Thursday, July 31, 2008


Top Ten Pickup Lines for Nerds

10. You're hotter than a bunsen burner

9. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus

8. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you

7. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing

6. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy

5. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen

4. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

3. Me and you would add up better than a Riemann sum

2. You're sweeter than glucose

And the number one pickup line for nerds...

1. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, July 28, 2008


Top Ten Heckler Excuses

10. Thought this was an AA meeting

9. Just happy to be out of the trailer park for awhile

8. Want to try karaoke comedy

7. Off the meds

6. It's not open jerk night?

5. Trying to comply with the 22 drink minimum

4. Making Amy Winehouse look classy

3. Can yell at the TV without being kicked out!

2. Took three bouncers to get out of the womb, too

And the number one heckler excuse...

1. Is the only person in the room more needy and insecure than the performer onstage

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Superability to make an awkward situation more awkward
Like to bomb harder than a B-52
Less shame than Paris Hilton
Suffer from post traumatic comedy disorder
Need to be held

Friday, July 25, 2008


Top Ten Surprises in the Mr. Peanut Autobiography

10. Jimmy Carter grew more than nuts

9. California Raisins? Gay as a rainbow dolphin.

8. Peanut butter contains absolutely no dairy

7. Despises jelly

6. Likes his women chunky-style

5. Voted for Nixon for a third term

4. Once drilled Mrs. Peanut for oil

3. Monocle is bifocal. It's a monobifocal.

2. Contract rider provides fluffer for his nutter

And the number one surprise in the Mr. Peanut autobiography...

1. Those aren't peanuts

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time at the Airport

10. You step through the golden arches and automatically remove your belt and shoes

9. You point to the exit with two fingers

8. Watery soup and limp salad for $21.50 seems like a fair deal to you

7. You refer to your household entrance as "Home Gate A"

6. You advise your spouse to arrive in bed at least two hours before boarding

5. You never give your guest the whole can of Coke

4. The note in your child's lunch reminds her that contents may have shifted while in transit

3. You announce to your neighbor that, even on garbage day, he should not leave bags at the curb unattended

2. Carpool segments lasting more than two hours receive a light snack

And the number one sign you are spending too much time at the airport...

1. Your favorite position is upright and locked

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, July 19, 2008


Top Ten Rejected Baywatch Sequels

10. Baywitch

9. Maybach

8. Baymitch

7. Maybitch

6. Haywatch

5. Jaywalk

4. Sandwich

3. Gaywatch

2. Swatch Watch

And the number one rejected Baywatch sequel...

1. Bay Watcher, Texas Ranger

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Top Ten Superman Complaints About Batman

10. That ridiculous cowl he uses to hide his identity when all he really needs is a good pair of glasses

9. When Batman wears a Kryptonite utility belt buckle just to show off

8. Metropolis: clean, well lit modern city, Gotham: filthy dark sewer

7. Batman's parents ordinary crime victims, not king and queen of cool doomed planet

6. The way the Batmobile takes up TWO parking spaces at the Hall of Justice

5. Who can get a decent night's rest with that annoying Bat Signal lighting up the sky all the time?

4. Literate cover Clark Kent much smarter than snobby, overpriviledged Bruce Wayne

3. Batcave always out of toilet paper and clean towels.

2. Nickname "Dark Knight" just a lousy pun. Real superheroes are men of steel!

And the number one Superman complaint about Batman...

1. Batman slower than a speeding bullet, weaker than a locomotive, unable to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Top Ten Phrases I Would Like Used at My Funeral

10. Finally off the junk

9. Ninja-like

8. Huge "Sound of Music" fan

7. Okay-smelling

6. Big athletic supporter

5. Hairless

4. Six-pack killer (I would also have accepted killer six-pack)

3. Elbow-kissing

2. Suh-weet Baby Jason!

And the number one phrase I would like used at my funeral...

1. Acquitted of all charges

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...


Thursday, July 10, 2008


Top Ten P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

10. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

9. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

8. Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

7. Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

6. The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

5. A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

4. You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

3. If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

2. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

And the number one P.J. O'Rourke quote...

1. The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Monday, July 07, 2008


Top Ten Television Shows in Afghanistan

10. Mr. Bean Laden

9. Who's Mine is it, Anyway?

8. Talibandstand

7. My Three...Whoops! Make that Two...Sons

6. Are You Smarter than a Martyr?

5. The Slice is Right

4. Non-Survivor

3. The Barney Rubble Show

2. Captain Kangaroo Court

And the number one television show in Afghanistan...

1. The Love Goat (Abandon sheep!)

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

How I Met Your Mullah

Friday, July 04, 2008


Top Ten Signs You are Patriotic

10. There's an Army patch sewn onto your arm

9. Your fave My Little Pony? Betsy Hoss

8. You are redneck, white trash, and blue collar

7. You know the lyrics to every Lee Greenwood song

6. You eat freedom fries, and use a freedom tickler to let freedom ring

5. You apologize for letting Dick Cheney shoot you in the face

4. You freebase apple pie

3. You like your fireworks big, your Budweiser cold, and your Yankee Doodle dandy

2. You're a flag hag

And the number one sign you are patriotic...

1. You are born-again on the fourth of every July

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

You have the names of all twenty-one current cabinet members tattooed on your eyelids

Tuesday, July 01, 2008


Top Ten Things Overheard at the SAG/AFTRA Negotiations

10. Go ahead...make more pay

9. Will this slow down production on the next "Police Academy" movie?

8. George Clooney is so pretty when he's angry

7. If I had a nickel every time someone illegally downloaded a movie. Okay...four cents

6. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, this meeting is for actors only

5. For the last brown M&Ms!

4. Fabio on the final offer: "I can't believe it's not better."

3. I just want any residual green found in Matthew McConaughey's trailer

2. I liked her up fronts but the back end needs work

And the number one thing overheard at the SAG/AFTRA negotiations...

1. Can somebody cut Jack Nicholson's coke for him?

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

I'd like you to meet our lead negotiator, Optimus Prime
Sign the contract now, and we'll digitally enhance it in post