Top Ten Signs I am Getting Old
10. Dingbat girls slinging toxic wings at Hooters can't hold my interest
9. I get Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner-reference jokes
8. I'd rather have the drink than the lap dance
7. No longer have to test my car's top speed. In a school zone. In the rain.
6. Went from beer and whiskey to Metamucil and Advil
5. I know the difference between term life, whole life, universal, and variable insurance
4. Won't quit my job if it conflicts with AC/DC's touring schedule
3. I can remember when there were no microwaves, VCRs, cell phones, or internet
2. I know what my cholesterol and PSA levels are
And the number one sign I am getting old...
1. The Victoria's Secret calendar no longer precipitates a wrist injury
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Top Ten Signs I am Getting Old
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Professional Baseball Players
8. Chewing tobacco
6. Wife beating
4. Drunk driving
And the number one habit of highly effective professional baseball players...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 10:43 AM
Sunday, February 22, 2009
A hirsute thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Signs your Pet Chimpanzee has Gone Bad list.
I want Jack to star in my next Hollywood creation: "Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating, Zombified, SubHumanoid Living Dead Vampire Karate Links, Part 5 in IMAX 3-D (The Musical!)"
Thanks for the blog love, Jack.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:48 AM
Top Ten Signs your Pet Chimpanzee has Gone Bad
10. Orders red wine with fish
9. Poses for the cover of "Chimps Gone Wild II: Primates in Paradise"
8. Bogarts the joint
7. Dismisses "The Real Housewives of New York" with a wave of his prehensile hand
6. Back tattoo
5. Admits his derivatives-based investment fund was just a huge Ponzi scheme
4. Closet smoker
3. Writes acerbic play "Primates and Prejudice"
2. Votes Republican
And the number one sign your pet chimpanzee has gone bad...
1. Refers to Jane Goodall as "That ignorant monkey slut"
And the alternates...
Makes it put the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again
Refuses to resign governor seat until impeached by the state senate
Won't quit wearing a faux-hawk
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:43 AM
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Top Ten Items for Sale in the Michael Jackson Auction
10. The other glove
9. High-mileage Elephant Man
8. An assortment of noses
7. Macaulay Culkin
6. One Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card, used
4. Tanning bed, new in box
3. An unspecified amount of hush money
2. Gates to Neverland, Never-Never Land, and Okay, Once, But I Didn't Like It Land
And the number one item for sale at the Michael Jackson Auction...
1. Blood-stained carousel
And the alternates...
Case of Pepsi, unused
An assortment of ebony and ivory
Plaid flannel shirt, khaki Dockers
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:31 AM
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fertility Specialist
10. Implants eight kids, four hound dogs, and a piggy we stole from the shed
9. Prescribes manure and liquid nitrates
8. Dims the lights then offers to naturally inseminate you
7. For an extra fifty, will guarantee a boy, girl, or hermaphrodite
6. States your sperm count is off by three and she won't stop until she finds them
5. Accepts food stamps
4. All of your children look suspiciously like him
3. Asks if you're getting enough foreplay
2. Insists you meet the sperm donor and shake his hand
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong fertility specialist...
1. Puts all of your eggs in one basket
And the alternates...
Demands you name the zygote "Zyggy Stardust"
Can't remember which test tubes are filled with Jell-O shots, and which ones are in vitro
Awkwardly diagnoses that you can't get pregnant because your husband is gay and you are addicted to painkillers
Nickname in medical school was "Dr. Feelgood, at your cervix"
Swears dollar margarita night at Chuy's caused her four children
Advises you are only fourteen babies away from your own reality show and book deal
Has already gone to seed
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 4:52 AM
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Top Ten Gifts I am Getting Sarah Palin for Valentine's Day
10. A viable fetus
9. Heart-shaped 7mm Magnum rifle
8. Subscription to Time Magazine
7. Pearl necklace
6. Snow machine bailout package
5. Throw pillow embroidered "The Love Gov"
4. Katie Couric/Tina Fey dart board
3. An evening of polling the electorate
2. Season two of "Ice Road Truckers: Uncensored"
And the number one gift I am getting Sarah Palin for Valentine's Day...
1. A well-oiled pipeline
And the alternate...
A bare skin rug
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:49 AM
Monday, February 09, 2009
Top Ten Enhanced Security Measures at the White House
10. He got early warning
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say "One and one and one is three"
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see
9. Kevlar underwear
8. Noisy cans tied to a string across the lawn
7. Sparky the rabid Chihuahua of Death off his leash
6. Domino's can only deliver during government business hours
5. Dick Cheney with a loaded shotgun in his rocking chair on the porch
3. Michael Vick's dogs run free on the grounds
2. Codenames encrypted in pig Latin
And the number one enhanced security measure at the White House...
1. Al Qaeda given mailing address of Belgian embassy down the street
And the alternates...
All assassins must check in with the receptionist in the foyer
No more key hidden in a fake rock near the back door
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:23 AM
Friday, February 06, 2009
Top Ten Activities to Prepare for Ski Season
10. Visit your local butcher and pay thirty dollars to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half hour, then burn two fifty dollar bills to warm up
9. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use
8. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night
7. Begin wearing your glasses with glue smeared on the lenses
6. Throw away a hundred-dollar bill now
5. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice twenty times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
4. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes
3. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away
2. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed
And the number one activity to prepare for ski season...
1. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $11.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
And the alternates...
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face
Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it is in a snowstorm and you are following an 18-wheeler
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Get in a hot tub despite your injuries, drink beer into oblivion, and "relax."
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it is time for the real thing
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:49 PM
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Disclaimers
10. JRTT may cause drowsiness, incontinence, and apathy
9. JRTT is not responsible for any items left overnight in your car or your spleen
8. If you experience a burning sensation while reading JRTT consult your witch doctor
7. Do not use JRTT near pregnant men
6. If your JRTT lasts more than three hours seek medical affection
5. Never taunt JRTT
4. Void where inhibited
3. Improper use of JRTT can lead to injury, sarcasm, or death
2. Do not use JRTT with a petroleum-based lubricant
And the number one JRTT disclaimer...
1. JRTT is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. JRTT may settle during shipment. Use JRTT only as directed. Do not use JRTT while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will not be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply JRTT only to affected area. JRTT may be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp JRTT. Use other side of JRTT for additional listings. JRTT is for recreational use only. Do not disturb JRTT. All JRTT models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your tax professional. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if read before date on blog post. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. JRTT is for off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. JRTT contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. JRTT has sent the forms which seem to be right for you. JRTT is slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of posting. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. JRTT is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid JRTT contact with skin. JRTT is sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees of JRTT and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call JRTT now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of list. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep JRTT away from fire or flame or even hot women. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. JRTT is not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver of JRTT does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. JRTT may contain peanuts and/or humor. Please read all instructions and warnings before use. Enter JRTT at your own risk. Do not enter. Speed limit 55 MPH or higher. Stop here on red. Hostess will seat you. Trucks over 4 tons excluded. Void where prohibited by law. Some assembly required. This is a test of the JRTT emergency broadcast system - this is ONLY A TEST! Use only as directed. For indoor or outdoor use only. Reading JRTT does not enable you to fly. High altitude directions-increase read time by 10 minutes. Now with new plastic applicator. Only one winner per household. JRTT contains small parts and is not intended for use by young children. This blog post was originally recorded on analog equipment. Please remain seated until JRTT comes to a complete stop. Return your seat back and tray table to their normal upright position. JRTT can be used as a flotation device. In the event of decreased air pressure, JRTT will pop out of the top of your monitor. You are only half way through this. The blog post you have read requires a twenty-five cent deposit. JRTT will be hot after heating. Do not iron clothes on body. Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. Do not use while sleeping. Do not use JRTT on food. Insert JRTT this end first. This page made from 100% recycled electrons. Reader assumes full responsibility. JRTT is an equal opportunity employer. No JRTT, no shirt, no service. If any defects in JRTT are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Keep JRTT away from sunlight. No money down. 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We reserve the right to check all bags, coats and personal belongings upon exiting JRTT. Recycle. Fragile - handle with care. This side up. No jumping or diving. No running by the pool. Register has less than $50 after dark. JRTT writer does not carry cash. No swimming unless lifeguard is present. Swim at your own risk! Please do not wade in JRTT. Guaranteed low prices. Not transferable. Actual size not shown. Contents of JRTT are under pressure. Do not intentionally inhale vapors. Please be kind, rewind. JRTT action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Some equipment shown is optional. Do not remove any HTML tags under penalty of law. Hand wash JRTT only - tumble dry on low heat. Blackout dates may apply. JRTT may cause fetal injury, premature birth and low birth weight. Do not fold, mutilate, or incinerate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Doors do not rebound or bounce back. Your mileage may vary. All rights reserved. Patent pending. For external use only. Avoid extreme temperatures. Do not place JRTT near a magnetic source. JRTT could be hazardous to your health. JRTT Contains Carbon Monoxide. JRTT Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, induce vomiting. Ribbed for her pleasure. Actual cash value of JRTT is 1/1000th of a cent. Listen to your mother. Eat your veggies. Wear your seatbelt. Don't take JRTT from strangers. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. JRTT does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, or other acts of God, neglect, damage from improper use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, unauthorized repair, improper installation, typos, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disc failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, hitting of a deer, milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking, or projectiles, which can include, but are not limited to, arrows, bullet shots, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, acts of war, acts of God, or mysterious loss. JRTT may not be copied or reproduced in any form without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from. We make no other warranties, expressed or implied. Decision of the judges is final.
And the alternate...
This supersedes all previous notices
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:37 PM