TOP TEN REJECTED JACK-O-LANTERNS

Top Ten Rejected Jack-o-lanterns

10.


9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one rejected Jack-o-lantern...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REASONS PETS HATE HALLOWEEN

Top Ten Reasons Pets Hate Halloween

10.


9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one reason pets hate Halloween...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/23/07)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REJECTED MUPPETS

Top Ten Rejected Muppets

10. Preachy Keen

9. Miss Ciggy

8. Manimal

7. Reeker

6. Fuzzy Beer

5. Fraggle Crack

4. Gunzo

3. Buffalo Wing

2. Noduh

And the number one rejected Muppet...

1. Kermit the Hog

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/07)

TOP TEN METRIC PERVERSIONS

I love me some forwarded e-mail spam...

Top Ten Metric Perversions

10. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

9. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

8. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

7. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

6. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

5. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

4. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

3. 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

2. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

And the number one metric perversion...

1. Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/07)

And the alternates...

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations:1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT CAESAR'S PALACE

Top Ten Projects in Development at Caesar's Palace

10. A showgirl with 2to1 odds

9. Drive-thrulette

8. A roasted peasant on the same plate as a steak: serf and turf

7. Blackjack table with a mortgage-payment minimum bet

6. Pimp Cocktail

5. Urinal-mounted hold 'em dealers

4. Downscale Mason Jar-tini

3. Hot poker chip massage

2. Loosest craps in town

And the number one project in development at Caesar's Palace...

1. Paris Hilton-themed slut machines

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/11/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED BIBLE ONE-LINERS

Top Ten Rejected Bible One-liners

10. Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless

9. Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds

8. Q: Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

7. Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet

6. Q: What kind of cars are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord

5. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down

4. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home

3. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once

2. Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing

And the number one rejected bible one-liner...

1. Q: Who was the first tennis player in the bible?
A: Joseph. He served in Pharaoh's court

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun

Q: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck

Q: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: In the Bible it says,"He-brews"

TOP TEN REJECTED HIGH-EMISSION VEHICLE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected High-Emission Vehicle Names

10. Volkswagen Fahrt

9. Hyundai Expel

8. Subaru Braaap

7. Chevy Gastro Van

6. Ford Flatus

5. Chevy Smel Aire

4. Acura Ejecta

3. Dodge Vapor

2. Geo Rectum

And the number one rejected high-emission vehicle name...

1. Mini Pooper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/08/04)

And the alternates...

Buick Rendez-poo
Cadillac DeSmelle
Mercedes Movement
Chevy Tail Blazer
Chrysler Seeping
PU Cruiser
Cadillac Asscalade
Plymouth Gentle Breeze
Geo Spasm
Toyota Puttputt
Citroen Void
Opel Oder
Saturn Silent-but-deadly
BMW Bowel
Ford Funk
Scion Scat
Pontiac Pucker
Toyota Turtle Head
Buick Burp
Isuzu Pooper
Hummer Bumair
Ford Musty
Dodge Doo-rango
Dodge Grand Contraction
Ford Expulsion
GMC Yuckon
Honda Emanate
Hyundai Ass-scent
Mitsubishi Emit
Aston Farten

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW JOB

Top Ten Signs You Need a New Job

10. You can't look at your boss without envisioning crosshairs on her forehead. And you are self-employed.

9. After taxes your last paycheck was negative. You actually owed them $46.73.

8. The third girl from your department is out on family leave this week. Not only are you going to have to pick up all of the slack, those three child support payments are going to hurt.

7. If your wages get any more garnished, they'll be an entrée.

6. They page you over the intercom as "Mr. Goat. Mr. Scape Goat."

5. You are running out of orifices to hide the heroin.

4. Your supervisor gently reminds you, "These detainees aren't going to sexually humiliate themselves."

3. Your benefits include unlimited time on the heart-lung machine.

2. They've replaced the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you need a new job...

1. Your embezzlement only brings in a few extra dollars now that the company is on the brink of bankruptcy.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/04)

And the alternates...
Your cube-mate just learned how to fly a plane, but not how to land.
Arthur Miller wrote a play about you.
You can't get any sleep with all that manufacturing going on.
A meeting with your boss costs $25.00, same as downtown.
The medical board no longer recognizes your residency under Dr. Mengele.
You hate the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Your wife makes more money than you and she's dead.
You are up for re-election.
You were originally appointed by Nixon.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN A BAD OFFICE

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office

10. 401K statements look suspiciously like lottery tickets

9. Three words: clothing-optional Fridays

8. Daycare facilities provided by Neverland Ranch Child Services

7. Steady flow of co-workers leaving to take jobs at local suppository testing lab

6. Office holiday party entertainment: Vanilla Ice

5. Sensitivity training seminars involve fishnet stockings and a riding crop

4. Male employees favor spiked collars in lieu of ties

3. In a cost-cutting move, management replaces your computer monitor with an Etch-a-Sketch

2. Hammocks strung from cubicles so commuting doesn't cut into overtime

And the number one sign you work in a bad office...

1. Company president is on a first-name basis with the reporters from "60 Minutes"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(04/02/05)

And the alternates...

Floating holidays have to actually be taken on a boat
The head stylist is Kenneth Lay and the head accountant is Martha Stewart
Fine coffee normally served is replaced with crack cocaine
Each floor has a Twelve-Jumpers-or-Less express window
Fax machine is really just a homeless guy making drunken modem noises
Boss always insisting you "get a haircut" and you are bald
Can't get that "old man smell" out of the boardroom
IT Department just upgraded to smoke signals and cave paintings
The only perks are coming from the coffee machine
Office pool covers who will get the next intern pregnant
All members of office softball team test positive for steroids, beer, and herpes
Women's restroom has a silver pole and coconut body spray
"Mad Dog" from HR tattoos your performance review to your forehead
Boss seeking internal candidates to fill "Assistant Crack Whore" position
Time clocks used to access rest rooms
Company president always wearing strange-looking ankle bracelet

TOP TEN BREAKFAST CEREALS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Breakfast Cereals in Iraq

10. Blasted Mini-Wheats

9. Count Burkhula

8. Rear Admiral Crunch

7. Goat Flakes

6. Special A-K

5. Sugar Corn Sand

4. Weapons of Ass Destruction

3. Kellogg's Bran & Root

2. Ricin Krispies

And the number one breakfast cereal in Iraq...

1. Shredded Wheat 'n Credibility

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Kern'l Crunch
Rocket Propelled Granola
Kicks
10-to-Life Cereal
Nut'n Funny
Total...Destruction
Spider Holies
Hostage Berries
Ricin Bran
Baghdadios
Kurds 'n' Honey
Tony the Tigris
Hans Trix
Blix Chex
Meusli-potamia
Hans MeusBlix
Allahu Akberry
Cocoa Bombs
Sand Lice Krispies

TOP TEN REJECTED TALIBAN DOOMSDAY DEVICES

Top Ten Rejected Taliban Doomsday Devices

10. Whimsical Mohammed-shaped Jell-O mold full 'o plague

9. Goat with bad gas and a match

8. Crop duster filled with Mariah Carey CD's

7. Sneak up behind NFL Coach Bill Belichick. Dump cold bucket of anthrax on his head at end of fourth quarter.

6. Field Islamic fundamentalist boy band, *N Laden

5. Replace president of the United States with Folger's Crystals. See if anyone notices

4. Bomb a Kathy Lee Gifford concert

3. Hijack Oprah Winfrey. Force book club to read Koran.

2. Character-assassinate beloved American sports hero O.J. Simpson

And the number one rejected Taliban doomsday device...

1. Give Taliban spokesman Mohammed Mujahara own late night talk show on Al Jazeera network. Watch with glee as Conan O'Brien ratings plummet.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/25/01)

Ah la la la la la la la la la la la la la

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN TURN-ONS

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Turn-ons

10. A woman with high mountains and deep, deep caves

9. The smell of Anthrax in the morning

8. Nearsighted pilots

7. Wives three through six

6. Collateral damage

5. Polka night at the mosque

4. Naughty Bedouins who need discipline

3. A warm Afghan on a cold Sunday morning

2. Full frontally exposed embassies

And the number one Osama Bin Laden turn-on...

1. When the B-52's buzz his love shack

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/10/02)

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE GOOD

Top Ten Things that Are Good

10. Steak

9. Guns n' Roses

8. Competition in a free market

7. The Daily Show

6. Finding twenty bucks in an old pair of jeans

5. Kate Winslet

4. E-mail

3. Booze

2. Movies

And the number one thing that is good...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/19/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JASON

Top Ten Signs You Are in Love with Jason

10. You ask, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." But you only list the top ten.

9. Your twin girls are named Rohrie and Jasina.

8. You leave a trail of chicken wings and whiskey from your front door to your boudoir.

7. You find yourself wrecking two or three cars a day.

6. You are exhausted, and your hands are sore...from a hot night of e-mail.

5. You legally change your sign to Pisces.

4. You believe his lame jokes are filled with secret messages for you.

3. Your answering machine announces: "If this is Jason calling, stay on the line until I can get home and pick up the phone!"

2. You put posters of him right up over your old posters of Andy Dick.

And the number one sign you are in love with Jason...

1. Favorite Spice Girl? Jason.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/99)

TOP TEN AMERICAN MOVIES

Top Ten American Movies

10. Pie

9. Gigolo

8. Gangster

7. Me

6. Splendor

5. Beauty

4. Graffiti

3. History X

2. Psycho

And the number one American movie...

1. Werewolf in London

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/11/07)

And the alternates...

President
Tail

TOP TEN BARS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Bars in Iraq

10. The Crator

9. I Can't Believe It's Not Liquor

8. Bobby McKurd's

7. The Gas Factory

6. Molotov's

5. Ankles (Formerly Hooters)

4. Carlos Muhammad's

3. Bedouin Bootleg Booze Bunker

2. The Camel's Hump

And the number one bar in Iraq...

1. Bombed In Baghdad

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/98)

And the alternate...

IEDFriday's

TALIBAN STARTER KIT

Taliban Starter Kit
So you say you want a Revolution?
Avoid these common mistakes on your road to Hell...

YOU WORSHIP:
GOOD: Allah
BETTER: Hitler
BAD: Bill Gates

YOUR SECT:
GOOD: Sunni
BETTER: Shi'ite
BAD: Webelo

YOUR GOAL:
GOOD: Punish infidels
BETTER: Worldwide ethnic cleansing
BAD: Convert Paris Hilton to Islam

YOU WERE KICKED OUT OF:
GOOD: Prison
BETTER: Iraq
BAD: Weight Watchers

YOU ARE ANGERED BY:
GOOD: Occupation of Palestine
BETTER: Endemic marginalization of Muslim values
BAD: John Travolta's last three movies

YOU WENT TO SCHOOL AT:
GOOD: University of Cairo
BETTER: Riyadh Seminary
BAD: UC Humboldt

YOUR WORK HAS BEEN PRAISED BY:
GOOD: Carlos the Jackal
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: Ebert & Roeper

YOU WANT TO LIBERATE:
GOOD: Mecca
BETTER: Palestine
BAD: Jenna Bush

YOUR CADRE:
GOOD: Mujahideen
BETTER: Hezbollah
BAD: Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah

YOU EAT:
GOOD: Wild mountain goat
BETTER: The flesh of your ememies
BAD: Wasabi salmon en croute avec beurre blanc

YOU WANT TO LIVE:
GOOD: Hiding in the caves of Afghanistan
BETTER: Fighting along side your Mujahideen brothers
BAD: Adrble 2+2 crftsmn charmer w/ grt vu

YOU WANT TO DIE:
GOOD: With a handful of Cyanide in a burned-out bunker
BETTER: In a hail of U.S. missile fire
BAD: At the Chateau Marmont under a pile of coke and hookers

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/15/01)

TOP TEN REJECTED MOB NICKNAMES

Top Ten Rejected Mob Nicknames

10. Marco "Trixiebelle Sparkle" Battaglia

9. Joseph "Halitosis" Toscano

8. Nicky "Nickyname" Bastoli

7. Pauly "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Brancato

6. Anthony "Tony Baloney" Provenza

5. Vincenzo "Panty Liner" Mastrozano

4. Frankie "Cap'n Crunch" Capicola

3. Salvatore "Dances with Wolves" Roselli

2. Snitchy "The Talker" Cooperatti

And the number one rejected mob nickname...

1. Jason "The Hack" Rohrblogger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/02/07)

And the alternates...

Louis "Asshat" Giannini
Cesare "Sissy Boy" Bianchi
Tommy "Sharquanda" Cielo
Jack "Small Penis" Milano
Don "Wingnut" Rumsfeld
Jimmy "Closeted Homosexual" Colucci
Sergio "Free Pass" Fulgencio
Al "Gender Reassignment" Gennaro
Benito "Insecure" Balducci
Henry "Number Three with a Diet Coke" Pescadero
Victor "Just Hold Me" Scarfo
Carmine "Silly Rabbit" Baratta

TOP TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR JASON SAY

Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear Jason Say

10. This shirt is sooo last season. I think I'll go out on my own and buy something more up to date.

9. Sorry I'm late, I was traveling at a safe rate of speed for the conditions.

8. ...that's when I realized I had scheduled TWO dates last Saturday...

7. I'll just leave this extra tequila for the host of the party.

6. I reassured her that small breasts and no ass were really attractive.

5. I'd like a veggie burger...soy milk...and carrot sticks...to go...

4. Just got off the phone with my father and...

3. I find Kubrick's violence towards women as distasteful as the graphic male-oriented lesbian pornography that undermines our Christian nation.

2. Once I get the doublewide set up in Marana, Grandma can just move in with me.

And the number one thing you will never hear Jason say...

1. My level headedness is only matched by my dedication to this job, sir.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/14/99)

DAD'S ON A RAVE AGAIN

Bryan over at Dad's on a Rant Again has kindly linked to my Top Ten Rejected Cars in the Star Wars Universe and Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women posts.

Thanks for the shout out, Bryan!

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN REJECTED CARS IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE

Top Ten Rejected Cars in the Star Wars Universe

10. Volkswagen Jedi

9. Ford Millennium Falcon

8. Buick Skywalker

7. Dodge Darth

6. Jar Jarmann Ghia

5. Jetta the Hutt

4. Plymouth Rebel Alliance K

3. Mazda Miara Jade

2. X-Wing Spyder

And the number one rejected car in the Star Wars Universe...

1. Isuzu Storm Trooper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/24/07)

And the alternates...

Mercury Coruscant
Boba Jetta
Darth Scion
Grand Caravan Tarkin
Toyota MR2-D2
Pontiac Amidala
Ford Galaxy Far, Far Away

THROUGH. THE. ROOF.

Huge thanks to Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women post! Spicy has, like, the the largest readership EVER. Her link has TRIPLED my all-time record for page loads in one day. Incredible.

Also have to send love to Yoshie who found me "über funny." And big ups to the fine ladies at the Lifetime Moments message board for linking to the gender-related hilarity.

Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions....

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES FOR WOMEN

Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women

10.


9.

I don't have to have a reason to bring you flowers.

8.

Is that the baby? I'll get her.

7.

Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I'll bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.

6.

I don't want anyone "falling in" in the middle of the night.

5.

I know. Let's take you shoe shopping!

4.

As long as I have legs to walk on, you'll never have to take out the garbage.

3.

I made some Niman Ranch lamb tenderloin with garlic, back pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds OK.

2.

I like to get these things before I have to be asked.

And the number one pornographic image for women...

1.

Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/21/07)

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT STAR TREK

Note: Large portions of this list were stolen wholesale from Happy Fun Pundit...

Top Ten Things I Hate about Star Trek

10. Noisy doors. You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors and they are dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.

9. The Federation. This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you are rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here is an important fact: Most people, you don not want to see them in spandex. You would pay good money to not have to see them. If money had not been abolished, that is. So you are screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity. For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity on everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they have gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom Three?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Giordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it is a wonder the Enterprise does not spontaneously combust whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seat belts. Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you would think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good eight feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that is locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses. Every time there is a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you are going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee. Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best Sci-Fi show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. Beaming people everywhere. So, you have the capability to beam men and matériel to any named coordinates? Okay, why are you outfitting whole Starships and sending them on five-year missions? Why are you not BEAMING whole Starships where they need to go and then BEAMING them home at night? Or just beaming people on specific missions sans ship? Why are you firing ranged weapons, like photon torpedoes, at moving targets? Why are you not just beaming your weapon onto the enemy ship and then remotely detonating it? While you're at it, why are you outfitting ships with kitchens and supplies? Can't you beam a Romulan ale and a sammich where you want it when you need it? I'm just saying.

3. Technobabble. The other night, I could not get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck. Speaking of the Spice Channel, we all know what the Holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegee the Holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive. How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going "WHEET!" all day. It would be hell. At least until the kaboom. The Earth-shattering kaboom.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/18/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM

Top Ten Signs You are Obsessed with Your Circulatory System

10. Dracula awkwardly stammers, "This just isn't working out."

9. Ever since college you've been tricuspid-curious

8. You name your twins Aortic P. Coarctation and Fossa Ovalis

7. Your fave movie of all time? Thoracic Park.

6. Your dream car is a Dodge Ventricle

5. Dr. Robert Jarvik makes you hot

4. You always enter a building through the right atrium

3. Your girlfriend has a vena cava fetish

2. Your fave actor? Bill Pullman-ary

And the number one sign you are obsessed with your circulatory system...

1. You are a hemosexual

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/15/07)

JASON IS TOP SITE OF THE DAY!

I submitted myself for a review over at Charles Young's Top Site of the Day and the critics have spoken. Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten is "really cool and funny" and "worth the stop by."

If this were a movie campaign, I could get away with quoting just one word like:

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

"...cool..."

"...funny..."

"...worth..."

Thanks for the awesome review, Charles! Check out Charles' site full o' blogs where you can even submit yourself for review.

"...Rohrblogger out..."

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument

10. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

9. You are so cute when you get pissed off

8. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread

7. I get it...you're on your period

6. You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?

5. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Did I say "you?" I meant your sister.

4. Easy there, Turbo. Football is on.

3. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning

2. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

And the number one thing you should never say to a woman during an argument...

1. We both know that thing ain't loaded

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/12/07)

CROCKETT ROCKS IT!

Bryan Crockett over at Dad's on a Rant Again featured my Ann Coulter list nicely in one of his posts. His profile also states he likes Eva Cassidy who is one of my all time fave singers of all time ever in the history of rhythmic sound. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

Thanks for the shout out Bryan!

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN ANN COULTER QUOTES

Top Ten Quotes from the Coultergeist

10. "Congress could pass a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries leave....We should require passports to fly domestically. Passports can be forged, but they can also be checked with the home country in case of any suspicious-looking swarthy males." -After the 9/11 attacks

9. "People are hysterical about speech right now. Everyone's comments are being taken out of context and wildly misinterpreted." -Washington Post

8. "[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks." -Rivera Live 8/2/99

7. "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" -Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01

6. The "backbone of the Democratic Party" is a "typical fat, implacable welfare recipient" -syndicated column 10/29/99

5. To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war." -MSNBC

4. "Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let's just call it for what it is. They're whores." -Salon.com 11/16/00

3. Juan Gonzales is "Cuba's answer to Joey Buttafuoco," a "miscreant," "sperm-donor," and a "poor man's Hugh Hefner." -Rivera Live 5/1/00

2. On Princess Diana's death: "Her children knew she's sleeping with all these men. That just seems to me, it's the definition of 'not a good mother.' ... Is everyone just saying here that it's okay to ostentatiously have premarital sex in front of your children?"..."[Diana is] an ordinary and pathetic and confessional - I've never had bulimia! I've never had an affair! I've never had a divorce! So I don't think she's better than I am." -MSNBC 9/12/97

And the number one Ann Coulter quote...

1. "I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote." -Hannity & Colmes, 8/17/99

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/09/07)

And the alternates...

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote." -Politically Incorrect, 2/26/01

"If you don't hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country." -George, 7/99

"We're now at the point that it's beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it's a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane." -Equal Time

"It's enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert." -The Case Against Bill Clinton, Coulter's 1998 book.

"Clinton is in love with the erect penis." -This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00

"I think we had enough laws about the turn-of-the-century. We don't need any more." Asked how far back would she go to repeal laws, she replied, "Well, before the New Deal...[The Emancipation Proclamation] would be a good start." -Politically Incorrect 5/7/97

"If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it." -MSNBC 7/27/97

"If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns." -Politically Incorrect, 12/18/97

"The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail." -Hannity & Colmes 8/24/01

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." -MSNBC 3/22/97

"Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair. Now, they all have long blonde hair." -CapitolHillBlue.com 6/6/00

"I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't." -TV Guide 8/97

"Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married." -Rivera Live 6/7/00

"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend." -Politically Incorrect 7/21/97

"I think [Whitewater]'s going to prevent the First Lady from running for Senate." -Rivera Live 3/12/99

"My track record is pretty good on predictions." -Rivera Live 12/8/98

"The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals." -Washington Post 8/1/00

On Rep. Christopher Shays (D-CT) in deciding whether to run against him as a Libertarian candidate: "I really want to hurt him. I want him to feel pain." -Hartford Courant 6/25/99

"The swing voters - I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don't have set philosophical principles. You're either a liberal or you're a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. " -Beyond the News, Fox News Channel, 6/4/00

"My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism." -MSNBC 2/8/97

"You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard." -Washington Post 10/16/98

TOP TEN CELEBRITY ANSWERS

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Top Ten Celebrity Answers

10. DR. PHIL - The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

9. GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

8. OPRAH - Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

7. COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

6. ANDERSON COOPER FROM CNN - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

5. HILLARY CLINTON - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

4. NANCY GRACE FROM COURT TV - That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

3. PAT BUCHANAN - To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

2. MARTHA STEWART - No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

And the number one celebrity answer...

1. COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/06/07)

And the alternates...

DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA SIMPSON - In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and browse the internet. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \. reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE - I invented the chicken.

I MUST BE CRAZY TO BE GIVING BLOGS AWAY AT THESE PRICES!

I'll admit it: I'm a sucker for any lame internet stunt or meme. This one comes from Yummy Sushi Pajamas. Check it out:

Over at Ashwin's blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!

-Rohrblogger out

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT DIGESTING YOUR FOOD

Top Ten Signs You Are Not Digesting Your Food

10. Your tape worm is longer than an Oliver Stone movie

9. Nicole Richie calls you Olive Oyl

8. You inject IV Pepto Bismol

7. You spend more time in the bathroom than Paris Hilton

6. Your boss is no longer the only sphincter causing you trouble

5. You MicroSize your meal at McDonald's

4. You name your spastic bowel Colon Feral

3. That's a pickle in his pocket but you're not glad to see him

2. You replace the fine nutrients normally absorbed with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices

And the number one sign you are not digesting your food...

1. After swallowing, you return your food to the store for a full refund

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/03/07)

And the alternate...

Your doctor sends you back to alimentary school to read "The Iliac and the Colonoscopy"

TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FAVES OF ALL TIME

Chuck Norris is BADASS!

Top Ten Chuck Norris Faves of All Time

10. Fave beef? Ground chuck

9. Fave post-drinking activity? Upchuck

8. Fave transport? Chuck wagon

7. Fave salsa? Chucky-style

6. Fave pizza? Chuck E. Cheese

5. Fave shoe? Chuck Taylor's All Stars

4. Fave snack? Potato chucks

3. Fave author? Chuck Palahniuk

2. Fave football pass? Chuck it

And the number one Chuck Norris fave of all time...

1. Fave music? Bowm chuck-a wow wow...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/31/07)

And the alternates...

Fave weapon? Nunchucks
Fave movie? I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Fave musician? Chuck Berry
Fave evil doll? Chucky
Fave drink/astronaut? Chuck Yeager-meister

RECYCLED INTERNET FUNNY

Recycled Internet Funny

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...


-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/27/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED BENEFITS

Top Ten Rejected Benefits

10. Formula 401(k)

9. Medical/Dental Dam

8. Long Term Invisibility

7. Rock Options

6. Flex Crime

5. Accidental Death and Dismembers Only

4. Heat, Vision, and Jack

3. Strife Insurance

2. Credit Onion

And the number on rejected benefit...

1. Paid Dick Leave

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/24/07)

And the alternates...

Expanse Account
Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator

TOP TEN PRECIOUS PET NAMES MY GIRLFRIEND CALLS ME WHEN I AM DRUNK

Top Ten Precious Pet Names My Girlfriend Calls Me when I am Drunk

10. Firecrotch

9. Crazy Legs

8. Hitachi Magic Hand

7. Binkymaster

6. Ahh, Barracuda!

5. Pukey the Wonder Spew

4. F**king A**hole!

3. Li'l Jasey Blunder

2. Generalissimo Banko

And the number one precious pet name my girlfriend calls me when I am drunk...

1. Sir Snores-a-lot

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/21/07)

And the alternates...

Tipsy Russell
Projectile Vomit Comet

TOP TEN SIGNS I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY AT WORK

Top Ten Signs I Am not Going to Make it through the Day at Work

10. It's only 8:30AM and my gallon of gin is bone dry

9. I referred to my boss as "Sugar Tits" ...as I introduced him at the annual shareholder's meeting

8. What happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas, along with my company car, company checkbook, clothes, and dignity

7. My January 1st, 2034 retirement party has been rescheduled for the break room at noon today

6. Managed to e-mail my "MILFhunter: Mature Accountants Gone Wild" home video to the entire corporate listserv

5. Assistant advised me that my building-access card has been canceled until I remove my "THUG 4 LYFE" forehead tattoo

4. I've been cited as the sole reason that stock in Pepsi has doubled. And I work for Coke. Well, I work for cocaine, anyway...

3. I blew chow for an hour in the bathroom at work

2. Chow is our new Sushi chef

And the number one sign I'm not going to make it through the day at work...

1. Wearing only a smile, I greeted my new intern with "Does my prostate feel swollen to you?"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/07)

And the alternates...

I demanded the new Safety Committee be staffed only by hairless Guatemalan boys

I've released Paris Hilton early, sprung Lindsey Lohan from rehab, pardoned Scooter Libby, and invaded Iraq

The FBI finally figured out my secret identity as Peligro! Masked Swordsman of the People!

TOP TEN LESSER KNOWN DIRTY WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE FOOD BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Lesser Known Dirty Words that Sound Like Food but Aren't

10. Chocolate Starfish

9. Hot Lunch

8. Packed Fudge

7. Chili Dog

6. Tea Bag

5. Alabama Hot Pocket

4. Blumpkin

3. Boston Pancake

2. Hot Apple Pie

And the number one lesser known dirty word that sounds like food but isn't...

1. Strawberry Shortcake

For definitions of the above terms please see Urban Dictionary.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/15/07)

TOP TEN FOODS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Foods that Sound Dirty but Aren't

10. Spotted Dick

9. Kumquat

8. Creme Filling

7. Sticky Buns

6. Blow Pops

5. All-Day Sucker

4. Tang

3. Casaba Melons

2. Weiner

And the number one food that sounds dirty but isn't...

1. Fluffer Nutter

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/11/07)

And the alternates...

Hot Pockets
Baked Clam
Nut Log
Pop Rocks
Taco

TOP TEN HARRY POTTER PORN MOVIE TITLES

Top Ten Harry Potter Porn Movie Titles

10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone

8. Hairy Pot, Her

7. Nearly Headless Dick

6. Muggles n' Snuggles

5. Harry Potter and the Lost Virginity

4. Hermione Does Des Moines

3. Cornelius Fudge Packer

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

And the number one Harry Potter porn movie title...

1. Harry Potter II: The Wrath of Cock

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/07)

And the alternates...

Professor McGonad-gall
Erectus Humungous

TOP TEN SIGNS JASON'S SUMMER VACATION ROCKED

Top Ten Signs Jason's Summer Vacation Rocked

10. Still emitting the subtle scent of tequila and NyQuil

9. Returned with a full-size Rottweiler back tattoo

8. Sacrificed my right flipflop to the Angry Boulder Daemon

7. Lost my virginity. In New Jersey.

6. Found God...in New Jersey

5. Somehow got banned from New Jersey

4. Became Paris Hilton's prison bitch

3. Still can't feel my legs

2. Now I look like Danny DeVito and smell like Matthew McConaughey

And the number one sign Jason's summer vacation rocked...

1. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/07)

And the alternates...

Last 50 pictures on my memory card depict the ground, the sky, my finger, or the inside of my lens cap
Finally convinced that the children are our future
National Lampoon bought the rights to my summer vacation

HIATUS

Hiatus

I'm off to finish my prison sentence for lying to the jury about drunk driving with Scooter Libby. Then to Switzerland for gender reassignment surgery (again!) as the first one "didn't take." Once I'm done with that, oh, and rehab, I should be back listing in no time. Enjoy my lovely archives, won't you?

Later,

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/21/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG ATTORNEY

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Attorney

10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena

9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes

8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart

7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex

6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price

5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch

4. Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."

3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted

2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's

And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...

1. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)

And the alternate...

Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan