Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Top Ten Rejected Forms of Contraception
10. The Patch Adams
9. The IOU
7. Syncopated Rhythm Method
6. Plan C
5. The Breast Implant
4. Morning After Kill
2. Nuva Wedding Ring
And the number one rejected form of contraception...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 4:38 PM
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels
10. Cold Mountain Deux
9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise
8. Debbie Does Fallujah
7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton
6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder
5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer
4. Chasing Amy's Papi
3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo
2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party
And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...
1. You Got Smurfed
And the alternates...
Gulf War 3-D
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pie 3.14159265
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
Bad News Angels and Demons
Losin' It II: Finding It Again
Harry Potter and the Endless Merchandising of Doom
Fast & Bi-Furious
The Taking of Pelham 456
The Second to Last Temptation of Christ
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 11:16 AM
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Top Ten Signs It's Summer in Los Angeles
10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall
9. Smog layer glistens
8. Buses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest
7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30
5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations
4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer
3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs
2. Marines storm Paris Hilton's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes
And the number one sign it's summer in Los Angeles...
1. Film critics praise screening of "Angels & Demons" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."
And the alternate...
Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 2:02 PM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Top Ten Projects in Development at Google
10. Ads based on how early in the morning you are still on Facebook trying to get a date
9. A web browser that doesn't suck
8. Ability to help rocking horse people find marshmallow pies
7. Text ads in braille
6. Page rank system that returns results based on whether or not Simon Cowell likes them
5. Ability to search your feelings, you know it to be true
4. Location of Waldo, Carmen San Diego, and Osama bin Laden
3. G-spot mail
2. 1.2 million results per page
And the number one project in development at Google...
1. A search function to find your lost virginity
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 5:03 PM
Monday, May 18, 2009
Top Ten Signs You are at a Bad Circus
10. Some clown won't quit hitting on you
9. Sideshow is Perez Hilton interviewing Lady Gaga
8. Clown car comfortably seats four
7. Britney Spears won't quit singing
6. Sad clown all hopped up on Prozac
5. Cotton candy is 60% real cotton
4. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
3. Lion tamer spends forty-five minutes taunting Montecore
2. Tent smells like diet meth and Crystal Pepsi
And the number one sign you are at a bad circus...
1. Michael Buffer opens the show with "Let's get ready to rumble!"
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:54 PM
Friday, May 15, 2009
Top Ten Republican Comeback Ideas
10. Shoot ALL lawyers in the face
9. Palin/Prejean 2012
8. Free KFC for everyone!
7. Stop politicizing abortion, global warming, evolution, gay marriage, and cable news networks
6. Get Octomom to register all of her offspring, get off welfare
5. Pass a budget that actually lowers taxes and reduces government
4. Exploding cigar sent to Jon Stewart
3. Cut and run
2. Hire Rielle Hunter to videotape Barack Obama
And the number one Republican comeback idea...
1. They send one of yours to the senate, you send one of theirs to the morgue
And the alternates...
Preemptive war with France
Find Osama bin Laden, make him run against Arlen Specter
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:34 AM
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Medium-sized ups to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy list.
Normally I would go on and on about how awesome Jack is, but all I can afford is to offer him some of my filet mignramen.
Thanks for answering the call: "Brother can you spare a link?"
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:26 AM
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sorry about the huge empty space in this post! I write HTML table code the way George W. Bush speaks English.
Insult Generator (Insulterator?)
Sometimes life calls for more than just a token epithet to register your loathing and disgust. Pick one from Column A, one from Column B, and one from Column C. Wars have been started for less. Click here to begin...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:05 PM
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy
10. Caviar and champale
9. No longer wear designer tattoos
8. Generic heroin
7. Moved from 10,000 square-foot mansion into 10,000 square-foot mobile home
6. Stopped wearing Magnum condoms
5. Stewards on my private jet no longer serve bottled water
4. Also buying used men's underwear on eBay
3. Vacationing in Darfur this season
2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals
And the number one way I am downsizing in this economy...
1. Each mistress must make do with only one Jaguar. Hybrid.
And the alternates...
Limited to dipping every other chicken wing in ranch dressing
Big-screen TV on my yacht gets basic cable
Only requesting songs on two-fer Tuesday
Gold plating on hall toilet merely 5mm thick
No more filters on my cigarettes
Selling one girl-child to the producers of "Slumdog Millionaire"
Traded in framed Jackson Pollock for a bunch of spilled paint
Whenever I buy one, I always ask for one free
Fleet of Hummers fueled with leftover margarita mix
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:09 AM
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Big thanks to Tracy over at The Barger Blog for reposting my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms list and linking to it.
This post appears contagious! We have three confirmed cases...
Thanks for the (sausage) link love, Tracy!
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:26 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Top Ten Wife One-liners
10. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
9. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
8. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
7. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
6. The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"
5. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
4. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-James Holt McGavra
2. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
A) Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
B) Whenever you're right, shut up.
And the number one wife one-liner...
1. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
And the alternates...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Randall Milton Hoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds, "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
Second Guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
-Roger S. Canter
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:22 AM
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Porcine props to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms post.
Hope you put on a mask before you read the list, Jack. I didn't put a sneeze guard up and I've apparently infected the entire internet.
Hopefully my list will mutate slightly as it spreads so it can never be stopped. Mwah ha -hack- -cough- -choke-. Thanks again for being my patient zero...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 4:07 PM
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Top Ten Tabloid Stories I'd Like to See
10. Barrack Obama's love child with Nicole Brown Simpson
9. 98lb Oprah: "I am NOT anorexic!"
8. Lindsey Lohan/Paris Hilton sex tape
7. Perez Hilton dating Miss USA
6. Nostradamus predicts you will have spaghetti for lunch
5. Jennifer Aniston pregnant with Brad Pitt's octuplets
4. Spencer Pratt leaves Heidi Montag for even younger, hotter, needier woman
3. Blind item: what well-known TV personality goes home to her husband and kids every night and makes dinner?
2. Paparazzi catch Amy Winehouse at church and then the library
And the number on tabloid item I'd like to see...
1. Sober Mel Gibson arrested on outstanding warrants. He's completely respectful to everyone, and apologizes to his wife for everything
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 6:43 AM