Tuesday, February 03, 2009

TOP TEN JRTT DISCLAIMERS

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Disclaimers

10. JRTT may cause drowsiness, incontinence, and apathy

9. JRTT is not responsible for any items left overnight in your car or your spleen

8. If you experience a burning sensation while reading JRTT consult your witch doctor

7. Do not use JRTT near pregnant men

6. If your JRTT lasts more than three hours seek medical affection

5. Never taunt JRTT

4. Void where inhibited

3. Improper use of JRTT can lead to injury, sarcasm, or death

2. Do not use JRTT with a petroleum-based lubricant

And the number one JRTT disclaimer...

1. JRTT is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. JRTT may settle during shipment. Use JRTT only as directed. Do not use JRTT while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will not be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply JRTT only to affected area. JRTT may be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp JRTT. Use other side of JRTT for additional listings. JRTT is for recreational use only. Do not disturb JRTT. All JRTT models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your tax professional. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if read before date on blog post. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. JRTT is for off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. JRTT contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. JRTT has sent the forms which seem to be right for you. JRTT is slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of posting. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. JRTT is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid JRTT contact with skin. JRTT is sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees of JRTT and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call JRTT now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of list. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep JRTT away from fire or flame or even hot women. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. JRTT is not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver of JRTT does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. JRTT may contain peanuts and/or humor. Please read all instructions and warnings before use. Enter JRTT at your own risk. Do not enter. Speed limit 55 MPH or higher. Stop here on red. Hostess will seat you. Trucks over 4 tons excluded. Void where prohibited by law. Some assembly required. This is a test of the JRTT emergency broadcast system - this is ONLY A TEST! Use only as directed. For indoor or outdoor use only. Reading JRTT does not enable you to fly. High altitude directions-increase read time by 10 minutes. Now with new plastic applicator. Only one winner per household. JRTT contains small parts and is not intended for use by young children. This blog post was originally recorded on analog equipment. Please remain seated until JRTT comes to a complete stop. Return your seat back and tray table to their normal upright position. JRTT can be used as a flotation device. In the event of decreased air pressure, JRTT will pop out of the top of your monitor. You are only half way through this. The blog post you have read requires a twenty-five cent deposit. JRTT will be hot after heating. Do not iron clothes on body. Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. Do not use while sleeping. Do not use JRTT on food. Insert JRTT this end first. This page made from 100% recycled electrons. Reader assumes full responsibility. JRTT is an equal opportunity employer. No JRTT, no shirt, no service. If any defects in JRTT are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Keep JRTT away from sunlight. No money down. Calls may be monitored for quality assurance or training purposes. Please make your JRTT selections from the following menu. All JRTT representatives are still busy assisting other callers. Please stay on the line and a JRTT representative will be with you when they feel the need. Please call back during our normal business hours. No animals were harmed in the preparation of JRTT, only humans. JRTT contains no CFCs. Discontinue use of JRTT if nausea or dizziness occurs. JRTT freezes before road surface. Stop, get ticket. Right lane must turn right. Left lane must turn left. Middle lane must make up their damn minds. JRTT runs on unleaded fuel only. Objects in JRTT may be closer than they appear. Buses and carpools with two or more people only. No hitchhiking. Silica gel - do not eat. Not to be used in conjunction with any other offer. Details on reverse side. Shoplifters will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. We reserve the right to check all bags, coats and personal belongings upon exiting JRTT. Recycle. Fragile - handle with care. This side up. No jumping or diving. No running by the pool. Register has less than $50 after dark. JRTT writer does not carry cash. No swimming unless lifeguard is present. Swim at your own risk! Please do not wade in JRTT. Guaranteed low prices. Not transferable. Actual size not shown. Contents of JRTT are under pressure. Do not intentionally inhale vapors. Please be kind, rewind. JRTT action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Some equipment shown is optional. Do not remove any HTML tags under penalty of law. Hand wash JRTT only - tumble dry on low heat. Blackout dates may apply. JRTT may cause fetal injury, premature birth and low birth weight. Do not fold, mutilate, or incinerate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Doors do not rebound or bounce back. Your mileage may vary. All rights reserved. Patent pending. For external use only. Avoid extreme temperatures. Do not place JRTT near a magnetic source. JRTT could be hazardous to your health. JRTT Contains Carbon Monoxide. JRTT Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, induce vomiting. Ribbed for her pleasure. Actual cash value of JRTT is 1/1000th of a cent. Listen to your mother. Eat your veggies. Wear your seatbelt. Don't take JRTT from strangers. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. JRTT does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, or other acts of God, neglect, damage from improper use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, unauthorized repair, improper installation, typos, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disc failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, hitting of a deer, milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking, or projectiles, which can include, but are not limited to, arrows, bullet shots, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, acts of war, acts of God, or mysterious loss. JRTT may not be copied or reproduced in any form without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from. We make no other warranties, expressed or implied. Decision of the judges is final.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/3/09)

And the alternate...

This supersedes all previous notices

1 comment:

Sherri said...

Weren't you given enough attention as a child? Now I need a xanax... milk just came out of my nose