blogoshpere
(12/11/05)
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
MERRY SPAMAS
Welcome to the 2005 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! You know the drill...
1. EGG NOG OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Hot nog-on-chocolate action
2. DOES SANTA WRAP PRESENTS OR JUST SIT THEM UNDER THE TREE? Wrap it before you tap it
3. COLORED LIGHTS ON THE TREE/HOUSE OR WHITE? Let's not bring civil rights into this
4. DO YOU HANG MISTLETOE? On my belt buckle
5. WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR DECORATIONS UP? November. 1999.
6. YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DISH? Charo
7. FAVORITE HOLIDAY MEMORY AS A CHILD? Catching Santa kissing daddy
8. WHEN DID YOU LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA? Truth? You can't handle the truth!
9. DO YOU OPEN A GIFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE? I'm usually wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve
10. WHAT KIND OF COOKIES DOES SANTA GET SET OUT FOR HIM? I've disabled cookies on all of Santa's browsers
11. SNOW! LOVE IT OR DREAD IT? Oh man, I gave that up in the 70's after rehab
12. CAN YOU ICE SKATE? Maybe.
13. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FAVORITE GIFT? A Kokopelli Gourd
14. WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS FOR YOU? Showing the Muslims and Hindus what time it is
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DESSERT? Dad's handpacked fudge
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION? Peeking up the angel's skirt at the top of the tree
17. WHAT TOPS YOUR TREE? Topless angel
18. WHICH TO YOU PREFER - GIVING OR RECEIVING? Giving, then receiving, then giving again.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL? Carol Lombard
20. CANDY CANES! YUCK OR YUM?? Yuck. I use a candy wheel chair.
21. FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE? Debbie Does Bethlehem
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/05)
1. EGG NOG OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Hot nog-on-chocolate action
2. DOES SANTA WRAP PRESENTS OR JUST SIT THEM UNDER THE TREE? Wrap it before you tap it
3. COLORED LIGHTS ON THE TREE/HOUSE OR WHITE? Let's not bring civil rights into this
4. DO YOU HANG MISTLETOE? On my belt buckle
5. WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR DECORATIONS UP? November. 1999.
6. YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DISH? Charo
7. FAVORITE HOLIDAY MEMORY AS A CHILD? Catching Santa kissing daddy
8. WHEN DID YOU LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA? Truth? You can't handle the truth!
9. DO YOU OPEN A GIFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE? I'm usually wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve
10. WHAT KIND OF COOKIES DOES SANTA GET SET OUT FOR HIM? I've disabled cookies on all of Santa's browsers
11. SNOW! LOVE IT OR DREAD IT? Oh man, I gave that up in the 70's after rehab
12. CAN YOU ICE SKATE? Maybe.
13. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FAVORITE GIFT? A Kokopelli Gourd
14. WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS FOR YOU? Showing the Muslims and Hindus what time it is
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DESSERT? Dad's handpacked fudge
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION? Peeking up the angel's skirt at the top of the tree
17. WHAT TOPS YOUR TREE? Topless angel
18. WHICH TO YOU PREFER - GIVING OR RECEIVING? Giving, then receiving, then giving again.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL? Carol Lombard
20. CANDY CANES! YUCK OR YUM?? Yuck. I use a candy wheel chair.
21. FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE? Debbie Does Bethlehem
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/05)
Thursday, December 22, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN LOS ANGELES
Top Ten Signs It's Christmas in Los Angeles
10. Spent shells from your AK-47 sound like magical sleigh bells as they hit the sidewalk.
9. Dancer and Prancer living together in West Hollywood.
8. Flames from the meth lab have that extra-warm glow.
7. For one month, Tinsel Town also has trees.
6. Santa stuck in a SIG alert on the 405 Fwy.
5. Your Douglas-fir is pimped out with 20's, mobile Playstation, and 5.1 Surround.
4. LAPD beats Rudolph with batons because he was "...guiding Santa's sleigh in an erratic manner, had an eggnog-like substance on his breath, and...resisted arrest."
3. Celebrities honor the 12-days of Scientology/Kabbalah/Bulimia.
2. LAX screeners hum "Silverbells" as they cavity search you.
And the number one sign it's Christmas in Los Angeles...
1. Jesús, Maria, and José just rode into town...
-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/01/05)
And the alternates...
Freeway shooters use special red and green foil-wrapped Hershey's milk chocolate bullets
Holiday-themed cups used at Starbucks are double-D's
Mrs. Claus sitting courtside next to Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game
Elves have agents and carry a packet of 8x10 headshots
Santa has to make an extra stop so Donner can get another nipple piercing
10. Spent shells from your AK-47 sound like magical sleigh bells as they hit the sidewalk.
9. Dancer and Prancer living together in West Hollywood.
8. Flames from the meth lab have that extra-warm glow.
7. For one month, Tinsel Town also has trees.
6. Santa stuck in a SIG alert on the 405 Fwy.
5. Your Douglas-fir is pimped out with 20's, mobile Playstation, and 5.1 Surround.
4. LAPD beats Rudolph with batons because he was "...guiding Santa's sleigh in an erratic manner, had an eggnog-like substance on his breath, and...resisted arrest."
3. Celebrities honor the 12-days of Scientology/Kabbalah/Bulimia.
2. LAX screeners hum "Silverbells" as they cavity search you.
And the number one sign it's Christmas in Los Angeles...
1. Jesús, Maria, and José just rode into town...
-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/01/05)
And the alternates...
Freeway shooters use special red and green foil-wrapped Hershey's milk chocolate bullets
Holiday-themed cups used at Starbucks are double-D's
Mrs. Claus sitting courtside next to Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game
Elves have agents and carry a packet of 8x10 headshots
Santa has to make an extra stop so Donner can get another nipple piercing
Monday, December 19, 2005
TOP TEN HEADLINES AT THE NORTH POLE ENQUIRER
Top Ten Headlines at the North Pole Enquirer
10. Mrs. Claus to K-Fed: 'Guide My Sleigh Tonight?'
9. Elf Bites Deer
8. Naughty List at Record High; Bush, bin Laden To Get Coal
7. Do You Hear What Area Man Hears?
6. U.S. Resumes Bombing on Island of Misfit Toys
5. Eyewitness: 'Mommy Kissed Santa Claus'
4. Grand Jury Indicts Grinch on Three Counts of Christmas Theft
3. Tiny Tim at 16: 'Get Bent'
2. Breakthrough in Three Kings Case; Suspects of Orient Are
And the number one headline at the North Pole Enquirer...
1. Jesus to Little Drummer Boy: 'Knock It Off'
LDB: 'Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum'
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/02)
10. Mrs. Claus to K-Fed: 'Guide My Sleigh Tonight?'
9. Elf Bites Deer
8. Naughty List at Record High; Bush, bin Laden To Get Coal
7. Do You Hear What Area Man Hears?
6. U.S. Resumes Bombing on Island of Misfit Toys
5. Eyewitness: 'Mommy Kissed Santa Claus'
4. Grand Jury Indicts Grinch on Three Counts of Christmas Theft
3. Tiny Tim at 16: 'Get Bent'
2. Breakthrough in Three Kings Case; Suspects of Orient Are
And the number one headline at the North Pole Enquirer...
1. Jesus to Little Drummer Boy: 'Knock It Off'
LDB: 'Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum'
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/02)
Friday, December 16, 2005
TOP TEN BACHELOR CHRISTMAS ACTIVITIES
Top Ten Bachelor Christmas Activities
10. The Drinking of the Beer
9. The Watching of the Game
8. The Lighting of the Fart
7. The Thawing of the Turkey
6. The Burning of the Turkey
5. The Ordering of the Pizza
4. The Anointing of the Porn
3. The Walking of the Line & Touching of the Nose
2. The Peeing on the Tree
And the number one bachelor Christmas activity...
1. The Tossing of the Cookies
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/19/98)
10. The Drinking of the Beer
9. The Watching of the Game
8. The Lighting of the Fart
7. The Thawing of the Turkey
6. The Burning of the Turkey
5. The Ordering of the Pizza
4. The Anointing of the Porn
3. The Walking of the Line & Touching of the Nose
2. The Peeing on the Tree
And the number one bachelor Christmas activity...
1. The Tossing of the Cookies
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/19/98)
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS FOUND IN ARIZONA AT CHRISTMAS
Note: Today's guest list-writer is comedian Paul Deven...
Top Ten Things Found in Arizona at Christmas
10. Eight tiny, dehydrated reindeer
9. Santa Cruz
8. Rudolph, the red-nosed guy on the median
7. Sweatcicles
6. Santa's Maximum Security Elf Prison (Do not stop for itty bitty hitch-hikers)
5. Low-rider Sleigh
4. Elf Tacos
3. Snow, conveniently packed in single kilo bags
2. Stockings hung by the chimney with frijoles
And the number one thing found in Arizona at Christmas...
1. Jalapeño nog
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Top Ten Things Found in Arizona at Christmas
10. Eight tiny, dehydrated reindeer
9. Santa Cruz
8. Rudolph, the red-nosed guy on the median
7. Sweatcicles
6. Santa's Maximum Security Elf Prison (Do not stop for itty bitty hitch-hikers)
5. Low-rider Sleigh
4. Elf Tacos
3. Snow, conveniently packed in single kilo bags
2. Stockings hung by the chimney with frijoles
And the number one thing found in Arizona at Christmas...
1. Jalapeño nog
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Saturday, December 10, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS
Note: Today's guest list-writer is comedian Paul Deven...
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Gifts
10. Ronco Spurge-a-matic
9. "Openly Gay" GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip
8. Tandy's radio controlled marital aids
7. The Game of Lice by Milton Bradley
6. Hickory Farm's "Foul Smelling Cheeses of the World" gift pack
5. The Pudding Shooter
4. "Little Spastic Susie" doll
3. Old Spice with Techroline
2. Super Mario Cuomo Brothers videogame
And the number one least popular Christmas gift...
1. Chia Pants
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Gifts
10. Ronco Spurge-a-matic
9. "Openly Gay" GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip
8. Tandy's radio controlled marital aids
7. The Game of Lice by Milton Bradley
6. Hickory Farm's "Foul Smelling Cheeses of the World" gift pack
5. The Pudding Shooter
4. "Little Spastic Susie" doll
3. Old Spice with Techroline
2. Super Mario Cuomo Brothers videogame
And the number one least popular Christmas gift...
1. Chia Pants
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
AURORA ROCKS
Once again Aurora Borealis over at Atomic Bombshell has featured me prominently in one of her posts.
And she even threw in a reference to my fave long-running reference of all-time: replacing something with Folger's Crystals!
Aurora you are the bomb (diggity). Her site is all about outstanding graphics, daily posts, and a regular readership. I'm always honored to get her attention...
THANK YOU AURORA!
And she even threw in a reference to my fave long-running reference of all-time: replacing something with Folger's Crystals!
Aurora you are the bomb (diggity). Her site is all about outstanding graphics, daily posts, and a regular readership. I'm always honored to get her attention...
THANK YOU AURORA!
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS CAROLS IN IRAQ
Top Ten Christmas Carols in Iraq
10. Bombs Away in a Manger
9. God Bless You Buried Gentlemen
8. We Three Kings of Orient Are Going to Lay Down a Suppressing Fire on Your Position While We Execute a Flanking Maneuver
7. Walking on a Winter Wonder Landmine
6. Do You Smear What I Smear?
5. I'm Dreaming of a White Flag Christmas
4. Little Hummer Boy
3. Kiss Me Under the TOW Missile
2. Over the Euphrates and Through the Perimeter...
And the number one Christmas Carol in Iraq...
1. Oil I Want for Christmas
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/04)
And the alternates...
Slay, Ride
Up on the Housetop! Take Cover! Return Fire!
Silver Hajj
Frosty the Oilman
Police Navidad
Grandma Got Run Over by a Humvee
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, It Took Hill 43
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Hanoi
Jingle Bell Shock & Awe
O Come Ali Faithful
White Supremacistmas
Peshmerga the Red-Nosed Insurgent
O Holy Nightvision
I saw Osama Kissing Santa Claus
Iran, Ran, Rudolph
10. Bombs Away in a Manger
9. God Bless You Buried Gentlemen
8. We Three Kings of Orient Are Going to Lay Down a Suppressing Fire on Your Position While We Execute a Flanking Maneuver
7. Walking on a Winter Wonder Landmine
6. Do You Smear What I Smear?
5. I'm Dreaming of a White Flag Christmas
4. Little Hummer Boy
3. Kiss Me Under the TOW Missile
2. Over the Euphrates and Through the Perimeter...
And the number one Christmas Carol in Iraq...
1. Oil I Want for Christmas
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/04)
And the alternates...
Slay, Ride
Up on the Housetop! Take Cover! Return Fire!
Silver Hajj
Frosty the Oilman
Police Navidad
Grandma Got Run Over by a Humvee
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, It Took Hill 43
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Hanoi
Jingle Bell Shock & Awe
O Come Ali Faithful
White Supremacistmas
Peshmerga the Red-Nosed Insurgent
O Holy Nightvision
I saw Osama Kissing Santa Claus
Iran, Ran, Rudolph
Monday, December 05, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED CELEBRITY-ENDORSED HOLIDAY GIFTS
Top Ten Rejected Celebrity-Endorsed Holiday Gifts
10. Pez brand Elton John Zoloft dispenser
9. Saddam Hussein Beard Lice Extermination Kit
8. Dubya's Guide to Surfing the Internets for Dummies
7. "Desperate Housewives" Upholstery Stain Remover
6. Rosie O'Donnell's Savory Carpet Dessert Topping
5. The Prison Farm Cookbook by Martha Stewart and Dottie "Pack-O-Cigs" Van Dyken
4. Tara Reid's Areola Cross-Stitching Hobby Set
3. The Barry Bonds "Shoot-Em-Up" Steroid Injection System
2. Michael Moore Washboard Abs Machine
And the number one rejected celebrity-endorsed holiday gift...
1. Paris Hilton's Self-Taught Sword Swallowing Instructional Video (oddly enough, also found on the "Most Popular Celebrity Endorsed Holiday Gifts" list)
-Ken Bloggerts and Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/04)
And the alternates...
The Ron Artest "Throw Away Your Career" Wastebasket (complete with mini-backboard)
Courtney Love's Guide to Courtroom Etiquette
Dan Rather fact check kit
Bob Dylan Enunciation Guide
Larry King Marriage Handbook
Five Easy Steps to Humility by Donald Trump
Michael Jackson Makeup Line
10. Pez brand Elton John Zoloft dispenser
9. Saddam Hussein Beard Lice Extermination Kit
8. Dubya's Guide to Surfing the Internets for Dummies
7. "Desperate Housewives" Upholstery Stain Remover
6. Rosie O'Donnell's Savory Carpet Dessert Topping
5. The Prison Farm Cookbook by Martha Stewart and Dottie "Pack-O-Cigs" Van Dyken
4. Tara Reid's Areola Cross-Stitching Hobby Set
3. The Barry Bonds "Shoot-Em-Up" Steroid Injection System
2. Michael Moore Washboard Abs Machine
And the number one rejected celebrity-endorsed holiday gift...
1. Paris Hilton's Self-Taught Sword Swallowing Instructional Video (oddly enough, also found on the "Most Popular Celebrity Endorsed Holiday Gifts" list)
-Ken Bloggerts and Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/04)
And the alternates...
The Ron Artest "Throw Away Your Career" Wastebasket (complete with mini-backboard)
Courtney Love's Guide to Courtroom Etiquette
Dan Rather fact check kit
Bob Dylan Enunciation Guide
Larry King Marriage Handbook
Five Easy Steps to Humility by Donald Trump
Michael Jackson Makeup Line
Thursday, December 01, 2005
TOP TEN THREE WISE MEN PET PEEVES
Top Ten Three Wise Men Pet Peeves
10. Traveling night and day for two years on the Orient-Bethlehem turnpike only to discover your camel's left blinker was on the whole way.
9. It's 50 lucre for three lousy measures of Frankincense.
8. You follow a star to the East but it turns out to be projecting a computer generated dancing baby.
7. The turkey isn't even out of the oven yet and Joseph is drunk already.
6. Trying to explain to your harem why you spent last night in a manger filled with sheep and goats, but the only woman there is still a virgin.
5. If you give gifts to one Savior of Mankind, you have to give gifts to EVERY Savior of Mankind.
4. The way the Sanhedrin are always appointing an Independent Prosecutor to investigate everything.
3. Still writing "B.C." on all the checks.
2. Baby Judas keeps telling on Baby Jesus.
And the number one Three Wise Men pet peeve...
1. Just knowing your computer is going to crash two thousand years from now.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/08/98)
10. Traveling night and day for two years on the Orient-Bethlehem turnpike only to discover your camel's left blinker was on the whole way.
9. It's 50 lucre for three lousy measures of Frankincense.
8. You follow a star to the East but it turns out to be projecting a computer generated dancing baby.
7. The turkey isn't even out of the oven yet and Joseph is drunk already.
6. Trying to explain to your harem why you spent last night in a manger filled with sheep and goats, but the only woman there is still a virgin.
5. If you give gifts to one Savior of Mankind, you have to give gifts to EVERY Savior of Mankind.
4. The way the Sanhedrin are always appointing an Independent Prosecutor to investigate everything.
3. Still writing "B.C." on all the checks.
2. Baby Judas keeps telling on Baby Jesus.
And the number one Three Wise Men pet peeve...
1. Just knowing your computer is going to crash two thousand years from now.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/08/98)
Monday, November 28, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS ACCEPTING BRIBES
Top Ten Signs Your Congressman is Accepting Bribes
10. Demands tariffs to protect our domestic cocaine industry
9. Last three motions were entered from The Pink Taco Bar & Girl in the Virgin Islands
8. Agrees to allow drilling for oil in Dick Clark's toupée
7. Just lost the capitol of Vermont at the craps table
6. Moves we invade the Raider Nation
5. Appropriates more money for Reading, Writing, and Meth
4. Sides with Hillary Clinton that we impeach Newt Gingrich
3. His lap dog has a gold-encrusted scooper
2. He sells his votes on Amazon.com
And the number one sign your congressman is accepting bribes...
1. Names the next Space Shuttle "BudNikeBay"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/28/05)
10. Demands tariffs to protect our domestic cocaine industry
9. Last three motions were entered from The Pink Taco Bar & Girl in the Virgin Islands
8. Agrees to allow drilling for oil in Dick Clark's toupée
7. Just lost the capitol of Vermont at the craps table
6. Moves we invade the Raider Nation
5. Appropriates more money for Reading, Writing, and Meth
4. Sides with Hillary Clinton that we impeach Newt Gingrich
3. His lap dog has a gold-encrusted scooper
2. He sells his votes on Amazon.com
And the number one sign your congressman is accepting bribes...
1. Names the next Space Shuttle "BudNikeBay"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/28/05)
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES
Top Ten Least Popular Thanksgiving Side Dishes
10. Porn Cone
9. Gibli
8. Rove Top Stuffing
7. Boat Gravy
6. Hash Potatoes
5. Candied Lambs
4. Turkey Squeezins
3. Sweet Potato Thigh
2. Manberry Sauce
And the number one least popular Thanksgiving side dish...
1. KoRnBread
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/23/05)
10. Porn Cone
9. Gibli
8. Rove Top Stuffing
7. Boat Gravy
6. Hash Potatoes
5. Candied Lambs
4. Turkey Squeezins
3. Sweet Potato Thigh
2. Manberry Sauce
And the number one least popular Thanksgiving side dish...
1. KoRnBread
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/23/05)
Saturday, November 19, 2005
TOP TEN SENSATIONAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE BIBLE
Top Ten Sensational Newspaper Headlines in the Bible
10. Joseph: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"
9. Third Quarter Temple Profits Down After Money Changer Scandal
8. Horny Joshua Exposes Entire City!
7. Two by Two: What REALLY Happened on the Ark?
6. Job to Yaweh: "Whatever!"
5. Mark Geragos to represent Cain: "My client is...not his brother's keeper."
4. Moses Dumps Pharoah for Burning Bush!
3. Cana Bride Found Two Cities Away, "It was supposed to be MY day..."
2. Sanhedrin: "Pharisees are totally whack!"
And the number one sensational newspaper headline in the Bible...
1. Pilot Decries Rise in Hebrew-on-Hebrew Violence
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/05)
10. Joseph: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"
9. Third Quarter Temple Profits Down After Money Changer Scandal
8. Horny Joshua Exposes Entire City!
7. Two by Two: What REALLY Happened on the Ark?
6. Job to Yaweh: "Whatever!"
5. Mark Geragos to represent Cain: "My client is...not his brother's keeper."
4. Moses Dumps Pharoah for Burning Bush!
3. Cana Bride Found Two Cities Away, "It was supposed to be MY day..."
2. Sanhedrin: "Pharisees are totally whack!"
And the number one sensational newspaper headline in the Bible...
1. Pilot Decries Rise in Hebrew-on-Hebrew Violence
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/05)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
TOP TEN PILGRIM PET PEEVES
Top Ten Pilgrim Pet Peeves
10. Lousy reception on Pre-Columbian TV's
9. We ate turkey and stuffing LAST year
8. Indians who act like they own this country
7. The trading post is putting up their Christmas decorations earlier every year
6. Traffic on the cross-forest trail is unbelievable
5. Trying to give thanks in 20 degree weather while you're dying of scurvy and rickets
4. Crazy old Dick Cheney keeps mumbling something about running for "president"
3. Playing Pictionary with a stick and some sand
2. Having to shoot the turkey since you can't choke the chicken.
And the number one Pilgrim pet peeve...
1. Windows1695
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/98)
10. Lousy reception on Pre-Columbian TV's
9. We ate turkey and stuffing LAST year
8. Indians who act like they own this country
7. The trading post is putting up their Christmas decorations earlier every year
6. Traffic on the cross-forest trail is unbelievable
5. Trying to give thanks in 20 degree weather while you're dying of scurvy and rickets
4. Crazy old Dick Cheney keeps mumbling something about running for "president"
3. Playing Pictionary with a stick and some sand
2. Having to shoot the turkey since you can't choke the chicken.
And the number one Pilgrim pet peeve...
1. Windows1695
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/98)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE BETTER IN THEORY THAN REALITY
Top Ten Things That are Better in Theory than Reality
10. Network television
9. Threesomes
8. Movies that feature Ben Stiller
7. Sex on the beach
6. Suing the bastards
5. Slo jams
4. Following your dream
3. The backstory on any album
2. War
And the number one thing that is better in theory than reality...
1. Marriage
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/14/05)
And the alternates...
Cell phones
All-star games
Anything beer-battered
Real desparate housewives
Political documentaries
The Sunday comics
Driving around in a convertible
Acoustic versions
Cordless anything
Leather upholstery
Top ten lists
10. Network television
9. Threesomes
8. Movies that feature Ben Stiller
7. Sex on the beach
6. Suing the bastards
5. Slo jams
4. Following your dream
3. The backstory on any album
2. War
And the number one thing that is better in theory than reality...
1. Marriage
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/14/05)
And the alternates...
Cell phones
All-star games
Anything beer-battered
Real desparate housewives
Political documentaries
The Sunday comics
Driving around in a convertible
Acoustic versions
Cordless anything
Leather upholstery
Top ten lists
Sunday, November 13, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG ATTORNEY
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Attorney
10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena
9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes
8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart
7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex
6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price
5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch
4. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman
3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted
2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...
1. She has all the time in the world since she withdrew her Supreme Court nomination
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)
And the alternates...
Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."
Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan
10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena
9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes
8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart
7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex
6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price
5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch
4. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman
3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted
2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...
1. She has all the time in the world since she withdrew her Supreme Court nomination
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)
And the alternates...
Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."
Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT WAL-MART
Top Ten Projects in Development at Wal-Mart
10. A 99¢ DVD player
9. Gift registration services for shotgun weddings, NFL arraignments, and NASCAR funerals
8. Legislation that would raise the minimum wage to 8.00 an hour but allow them to pay all employees in pesos
7. An in-store discount plastic surgery outlet
6. Toddler-operated fork lifts that haul your grocery pallet to your Suburban
5. A Labor Day blowout with 25% more blow
4. Tubeless tube top
3. Wal-Street: blue chip stocks at junk bond prices...
2. Fall line of designer leaf blowers
And the number one project in development at Wal-Mart...
1. An Indonesian manufactured Top Eight List that sells for half the price of an American manufactured Top Ten List
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/04)
And the alternates...
The more exclusive Sam's Country Club
Novelty singing toaster
10. A 99¢ DVD player
9. Gift registration services for shotgun weddings, NFL arraignments, and NASCAR funerals
8. Legislation that would raise the minimum wage to 8.00 an hour but allow them to pay all employees in pesos
7. An in-store discount plastic surgery outlet
6. Toddler-operated fork lifts that haul your grocery pallet to your Suburban
5. A Labor Day blowout with 25% more blow
4. Tubeless tube top
3. Wal-Street: blue chip stocks at junk bond prices...
2. Fall line of designer leaf blowers
And the number one project in development at Wal-Mart...
1. An Indonesian manufactured Top Eight List that sells for half the price of an American manufactured Top Ten List
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/04)
And the alternates...
The more exclusive Sam's Country Club
Novelty singing toaster
Friday, November 04, 2005
TOP TEN SPAM SUBJECT LINES IN IRAQ
Top Ten SPAM Subject Lines in Iraq
10. Elevation h^gher than the population? Get your DEGREE from ANY cave!
9. Beheadings: 1/2-Off!
8. Get your hump up: Camel V*I*A*G*R*A
7. Suic1de b0mb tick1ng? Check 0ut 0ur insurance rates N0W!
6. Dear Jihad Member, Verify your username, perimeter password, and ethnic affiliation
5. Hard2find u.r.a.n.i.u.m, s@r/in, wMd...
4. Crime-share opportunity in beautiful Abu Ghraib!
3. We'll close ur mortgage B4 the next insurgency.
2. Get in on ground flr - about to blow sky hi!
And the number one SPAM subject line in Iraq...
1. Local goats want to meet you!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/08/04)
And the alternates...
Moviephone: Catch the latest Osama DVD!
You are PRE-APPROVED for 77 celestial virgins in heaven!
10. Elevation h^gher than the population? Get your DEGREE from ANY cave!
9. Beheadings: 1/2-Off!
8. Get your hump up: Camel V*I*A*G*R*A
7. Suic1de b0mb tick1ng? Check 0ut 0ur insurance rates N0W!
6. Dear Jihad Member, Verify your username, perimeter password, and ethnic affiliation
5. Hard2find u.r.a.n.i.u.m, s@r/in, wMd...
4. Crime-share opportunity in beautiful Abu Ghraib!
3. We'll close ur mortgage B4 the next insurgency.
2. Get in on ground flr - about to blow sky hi!
And the number one SPAM subject line in Iraq...
1. Local goats want to meet you!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/08/04)
And the alternates...
Moviephone: Catch the latest Osama DVD!
You are PRE-APPROVED for 77 celestial virgins in heaven!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
TOP TEN REASONS WHY JASON WILL BE ENVIOUS HE WASN'T IN VEGAS
Top Ten Reasons Why Jason Will Be Envious He Wasn't in Vegas
10. Prego Bridgette had to eat every two hours, so WE had to eat every two hours
9. Two desperate housewives who haven't been to Vegas in a while
8. Two singles looking for action and getting free alcohol
7. Four chicks driving topless to and from Sin City
6. Four chicks sleeping in a room for six and no one brought PJ's
5. Went to the Hard Rock for some Pink Taco and Margaritas
4. Buffets, half naked ladies. Buffets, half naked ladies
3. Naughty Nightie contest and Bikini Bullriding at the Frontier
2. Hundreds of thousands of rhinestones covering almost nothing
And the number one reason Jason will be envious he wasn't in Vegas...
1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so Jason will never know
-Desiree, Bridgette, Michele, and Carol
(10/04/05)
10. Prego Bridgette had to eat every two hours, so WE had to eat every two hours
9. Two desperate housewives who haven't been to Vegas in a while
8. Two singles looking for action and getting free alcohol
7. Four chicks driving topless to and from Sin City
6. Four chicks sleeping in a room for six and no one brought PJ's
5. Went to the Hard Rock for some Pink Taco and Margaritas
4. Buffets, half naked ladies. Buffets, half naked ladies
3. Naughty Nightie contest and Bikini Bullriding at the Frontier
2. Hundreds of thousands of rhinestones covering almost nothing
And the number one reason Jason will be envious he wasn't in Vegas...
1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so Jason will never know
-Desiree, Bridgette, Michele, and Carol
(10/04/05)
Friday, October 28, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED COUNTRY BANDS
Top Ten Rejected Country Bands
10. The Dicks See Chicks
9. *NBRED
8. Crooks & Dung
7. Clit Black
6. MegaMeth
5. Patty Braless
4. KoRNfEd
3. Billy Ray Virus
2. Manson Family Singers
And the number one rejected country band...
1. Uncle Kracker Touched Me
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/28/05)
And the alternates...
Patsy Decline
Wrongway Tittie
Gram Parsons Reject
Melon Ready
Wailin' Jennings
Koby Teeth
Buns of the Pioneers
Tammy Whynot
10. The Dicks See Chicks
9. *NBRED
8. Crooks & Dung
7. Clit Black
6. MegaMeth
5. Patty Braless
4. KoRNfEd
3. Billy Ray Virus
2. Manson Family Singers
And the number one rejected country band...
1. Uncle Kracker Touched Me
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/28/05)
And the alternates...
Patsy Decline
Wrongway Tittie
Gram Parsons Reject
Melon Ready
Wailin' Jennings
Koby Teeth
Buns of the Pioneers
Tammy Whynot
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
DEAR ALCOHOL...
I love me some e-mail SPAM...
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2:00am. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls, and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. And sleep on the sidewalk at Hollywood and Vine. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures:
This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a camera is presented?
5. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the girl with the crooked teeth, track marks, bad breath, six children, etc. Why they are so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?
6. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3:00pm hangover and immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:00pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan...
-Jason Rohrblogger
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Naked.
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2:00am. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls, and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. And sleep on the sidewalk at Hollywood and Vine. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures:
This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a camera is presented?
5. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the girl with the crooked teeth, track marks, bad breath, six children, etc. Why they are so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?
6. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3:00pm hangover and immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:00pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan...
-Jason Rohrblogger
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Naked.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK FOR KEEBLER
Top Ten Signs You Work For Keebler
10. Recruiters from North Pole keep offering you a 10% raise, HMO, Dental, and 401k to come work for Santa.
9. Your paycheck is written on a graham cracker and covered in rich, creamy fudge.
8. Thugs from Hostess are always driving by late at night bustin' caps at your tree.
7. Your intern's dress is stained with Creme Filling.
6. You donated half your earnings to the new Herve Villechaize wing at the Smithsonian.
5. You swear you'll scream if one more gas station attendant tells you to "follow the yellow brick road" the next time you ask for directions.
4. The Pillsbury Doughboy claims he didn't give you that yeast infection.
3. Your last performance evaluation described your work as "Fudgetastic!" and your error rate as "wafer thin."
2. Your I.D. looks suspiciously like a Nutrition Label.
And the number one sign that you work for Keebler...
1. The Polaroids of your "secret" menage-a-trois with Little Debbie and Dolly Madison at last year's Christmas party have somehow surfaced on the net.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/25/98)
10. Recruiters from North Pole keep offering you a 10% raise, HMO, Dental, and 401k to come work for Santa.
9. Your paycheck is written on a graham cracker and covered in rich, creamy fudge.
8. Thugs from Hostess are always driving by late at night bustin' caps at your tree.
7. Your intern's dress is stained with Creme Filling.
6. You donated half your earnings to the new Herve Villechaize wing at the Smithsonian.
5. You swear you'll scream if one more gas station attendant tells you to "follow the yellow brick road" the next time you ask for directions.
4. The Pillsbury Doughboy claims he didn't give you that yeast infection.
3. Your last performance evaluation described your work as "Fudgetastic!" and your error rate as "wafer thin."
2. Your I.D. looks suspiciously like a Nutrition Label.
And the number one sign that you work for Keebler...
1. The Polaroids of your "secret" menage-a-trois with Little Debbie and Dolly Madison at last year's Christmas party have somehow surfaced on the net.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/25/98)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED CALIFORNIA STATE MOTTOES
Top Ten Rejected California State Mottoes
10. Where liberals grow as high as an elephant's eye.
9. The Disaster State
8. Ghetto-rific!
7. The Show Me (your penis) State
6. Reagan/Nixon/Condit Country!
5. A wholly owned subsidiary of Disney Co.
4. Cripland!
3. United we stand. Divided we fall into the ocean.
2. Home of the six million dollar apartment.
And the number one rejected California State motto...
1. Mexico's largest employer!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/07/01)
10. Where liberals grow as high as an elephant's eye.
9. The Disaster State
8. Ghetto-rific!
7. The Show Me (your penis) State
6. Reagan/Nixon/Condit Country!
5. A wholly owned subsidiary of Disney Co.
4. Cripland!
3. United we stand. Divided we fall into the ocean.
2. Home of the six million dollar apartment.
And the number one rejected California State motto...
1. Mexico's largest employer!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/07/01)
Saturday, October 15, 2005
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT HAVING JASON AS YOUR UNCLE
Note: My sister recently had a baby boy. You can check out the pictures at http://benbabyboy.blogspot.com
Top Ten Good Things About Having Jason As Your Uncle
10. Guaranteed a legacy spot in both Skull & Bones AND Riker's Island
9. Your every moment documented and published on the web at http://benbabyboy.blogspot.com
8. There's a really bitchin' 1991 Honda Civic waiting for you with only 1.4 million miles on it
7. Jewish/Christian hybrid religion results in Bristmas
6. "Professionals" hired to "take out" your piñata with a high powered rifle so you won't have to beat it with a stick
5. His Kool-Aid is already laced wth Ritalin
4. When Uncle Jason takes you to watch Bambi, YOU get to put the dollar in her g-string...
3. Snacktime becomes naptime with Goldfish Crackers and Goldschläger shots
2. Won't hit on your girlfriends from pre-school because they are too old for him
And the number one good thing about having Jason as your uncle...
1. Baptism involves a Jacuzzi filled with champagne
-Jason Rohrschläger
(10/15/05)
Top Ten Good Things About Having Jason As Your Uncle
10. Guaranteed a legacy spot in both Skull & Bones AND Riker's Island
9. Your every moment documented and published on the web at http://benbabyboy.blogspot.com
8. There's a really bitchin' 1991 Honda Civic waiting for you with only 1.4 million miles on it
7. Jewish/Christian hybrid religion results in Bristmas
6. "Professionals" hired to "take out" your piñata with a high powered rifle so you won't have to beat it with a stick
5. His Kool-Aid is already laced wth Ritalin
4. When Uncle Jason takes you to watch Bambi, YOU get to put the dollar in her g-string...
3. Snacktime becomes naptime with Goldfish Crackers and Goldschläger shots
2. Won't hit on your girlfriends from pre-school because they are too old for him
And the number one good thing about having Jason as your uncle...
1. Baptism involves a Jacuzzi filled with champagne
-Jason Rohrschläger
(10/15/05)
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED STARBUCKS COFFEE FLAVORS
Top Ten Rejected Starbucks Coffee Flavors
10. Beef-flavored Half Calf
9. Pave Mint
8. Caff-Fiend
7. White Chocolate Supremacist
6. Jitter Mug
5. Java the Hutt Yodaccino Chewmocha Han So-Low Fat Vegan Latte
(Sorry--that is a rejected Star WARS coffee flavor.)
4. Juan Valdez' Donkey Squeezins
3. Beans 'N Water Overload
2. Friars Club Roast
And the number one rejected Starbucks flavor...
1. Hot Cocoa Chanel #5
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/15/99)
And the alternates...
Vanilla nut sack
Chocolate Thunder Downunder
Osama bin Latté
10. Beef-flavored Half Calf
9. Pave Mint
8. Caff-Fiend
7. White Chocolate Supremacist
6. Jitter Mug
5. Java the Hutt Yodaccino Chewmocha Han So-Low Fat Vegan Latte
(Sorry--that is a rejected Star WARS coffee flavor.)
4. Juan Valdez' Donkey Squeezins
3. Beans 'N Water Overload
2. Friars Club Roast
And the number one rejected Starbucks flavor...
1. Hot Cocoa Chanel #5
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/15/99)
And the alternates...
Vanilla nut sack
Chocolate Thunder Downunder
Osama bin Latté
Sunday, October 09, 2005
TA66ED F0R SE7ENS
I know, memes are SO five minutes ago...but this is a LIST one. I got tagged by SJ over at Chronic Listaholic...
Seven things I can do:
1. Open a bottle of Viagra with one hand
2. Gain a few pounds here and there
3. Blab
4. Eat half a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Put them away. Immediately go back and get the box and eat the rest of them.
5. Violate everyone's social boundaries with really inappropriate sex stories. At work. And church. And Little League.
6. Smoke a patch
7. Name that Scotch in three gulps
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Call down the wrath of God to smite an evil city
2. Get the DA to like me for who I am
3. Like, work for The Man, man
4. Predict what that wacky Jim J. Bullock will do next!
5. Stop at 7-11 without getting a pickled wiener
6. Count to seven
Seven things that I find really attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Shallowness
2. Dishonesty
3. A nice car
4. Bad credit
5. Forgetfulness
6. Unresolved issues
7. Beautiful eyes
Seven things I say the most:
1. "Dude."
2. "Dude!"
3. "Dude?"
4. "Dude..."
5. "Dude,"
6. "Dood"
7. "S'up?"
Seven books I love:
1. The Five Jerks You Meet in Heaven
2. I'm Okay, Women Are from Venus
3. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Addicts
4. The Da Vinci Load
5. Sassy, Single and Satisfied
6. Start Late Finish Poor
7. I'm With the Hand
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Shave my back
2. Publish my memoir as a 10-year-old geisha boy in a Turkish bathhouse
3. Finally get off the junk
4. Hike to the top of Death Valley
5. Translate the Koran into Pig-Klingon
6. Break the land sleep record
7. Just up and...
Seven people I would like to see answer these questions:
1. Kirk Cameron
2. W. Axl Rose
3. Peter Pan
4. Jenna Bush
5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. Dirty Talking Girl
7. NASA
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/08/05)
Seven things I can do:
1. Open a bottle of Viagra with one hand
2. Gain a few pounds here and there
3. Blab
4. Eat half a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Put them away. Immediately go back and get the box and eat the rest of them.
5. Violate everyone's social boundaries with really inappropriate sex stories. At work. And church. And Little League.
6. Smoke a patch
7. Name that Scotch in three gulps
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Call down the wrath of God to smite an evil city
2. Get the DA to like me for who I am
3. Like, work for The Man, man
4. Predict what that wacky Jim J. Bullock will do next!
5. Stop at 7-11 without getting a pickled wiener
6. Count to seven
Seven things that I find really attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Shallowness
2. Dishonesty
3. A nice car
4. Bad credit
5. Forgetfulness
6. Unresolved issues
7. Beautiful eyes
Seven things I say the most:
1. "Dude."
2. "Dude!"
3. "Dude?"
4. "Dude..."
5. "Dude,"
6. "Dood"
7. "S'up?"
Seven books I love:
1. The Five Jerks You Meet in Heaven
2. I'm Okay, Women Are from Venus
3. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Addicts
4. The Da Vinci Load
5. Sassy, Single and Satisfied
6. Start Late Finish Poor
7. I'm With the Hand
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Shave my back
2. Publish my memoir as a 10-year-old geisha boy in a Turkish bathhouse
3. Finally get off the junk
4. Hike to the top of Death Valley
5. Translate the Koran into Pig-Klingon
6. Break the land sleep record
7. Just up and...
Seven people I would like to see answer these questions:
1. Kirk Cameron
2. W. Axl Rose
3. Peter Pan
4. Jenna Bush
5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. Dirty Talking Girl
7. NASA
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/08/05)
Friday, October 07, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE BRITNEY SPEARS' CHILD
Top Ten Signs You Are Britney Spears' Child
10. You are two hours old and you have a seven-figure deal to write a tell-all book about your experiences in the womb...
9. You attend prehab with Francis Bean, Kal-el, and L. Ron Cruise, Jr.
8. Stretch marks on your lips
7. You are baptized in a secret Kabbalah/Pilates/Skybar ceremony with Xtina Aguilera as your god-Madonna
6. $500-a-day Prada 'R' Us habit
5. All your crying is lip-synched to an enhanced soundtrack by Ashlee Simpson's band
4. Aunt Shar fills your piñata with squibs and fake blood so Uncle Quentin can shoot the finale to your first birthday party in one take
3. Born with a back tattoo
2. Your spokesman denies you are dating Woody Allen
And the number one sign you are Britney Spears' child...
1. Oops, you did it again
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/05)
10. You are two hours old and you have a seven-figure deal to write a tell-all book about your experiences in the womb...
9. You attend prehab with Francis Bean, Kal-el, and L. Ron Cruise, Jr.
8. Stretch marks on your lips
7. You are baptized in a secret Kabbalah/Pilates/Skybar ceremony with Xtina Aguilera as your god-Madonna
6. $500-a-day Prada 'R' Us habit
5. All your crying is lip-synched to an enhanced soundtrack by Ashlee Simpson's band
4. Aunt Shar fills your piñata with squibs and fake blood so Uncle Quentin can shoot the finale to your first birthday party in one take
3. Born with a back tattoo
2. Your spokesman denies you are dating Woody Allen
And the number one sign you are Britney Spears' child...
1. Oops, you did it again
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/05)
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
TOP TEN NAME IDEAS FOR JENN'S NEW DOG
Top Ten Name Ideas for Jenn's New Dog
10. Atomic Dog
9. Trixiebelle Babykins Sparkle Fincham
8. Snoop Puppy Pupp
7. The Amazing Wonder Pooch
6. L'il Bow Wow
5. Maurice
4. Dirk Digger
3. Prozac
2. Doggie Houser
And the number one name idea for Jenn's new dog...
1. Iggy Pup
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/04/05)
And the alternates...
Truman Capuppy
Lost and Hound
Boo
Finch Fetcher
Cerberus
Cujito
Darth Puppy
Snake
Eightball
Detox
Goat
Inkydinkybinkyclyde
10. Atomic Dog
9. Trixiebelle Babykins Sparkle Fincham
8. Snoop Puppy Pupp
7. The Amazing Wonder Pooch
6. L'il Bow Wow
5. Maurice
4. Dirk Digger
3. Prozac
2. Doggie Houser
And the number one name idea for Jenn's new dog...
1. Iggy Pup
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/04/05)
And the alternates...
Truman Capuppy
Lost and Hound
Boo
Finch Fetcher
Cerberus
Cujito
Darth Puppy
Snake
Eightball
Detox
Goat
Inkydinkybinkyclyde
Sunday, October 02, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED SUPER-POWERS
Top Ten Rejected Super-Powers
10. Ability to inflict your enemy with nagging self-doubt
9. Can recognize artist and song within first three bars
8. Able to leap tall lattes in a single bound
7. Telepathic control of server bandwidth
6. Can withstand Kelly Ripa
5. Pseudokenesis
4. Ability to clap silently
3. Authority to sign for any package
2. Ability to replace anything with Folger's Crystals, anytime, anywhere
And the number one rejected super-power...
1. Dominion over a regiment of intrepid Gummi Bears
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/18/04)
And the alternates...
Ability to get slightly fatter each year
Ability to get your first workout free
Ability to make all country music sound the same
Ability to froth milk with your earlobe
40,000 Lbs of love thrust
Knack for bribing officials
Addiction to love
Ability to rock out
Flaming air guitar
Impervious to guilt after a one-night stand
Ability to drink two liters of Coke in a single swallow
Mental capacity to remember your anniversary...and everyone else's
Perfect pitch
Uncanny ability to pitch a tent in a storm
Willingness to test God
Can control daydreams using only the power of your mind
Infrared heat-seeking gaydar with nightvision
Power to lower the Prime Interest Rate
Radioactive Genes, Nuclear Family
Able to find Jay Leno funny
Touch can cure Rockin' Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Flu
Ability to write a Saturday Night Live sketch with a beginning, a middle, and an end
Reason to live
Ability to control your appetite for up to 8 hours
Flower Power
Power of Reason
Ability to accessorize
Reputation as a peacemaker
Susceptibility to Jedi mind tricks
Ability to speak pig-Klingon
Capacity to enjoy all-you-can-eat
Uncanny ability to get to the front of the buffet line
Power over the DMV
Ability to defeat Bill Gates
Ability to predict who will lose the lottery
Mighty Hermaphrodite
Ability to always hang a picture level and square without measuring
Dragon breath
10. Ability to inflict your enemy with nagging self-doubt
9. Can recognize artist and song within first three bars
8. Able to leap tall lattes in a single bound
7. Telepathic control of server bandwidth
6. Can withstand Kelly Ripa
5. Pseudokenesis
4. Ability to clap silently
3. Authority to sign for any package
2. Ability to replace anything with Folger's Crystals, anytime, anywhere
And the number one rejected super-power...
1. Dominion over a regiment of intrepid Gummi Bears
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/18/04)
And the alternates...
Ability to get slightly fatter each year
Ability to get your first workout free
Ability to make all country music sound the same
Ability to froth milk with your earlobe
40,000 Lbs of love thrust
Knack for bribing officials
Addiction to love
Ability to rock out
Flaming air guitar
Impervious to guilt after a one-night stand
Ability to drink two liters of Coke in a single swallow
Mental capacity to remember your anniversary...and everyone else's
Perfect pitch
Uncanny ability to pitch a tent in a storm
Willingness to test God
Can control daydreams using only the power of your mind
Infrared heat-seeking gaydar with nightvision
Power to lower the Prime Interest Rate
Radioactive Genes, Nuclear Family
Able to find Jay Leno funny
Touch can cure Rockin' Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Flu
Ability to write a Saturday Night Live sketch with a beginning, a middle, and an end
Reason to live
Ability to control your appetite for up to 8 hours
Flower Power
Power of Reason
Ability to accessorize
Reputation as a peacemaker
Susceptibility to Jedi mind tricks
Ability to speak pig-Klingon
Capacity to enjoy all-you-can-eat
Uncanny ability to get to the front of the buffet line
Power over the DMV
Ability to defeat Bill Gates
Ability to predict who will lose the lottery
Mighty Hermaphrodite
Ability to always hang a picture level and square without measuring
Dragon breath
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED SUPERHERO WEAKNESSES
Top Ten Rejected Superhero Weaknesses
10. Samsonite
9. Eggs make you gassy
8. Craving for chocolate
7. Blinded by science
6. Addiction to crack form of Kryptonite
5. Inability to pass a Starbucks without getting a cookie
4. Wets self when she hears the Maldivian National Anthem
3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
2. Causes cell phone reception drop-out
And the number one rejected superhero weakness...
1. Dessert
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/04)
And the alternates...
Cross-dresses on weekends
Allergic to cats
Can't engage enemy without checking own horoscope first
10. Samsonite
9. Eggs make you gassy
8. Craving for chocolate
7. Blinded by science
6. Addiction to crack form of Kryptonite
5. Inability to pass a Starbucks without getting a cookie
4. Wets self when she hears the Maldivian National Anthem
3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
2. Causes cell phone reception drop-out
And the number one rejected superhero weakness...
1. Dessert
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/04)
And the alternates...
Cross-dresses on weekends
Allergic to cats
Can't engage enemy without checking own horoscope first
Saturday, September 24, 2005
TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT DISNEYLAND
Top Ten Products in Development at Disneyland
10. A priceless irreplaceable collectible heirloom that slowly dissolves and has to be replaced.
9. Cotton candy flavored carmel apple.
8. A Tinkerbell that appeals to men ages 18 - 35.
7. A $15 Coke-on-a-stick.
6. Realistic fake earthquakes, riots, and rolling blackouts for the new California Adventure Land.
5. A mouse that talks in a deep, sensual, Barry White-style bedroom voice.
4. An animated feature film based on their hit live-action Broadway musical "The Lion King."
3. A more easily tossed cookie.
2. A lunar powered Electrical Parade.
And the number one product in development at Disneyland...
1. A mermaid that, when kissed, turns into a high powered, cost cutting, efficiency obsessed senior executive.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/06/01)
10. A priceless irreplaceable collectible heirloom that slowly dissolves and has to be replaced.
9. Cotton candy flavored carmel apple.
8. A Tinkerbell that appeals to men ages 18 - 35.
7. A $15 Coke-on-a-stick.
6. Realistic fake earthquakes, riots, and rolling blackouts for the new California Adventure Land.
5. A mouse that talks in a deep, sensual, Barry White-style bedroom voice.
4. An animated feature film based on their hit live-action Broadway musical "The Lion King."
3. A more easily tossed cookie.
2. A lunar powered Electrical Parade.
And the number one product in development at Disneyland...
1. A mermaid that, when kissed, turns into a high powered, cost cutting, efficiency obsessed senior executive.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/06/01)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
CAR-SALESMAN-TO-ENGLISH TRANSLATOR
===============================
Car-Salesman-To-English Translator
===============================
WHEN THE CAR SALESMAN SAYS...
HE MEANS...
You're pre-approved!
For 25.9% interest rates.
We're having a big sale!
We couldn't give these problem cars away.
You qualify for special financing!
You obviously haven't made a payment on your outstanding Visa balance since before you went to prison for tax evasion.
Have you considered a lease?
You have the purchasing power of an eight-year-old between allowances.
We'd like to finance you here.
You'll still be paying for this when your eight-year-old goes to college.
Do you have a co-signer?
You couldn't finance the steam off of a cup of coffee.
I'd like to introduce you to our service department.
You'll be spending alot of time there.
Are you ready to buy today?
Don't waste my time.
Do you have good credit?
Don't waste my time.
Is this car in your price range?
Don't waste my time.
Do you like this vehicle enough to take it home today?
Please buy this before you notice the scratches and high mark-up.
What do we have to do to earn your business?
Do you like your screwing hard and fast, or soft and slow?
What do you have for a down payment?
How much do you have in the bank...in your pockets, in your wife's purse, in your children's piggy banks, under the couch cushions, and coming in your next paycheck?
What kind of a monthly payment were you considering?
Can you live in the car and give us the rent?
How about a (smaller, slower, cheaper) vehicle?
You can barely afford to ride the bus.
Have you considered a (larger, faster, more expensive) vehicle?
You'll be spending twice as much as you had planned.
Please feel free to look around.
I will hound you until you buy a car.
The (competing model) is an excellent car.
They outsell, outperform, and cost less than our model.
Of course you can have your mechanic look at it.
After you buy it.
It's economical.
It has the power of a loosely wound rubber band.
It performs.
It will deplete the fossil fuel reserves of OPEC before it's paid for.
It's the (fastest, most powerful, largest) in it's class.
No other manufacturer would build a car like this.
This model is all-new for this year.
We changed the shape of the headlights and added two speakers.
Note the classic lines.
It's as aerodynamic as a box of lead.
It's got dual air bags.
Duck!
It's a great value.
It's overpriced.
I'll even throw in the floor mats.
For another $199.00 on the back end.
It's a sport-utility vehicle.
A stiff breeze may tip it over.
Do you have proof of income?
We called McDonald's and they never heard of you.
It's our most popular model.
It's marked up $5,000.00 over sticker price.
What are you driving now?
What will you be trading in to me for $1,000.00 less than wholesale?
Regarding your trade:
Are these the original miles?
Your odometer has been rolled more times than Heidi Fleiss.
Has it ever been in an accident?
This car looks like it was salvaged from Baghdad.
It's a classic!
Your car was built before the Nixon administration. And has about as much integrity left.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/25/99)
Car-Salesman-To-English Translator
===============================
WHEN THE CAR SALESMAN SAYS...
HE MEANS...
You're pre-approved!
For 25.9% interest rates.
We're having a big sale!
We couldn't give these problem cars away.
You qualify for special financing!
You obviously haven't made a payment on your outstanding Visa balance since before you went to prison for tax evasion.
Have you considered a lease?
You have the purchasing power of an eight-year-old between allowances.
We'd like to finance you here.
You'll still be paying for this when your eight-year-old goes to college.
Do you have a co-signer?
You couldn't finance the steam off of a cup of coffee.
I'd like to introduce you to our service department.
You'll be spending alot of time there.
Are you ready to buy today?
Don't waste my time.
Do you have good credit?
Don't waste my time.
Is this car in your price range?
Don't waste my time.
Do you like this vehicle enough to take it home today?
Please buy this before you notice the scratches and high mark-up.
What do we have to do to earn your business?
Do you like your screwing hard and fast, or soft and slow?
What do you have for a down payment?
How much do you have in the bank...in your pockets, in your wife's purse, in your children's piggy banks, under the couch cushions, and coming in your next paycheck?
What kind of a monthly payment were you considering?
Can you live in the car and give us the rent?
How about a (smaller, slower, cheaper) vehicle?
You can barely afford to ride the bus.
Have you considered a (larger, faster, more expensive) vehicle?
You'll be spending twice as much as you had planned.
Please feel free to look around.
I will hound you until you buy a car.
The (competing model) is an excellent car.
They outsell, outperform, and cost less than our model.
Of course you can have your mechanic look at it.
After you buy it.
It's economical.
It has the power of a loosely wound rubber band.
It performs.
It will deplete the fossil fuel reserves of OPEC before it's paid for.
It's the (fastest, most powerful, largest) in it's class.
No other manufacturer would build a car like this.
This model is all-new for this year.
We changed the shape of the headlights and added two speakers.
Note the classic lines.
It's as aerodynamic as a box of lead.
It's got dual air bags.
Duck!
It's a great value.
It's overpriced.
I'll even throw in the floor mats.
For another $199.00 on the back end.
It's a sport-utility vehicle.
A stiff breeze may tip it over.
Do you have proof of income?
We called McDonald's and they never heard of you.
It's our most popular model.
It's marked up $5,000.00 over sticker price.
What are you driving now?
What will you be trading in to me for $1,000.00 less than wholesale?
Regarding your trade:
Are these the original miles?
Your odometer has been rolled more times than Heidi Fleiss.
Has it ever been in an accident?
This car looks like it was salvaged from Baghdad.
It's a classic!
Your car was built before the Nixon administration. And has about as much integrity left.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/25/99)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
ACTUAL READER'S COMMENTS ON JRTT
Actual Reader's Comments on JRTT
- "You seem to have a good sense of humor..." - Anonymous
- "I didn't know about these meds. Isn't science amazing!" - Anonymous
- "Marry me!" - beattvgirl
- "'feel the force' home pregnancy test. Freakin Genius! Seriously one of the funniest list's I've seen." - Amy Harden
- "there's nothing wrong with wanting to be held, jason." - Anonymous
- "I can't tell if you came up with this yourself but it's HILARIOUS!" - Charity
- "you appear to have some hostility towards oprah..." - Anonymous
- "are you some kind of genius? i worship you." - Anonymous
- "No, in YOUR mom's room." - Trev Diesel
- "quite frankly, this one was only so-so." - Anonymous
- "i have no idea who the hell you are.... but i don't care... you are super ffffing funny...." - bONG
- "Oh perfect list! I am falling more and more into internet lust with you." - Grins
- "Hee hee hee .. You funny. And who knew the beaten to death, 1980s format of Top 10 Lists could still be funny!!." - Anonymous
- "How funny." - AmateurDad
- "no one, and i mean no one, is as funny as you." - Alexis Stewart
- "I enjoyed the information you had on auto insurance as well." - marissa
- "Jason- this is awesome! Your site is so funny-" - Jenn
- "Bwahaha!" - Spicy Pants
- "You are so silly!" - Eigirt
- "Effin' hilarious... and sick" - Ken
- "LOVE your blog! HATE that it took me so long to discover it!" - SJ
- "how did you get such a large economist fan base? A little freak-y, my friend..." - Michelle Daws
- "I'm ashamed to admit it, but bathroom humor makes me laugh every time..." - Aurorealis
- "Yeah, like getting married proves you're not gay!" - Neil
- "Hilarity unleashed..." - Kenny Blaze
Thursday, September 08, 2005
TOP TEN REASONS YOUR HOTEL ROOM IS NOT READY
Top Ten Reasons Your Hotel Room Is Not Ready
10. Don't ask me. The squirrels in my pants won't stop screaming! AHHHHHH! AHHHHhhhhhh...
9. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our frequent cocaine fueled orgies.
8. Apparently the carpet is infested with Turkish sailors.
7. Elizabeth Taylor won't leave.
6. The dyslexic maid dusted the sheets and laundered the desk.
5. We can't seem to remove the smell of burnt sausage.
4. Your room will be ready as soon as we've worked the bugs out of our Microsoft server.
3. We're out of rooms, but we've a lovely manger out back.
2. We've replace the fine rooms we normally serve with Folger's crystals.
And the number one reason your hotel room is not ready...
1. I'm not really in a place where I can feel good about giving you a room right now. Hold me.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/26/01)
10. Don't ask me. The squirrels in my pants won't stop screaming! AHHHHHH! AHHHHhhhhhh...
9. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our frequent cocaine fueled orgies.
8. Apparently the carpet is infested with Turkish sailors.
7. Elizabeth Taylor won't leave.
6. The dyslexic maid dusted the sheets and laundered the desk.
5. We can't seem to remove the smell of burnt sausage.
4. Your room will be ready as soon as we've worked the bugs out of our Microsoft server.
3. We're out of rooms, but we've a lovely manger out back.
2. We've replace the fine rooms we normally serve with Folger's crystals.
And the number one reason your hotel room is not ready...
1. I'm not really in a place where I can feel good about giving you a room right now. Hold me.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/26/01)
Saturday, September 03, 2005
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW IRAQI CONSTITUTION
Top Ten Surprises in the New Iraqi Constitution
10. Ten point Bill of Wrongs
9. Amendments must be ratified by a two-thirds vote and at least one suicide bomb
8. Sunni's may not get their chocolate in Shi'ites peanut butter
7. Any future civil conflicts will be decided with a best two-out-of-three midget-tossing contest
7. Iraqi Supreme Court to feature Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, and Florence Ballard. Parliament to feature Bootsy Collins.
5. Bicamel legislature
4. Official bird of Baghdad: Sikorsky Blackhawk
3. Unsuccessful candidate in any general election loses a hand
2. Orders already being taken now for official Iraqi Civil War Chess Set
And the number one surprise in the new Iraqi constitution...
1. Executive branch to be headed up by Neil Bush
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/03/05)
10. Ten point Bill of Wrongs
9. Amendments must be ratified by a two-thirds vote and at least one suicide bomb
8. Sunni's may not get their chocolate in Shi'ites peanut butter
7. Any future civil conflicts will be decided with a best two-out-of-three midget-tossing contest
7. Iraqi Supreme Court to feature Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, and Florence Ballard. Parliament to feature Bootsy Collins.
5. Bicamel legislature
4. Official bird of Baghdad: Sikorsky Blackhawk
3. Unsuccessful candidate in any general election loses a hand
2. Orders already being taken now for official Iraqi Civil War Chess Set
And the number one surprise in the new Iraqi constitution...
1. Executive branch to be headed up by Neil Bush
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/03/05)
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN BLOG DAY PICKS
Head over to the official website - http://blogday.wikispaces.org to see what it’s all about! In brief: For one long moment on August 31st, bloggers from all over the world will post recommendations of 5 new Blogs. On this day, blog surfers will find themselves leaping around and discovering new, unknown blogs, and celebrating the discovery of new people.
In keeping with my theme, here are my Top Ten Fave Blogs of All Time. Hopefully, through my participation in this event, I’ll drive traffic from around the world. Especially since this Blog Day thing seems to have picked up momentum in Europe and is going largely unnoticed in the US… Spread the word!
10. The Onion - Not a Blog Per Se but Updated Weekly with the Funny
9. Daily Probe - The Daily Probe is Neither, Just More of the Internet Funny
8. The Complimenting Commenter - Such a Nice Boy!
7. Weblog Wannabe - Links, Great Template, Best Use of Verdana on the Web
6. Lord of the Crumbs - Memories and Commentary from an East Coast Raconteur
5. Tales Wagging the Blog - A Verbal Evisceration of Whatever is in the News
4. Celebrity Smack - A Visual Evisceration of Whoever is in the News
3. Dirty Talking Girl - Porno Blog Written by a Married British Woman in Her 50's! (I am not making this up)
2. Atomic Bomshell - Great Graphics, Awesome Observations, and Prolific Posts
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one Blog Day pick...
1. Patience is a Virtue - A Midwestern Woman Adopts a Child and, Yes, it's Hysterical!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/31/05)
Monday, August 29, 2005
TOP TEN REASONS ROBERT AND SARA ARE GETTING MARRIED
Top Ten Reasons Robert and Sara are Getting Married
10. He's pregnant
9. Looking for any excuse to play The Carpenter's "We've Only Just Begun"
8. Trying to prove they're not gay
7. He agreed to test their vows on the road before using them in competition
6. Needed a spice rack, bread maker, and mixing bowl
5. Life is a fragile journey made stronger by the bond shared between two people together facing blah, blah, blah...
4. She finally renounced her High Dark Master Satan and accepted Robert as her personal Lord and Savior
3. Married? Thought they were in line for the Matterhorn.
2. He refused to indulge her sad-clown fetish out of wedlock
And the number one reason Robert and Sara are getting married...
1. Doing it for the sake of the cats
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/01/05)
10. He's pregnant
9. Looking for any excuse to play The Carpenter's "We've Only Just Begun"
8. Trying to prove they're not gay
7. He agreed to test their vows on the road before using them in competition
6. Needed a spice rack, bread maker, and mixing bowl
5. Life is a fragile journey made stronger by the bond shared between two people together facing blah, blah, blah...
4. She finally renounced her High Dark Master Satan and accepted Robert as her personal Lord and Savior
3. Married? Thought they were in line for the Matterhorn.
2. He refused to indulge her sad-clown fetish out of wedlock
And the number one reason Robert and Sara are getting married...
1. Doing it for the sake of the cats
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/01/05)
Friday, August 26, 2005
TOP TEN CHANGES IF JASON RAN THE SPECIAL FORCES
Top Ten Changes if Jason Ran the Special Forces
10. Cyanide pills delivered in a Hitler-shaped Pez Dispenser.
9. Six week advanced training missions to the Playboy Mansion.
8. Lightning fast two- and three-man commando teams sent to search and destroy Richard Simmons
7. Navy SEALs issued tactical surfboards. ("Because Charlie don't surf.")
6. Berets replaced with a saucy green scarf for Fall.
5. New recruits subjected to a rigorous Pespi Challenge.
4. All shock troops issued combat cologne, "Guerilla," so they can always smell like "napalm in the morning."
3. Blemish concealing hypoallergenic warpaint SPF10 with collagen.
2. Survival knife equipped with secret compartment containing emergency double cheeseburger with grilled onions, no pickle.
And the number one change if Jason ran the Special Forces...
1. All radio transmissions encrypted in Ebonics.*
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/03/01)
*This is Grandmaster Sgt. Flash keepin' it real in the HQ crib with all the rearward, gearward honeyz. I'm sendin' out mad props to my peeps in the Opizational Hizone. Fab 5 Freddy you are clear for Operation Run DMZ. You may flava the Sugar Hill position and drop the mad funk on all nonfriendly, whack MCs. I also got big ups for my base thumpin' arty crewz. All y'all get your gat lit for a Bin Laden hit. We are camel fabulous in the tree line, repeat, turban disturbin' in the tree line. Love, sex, and paychecks. Peaceout yo, over.
10. Cyanide pills delivered in a Hitler-shaped Pez Dispenser.
9. Six week advanced training missions to the Playboy Mansion.
8. Lightning fast two- and three-man commando teams sent to search and destroy Richard Simmons
7. Navy SEALs issued tactical surfboards. ("Because Charlie don't surf.")
6. Berets replaced with a saucy green scarf for Fall.
5. New recruits subjected to a rigorous Pespi Challenge.
4. All shock troops issued combat cologne, "Guerilla," so they can always smell like "napalm in the morning."
3. Blemish concealing hypoallergenic warpaint SPF10 with collagen.
2. Survival knife equipped with secret compartment containing emergency double cheeseburger with grilled onions, no pickle.
And the number one change if Jason ran the Special Forces...
1. All radio transmissions encrypted in Ebonics.*
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/03/01)
*This is Grandmaster Sgt. Flash keepin' it real in the HQ crib with all the rearward, gearward honeyz. I'm sendin' out mad props to my peeps in the Opizational Hizone. Fab 5 Freddy you are clear for Operation Run DMZ. You may flava the Sugar Hill position and drop the mad funk on all nonfriendly, whack MCs. I also got big ups for my base thumpin' arty crewz. All y'all get your gat lit for a Bin Laden hit. We are camel fabulous in the tree line, repeat, turban disturbin' in the tree line. Love, sex, and paychecks. Peaceout yo, over.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
INTERVIEW ME
Thanks for the game Jenn! If you would like me to interview you, the rules are posted at Zeek's place- just put "interview me" in the comments section. Here are Jenn's "Interview Me" questions:
1) Who is your favorite animated character in a full length movie (Disney, Pixar, etc)?
-Flounder, Ariel's sidekick fish in "The Little Mermaid."
2) Boxers or briefs?
-Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...
3) How old were you when you figured out what sex actually was?
- 36½
4) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be?
-Lederhosen.
5) Where would you rather be right now? Mexico, Hawaii, Europe, or Africa? Or somewhere else?
-Indonesia: Sun, surf, and Islam. What could be better?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/23/05)
1) Who is your favorite animated character in a full length movie (Disney, Pixar, etc)?
-Flounder, Ariel's sidekick fish in "The Little Mermaid."
2) Boxers or briefs?
-Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...
3) How old were you when you figured out what sex actually was?
- 36½
4) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be?
-Lederhosen.
5) Where would you rather be right now? Mexico, Hawaii, Europe, or Africa? Or somewhere else?
-Indonesia: Sun, surf, and Islam. What could be better?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/23/05)
Saturday, August 20, 2005
TOP TEN SECRET DUTIES OF THE MAYOR OF DISNEYWORLD
Note: As part of its charter with the State of Florida, Disneyworld is it's own city with it's own zip code, sales tax, city council, zoning board, police/fire, and of course, mayor.
Top Ten Secret Duties of the Mayor of Disneyworld
10. Stomp around the Country Bear Jamboree, Dirty Harry-style, shouting, "Who's in charge here?!"
9. After Mr. Toad's wild ride, pay hush money to Toon Town Coroner.
8. Protect Chip 'n Dale from screaming women trying to put dollars down their shorts.
7. Pull Excalibur from the stone. Plunge it into Mayor McCheese's soft, fluffy white buns.
6. Quietly accommodate Gepetto's fetish for hairless wooden boys.
5. Call in Sheriff of Nottingham. Explain to him that he is off the case. He is out of his jurisdiction. Make clear that he is a renegade-with-a-badge and the Sherwood Forest Sheriff's Department will not tolerate his dangerous, loose-cannon, ways.
4. Discreetly have prostitutes from Pirates of the Caribbean delivered to the Hall of Presidents after closing.
3. Stem the tide of illegal traffic in fairy dust.
2. Send in union busting goons to keep the Seven Dwarves in the field pickin' cotton candy.
And the number one secret duty of the Mayor of Disneyworld...
1. Rig election so brother, Elmer Fudd, can get into the White House.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)
Top Ten Secret Duties of the Mayor of Disneyworld
10. Stomp around the Country Bear Jamboree, Dirty Harry-style, shouting, "Who's in charge here?!"
9. After Mr. Toad's wild ride, pay hush money to Toon Town Coroner.
8. Protect Chip 'n Dale from screaming women trying to put dollars down their shorts.
7. Pull Excalibur from the stone. Plunge it into Mayor McCheese's soft, fluffy white buns.
6. Quietly accommodate Gepetto's fetish for hairless wooden boys.
5. Call in Sheriff of Nottingham. Explain to him that he is off the case. He is out of his jurisdiction. Make clear that he is a renegade-with-a-badge and the Sherwood Forest Sheriff's Department will not tolerate his dangerous, loose-cannon, ways.
4. Discreetly have prostitutes from Pirates of the Caribbean delivered to the Hall of Presidents after closing.
3. Stem the tide of illegal traffic in fairy dust.
2. Send in union busting goons to keep the Seven Dwarves in the field pickin' cotton candy.
And the number one secret duty of the Mayor of Disneyworld...
1. Rig election so brother, Elmer Fudd, can get into the White House.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
TOP TEN ISRAELI CONCESSIONS TO THE PALESTINIANS
Top Ten Israeli Concessions to the Palestinians
10. Reclaim two holy sites, get one free.
9. On joint Israeli/Palestinian bowling teams, the Israelis will provide the beer and the Palestinians will provide the pretzels.
8. Israeli forces will stop shooting terrorists if they say the "phrase that pays."
7. If an Israeli suicide bomber and a Palestinian suicide bomber come to a four way stop simultaneously, the one to the right will go first.
6. Israelis will remove "Allah sucks" bumperstickers from all tanks BEFORE they flatten Palestinian homes and schools.
5. Secret Police torture sessions will no longer include the Macarena.
4. Gideons will be allowed to place the Koran in 30% of Tel-Aviv hotel rooms.
3. By 2006 all Israeli Coke machines must accept sheckels AND dinari.
2. Ramadan and Hannukkah combined into one holiday: Ramiken, the festival of containment.
And the number one Israeli concession to the Palestinians...
1. Israelis will close tacky topless bar in disputed territory, "the Gaza Strip."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/28/98)
10. Reclaim two holy sites, get one free.
9. On joint Israeli/Palestinian bowling teams, the Israelis will provide the beer and the Palestinians will provide the pretzels.
8. Israeli forces will stop shooting terrorists if they say the "phrase that pays."
7. If an Israeli suicide bomber and a Palestinian suicide bomber come to a four way stop simultaneously, the one to the right will go first.
6. Israelis will remove "Allah sucks" bumperstickers from all tanks BEFORE they flatten Palestinian homes and schools.
5. Secret Police torture sessions will no longer include the Macarena.
4. Gideons will be allowed to place the Koran in 30% of Tel-Aviv hotel rooms.
3. By 2006 all Israeli Coke machines must accept sheckels AND dinari.
2. Ramadan and Hannukkah combined into one holiday: Ramiken, the festival of containment.
And the number one Israeli concession to the Palestinians...
1. Israelis will close tacky topless bar in disputed territory, "the Gaza Strip."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/28/98)
Sunday, August 14, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED COMMANDMENTS
Top Ten Rejected Commandments...
10. Thou shalt do a little dance, make a little love, verily thou shalt get down tonight.
9. Remember this day, The Super Bowl Sunday, and keep it Holy for I am the Lord thy God.
8. Do unto others until you have had enough. Then do a little more.
7. Honor thy Visa and thy Mastercard.
6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy intern.
5. Thou shalt not commit adultery with an ugly chick.
4. Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.
3. Thou shalt beat no joke into the ground.
2. Thou shalt not worship any Spice Girl before Me. For they are false idols: false in tongue, false in eyelash, and false in breast.
And the number one rejected Commandment...
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/10/98)
10. Thou shalt do a little dance, make a little love, verily thou shalt get down tonight.
9. Remember this day, The Super Bowl Sunday, and keep it Holy for I am the Lord thy God.
8. Do unto others until you have had enough. Then do a little more.
7. Honor thy Visa and thy Mastercard.
6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy intern.
5. Thou shalt not commit adultery with an ugly chick.
4. Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.
3. Thou shalt beat no joke into the ground.
2. Thou shalt not worship any Spice Girl before Me. For they are false idols: false in tongue, false in eyelash, and false in breast.
And the number one rejected Commandment...
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/10/98)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
TOP TEN TITLES OF JASON'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Top Ten Titles Of Jason's Autobiography
10. Laughter In My Pants: A life told from the point of view of a comedian's trousers.
9. How To Avoid Success and Really Shine
8. I Never Met a Car I Didn't Wreck
7. The Alcoholic Plumber's Son
6. Everything I Ever Wanted To Know I Learned From Watching TV
5. Lose Weight the Drug and Alcohol Addiction Way!
4. Coping Through Blaming Others
3. What's My Social Security Number Again?: One Man's Search For Identity
2. Exodus in Excelsis Deo
And the number one title of Jason's autobiography...
1. Bachelors in the Mist
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/99)
10. Laughter In My Pants: A life told from the point of view of a comedian's trousers.
9. How To Avoid Success and Really Shine
8. I Never Met a Car I Didn't Wreck
7. The Alcoholic Plumber's Son
6. Everything I Ever Wanted To Know I Learned From Watching TV
5. Lose Weight the Drug and Alcohol Addiction Way!
4. Coping Through Blaming Others
3. What's My Social Security Number Again?: One Man's Search For Identity
2. Exodus in Excelsis Deo
And the number one title of Jason's autobiography...
1. Bachelors in the Mist
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/99)
Saturday, August 06, 2005
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN CLINTON'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Top Ten Surprises in Clinton's Autobiography
10. Once killed a man in a barfight over health care reform
9. Used the Special Forces to liberate a six pack of Natty Light from 7-11
8. Liked Siskel, loathes Ebert
7. He inhaled. Profusely.
6. When he confronted Chelsea about her childish support for Schedule 24(c) non-profit tax exemptions and she shouted "I learned it from watching you!"
5. The time he drunk dialed Newt Gingrich and invited him to "impeach this."
4. Has a covert lair deep in the Ozarks called the Fortress of Pulchritude
3. Never bothered tipping the Dominos guy after the second election
2. Secretly replaced the Constitution with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone would notice
And the number one surprise in Clinton's autobiography...
1. He can't remember where he left is lighter, either.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/24/04)
And the alternates...
He benches 350 and squat presses 410
Can drink 2 liters of Mountain Dew in 1 minute 8 seconds
Was passed over for the role of Joe Dirt when producers found out he had a degree from Oxford University
Is fluent in both Jive and Ebonics
Briefly dated Helen Gurley Brown in 1964
Fave book: Leaves of Grass Fave Movie: Point Break
Second worst decision: that third Big Mac before boarding Air Force One
At the end of the day, feels Kenneth Starr is a professional investigator with the highest ethical standards
Had to pay hush money when Buddy the dog got Tipper Gore's bitch pregnant
Comes from a solid background of cornbread and privilege
His big admission to Playboy magazine that he has "lusted in my heart" for other women
10. Once killed a man in a barfight over health care reform
9. Used the Special Forces to liberate a six pack of Natty Light from 7-11
8. Liked Siskel, loathes Ebert
7. He inhaled. Profusely.
6. When he confronted Chelsea about her childish support for Schedule 24(c) non-profit tax exemptions and she shouted "I learned it from watching you!"
5. The time he drunk dialed Newt Gingrich and invited him to "impeach this."
4. Has a covert lair deep in the Ozarks called the Fortress of Pulchritude
3. Never bothered tipping the Dominos guy after the second election
2. Secretly replaced the Constitution with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone would notice
And the number one surprise in Clinton's autobiography...
1. He can't remember where he left is lighter, either.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/24/04)
And the alternates...
He benches 350 and squat presses 410
Can drink 2 liters of Mountain Dew in 1 minute 8 seconds
Was passed over for the role of Joe Dirt when producers found out he had a degree from Oxford University
Is fluent in both Jive and Ebonics
Briefly dated Helen Gurley Brown in 1964
Fave book: Leaves of Grass Fave Movie: Point Break
Second worst decision: that third Big Mac before boarding Air Force One
At the end of the day, feels Kenneth Starr is a professional investigator with the highest ethical standards
Had to pay hush money when Buddy the dog got Tipper Gore's bitch pregnant
Comes from a solid background of cornbread and privilege
His big admission to Playboy magazine that he has "lusted in my heart" for other women
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED MONSTER TRUCK NAMES
Top Ten Rejected Monster Truck Names
10. The Vomit Comet
9. Family Wagon of Doom
8. The Bible Thumper
7. Pablum Topfuel Chiffon Creampuff Dream
6. Shakespeare Express
5. Granny Saurus Wrecks
4. Redneck Casket
3. The Bowel Mover
2. Ku Trux Klan
And the number one rejected monster truck name...
1. The Mighty Small Penis Compensator
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)
10. The Vomit Comet
9. Family Wagon of Doom
8. The Bible Thumper
7. Pablum Topfuel Chiffon Creampuff Dream
6. Shakespeare Express
5. Granny Saurus Wrecks
4. Redneck Casket
3. The Bowel Mover
2. Ku Trux Klan
And the number one rejected monster truck name...
1. The Mighty Small Penis Compensator
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)
Sunday, July 31, 2005
TOP TEN MONSTER TRUCK NAMES IF WOMEN RAN THE MONSTER TRUCK BIDNESS
Top Ten Monster Truck Names If Women Ran The Monster Truck Bidness
10. Runs Good Make Offer
9. Mary Kay Maniac
8. Vaginal Dryness
7. The Commuter
6. Detroit Doily Maker
5. Overbudget
4. Fuel Injected Yeast Infection
3. The Ozone Destroyer
2. V-8 Vibrator
And the number one monster truck name if women ran the monster truck bidness...
1. The Cuddler
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)
10. Runs Good Make Offer
9. Mary Kay Maniac
8. Vaginal Dryness
7. The Commuter
6. Detroit Doily Maker
5. Overbudget
4. Fuel Injected Yeast Infection
3. The Ozone Destroyer
2. V-8 Vibrator
And the number one monster truck name if women ran the monster truck bidness...
1. The Cuddler
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)
Thursday, July 28, 2005
TOP TEN L.A. AMUSEMENT PARKS AND ATTRACTIONS
Top Ten L.A. Amusement Parks and Attractions
10. Shoot 'n' Loot: Where Miniature Golf Is A Riot!
9. Dr. Fahad's Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
8. Six Flags' Magic Mushroom (and Sealing Wax Museum)
7. Knott's Berry Prison Farm
6. Shovel-n-Sav Earthquake Rubble Warehouse
5. Drive-by Dogg's Gang-Related Incarcerarium
4. Hollywood Streewalker Hall O' Fame
3. La Brea Arm Pits
2. Guggenheim Museum of Industrial Toxic Waste and Wartime Atrocities
And the number one L.A. amusement park or attraction...
1. 7th Circuit Court's Divorce-a-Thon '05
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/98)
10. Shoot 'n' Loot: Where Miniature Golf Is A Riot!
9. Dr. Fahad's Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
8. Six Flags' Magic Mushroom (and Sealing Wax Museum)
7. Knott's Berry Prison Farm
6. Shovel-n-Sav Earthquake Rubble Warehouse
5. Drive-by Dogg's Gang-Related Incarcerarium
4. Hollywood Streewalker Hall O' Fame
3. La Brea Arm Pits
2. Guggenheim Museum of Industrial Toxic Waste and Wartime Atrocities
And the number one L.A. amusement park or attraction...
1. 7th Circuit Court's Divorce-a-Thon '05
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/98)
Monday, July 25, 2005
TOP TEN BAGHWAN SHREE HAJ RASHNEESH PET PEEVES
Top Ten Baghwan Shree Haj Rashneesh Pet Peeves
10. As soon as you start to really contemplate a grain of rice, the phone always rings.
9. When your chakra gets folded with your dharma in the wash.
8. The way Ken Starr won't wrap up his investigation anytime soon.
7. Climbing 10,000 feet only to discover your isolated cave is being occupied by some OTHER Most Holy Baghwan Sari Haj.
6. Ashram cooks who are stingy with the tofu.
5. Trying to get the baseball cap of your favorite team to fit over your turban during the playoffs.
4. The Spice Girls just don't sound the same now that Ginger quit.
3. Trying to sneak a cow through security at Houston International Airport.
2. Loincloths don't cover, boxer's don't offer enough support, yet briefs are too tight.
And the number one Baghwan Shree Haj Rashneesh pet peeve...
1. Trying not to laugh out loud at that hilarious Chihuahua while sitting through a Taco Bell commercial during a hunger strike.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/20/98)
10. As soon as you start to really contemplate a grain of rice, the phone always rings.
9. When your chakra gets folded with your dharma in the wash.
8. The way Ken Starr won't wrap up his investigation anytime soon.
7. Climbing 10,000 feet only to discover your isolated cave is being occupied by some OTHER Most Holy Baghwan Sari Haj.
6. Ashram cooks who are stingy with the tofu.
5. Trying to get the baseball cap of your favorite team to fit over your turban during the playoffs.
4. The Spice Girls just don't sound the same now that Ginger quit.
3. Trying to sneak a cow through security at Houston International Airport.
2. Loincloths don't cover, boxer's don't offer enough support, yet briefs are too tight.
And the number one Baghwan Shree Haj Rashneesh pet peeve...
1. Trying not to laugh out loud at that hilarious Chihuahua while sitting through a Taco Bell commercial during a hunger strike.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/20/98)
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG THERAPIST
Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Therapist
10. For half price, she offers to take you through only six of the twelve steps.
9. Encourages you to act on your homicidal fantasies towards Kathie Lee Gifford on the grounds that no jury would convict you.
8. His business card contains the spelling mistake "Sigmund Fraud."
7. Refers to masturbation as "releasing your inner child."
6. Sends you to an "anger workshop" when what you're really stuck in is denial.
5. Your sessions include driving to a bar "for a quick drink."
4. After your "fear of abandonment" revelation, he leaves the room so you can be alone for awhile.
3. Prescribes Zoloft, Valium, and Crystal Meth.
2. Her nickname: Drill Sergeant Happiness.
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong therapist...
1. You curl up into the fetal position while vulnerable, he asks: "Has anyone ever told you, you have a great ass?"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/19/98)
10. For half price, she offers to take you through only six of the twelve steps.
9. Encourages you to act on your homicidal fantasies towards Kathie Lee Gifford on the grounds that no jury would convict you.
8. His business card contains the spelling mistake "Sigmund Fraud."
7. Refers to masturbation as "releasing your inner child."
6. Sends you to an "anger workshop" when what you're really stuck in is denial.
5. Your sessions include driving to a bar "for a quick drink."
4. After your "fear of abandonment" revelation, he leaves the room so you can be alone for awhile.
3. Prescribes Zoloft, Valium, and Crystal Meth.
2. Her nickname: Drill Sergeant Happiness.
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong therapist...
1. You curl up into the fetal position while vulnerable, he asks: "Has anyone ever told you, you have a great ass?"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/19/98)
Saturday, July 16, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS ON COURTNEY LOVE'S "TO DO" LIST
Top Ten Things on Courtney Love's "To Do" List
10. Heroin
9. Buy lipstick
8. Bake cookies. Garnish with Prozac.
7. Have attorney contest results of herpes exam
6. Awkwardly hit on Justin Timberlake
5. Live through this
4. Fill vacancy in Hole
3. Party till her connection calls, then she'll return the key
2. Lunch with Yoko
And the number one thing on Courtney Love's "to do" list...
1. Purge
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/16/05)
And the alternate...
Sue band
10. Heroin
9. Buy lipstick
8. Bake cookies. Garnish with Prozac.
7. Have attorney contest results of herpes exam
6. Awkwardly hit on Justin Timberlake
5. Live through this
4. Fill vacancy in Hole
3. Party till her connection calls, then she'll return the key
2. Lunch with Yoko
And the number one thing on Courtney Love's "to do" list...
1. Purge
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/16/05)
And the alternate...
Sue band
Sunday, July 10, 2005
GETTING TO KNOW ME
Yet even more SPAM than Hormel...
1. Full name?
-Aloyisious Chester Jason Rohrblogger
2. Were you named after anyone?
-My nominal father Aloyisious Chester P. Diddy Rohrblogger
3. Do you wish on stars?
-Is Corey Feldman a star? Cause I wish on him alot.
4. When did you last cry?
-My tears are shorting-out the keyboard as I type this...
5. Do you like your handwriting?
-Depends on what I'm writing
6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
-Porn
7. What is your birth date?
-March first. I'm a Pisces! Gooooo fish!
8. What is your most embarrassing CD?
-Sweatin' to the Moldies
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself?
-Bitter, life-long mortal enemies
10. Are you a daredevil?
-I'm a dareangel
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
-I told you I was a dareangel, didn't I?
12. Do looks matter?
-Why, what are you looking at?
13. How do you release anger?
-Back into the wild
14. Where is your second home?
-My lovely cubicle overlooking the scenic parking lot
15. Do you trust others too easily?
-Why do you ask? What are you hiding?
16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-The hearts of young girls
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?
-Inglish. I mean, like, c'mon, I totally speek it already, yo.
18. Do you have a journal?
-Nope.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
-Maybe.
20. Favorite movie(s)?
-Flash Dance, Grease, Sound of Music, Scarface
21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames?
-John Holmes, Emailinator, LuvBot
22. Would you bungee jump?
-Who is bungee? And who else has jumped her?
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
-I untie my shoes and, occasionally, my hostages.
24. Do you think that you are strong?
-Yes, but smell isn't everything.
25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
-Beyoncé
26. What size shoe do you wear?
-Twelve. What's your point?
27. What are your favorite colors?
-United colors of Benetton
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
-My inability to tolerate kryptonite
29. Who do you miss most?
-Pee Wee Herman. That guy was all class.
30. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back?
-Perhaps.
31. What color pants are your wearing?
-White (with black thong)
32. What are you listening to right now?
-The sound of one hand. Clapping.
33. What was the last thing you ate?
-California Condor omelette
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
-Violent Blue
35. What is the weather like right now?
-Sarcastic with a 10% chance of funny
36. Last person you talked to on the phone?
-District Attorney
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
-Her enormous brains
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
-Oh, my, yes.
40. Favorite Drink?
-Jameson and milk
41. Favorite Sport?
-Synchronized bitching
42. Hair Color?
-Paisley
43. Eye Color?
-Red
44. Do you wear contacts?
-Uh-uh.
45. Favorite Food?
-Fast.
46. Last Movie You Watched?
-Behind the Green Door
47. Favorite Day of the Year?
-Your birthday
48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
-I love a happy ending.
49. Summer or winter?
-Suminter
50. Hugs or kisses?
-Hugs that lead to kisses
51. What is Your Favorite Dessert?
-Mohave
52. Who is Most Likely to Respond?
-Aurora
53. Who is Least Likely to Respond?
-Spicy Pants
54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation?
-Abu Ghraib. Does it cost extra for the hood?
55. What Books are you reading?
-Moby Dick II: Whalin' in Paradise
56. What's on your mouse pad?
-Eeek! A mouse!
57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV?
-Porno
58. Favorite Smells?
-Bus station bathroom
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
-Rolling Beatles
60. What's the furthest you've been away from home?
-I went to the mailbox once
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/10/05)
1. Full name?
-Aloyisious Chester Jason Rohrblogger
2. Were you named after anyone?
-My nominal father Aloyisious Chester P. Diddy Rohrblogger
3. Do you wish on stars?
-Is Corey Feldman a star? Cause I wish on him alot.
4. When did you last cry?
-My tears are shorting-out the keyboard as I type this...
5. Do you like your handwriting?
-Depends on what I'm writing
6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
-Porn
7. What is your birth date?
-March first. I'm a Pisces! Gooooo fish!
8. What is your most embarrassing CD?
-Sweatin' to the Moldies
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself?
-Bitter, life-long mortal enemies
10. Are you a daredevil?
-I'm a dareangel
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
-I told you I was a dareangel, didn't I?
12. Do looks matter?
-Why, what are you looking at?
13. How do you release anger?
-Back into the wild
14. Where is your second home?
-My lovely cubicle overlooking the scenic parking lot
15. Do you trust others too easily?
-Why do you ask? What are you hiding?
16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-The hearts of young girls
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?
-Inglish. I mean, like, c'mon, I totally speek it already, yo.
18. Do you have a journal?
-Nope.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
-Maybe.
20. Favorite movie(s)?
-Flash Dance, Grease, Sound of Music, Scarface
21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames?
-John Holmes, Emailinator, LuvBot
22. Would you bungee jump?
-Who is bungee? And who else has jumped her?
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
-I untie my shoes and, occasionally, my hostages.
24. Do you think that you are strong?
-Yes, but smell isn't everything.
25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
-Beyoncé
26. What size shoe do you wear?
-Twelve. What's your point?
27. What are your favorite colors?
-United colors of Benetton
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
-My inability to tolerate kryptonite
29. Who do you miss most?
-Pee Wee Herman. That guy was all class.
30. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back?
-Perhaps.
31. What color pants are your wearing?
-White (with black thong)
32. What are you listening to right now?
-The sound of one hand. Clapping.
33. What was the last thing you ate?
-California Condor omelette
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
-Violent Blue
35. What is the weather like right now?
-Sarcastic with a 10% chance of funny
36. Last person you talked to on the phone?
-District Attorney
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
-Her enormous brains
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
-Oh, my, yes.
40. Favorite Drink?
-Jameson and milk
41. Favorite Sport?
-Synchronized bitching
42. Hair Color?
-Paisley
43. Eye Color?
-Red
44. Do you wear contacts?
-Uh-uh.
45. Favorite Food?
-Fast.
46. Last Movie You Watched?
-Behind the Green Door
47. Favorite Day of the Year?
-Your birthday
48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
-I love a happy ending.
49. Summer or winter?
-Suminter
50. Hugs or kisses?
-Hugs that lead to kisses
51. What is Your Favorite Dessert?
-Mohave
52. Who is Most Likely to Respond?
-Aurora
53. Who is Least Likely to Respond?
-Spicy Pants
54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation?
-Abu Ghraib. Does it cost extra for the hood?
55. What Books are you reading?
-Moby Dick II: Whalin' in Paradise
56. What's on your mouse pad?
-Eeek! A mouse!
57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV?
-Porno
58. Favorite Smells?
-Bus station bathroom
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
-Rolling Beatles
60. What's the furthest you've been away from home?
-I went to the mailbox once
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/10/05)
Thursday, July 07, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED GODZILLA VILLAINS
Top Ten Rejected Godzilla Villains
10. Mothra Fockra
9. Accountantron
8. Megasloth
7. Insecticlam
6. Menstruzoid
5. Spartacus
4. Darth Vadra
3. Satanzilla
2. Spambot
And the number one rejected Godzilla villain...
1. Spermatazoa
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)
And the alternates...
Freakazoid
Neo-Maxi Zoondweebie
Chlamydia
Sideshow Bobzilla
Hans Blofeld
Alcoholic Stupor
10. Mothra Fockra
9. Accountantron
8. Megasloth
7. Insecticlam
6. Menstruzoid
5. Spartacus
4. Darth Vadra
3. Satanzilla
2. Spambot
And the number one rejected Godzilla villain...
1. Spermatazoa
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)
And the alternates...
Freakazoid
Neo-Maxi Zoondweebie
Chlamydia
Sideshow Bobzilla
Hans Blofeld
Alcoholic Stupor
Friday, July 01, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED DAYS OF THE WEEK
Top Ten Rejected Days of the Week
10. Pukesday
9. Splatterday
8. Hyundai
7. Nightinday
6. Mensday
5. Herpesday
4. Frauday
3. Taxday
2. Runday
And the number one rejected day of the week...
1. Dayday
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)
10. Pukesday
9. Splatterday
8. Hyundai
7. Nightinday
6. Mensday
5. Herpesday
4. Frauday
3. Taxday
2. Runday
And the number one rejected day of the week...
1. Dayday
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ITEMS OF FRENCH CUISINE
Top Ten Least Popular Items of French Cuisine
10. Soufflégm
9. Escarbot
8. Créme Malaise
7. Beurre Blank
6. Blew Cheese
5. Mise en glass
4. Beyoncé
3. Fellatio
2. Frottage Cheese
And the number one least popular item of french cuisine...
1. Toenails Foster
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/05)
10. Soufflégm
9. Escarbot
8. Créme Malaise
7. Beurre Blank
6. Blew Cheese
5. Mise en glass
4. Beyoncé
3. Fellatio
2. Frottage Cheese
And the number one least popular item of french cuisine...
1. Toenails Foster
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/05)
Saturday, June 25, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS JASON ROHRBLOGGER DOES TO RELAX
Note: apparently I have been tagged with a "meme." I have absolutely no idea what that is. Aurora? A little help here? What's a meme? Anyhoo - click on the main title above to see what I am talking about. SJ, you, uh, asked for it. I have been challenged to write a list on this topic:
Top Ten Things Jason Rohrblogger Does to Relax
10. Taxes
9. Hot poker massage
8. Eat a heaping plate of Viagra with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
7. Take the (short) bus
6. Finish punching-up screenplay for Tinkerbell Hilton
5. Watch entire season one of "The Greatest American Hero." "Believe it or not, I'm blogging on air..."
4. Cappuccino colon cleanse
3. Mutter "ten minutes to Wapner" over and over...
2. Tinker with my macaroni-based doomsday device. I'm finally going to show them all!
And the number one thing Jason Rohrblogger does to relax...
1. Low-carb heroin
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/23/05)
And the alternates...
Take a gander over yonder
Myofascial release
Club Oprah's book
Gambol online
Top Ten Things Jason Rohrblogger Does to Relax
10. Taxes
9. Hot poker massage
8. Eat a heaping plate of Viagra with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
7. Take the (short) bus
6. Finish punching-up screenplay for Tinkerbell Hilton
5. Watch entire season one of "The Greatest American Hero." "Believe it or not, I'm blogging on air..."
4. Cappuccino colon cleanse
3. Mutter "ten minutes to Wapner" over and over...
2. Tinker with my macaroni-based doomsday device. I'm finally going to show them all!
And the number one thing Jason Rohrblogger does to relax...
1. Low-carb heroin
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/23/05)
And the alternates...
Take a gander over yonder
Myofascial release
Club Oprah's book
Gambol online
Sunday, June 19, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS CHARACTERS
Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Characters
10. Bylgates
9. Jabbawocky
8. Myyshaa a'Rona
7. Darth Fluffy
6. Grimace
5. Snoop Bantha Banth
4. Mace Windex
3. Mason Jar Jar
2. Chewbacco
And the number one rejected Star Wars Character...
1. Spock
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/13/05)
And the alternate...
Nox Equus
10. Bylgates
9. Jabbawocky
8. Myyshaa a'Rona
7. Darth Fluffy
6. Grimace
5. Snoop Bantha Banth
4. Mace Windex
3. Mason Jar Jar
2. Chewbacco
And the number one rejected Star Wars Character...
1. Spock
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/13/05)
And the alternate...
Nox Equus
Thursday, June 16, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS JASON ROHRBLOGGER HAS A SUMMER COLD
Top Ten Signs Jason Rohrblogger Has a Summer Cold
10. Using even more Kleenex than usual
9. Stupor no longer caused by daily crack supplement
8. Pours DayQuil on his Frosted Flakes
7. Dry hacking cough attracting hot respiratory therapists
6. Sleep routine extended 30 minutes to a full 23 hours a day
5. Toxic social behavior punctuated with gobs of snot
4. Fever starting to melt bodies packed in cooler
3. Can no longer taste delicious Purina Bachelor Chow
2. More congested than Manhattan
And the number one sign Jason Rohrblogger has a summer cold...
1. Voices in aching head screaming for vitamin C
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)
10. Using even more Kleenex than usual
9. Stupor no longer caused by daily crack supplement
8. Pours DayQuil on his Frosted Flakes
7. Dry hacking cough attracting hot respiratory therapists
6. Sleep routine extended 30 minutes to a full 23 hours a day
5. Toxic social behavior punctuated with gobs of snot
4. Fever starting to melt bodies packed in cooler
3. Can no longer taste delicious Purina Bachelor Chow
2. More congested than Manhattan
And the number one sign Jason Rohrblogger has a summer cold...
1. Voices in aching head screaming for vitamin C
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)
Monday, June 13, 2005
TOP TEN MICHAEL JACKSON JURY PET PEEVES
Top Ten Michael Jackson Jury Pet Peeves
10. Stepping on fallen pieces of nose
9. The glove fits, can they still acquit?
8. Bubbles the Chimp insists on smoking on the stand
7. Tour of Neverland included music from the album Invincible
6. Every time the judge enters the courtroom the entire defense team does the dance routine from "Thriller"
5. Hard-to-believe testimony from 11-year-old accuser. Everyone knows 11 is way too old for Michael
4. Both plaintiff and defendant failed psychiatric evaluation
3. Creepy way accuser's mother pimps him for beer money
2. Creepy way defendant licks his lips when recess is called
And the number one Michael Jackson jury pet peeve...
1. Can't change the channel when Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin, and Corey Feldman come on
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)
10. Stepping on fallen pieces of nose
9. The glove fits, can they still acquit?
8. Bubbles the Chimp insists on smoking on the stand
7. Tour of Neverland included music from the album Invincible
6. Every time the judge enters the courtroom the entire defense team does the dance routine from "Thriller"
5. Hard-to-believe testimony from 11-year-old accuser. Everyone knows 11 is way too old for Michael
4. Both plaintiff and defendant failed psychiatric evaluation
3. Creepy way accuser's mother pimps him for beer money
2. Creepy way defendant licks his lips when recess is called
And the number one Michael Jackson jury pet peeve...
1. Can't change the channel when Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin, and Corey Feldman come on
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)
Friday, May 27, 2005
TOP TEN REASONS JASON IS ON HIATUS
Rohrblogger won't be updated for a couple of weeks. Do enjoy our lovely archives, won't you?
Top Ten Reasons Jason Is on Hiatus
10. Gotta train a race of super squirrels to do laundry
9. This Smirnoff-and-SlimFast ain't gonna drink itself
8. Rug burn
7. Got your chocolate in my peanut butter
6. Picking up an extra shift at the humor-packing plant
5. Can't talk. "CSI: Dubuque" is on.
4. Standing in line for the next Star Wars
3. Attracting too many ravenous groupies
2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals
And the number one reason Jason is on hiatus...
1. Could only think of nine reasons
-Rohrblogger out...
(05/27/05)
Top Ten Reasons Jason Is on Hiatus
10. Gotta train a race of super squirrels to do laundry
9. This Smirnoff-and-SlimFast ain't gonna drink itself
8. Rug burn
7. Got your chocolate in my peanut butter
6. Picking up an extra shift at the humor-packing plant
5. Can't talk. "CSI: Dubuque" is on.
4. Standing in line for the next Star Wars
3. Attracting too many ravenous groupies
2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals
And the number one reason Jason is on hiatus...
1. Could only think of nine reasons
-Rohrblogger out...
(05/27/05)
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN ABU GHRAIB PRISON
Top Ten Signs You Work in Abu Ghraib Prison
10. Your diplomatic pouch holds a list of questions, a riding crop, and fishnet stockings.
9. You teach inmates dance steps like the Lynndie Hop.
8. You threaten recalcitrant terrorists with a rubber hose and panty hose.
7. Time in the interrogation room costs $1.99 a minute.
6. Your turn-ons are mustaches, honesty, and long walks on Guantanamo Bay.
5. Charges include rape, murder, and terrorist threats. And that's just the staff.
4. Your persuasion methods are Chinese water torture, Russian roulette, and Brazilian wax.
3. Your commanding officer gives you a direct order to "Bring out the Gimp."
2. You anger the entire Muslim world by replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.
And the number one sign you work in Abu Ghraib Prison...
1. The photos of your office Christmas party have all the best parts digitally blurred.
-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Blogerts
(05/28/04)
10. Your diplomatic pouch holds a list of questions, a riding crop, and fishnet stockings.
9. You teach inmates dance steps like the Lynndie Hop.
8. You threaten recalcitrant terrorists with a rubber hose and panty hose.
7. Time in the interrogation room costs $1.99 a minute.
6. Your turn-ons are mustaches, honesty, and long walks on Guantanamo Bay.
5. Charges include rape, murder, and terrorist threats. And that's just the staff.
4. Your persuasion methods are Chinese water torture, Russian roulette, and Brazilian wax.
3. Your commanding officer gives you a direct order to "Bring out the Gimp."
2. You anger the entire Muslim world by replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.
And the number one sign you work in Abu Ghraib Prison...
1. The photos of your office Christmas party have all the best parts digitally blurred.
-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Blogerts
(05/28/04)
Monday, May 23, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS JASON KNOWS ABOUT LOVE
Top Ten Things Jason Knows About Love
10. Nothing.
9. Love is patient, love is kind, love never seeks its own way--ah screw it, love sucks!
8. Self-love is the most important love of all. Especially on cold lonely nights.
7. Love bites. (Sorry, that is something Ratt knows about Love)
6. If you love something, set it free. Then take massive amounts of drugs and alcohol to get over the loss.
5. Love means never having to say your sorry ass screwed up.
4. You would do it if you loved me.
3. Love is something to be shared secretly between two people in a closet or back alley and then lied about to the Grand Jury.
2. On a cruise ship, love won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile, on a
friendly shore.
And the number one thing Jason knows about love...
1. See number ten.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/22/98)
10. Nothing.
9. Love is patient, love is kind, love never seeks its own way--ah screw it, love sucks!
8. Self-love is the most important love of all. Especially on cold lonely nights.
7. Love bites. (Sorry, that is something Ratt knows about Love)
6. If you love something, set it free. Then take massive amounts of drugs and alcohol to get over the loss.
5. Love means never having to say your sorry ass screwed up.
4. You would do it if you loved me.
3. Love is something to be shared secretly between two people in a closet or back alley and then lied about to the Grand Jury.
2. On a cruise ship, love won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile, on a
friendly shore.
And the number one thing Jason knows about love...
1. See number ten.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/22/98)
Saturday, May 21, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER MOVIES SEQUELS
Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels
10. Cold Mountain Deux
9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise
8. Debbie Does Baghdad
7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton
6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder
5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer
4. Chasing Amy's Papi
3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo
2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party
And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...
1. You Got Smurfed
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)
And the alternates...
Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pi
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
10. Cold Mountain Deux
9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise
8. Debbie Does Baghdad
7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton
6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder
5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer
4. Chasing Amy's Papi
3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo
2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party
And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...
1. You Got Smurfed
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)
And the alternates...
Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pi
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
Thursday, May 19, 2005
TOP TEN CHEWBACCA TURN-ONS
Top Ten Chewbacca Turn-Ons
10. Fresh cut flowers
9. Handwritten poetry on fine stationary
8. A hot bubble bath and flea dip
7. Bounty hunters who can't make the jump to hyperspace
6. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou
5. Wookiees who are "real"
4. Replacing the fine coffee normally served on the Millennium Falcon with that hilarious Chihuahua
3. Tavern sponsored Ewok tossing contests
2. Retooling the ion drive from a stock proton particle subverter to a really bitchin' custom dilithium hyper-light quark inverting atomic star thumper with twin chrome exhaust ports. Then cruising the Dairy Queen on Yavin.
And the number one Chewbacca turn-on...
1. A well oiled cross bow--if you know what I mean...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/23/98)
10. Fresh cut flowers
9. Handwritten poetry on fine stationary
8. A hot bubble bath and flea dip
7. Bounty hunters who can't make the jump to hyperspace
6. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou
5. Wookiees who are "real"
4. Replacing the fine coffee normally served on the Millennium Falcon with that hilarious Chihuahua
3. Tavern sponsored Ewok tossing contests
2. Retooling the ion drive from a stock proton particle subverter to a really bitchin' custom dilithium hyper-light quark inverting atomic star thumper with twin chrome exhaust ports. Then cruising the Dairy Queen on Yavin.
And the number one Chewbacca turn-on...
1. A well oiled cross bow--if you know what I mean...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/23/98)
Sunday, May 15, 2005
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW STAR WARS PREQUEL
Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Prequel
10. In a fit of rage, Obi-Wan Kenobi threatens to make Darth Vader his bitch
9. Interplanetary rivalry characterized by fly-by shootings
8. Chewbacca isn't just a member of the Hair Club for Wookiee's, he's also the president
7. Wearing leather and chains, Yoda helps his live-in disciple, a talking Chihuahua, "feel the force"
6. Boba Fett admits that after a long day of bounty hunting, he just wants to be held
5. Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa played by the Olsen twins.
4. Anakin Skywalker is led to the Dark Side by Evil Lord of the Sith, Bylgates ken-Starr
3. An under-rated rag-tag band of plucky rebels, though hopelessly outgunned and exponentially outnumbered, manage to gather enough grit and courage for a one-in-a-million surgical blow to the vastly superior enemy and--get this--pull a spectacular victory out of the jaws of certain defeat anyway
2. In order to pay for the exhorbitant special effects, ticket prices will be raised to $39.95
And the number one surprise in the new Star Wars Prequel...
1. The Emperor has new clothes
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/98)
And the alternates...
Darth Vader is also Chewbacca's father
Jabba the Hutt admits he has a weight problem because he was teased as a child
Jar Jar Binks finishes up his doctorate in cultural studies
Grand Moff Tarkin exposed as neither grand nor moff
Mace Windu quotes a long bible verse before blowing away his enemies
Yoda uses the Force to scare those damn kids off his lawn
10. In a fit of rage, Obi-Wan Kenobi threatens to make Darth Vader his bitch
9. Interplanetary rivalry characterized by fly-by shootings
8. Chewbacca isn't just a member of the Hair Club for Wookiee's, he's also the president
7. Wearing leather and chains, Yoda helps his live-in disciple, a talking Chihuahua, "feel the force"
6. Boba Fett admits that after a long day of bounty hunting, he just wants to be held
5. Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa played by the Olsen twins.
4. Anakin Skywalker is led to the Dark Side by Evil Lord of the Sith, Bylgates ken-Starr
3. An under-rated rag-tag band of plucky rebels, though hopelessly outgunned and exponentially outnumbered, manage to gather enough grit and courage for a one-in-a-million surgical blow to the vastly superior enemy and--get this--pull a spectacular victory out of the jaws of certain defeat anyway
2. In order to pay for the exhorbitant special effects, ticket prices will be raised to $39.95
And the number one surprise in the new Star Wars Prequel...
1. The Emperor has new clothes
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/98)
And the alternates...
Darth Vader is also Chewbacca's father
Jabba the Hutt admits he has a weight problem because he was teased as a child
Jar Jar Binks finishes up his doctorate in cultural studies
Grand Moff Tarkin exposed as neither grand nor moff
Mace Windu quotes a long bible verse before blowing away his enemies
Yoda uses the Force to scare those damn kids off his lawn
Friday, May 13, 2005
TOP TEN SCOTT PETERSON EXCUSES
Top Ten Scott Peterson Excuses
10. Divorce is messy and it would have involved all kinds of court and lawyers
9. Did it to impress Jody Foster
8. Mistook pregnant wife for giant white whale
7. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!
6. Wasn't getting enough prison sex from his wife and mistress
5. She was going to name child "Connor" not Prince Scott II
4. Thought you had to kill your wife as initiation into Hair Club for Men
3. Fetus was looking at him funny
2. Just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits
And the number one Scott Peterson excuse...
1. Wife and child weren't going to kill themselves
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/13/05)
And the alternates...
Was listening to the voices in his SPAM: thought he only had to kill one more family member to win iPod
Is sociopathic wonderkind
Started out as harmless Christmas prank that got out of hand
10. Divorce is messy and it would have involved all kinds of court and lawyers
9. Did it to impress Jody Foster
8. Mistook pregnant wife for giant white whale
7. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!
6. Wasn't getting enough prison sex from his wife and mistress
5. She was going to name child "Connor" not Prince Scott II
4. Thought you had to kill your wife as initiation into Hair Club for Men
3. Fetus was looking at him funny
2. Just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits
And the number one Scott Peterson excuse...
1. Wife and child weren't going to kill themselves
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/13/05)
And the alternates...
Was listening to the voices in his SPAM: thought he only had to kill one more family member to win iPod
Is sociopathic wonderkind
Started out as harmless Christmas prank that got out of hand
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED TOP LEVEL DOMAIN (TLD) NAMES
Top Ten Rejected Top Level Domain (TLD) Names
10. .arrrrgh!
9. .con
8. .federline
7. .dot
6. .spork
5. .halliburton
4. .fu
3. .trek
2. .hell
And the number one rejected top level domain (TLD) name...
1. .rohrblogger
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/05)
10. .arrrrgh!
9. .con
8. .federline
7. .dot
6. .spork
5. .halliburton
4. .fu
3. .trek
2. .hell
And the number one rejected top level domain (TLD) name...
1. .rohrblogger
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/05)
Monday, May 09, 2005
YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
Getting to know me: yet another e-mail chain letter...
1. What time did you get up this morning?
-The butt crack o' noon.
2. Diamonds or pearls?
-I love a pearl necklace...
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge
4. What is your favorite TV show: Survivor, Sex & The City, or The Amazing Race?
-Sex & The Amazing Survivor Race
5. What did you have for breakfast?
-Slim Fast and Rogaine
6. What is your middle name?
-Phineas
7. Favorite cuisine?
-Lean
8. What foods do you dislike?
-Anything made by elves
9. What is your favorite chip flavor?
-Microchip
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
-Learn French with Richard Simmons
11. What kind of car do you drive?
-1909 Ford Model A (Turbo)
12. Favorite sandwich?
-Mmmm, Olsen Twin Sandwich
13. What characteristic do you despise?
-Intelligence
14. Favorite item of clothing?
-Leash
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
-Fallujah
16. What color is your bathroom?
-Off Eggshell
17. Favorite brand of clothing?
-Wonderbra
18. Where would you retire to?
-West Bank
19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-Liver transplant, 36.
21. Favorite sport to watch?
-Porn
22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
-Bob Dole
23. Person who will answer first?
-My attorney
24. What fabric detergent do you use?
-Crest
25. When is your birthday?
-March first. I'm a Pisces, yo. Heah ta reprezizent! Fish up in tha hizzay! Boo ta tha yah, ma zodiacal bruthuhs from uther muthahs. Lemme heah ya say "watah sign!" Splish ta tha splizzash...
26. When is your anniversary?
-I was released back into the wild on August 30th.
27. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-I'm always a person, silly!
28. What is your shoe size?
-Um, 12. What's your point?
29. Pets:
-One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing.
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
-I can change my own oil.
31. What did you want to be when you were little?
-A beautiful butterfly!
32. What are you today?
-A regular butterfly.
33. What is your favorite candy?
-Britney Spears. Wait, are tarts candy?
34. What is your favorite flower?
-Anything by Georgia O'Queef
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/09/04)
1. What time did you get up this morning?
-The butt crack o' noon.
2. Diamonds or pearls?
-I love a pearl necklace...
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge
4. What is your favorite TV show: Survivor, Sex & The City, or The Amazing Race?
-Sex & The Amazing Survivor Race
5. What did you have for breakfast?
-Slim Fast and Rogaine
6. What is your middle name?
-Phineas
7. Favorite cuisine?
-Lean
8. What foods do you dislike?
-Anything made by elves
9. What is your favorite chip flavor?
-Microchip
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
-Learn French with Richard Simmons
11. What kind of car do you drive?
-1909 Ford Model A (Turbo)
12. Favorite sandwich?
-Mmmm, Olsen Twin Sandwich
13. What characteristic do you despise?
-Intelligence
14. Favorite item of clothing?
-Leash
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
-Fallujah
16. What color is your bathroom?
-Off Eggshell
17. Favorite brand of clothing?
-Wonderbra
18. Where would you retire to?
-West Bank
19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-Liver transplant, 36.
21. Favorite sport to watch?
-Porn
22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
-Bob Dole
23. Person who will answer first?
-My attorney
24. What fabric detergent do you use?
-Crest
25. When is your birthday?
-March first. I'm a Pisces, yo. Heah ta reprezizent! Fish up in tha hizzay! Boo ta tha yah, ma zodiacal bruthuhs from uther muthahs. Lemme heah ya say "watah sign!" Splish ta tha splizzash...
26. When is your anniversary?
-I was released back into the wild on August 30th.
27. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-I'm always a person, silly!
28. What is your shoe size?
-Um, 12. What's your point?
29. Pets:
-One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing.
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
-I can change my own oil.
31. What did you want to be when you were little?
-A beautiful butterfly!
32. What are you today?
-A regular butterfly.
33. What is your favorite candy?
-Britney Spears. Wait, are tarts candy?
34. What is your favorite flower?
-Anything by Georgia O'Queef
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/09/04)
Saturday, May 07, 2005
TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S SUMMER IN L.A.
Top Ten Signs It's Summer in L.A.
10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall
9. Smog layer glistens
8. Busses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest
7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30
5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations
4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer
3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs
2. Marines storm Tara Reid's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes
And the number one sign it's summer in L.A....
1. Film critics praise screening of "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)
And the alternate...
Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames
10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall
9. Smog layer glistens
8. Busses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest
7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30
5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations
4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer
3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs
2. Marines storm Tara Reid's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes
And the number one sign it's summer in L.A....
1. Film critics praise screening of "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)
And the alternate...
Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames
Thursday, May 05, 2005
PAPAL STARTER KIT
Papal Starter Kit
Just had an address change from Munich to the Vatican?
Here are some Papal Points to help you get jiggy with Jesus...
COMMUNION SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Only administered to Catholics
BETTER: Eucharistic transubstantiation
BAD: 2for1 on Thursdays with Dollar Drafts and U-Call-It Shots
THE INQUISITION:
GOOD: Was a shameful mistake
BETTER: Should be formally apologized for
BAD: Clearly didn't finish the job
THE MODERN PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Put to a worldwide church vote
BETTER: Televised internationally
BAD: Hereditary
EVOLUTION IS:
GOOD: Merely a theory at best
BETTER: Proof that God really does exist
BAD: The sickest roller coaster at Busch Gardens, boo yah! Rode it.
CONDOMS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: A last resort
BETTER: Banned from the planet
BAD: Ribbed for her pleasure
MEL GIBSON IS:
GOOD: A devout Catholic disciple
BETTER: Spreading the Gospel through cinema
BAD: Directing "The Passion II: Beyond Thunderdome"
YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE:
GOOD: Consolidate power in Rome
BETTER: Create an orthodoxy for the 21st Century
BAD: Annex the Sudetenland
THE LAY PEOPLE SHOULD:
GOOD: Tithe regularly
BETTER: Unquestioningly accept the word of the Vatican
BAD: Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed.
ALL PRIESTS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Celibate men
BETTER: Virgins
BAD: Exiled to Neverland
ALL NUNS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Cloistered in an abbey
BETTER: Subordinate to the priesthood
BAD: Working the silver pole for Jesus
THE HOLY SEE SHOULD HELP THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT TALK TO:
GOOD: A spiritual adviser
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: The hand
VATICAN III SHOULD BE:
GOOD: The clarification of ecumenical values
BETTER: A world-inclusive manifesto
BAD: The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a heart-seeking missal epistle
YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF ADDRESS:
GOOD: Blessed Father
BETTER: Most Holy See
BAD: Joey "Eggs" Benedict
THE POPEMOBILE SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Opened up to allow more access
BETTER: Equipped with a public address system
BAD: Tricked out with some really bitchin' exhaust pipes and a Holley carb
FOR WRITING THIS PIECE JASON ROHRBLOGGER WILL:
GOOD: Be writing Top Ten Lists in Hell
BETTER: Be forced to come up with a less hackneyed premise
BAD: Get to play "altar boy" with Cardinal Richelieu in the rectory
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/05)
Just had an address change from Munich to the Vatican?
Here are some Papal Points to help you get jiggy with Jesus...
COMMUNION SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Only administered to Catholics
BETTER: Eucharistic transubstantiation
BAD: 2for1 on Thursdays with Dollar Drafts and U-Call-It Shots
THE INQUISITION:
GOOD: Was a shameful mistake
BETTER: Should be formally apologized for
BAD: Clearly didn't finish the job
THE MODERN PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Put to a worldwide church vote
BETTER: Televised internationally
BAD: Hereditary
EVOLUTION IS:
GOOD: Merely a theory at best
BETTER: Proof that God really does exist
BAD: The sickest roller coaster at Busch Gardens, boo yah! Rode it.
CONDOMS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: A last resort
BETTER: Banned from the planet
BAD: Ribbed for her pleasure
MEL GIBSON IS:
GOOD: A devout Catholic disciple
BETTER: Spreading the Gospel through cinema
BAD: Directing "The Passion II: Beyond Thunderdome"
YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE:
GOOD: Consolidate power in Rome
BETTER: Create an orthodoxy for the 21st Century
BAD: Annex the Sudetenland
THE LAY PEOPLE SHOULD:
GOOD: Tithe regularly
BETTER: Unquestioningly accept the word of the Vatican
BAD: Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed.
ALL PRIESTS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Celibate men
BETTER: Virgins
BAD: Exiled to Neverland
ALL NUNS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Cloistered in an abbey
BETTER: Subordinate to the priesthood
BAD: Working the silver pole for Jesus
THE HOLY SEE SHOULD HELP THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT TALK TO:
GOOD: A spiritual adviser
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: The hand
VATICAN III SHOULD BE:
GOOD: The clarification of ecumenical values
BETTER: A world-inclusive manifesto
BAD: The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a heart-seeking missal epistle
YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF ADDRESS:
GOOD: Blessed Father
BETTER: Most Holy See
BAD: Joey "Eggs" Benedict
THE POPEMOBILE SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Opened up to allow more access
BETTER: Equipped with a public address system
BAD: Tricked out with some really bitchin' exhaust pipes and a Holley carb
FOR WRITING THIS PIECE JASON ROHRBLOGGER WILL:
GOOD: Be writing Top Ten Lists in Hell
BETTER: Be forced to come up with a less hackneyed premise
BAD: Get to play "altar boy" with Cardinal Richelieu in the rectory
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/05)
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY ROBERT MAC WOULD THINK IS FUNNY
Top Ten Things Only Robert Mac Would Think is Funny
10. A blob, a stinky goat, and Thor walk into a mass store to buy a date from a palm tree. The checkout clerk asks, "what kind of bag?" Mickey says, "Hairbag, whatever."
9. Ðü∂ε! þùúûd€./ These peanut M&M's melt in my mouth and in my mind.
8. The only thing better than Laff's decor is the pay.
7. Q: How do you say goodbye to a prostitute?
A: Late, whore.
6. Congratulations, you've also won a year's supply of Minoxodil.
5. And the Award for Cultural Observation goes to...Genesis!
4. Meet JBA in HP, SFO for some South of Market Tenderloin. How Castro. (That isn't a bush and it ain't whispering!)
3. This is my first e-mail transmission...
2. Top three gay shows?
Mo Better Blues
Mo Money
Moesha
And the number one thing only Robert Mac would think is funny...
1. I can't get these pants over my juggs. β¡†©µ #◊∫³!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/00)
10. A blob, a stinky goat, and Thor walk into a mass store to buy a date from a palm tree. The checkout clerk asks, "what kind of bag?" Mickey says, "Hairbag, whatever."
9. Ðü∂ε! þùúûd€./ These peanut M&M's melt in my mouth and in my mind.
8. The only thing better than Laff's decor is the pay.
7. Q: How do you say goodbye to a prostitute?
A: Late, whore.
6. Congratulations, you've also won a year's supply of Minoxodil.
5. And the Award for Cultural Observation goes to...Genesis!
4. Meet JBA in HP, SFO for some South of Market Tenderloin. How Castro. (That isn't a bush and it ain't whispering!)
3. This is my first e-mail transmission...
2. Top three gay shows?
Mo Better Blues
Mo Money
Moesha
And the number one thing only Robert Mac would think is funny...
1. I can't get these pants over my juggs. β¡†©µ #◊∫³!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/00)
Sunday, May 01, 2005
JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE PAUL DEVEN TOP TEN LISTS OF ALL TIME
My friend and fellow comedian, Paul Deven, was recently in a fatal car accident. He was also a Top Ten List writer, so I have compiled here my fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time dedicated to his memory. Scroll down the next ten entries below this list or just click on the links in this list. Enjoy.
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time
10. Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys
9. Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors
8. Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz
7. Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers
6. Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books
5. Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs
4. Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains
3. Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies
2. Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave Paul Deven Top Ten List of all time...
1. Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/05)
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time
10. Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys
9. Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors
8. Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz
7. Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers
6. Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books
5. Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs
4. Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains
3. Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies
2. Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave Paul Deven Top Ten List of all time...
1. Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/05)
Friday, April 29, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED CHILDREN'S TOYS
Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys
10. Playdough Fuzzy Pumper Brie Factory
9. Syphilitic Barbie (Scabby Ken sold separately)
8. Mr. Leekhead
7. Don't Break the Ice or I'll Kill You!
6. Trivial Pursuit, GED Edition
5. Beavis and Butthead's Lincoln Logs (Heh, uh, heh, heh. Logs.)
4. Betty Crocker's Bake-Your-Own Paint Chips
3. O.J. Trial Actions Figures (assault and battery not included)
2. Pork Legos
And the number one rejected children's toy...
1. Don't Drink the Bong Water
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Playdough Fuzzy Pumper Brie Factory
9. Syphilitic Barbie (Scabby Ken sold separately)
8. Mr. Leekhead
7. Don't Break the Ice or I'll Kill You!
6. Trivial Pursuit, GED Edition
5. Beavis and Butthead's Lincoln Logs (Heh, uh, heh, heh. Logs.)
4. Betty Crocker's Bake-Your-Own Paint Chips
3. O.J. Trial Actions Figures (assault and battery not included)
2. Pork Legos
And the number one rejected children's toy...
1. Don't Drink the Bong Water
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE GUM FLAVORS
Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors
10. Gizzard
9. Pumice
8. Hair
7. Doublelint
6. Lymph
5. Juicy Newt
4. Cud
3. Stubble Yum
2. Clam
And the number one least favorite gum flavor...
1. Wrigley's Vap-o-mint
-Robert Paul Van deven
10. Gizzard
9. Pumice
8. Hair
7. Doublelint
6. Lymph
5. Juicy Newt
4. Cud
3. Stubble Yum
2. Clam
And the number one least favorite gum flavor...
1. Wrigley's Vap-o-mint
-Robert Paul Van deven
Monday, April 25, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN MAKE WITH CHEEZ WHIZ
Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz
10. Love
9. Intestinal Blockage
8. V-ger
7. Mouse Mousse
6. Oprah Bait
5. Lubricated Pants
4. Little balls of whizzy goodness
3. Any GM product
2. Flaccid Cheese Worms
And the number one thing you can make with Cheez Whiz...
1. The Arizona Wildcat Offense
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Love
9. Intestinal Blockage
8. V-ger
7. Mouse Mousse
6. Oprah Bait
5. Lubricated Pants
4. Little balls of whizzy goodness
3. Any GM product
2. Flaccid Cheese Worms
And the number one thing you can make with Cheez Whiz...
1. The Arizona Wildcat Offense
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Saturday, April 23, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED BUMPER STICKERS
Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers
10. What are you lookin' at, pig?
9. I am not driving my other car.
8. Wouldn't it be great if the Air Force had to sell a bomber to buy some cookies and little furry animals were our friends?
7. My kid is, like, smart and stuff.
6. I have no plants or fruit.
5. Don't blame me, I voted for poon.
4. Honk if you're surly.
3. I am going to kill you.
2. Expect a miracle if you are stoopid.
And the number one rejected bumper sticker...
1. I set O.J. free and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. What are you lookin' at, pig?
9. I am not driving my other car.
8. Wouldn't it be great if the Air Force had to sell a bomber to buy some cookies and little furry animals were our friends?
7. My kid is, like, smart and stuff.
6. I have no plants or fruit.
5. Don't blame me, I voted for poon.
4. Honk if you're surly.
3. I am going to kill you.
2. Expect a miracle if you are stoopid.
And the number one rejected bumper sticker...
1. I set O.J. free and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Thursday, April 21, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHILDREN'S BOOKS
Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books
10. How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day
9. See Spot Run...In Front of a Moving Bus
8. Encylopedia Brown Gets Shot by the Crips
7. Green Eggs and Armpit Jam
6. You're a Manic Depressive, Charlie Brown
5. The Babysitter's Club Sell Their Bodies
4. Babar's Giant Boil
3. Horton Hears Voices Urging Him to Kill
2. Willy Wonka and the Suppository Factory
And the number on least popular children's book...
1. The Auto-erotic Adventures of Curious George
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day
9. See Spot Run...In Front of a Moving Bus
8. Encylopedia Brown Gets Shot by the Crips
7. Green Eggs and Armpit Jam
6. You're a Manic Depressive, Charlie Brown
5. The Babysitter's Club Sell Their Bodies
4. Babar's Giant Boil
3. Horton Hears Voices Urging Him to Kill
2. Willy Wonka and the Suppository Factory
And the number on least popular children's book...
1. The Auto-erotic Adventures of Curious George
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
PROPS
Props to Aurorealis for listing me as her NUMBER ONE FAVE BLOG!
"I may be his biggest fan," quoth she.
Her blog is an outstanding mix of graphics, personal musings, and nerd culture. What's more, she updates early and often. And her pinup section is easy on the eyes. Enjoy and thanks for spreading the blog love.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/20/05)
"I may be his biggest fan," quoth she.
Her blog is an outstanding mix of graphics, personal musings, and nerd culture. What's more, she updates early and often. And her pinup section is easy on the eyes. Enjoy and thanks for spreading the blog love.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/20/05)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
TOP TEN O.J. TELEVISION SPINOFFS
Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs
10. Chico and the O.J.
9. OJwatch
8. This old O.J.
7. The Fugitive
6. The Young and the O.J.
5. I Dream of O.J.
4. O.J. and the Bear
3. Hawaii Five-O.J.
2. Unsolved Mysteries
And the number one O.J. television spinoff...
1. Murder, O.J. Wrote
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Chico and the O.J.
9. OJwatch
8. This old O.J.
7. The Fugitive
6. The Young and the O.J.
5. I Dream of O.J.
4. O.J. and the Bear
3. Hawaii Five-O.J.
2. Unsolved Mysteries
And the number one O.J. television spinoff...
1. Murder, O.J. Wrote
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Sunday, April 17, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED BATMAN VILLAINS
Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains
10. The Funneler
9. Knitwoman
8. Pat
7. Rice-a-Roni Head
6. Manateeman
5. Politically Correct Chick
4. Yarnface
3. The Chive
2. Uncontrolled Intersection
And the number one rejected Batman villain...
1. The Insinuator
-Robert Paul Van Deven
And the alternates...
Fife
Pinkeye
Fullprice
Rashgirl
Regularly Scheduled Mammogram
The Independent Contractor
Biopsy
10. The Funneler
9. Knitwoman
8. Pat
7. Rice-a-Roni Head
6. Manateeman
5. Politically Correct Chick
4. Yarnface
3. The Chive
2. Uncontrolled Intersection
And the number one rejected Batman villain...
1. The Insinuator
-Robert Paul Van Deven
And the alternates...
Fife
Pinkeye
Fullprice
Rashgirl
Regularly Scheduled Mammogram
The Independent Contractor
Biopsy
Friday, April 15, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES
Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies
10. Chocolate Spankys
9. Monkey-roons
8. Silicon Wafers
7. Mint Doo-Doos
6. Lug Nut Chewies
5. Soylent Greens
4. Fat 'n Gristles
3. Caramel Naughties
2. Asbestos Cremes
And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...
1. Shorthairbread
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Chocolate Spankys
9. Monkey-roons
8. Silicon Wafers
7. Mint Doo-Doos
6. Lug Nut Chewies
5. Soylent Greens
4. Fat 'n Gristles
3. Caramel Naughties
2. Asbestos Cremes
And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...
1. Shorthairbread
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CIGARETTE BRANDS
Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands
10. Benson & Hedge Clippings
9. From the makers of Virginia Slims: Minnesota Fats. You've let yourself go, baby
8. Capri with wings
7. Still working on your GED? Try GPC with FD&C #5
6. Kool Ultra Sticky
5. Ba-Ba, the cigarette for toddlers
4. Kingsford Matchlite 100's
3. Lucky Strike, for Teamsters willing to negotiate
2. Poison Gas in a Tube
And the number one least favorite cigarette brand...
1. Things I found in my pants, unfiltered
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Benson & Hedge Clippings
9. From the makers of Virginia Slims: Minnesota Fats. You've let yourself go, baby
8. Capri with wings
7. Still working on your GED? Try GPC with FD&C #5
6. Kool Ultra Sticky
5. Ba-Ba, the cigarette for toddlers
4. Kingsford Matchlite 100's
3. Lucky Strike, for Teamsters willing to negotiate
2. Poison Gas in a Tube
And the number one least favorite cigarette brand...
1. Things I found in my pants, unfiltered
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Monday, April 11, 2005
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT WORK WHEN YOU'RE BORED
Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored
10. Hang out in office supply closet, see if insults really do bounce off rubber and stick to glue
9. Xerox parts of your body where sun don't shine
8. Hit company cafeterial lady in the head with modem (nothing but internet)
7. When talking to clients on the phone, ask how much they weigh
6. Accuse coworkers of being scared
5. Have your desk moved ot the smoking lounge where thick clouds of second hand smoke function as a surrogate ozone layer
4. Look for ninjas, invisible dogs, and other workplace bugaboos
3. Talk to your boss like Fred Schneider of the B-52's
2. Call Ann's son on the phone, tell him you're hiding somewhere in his house
And the number one thing to do at work when you're bored...
1. Abort, retry, and ignore
-Robert Paul Van Deven
10. Hang out in office supply closet, see if insults really do bounce off rubber and stick to glue
9. Xerox parts of your body where sun don't shine
8. Hit company cafeterial lady in the head with modem (nothing but internet)
7. When talking to clients on the phone, ask how much they weigh
6. Accuse coworkers of being scared
5. Have your desk moved ot the smoking lounge where thick clouds of second hand smoke function as a surrogate ozone layer
4. Look for ninjas, invisible dogs, and other workplace bugaboos
3. Talk to your boss like Fred Schneider of the B-52's
2. Call Ann's son on the phone, tell him you're hiding somewhere in his house
And the number one thing to do at work when you're bored...
1. Abort, retry, and ignore
-Robert Paul Van Deven
Monday, April 04, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED RESEARCH PAPERS AT THE CIA
Top Ten Rejected Research Papers at the CIA
10. McDonald's: Weapon of Ass Destruction?
9. South Vietnam 2001: A Clear-and-Hold Approach to Taking the Peninsula in the New Millenium
8. Destabilizing Angolan Support for Cuba
7. Encrypting Mission Critical Information as a Word File
6. East Coast vs. West Coast Rap: Determining Factors of Whack
5. Psy Ops: Winning Arab Hearts and Minds Through Extended Palestinian Occupation
4. Aerial Saturation Bombing: The Silent Killer
3. The Levy Doctrine: Extending Tactical Kill Zones to Mistresses Who Talk
2. Urban Feline Napalm Applications
And the number one rejected research paper at the CIA...
1. Refried Beans: Biological Threat to HQ Operational Air Quality
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/01)
10. McDonald's: Weapon of Ass Destruction?
9. South Vietnam 2001: A Clear-and-Hold Approach to Taking the Peninsula in the New Millenium
8. Destabilizing Angolan Support for Cuba
7. Encrypting Mission Critical Information as a Word File
6. East Coast vs. West Coast Rap: Determining Factors of Whack
5. Psy Ops: Winning Arab Hearts and Minds Through Extended Palestinian Occupation
4. Aerial Saturation Bombing: The Silent Killer
3. The Levy Doctrine: Extending Tactical Kill Zones to Mistresses Who Talk
2. Urban Feline Napalm Applications
And the number one rejected research paper at the CIA...
1. Refried Beans: Biological Threat to HQ Operational Air Quality
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/01)
Thursday, March 31, 2005
TOP TEN REJECTED BRITNEY SPEARS MARKETING TIE-INS
Top Ten Rejected Britney Spears Marketing Tie-ins
10. BritneyBites® Hickey Concealer
9. McPickle Spears
8. Preginia Slims 100's: When you are smoking for two...
"Bring your uterus to flavor country"
"You've come nine months, baby"
7. Britney Pokémon character: Grantitimon
6. Sign multi-million dollar endorsement deal with German pharmaceutical giant Bayer, change stage name to Britney Cipro, join band Anthrax
5. Star in remake of Disney camel classic, "Humps" (It was either that or "Britney Goes Bananas")
4. "Oops...I Did It Again," late night infomercial for Depends
3. "Two Gentle Mounds of Verona," by Britney Shakespears
2. Brittany's favorite sweet relish: Chutney Spears
And the number one rejected Britney Spears marketing tie-in...
1. GerberMeister: The prenatal brew of champions
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)
And the alternates...
Trim Spa
Matching "Twin Towers" bra and "Pentagon Panties" set
Make yer Kessel run in less than five parsecs to the Naboo taboo stylings of Jar Jar Spears
Fundraising duet with Osama bin Laden, "I Shot the Mazar-I-Sharif"
10. BritneyBites® Hickey Concealer
9. McPickle Spears
8. Preginia Slims 100's: When you are smoking for two...
"Bring your uterus to flavor country"
"You've come nine months, baby"
7. Britney Pokémon character: Grantitimon
6. Sign multi-million dollar endorsement deal with German pharmaceutical giant Bayer, change stage name to Britney Cipro, join band Anthrax
5. Star in remake of Disney camel classic, "Humps" (It was either that or "Britney Goes Bananas")
4. "Oops...I Did It Again," late night infomercial for Depends
3. "Two Gentle Mounds of Verona," by Britney Shakespears
2. Brittany's favorite sweet relish: Chutney Spears
And the number one rejected Britney Spears marketing tie-in...
1. GerberMeister: The prenatal brew of champions
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)
And the alternates...
Trim Spa
Matching "Twin Towers" bra and "Pentagon Panties" set
Make yer Kessel run in less than five parsecs to the Naboo taboo stylings of Jar Jar Spears
Fundraising duet with Osama bin Laden, "I Shot the Mazar-I-Sharif"