TOP TEN REASONS JASON IS ON HIATUS

Rohrblogger won't be updated for a couple of weeks. Do enjoy our lovely archives, won't you?

Top Ten Reasons Jason Is on Hiatus

10. Gotta train a race of super squirrels to do laundry

9. This Smirnoff-and-SlimFast ain't gonna drink itself

8. Rug burn

7. Got your chocolate in my peanut butter

6. Picking up an extra shift at the humor-packing plant

5. Can't talk. "CSI: Dubuque" is on.

4. Standing in line for the next Star Wars

3. Attracting too many ravenous groupies

2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one reason Jason is on hiatus...

1. Could only think of nine reasons

-Rohrblogger out...
(05/27/05)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN ABU GHRAIB PRISON

Top Ten Signs You Work in Abu Ghraib Prison

10. Your diplomatic pouch holds a list of questions, a riding crop, and fishnet stockings.

9. You teach inmates dance steps like the Lynndie Hop.

8. You threaten recalcitrant terrorists with a rubber hose and panty hose.

7. Time in the interrogation room costs $1.99 a minute.

6. Your turn-ons are mustaches, honesty, and long walks on Guantanamo Bay.

5. Charges include rape, murder, and terrorist threats. And that's just the staff.

4. Your persuasion methods are Chinese water torture, Russian roulette, and Brazilian wax.

3. Your commanding officer gives you a direct order to "Bring out the Gimp."

2. You anger the entire Muslim world by replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you work in Abu Ghraib Prison...

1. The photos of your office Christmas party have all the best parts digitally blurred.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Blogerts
(05/28/04)

TOP TEN THINGS JASON KNOWS ABOUT LOVE

Top Ten Things Jason Knows About Love

10. Nothing.

9. Love is patient, love is kind, love never seeks its own way--ah screw it, love sucks!

8. Self-love is the most important love of all. Especially on cold lonely nights.

7. Love bites. (Sorry, that is something Ratt knows about Love)

6. If you love something, set it free. Then take massive amounts of drugs and alcohol to get over the loss.

5. Love means never having to say your sorry ass screwed up.

4. You would do it if you loved me.

3. Love is something to be shared secretly between two people in a closet or back alley and then lied about to the Grand Jury.

2. On a cruise ship, love won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile, on a
friendly shore.

And the number one thing Jason knows about love...

1. See number ten.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/22/98)

TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER MOVIES SEQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels

10. Cold Mountain Deux

9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise

8. Debbie Does Baghdad

7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton

6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder

5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer

4. Chasing Amy's Papi

3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo

2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party

And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...

1. You Got Smurfed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pi
My Big Fat Greek Divorce

TOP TEN CHEWBACCA TURN-ONS

Top Ten Chewbacca Turn-Ons

10. Fresh cut flowers

9. Handwritten poetry on fine stationary

8. A hot bubble bath and flea dip

7. Bounty hunters who can't make the jump to hyperspace

6. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou

5. Wookiees who are "real"

4. Replacing the fine coffee normally served on the Millennium Falcon with that hilarious Chihuahua

3. Tavern sponsored Ewok tossing contests

2. Retooling the ion drive from a stock proton particle subverter to a really bitchin' custom dilithium hyper-light quark inverting atomic star thumper with twin chrome exhaust ports. Then cruising the Dairy Queen on Yavin.

And the number one Chewbacca turn-on...

1. A well oiled cross bow--if you know what I mean...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/23/98)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW STAR WARS PREQUEL

Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Prequel

10. In a fit of rage, Obi-Wan Kenobi threatens to make Darth Vader his bitch

9. Interplanetary rivalry characterized by fly-by shootings

8. Chewbacca isn't just a member of the Hair Club for Wookiee's, he's also the president

7. Wearing leather and chains, Yoda helps his live-in disciple, a talking Chihuahua, "feel the force"

6. Boba Fett admits that after a long day of bounty hunting, he just wants to be held

5. Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa played by the Olsen twins.

4. Anakin Skywalker is led to the Dark Side by Evil Lord of the Sith, Bylgates ken-Starr

3. An under-rated rag-tag band of plucky rebels, though hopelessly outgunned and exponentially outnumbered, manage to gather enough grit and courage for a one-in-a-million surgical blow to the vastly superior enemy and--get this--pull a spectacular victory out of the jaws of certain defeat anyway

2. In order to pay for the exhorbitant special effects, ticket prices will be raised to $39.95

And the number one surprise in the new Star Wars Prequel...

1. The Emperor has new clothes

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/98)

And the alternates...

Darth Vader is also Chewbacca's father
Jabba the Hutt admits he has a weight problem because he was teased as a child
Jar Jar Binks finishes up his doctorate in cultural studies
Grand Moff Tarkin exposed as neither grand nor moff
Mace Windu quotes a long bible verse before blowing away his enemies
Yoda uses the Force to scare those damn kids off his lawn

TOP TEN SCOTT PETERSON EXCUSES

Top Ten Scott Peterson Excuses

10. Divorce is messy and it would have involved all kinds of court and lawyers

9. Did it to impress Jody Foster

8. Mistook pregnant wife for giant white whale

7. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!

6. Wasn't getting enough prison sex from his wife and mistress

5. She was going to name child "Connor" not Prince Scott II

4. Thought you had to kill your wife as initiation into Hair Club for Men

3. Fetus was looking at him funny

2. Just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits

And the number one Scott Peterson excuse...

1. Wife and child weren't going to kill themselves

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/13/05)

And the alternates...

Was listening to the voices in his SPAM: thought he only had to kill one more family member to win iPod
Is sociopathic wonderkind
Started out as harmless Christmas prank that got out of hand

TOP TEN REJECTED TOP LEVEL DOMAIN (TLD) NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Top Level Domain (TLD) Names

10. .arrrrgh!

9. .con

8. .federline

7. .dot

6. .spork

5. .halliburton

4. .fu

3. .trek

2. .hell

And the number one rejected top level domain (TLD) name...

1. .rohrblogger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/05)

YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

Getting to know me: yet another e-mail chain letter...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
-The butt crack o' noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
-I love a pearl necklace...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

4. What is your favorite TV show: Survivor, Sex & The City, or The Amazing Race?
-Sex & The Amazing Survivor Race

5. What did you have for breakfast?
-Slim Fast and Rogaine

6. What is your middle name?
-Phineas

7. Favorite cuisine?
-Lean

8. What foods do you dislike?
-Anything made by elves

9. What is your favorite chip flavor?
-Microchip

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
-Learn French with Richard Simmons

11. What kind of car do you drive?
-1909 Ford Model A (Turbo)

12. Favorite sandwich?
-Mmmm, Olsen Twin Sandwich

13. What characteristic do you despise?
-Intelligence

14. Favorite item of clothing?
-Leash

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
-Fallujah

16. What color is your bathroom?
-Off Eggshell

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
-Wonderbra

18. Where would you retire to?
-West Bank

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-Liver transplant, 36.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
-Porn

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
-Bob Dole

23. Person who will answer first?
-My attorney

24. What fabric detergent do you use?
-Crest

25. When is your birthday?
-March first. I'm a Pisces, yo. Heah ta reprezizent! Fish up in tha hizzay! Boo ta tha yah, ma zodiacal bruthuhs from uther muthahs. Lemme heah ya say "watah sign!" Splish ta tha splizzash...

26. When is your anniversary?
-I was released back into the wild on August 30th.

27. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-I'm always a person, silly!

28. What is your shoe size?
-Um, 12. What's your point?

29. Pets:
-One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing.

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
-I can change my own oil.

31. What did you want to be when you were little?
-A beautiful butterfly!

32. What are you today?
-A regular butterfly.

33. What is your favorite candy?
-Britney Spears. Wait, are tarts candy?

34. What is your favorite flower?
-Anything by Georgia O'Queef

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/09/04)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S SUMMER IN L.A.

Top Ten Signs It's Summer in L.A.

10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall

9. Smog layer glistens

8. Busses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest

7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet

6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30

5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations

4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer

3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs

2. Marines storm Tara Reid's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes

And the number one sign it's summer in L.A....

1. Film critics praise screening of "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)

And the alternate...

Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames

PAPAL STARTER KIT

Papal Starter Kit
Just had an address change from Munich to the Vatican?
Here are some Papal Points to help you get jiggy with Jesus...

COMMUNION SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Only administered to Catholics
BETTER: Eucharistic transubstantiation
BAD: 2for1 on Thursdays with Dollar Drafts and U-Call-It Shots

THE INQUISITION:
GOOD: Was a shameful mistake
BETTER: Should be formally apologized for
BAD: Clearly didn't finish the job

THE MODERN PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Put to a worldwide church vote
BETTER: Televised internationally
BAD: Hereditary

EVOLUTION IS:
GOOD: Merely a theory at best
BETTER: Proof that God really does exist
BAD: The sickest roller coaster at Busch Gardens, boo yah! Rode it.

CONDOMS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: A last resort
BETTER: Banned from the planet
BAD: Ribbed for her pleasure

MEL GIBSON IS:
GOOD: A devout Catholic disciple
BETTER: Spreading the Gospel through cinema
BAD: Directing "The Passion II: Beyond Thunderdome"

YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE:
GOOD: Consolidate power in Rome
BETTER: Create an orthodoxy for the 21st Century
BAD: Annex the Sudetenland

THE LAY PEOPLE SHOULD:
GOOD: Tithe regularly
BETTER: Unquestioningly accept the word of the Vatican
BAD: Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed.

ALL PRIESTS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Celibate men
BETTER: Virgins
BAD: Exiled to Neverland

ALL NUNS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Cloistered in an abbey
BETTER: Subordinate to the priesthood
BAD: Working the silver pole for Jesus

THE HOLY SEE SHOULD HELP THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT TALK TO:
GOOD: A spiritual adviser
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: The hand

VATICAN III SHOULD BE:
GOOD: The clarification of ecumenical values
BETTER: A world-inclusive manifesto
BAD: The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a heart-seeking missal epistle

YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF ADDRESS:
GOOD: Blessed Father
BETTER: Most Holy See
BAD: Joey "Eggs" Benedict

THE POPEMOBILE SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Opened up to allow more access
BETTER: Equipped with a public address system
BAD: Tricked out with some really bitchin' exhaust pipes and a Holley carb

FOR WRITING THIS PIECE JASON ROHRBLOGGER WILL:
GOOD: Be writing Top Ten Lists in Hell
BETTER: Be forced to come up with a less hackneyed premise
BAD: Get to play "altar boy" with Cardinal Richelieu in the rectory

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/05)

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY ROBERT MAC WOULD THINK IS FUNNY

Top Ten Things Only Robert Mac Would Think is Funny

10. A blob, a stinky goat, and Thor walk into a mass store to buy a date from a palm tree. The checkout clerk asks, "what kind of bag?" Mickey says, "Hairbag, whatever."

9. Ðü∂ε! þùúûd€./ These peanut M&M's melt in my mouth and in my mind.

8. The only thing better than Laff's decor is the pay.

7. Q: How do you say goodbye to a prostitute?
A: Late, whore.

6. Congratulations, you've also won a year's supply of Minoxodil.

5. And the Award for Cultural Observation goes to...Genesis!

4. Meet JBA in HP, SFO for some South of Market Tenderloin. How Castro. (That isn't a bush and it ain't whispering!)

3. This is my first e-mail transmission...

2. Top three gay shows?
Mo Better Blues
Mo Money
Moesha

And the number one thing only Robert Mac would think is funny...

1. I can't get these pants over my juggs. β¡†©µ #◊∫³!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/00)

JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE PAUL DEVEN TOP TEN LISTS OF ALL TIME

My friend and fellow comedian, Paul Deven, was recently in a fatal car accident. He was also a Top Ten List writer, so I have compiled here my fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time dedicated to his memory. Scroll down the next ten entries below this list or just click on the links in this list. Enjoy.

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time

10. Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys

9. Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors

8. Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz

7. Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers

6. Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books

5. Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs

4. Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains

3. Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

2. Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave Paul Deven Top Ten List of all time...

1. Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/05)