TOP TEN COSMO ARTICLES IN IRAQ

Top Ten Cosmo Articles In Iraq

10. Sheikhs tell us! Five ways to avoid being sold to another harem: Daring Do's and Don'ts from the Bedouin Boudoir!

9. Desert Dessert: 8 easy-to-prepare, sand-based, après-goat goodies!

8. Those Eyes: No-make-up tips from beyond the veil!

7. Camel Compatibility: Does your Dromedary like it or lump it? A Quiz.

6. The full-length Kaftan: Summer's Sexiest Layer!

5. From Oppression to Orgasm: Making Holy Love and Holy War that will drive him wild!

4. "I only give birth to girls!" -one reader's shocking tale!

3. Kama Sutra Jihad! Forbidden Knowledge from the Kinky Koran he wishes you knew!

2. Ramadan's most devout footwear: Sandals vs. Nothing at all!

And the number one Cosmo article in Iraq...

1. Adieu, Abu! So longa, Osama! Qaddafi & Saddam are the bomb! We Rate the Maniacal Terror Hunks!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/25/99)

EXPERTEZIOUS QUIZAMINATION

Expertezious Quizamination

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Raising the Dead for Dummies

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Shuffleboard

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cat Fancy

5. FAVORITE SMELL? Napalm in the morning

6. FAVORITE FOOD? Um, is liquor food?

7. FAVORITE SOUND? The Sound of Music

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Losing the Lottery. Again.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE-UP?
I feel pretty!

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? KFG: Kentucky Fried Goat

11. FUTURE CHILDREN'S NAMES? Stanislaus, Aloyisious, and Jordan

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD...open one of those checking accounts."

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? I sleep with a real animal...

14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY? Scool

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1929 Model A (Turbo)

16. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD...use fabric softener."

17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? Separate the stems, smoke the leaves

18. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? Clear

19. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED: Beirut, Mogadishu, Grozny, Torrance

20. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR FULL? Half full of scotch, half full of soda, now it's empty again. Can I get a refill?

21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Olympic Dumpster Diving

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU...She's the most beautiful woman on the Internets

23. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Carpet

24. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER? Undover

25. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL? I'm always a person! (Except on weekends when I fight crime as Peligro, Masked Swordsman of the People!)

26. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP? Over Sunny

27. LAST PERSON KISSED? Vito Corleone

28. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX? Break room at work

29. FAVORITE PIE? 3.14

30. FAVORITE PASTIME? Lawn chess

31. WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED MEMORY? Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh

32. IF YOU COULD WAKE UP TOMORROW HAVING GAINED ONE ABILITY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Always be able to find the leading edge on a roll of transparent tape

33. IN CONVERSATION, DO YOU TEND TO LISTEN OR TALK MORE?
I listen to myself talk more

34. FAVORITE DRINK? Diet Fresca with a twist of Kiwi

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/01/05)

TOP TEN JASON EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING A NEW TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Jason Excuses for Not Writing a New Top Ten List

10. His god ate it

9. Would take WAY more than ten entries to describe how awesome Condoleeza Rice is

8. This internet porn isn't going to look at itself

7. Just read self-help tome "Top Ten Writers Who Love Too Much."

6. Parole board didn't exactly see things Jason's way

5. Believes he can fly, believes he can touch the sky

4. Just trying to score enough heroin to get well, not enough to get high

3. Didn't think his writing could compare to the standard internet brilliance

2. Was too busy replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Jason excuse for not writing a new Top Ten List...

1. Too distracted by the krypton-like effect of HotMegan69's powerful intellect and incisive political analysis

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/06/05)

And the alternates...

Doesn't speak HTML
Was too busy yelling "My name is Rohrblogger, ROHRBLOGGER!" to the intake nurse
First wanted to complete short-subject paper entitled, "The Complete History of the Judeo-Christian-Muslim Conflict"
Putting final touches on Jason-the-Hutt costume for TopTenCon '05
A little piece of him died with Reagan that day
Ran out of Total, had to eat twelve bowls of Raisin Bran
Doesn't feel pretty
Outsourced all list-writing to Halliburton
Addicted to precious, life-giving sleep
Still emitting the subtle scent of tequila and Nyquil
Likes Ebert, but really misses Siskel
Finally got to the 10th Level of Cthulu
Judge imposed gag order in Top Ten trial
Was obsessively stalking that internet temptress, Mailer Daemon
Didn't pay protection money to blog mob
Spent emotional night in hospital holding Pope's hand
Had to covertly bury comrades in godforsaken jungle

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM THE MOVIE ALIENS

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from the Movie Aliens

10. NEWT: My mommy always said there were no monsters - no real ones - but there are, aren't there?
RIPLEY: Yes, there are.
NEWT: Why do they tell little kids that?
RIPLEY: Most of the time it's true.

9. BISHOP: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
HUDSON: Well that's a switch.

8. RIPLEY: Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?

7. GORMAN: Hicks, meet me at the south lock. We're coming in.
HUDSON: He's coming in. I feel safer already.

6. HICKS: Hey! I know we're all in strung out shape but stay frosty and alert.

5. FROST: It's hot as hell in here.
HUDSON: Yeah man, but it's a dry heat!

4. HICKS: Remember: short, controlled bursts.

3. HUDSON: Let's just bug out and call it even, okay? What are we talking about this for?
RIPLEY: I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
HUDSON: Fuckin' A...
BURKE: Ho-ho-hold on one second. This installation has a substantial dollar value attached to it.
RIPLEY: They can bill me.

2. HUDSON: You maybe haven't been keeping up on current events but we just got our asses kicked, pal!

And Jason's number one fave line from the movie Aliens...

1. HUDSON: Well that's great! That's just fuckin' great, man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now, man... That's it, man, game over, man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?
BURKE: Maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don't we try that?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/22/07)

And the alternates...

FERRO: Stand by to initiate release sequencer. On my mark. Five. Four.
HUDSON: We're on an express elevator to hell; going down!
FERRO: Three. Two. One. Mark.

HUDSON: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
VAZQUEZ: No, have you?

APONE: All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the corps! A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal's a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the corps!

RIPLEY: You know Burke, I don't know which species is worse. You don't see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage!

HUDSON: Is this going to be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?
GORMAN: All we know is that there is still no contact with the colony, and that a xenomorph may be involved.
FROST: Excuse me sir, a what?
GORMAN: A xenomorph.
HICKS: It's a bughunt.

HUDSON: Hey top, what's the op?
APONE: It's a rescue mission, you'll love it. There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity. Heh!

TOP TEN REJECTED TOM CLANCY TITLES

Top Ten Rejected Tom Clancy Titles

10. The Little Terrorist That Could

9. Spec Ops: Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

8. The Pacification of Jack Ryan

7. Burberry Mews: Nancy Nindle Gets A Summer Pony

6. 10 Steps To A Tantric Understanding Of Your Spouse

5. Community Quilt: Rebuilding A Village Through Sewing

4. Code Name: Sgt. Lovemuscle

3. Conflict Resolution: Nonviolent Detante

2. A Million Little Feces

And the number one rejected Tom Clancy title...

1. Agricultural Espionage: A Renegade CIA Agent Turned Sod Buster Converts Military Hardware Into Farm Implements

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/09/98)

JASON GETS PUBLISHED IN MCSWEENEY'S!

Jason Gets Published in McSweeney's!

McSweeney's is an online literary humor magazine edited by David Eggers author of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius."

Anyhoo, I submitted one of my lists, "Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday," and it totally got published!

Check it out here.

Of course you can scroll down this very page to check out all of my other lists! Please, look around. Leave snarky comments or your own lists...

McSweeney's rocks beyond all online literary magazines that have ever rocked in the history of the Internets!

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SEPTEMBER 11TH HIJACKER DUTIES IN HELL

Top Ten September 11th Hijacker Duties in Hell

10. Swine Detailer

9. Legislative Intern

8. Telemarketing Dept: 10th Circle

7. Bayonnet Dummy

6. Castro District Knob Polisher

5. Hollowpoint Damage Assessor

4. Stay-At-Home Mom: Jalalabad

3. Plague Carrier

2. Whitney Houston Publicist

And the number one September 11th hijacker duty in Hell...

1. Assistant Crack Whore

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/27/01)

TOP TEN WORST GANGS IN LOS ANGELES

I thought this article in the Los Angeles Weekly was hilarious...

It's not unusual for a top-10 list to cause controversy. Top 10 movies of all time. Top 10 restaurants in the country. But recently the Los Angeles Police Department and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced with great fanfare a top-11 list of the worst and most violent gangs in the area.

"It's a bunch of bullshit," said Antony "Set Trip" Johnson, 17, a gang member with the Five Deuce Hoover, a subset of the notorious Hoover Criminals. "We should be on that list. Fuck it. We the most hated gang in Los Angeles."

"I never heard of some of these gangs," said Steven Smith, of the Rollin' 60s. "This has got to be political. Where's the Bounty Hunters? Where's the Eight Treys? Who the fuck is 204th Street?"

Ha! If they ever come out with a worst blog list I BETTER BE ON IT! After all, I'm the baddest most hated blog in the blogosphere...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/12/07)

TOP TEN RONALD MCDONALD PET PEEVES

Top Ten Ronald McDonald Pet Peeves

10. A shirtless Grimace sun bathing under the arches

9. Drunken late night calls from Hamburgler demanding "bail money"

8. The metric system

7. They made the clown at Jack In The Box PRESIDENT of the company!

6. Being mistaken for the drummer of aging heavy metal rock band KISS

5. The Diary Queen is really just the Burger King in drag

4. CIA spooks posing as teenage employees to learn the ingredients of secret sauce

3. Trendy, heroin-addicted mob hit men who try to order a "Royale with cheese"

2. Baggy pants and yellow shirt target of jeers at Armani shows

And the number one Ronald McDonald pet peeve...

1. Mayor McCheese STILL brags about the time he bagged Marilyn Monroe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/05/96)

TOP TEN RONALD MCDONALD TURN-ONS

Top Ten Ronald McDonald Turn-ons

10. People who pull up to the second window

9. A well-seasoned patty bathed in ketchup on a Spring day

8. Women who "Super-Size" it

7. They way your fingers glisten after a bag of fries

6. Mimes who break the silence

5. Drive-thru underwear

4. The way Wendy's skirt blows when she stands on a subway grate

3. Kabuki groupies

2. Being mistaken for the singer of aging heavy metal rock band KISS

And the number one Ronald McDonald turn-on...

1. The silky feeling of panty hose under baggy yellow pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/10/96)

TOP TEN SHOCKING REVELATIONS IN RONALD MCDONALD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Top Ten Shocking Revelations in Ronald McDonald's Autobiography

10. Secretly shared case of make-up with Tammy Faye Bakker at Studio 54 back in '78

9. Was shamed out of clown college in freshman year with a 1.7 GPA

8. "Billions and Billions Sold" count off by 1,278,466

7. That ain't ketchup

6. Hotcakes breakfast really only sells like regular pancakes

5. Lee Harvey Oswald was actually gunning for Mayor McCheese

4. Thick Shake resists viscosity and thermal breakdown and can be used as heavy industrial lubricant in a pinch

3. Once killed a man in a barfight over portion control

2. Colonel Sanders had wooden teeth

And the number one shocking revelation in Ronald McDonald's autobiography...

1. Hamburgler and Grimace are "longtime companions"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/96)